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Divorce/Separation Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: Why do I cry still
strawblond30
♀ Member
Member # 6263
Default  Posted: 8:43 PM, June 4th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

As I probably mentioned before & like most here . I didn't Divorce my ex because I didn't love him . I just couldn't live that way anymore. Being married to a serial cheater is to much emotional work . It will be a year next week . Yes we still have contact ( we have kids) and we share text about nonsense . Yes I do ask questions I shouldn't . Yes his GF is skinny , pretty with a good job. But she don't have custody of her kids, all her pics on FB are selfies of her it's amazing a grown woman so into her self it's discusting. How he can't be turned off by it i dont know. He admitts she wears too much make up its thick. But yet I don't want him back cus I know the pain and feeling used by him. But I do miss some things . Is this normal


Me 39, EX H 40 married 17 years infidelity on both parts . He a serial cheater. I cheated for revenge and ran home to brag. Or make Him mad. He confessed to more affairs after that. We are now divorced living apart . 3 children

Posts: 937 | Registered: Jan 2005 | From: illinois
nekorb
♀ Member
Member # 40306
Default  Posted: 9:02 PM, June 4th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I sure hope so! My WH is behaving alike a complete fuckwit. Yet there are days I cry over the "old" him.

It really is like he has died. I think we are just mourning that person we used to know/thought we knew.

Plus it's also hard for me to accept that he is treating me this badly. Makes me wonder if I really did know him.


Me: BS 44
Him: WH 47 aka CAT- colossal asshat
Married 22 years
D-day: July 17, 2013, with TT to follow
Heading for Divorce
3 kids: 15,17,19

Psalms 27:14
Wait for The Lord; be strong and take heart, wait for The Lord.


Posts: 1688 | Registered: Aug 2013
Gemini71
♀ Member
Member # 40115
Default  Posted: 9:02 PM, June 4th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It's easier to say "disengage" than it is to actually do it. You need to go NC for YOU. NC unless it's about the kids. By sharing silly texts with your Ex, you're keeping him in your life. Hard to move on like that.

I'm still getting over my STBX too. But I have learned that it hurts more when I see him or have 'social' communication about him. So for my own good, it's business only, and as little face to face as possible.

Good luck.


Edited to correct stupid typos.

Two steps forward and one step backwards, is still progress.


Posts: 1538 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: Illinois, USA
SBB
♀ Member
Member # 35229
Default  Posted: 9:14 PM, June 4th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You can be in limbo all by yourself. I don't recommend it. It is he'll.

Maintaining contact will keep you stuck - you could potentially be stuck forever, wasting more years on this guy.

The only way to pull yourself out of limbo hell is to detach and the way you detach is by maintaining strict NC. You simply cannot detach whilst maintaining contact.

My girls are 6 and 3.5 and I have 50/50. NC is absolutely possible with kids.

There is an emotional bakery as well as a physical one. Time to close he bakery, friend. Nothing but pain for you while you leave it open.

[This message edited by SBB at 9:18 PM, June 4th (Wednesday)]


Buzz- The word you are searching for is 'Space-Ranger.'
Woody- The word I'm searching for, I can't say, because there are Pre-school toys here.

Posts: 5411 | Registered: Apr 2012 | From: Australia
ButterflyGirl
♀ Member
Member # 38377
Default  Posted: 9:34 PM, June 4th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I think it's normal. It certainly sucks getting rejected, right? I mean, even if you get fired from your job or something like that, it sucks and hurts, right? Rejection HURTS.

But you REALLY need to consider the source of the man who "rejected" you.

I would NEVER date a guy who didn't have any custody of his kids. How the hell would I trust him with my kids if he didn't step up to the plate enough for his own kids? I would SERIOUSLY question WHY he doesn't have custody of his kids.

But your ex? Well he seems to have VERY LOW standards. You are WAY too good for this douchenozzle. And I would seriously question WHY she doesn't have custody of her own kids to make sure she's safe to be around yours.

You wouldn't even date your ex knowing what you know about him now, right? So yes, mourn the man you thought you married, but remember that's not him anymore.

And a 2 x 4 as gently as I can, STOP comparing yourself to the OW. Skinny, pretty, and a good job DOES NOT mean she is a good person. She "won" a serial cheater, right? Do NOT feel jealous of this woman. And STOP looking at her FB. And STOP talking nonsense with your ex. This is all preventing you from healing, and you need to FORGET those fools and FOCUS ON YOU.

One thing I *really* miss is companionship. But my ex was one of the worst "companions" I could think of. So while I miss some of the things that go along with having a partner, like you, the emotional work of trying to turn an unremorseful cheater into a remorseful one was more than I could bear. I could not heal him and myself, so I saved myself.


xBW~ 35
Two of the most darling sons ~ 10 and 7

Posts: 2000 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: Florida, USA
strawblond30
♀ Member
Member # 6263
Default  Posted: 9:42 PM, June 4th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank you I needed to hear it , yes over & over least for awhile till it sticks in my head.


Me 39, EX H 40 married 17 years infidelity on both parts . He a serial cheater. I cheated for revenge and ran home to brag. Or make Him mad. He confessed to more affairs after that. We are now divorced living apart . 3 children

Posts: 937 | Registered: Jan 2005 | From: illinois
nowiknow23
♀ Guide
Member # 33226
Default  Posted: 10:14 PM, June 4th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

((((strawblond))))


You can call me NIK

Wise men talk because they have something to say; fools, because they have to say something.
- Plato


Posts: 24434 | Registered: Aug 2011
LearningToRun
♀ Member
Member # 31353
Default  Posted: 10:23 PM, June 4th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Maintaining daily contact with my ex was my own personal crack. Every hit ( contact) would give me a high. I thought I could handle it, that I was special, that we could be friends.....

Then he pulled the rug out from under me that he was in a sexual relationship. Ouch, news to me. Turned out the contact with me was nothing but ego strokes to him.that he still "had it",when to me it had been shreds of hope. I hit some serious rock bottom and nc finally began for me. After that, my healing rate was remarkable.

Contact kept me stuck. Hope kept me stuck. Letting go is a billion, trillion times better. Let go.

[This message edited by LearningToRun at 10:24 PM, June 4th (Wednesday)]


Posts: 234 | Registered: Feb 2011
BrokenHeartAZ
♂ New Member
Member # 43635
Default  Posted: 9:45 AM, June 5th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

"" I sure hope so! My WH is behaving alike a complete fuckwit. Yet there are days I cry over the "old" him.

It really is like he has died. I think we are just mourning that person we used to know/thought we knew.

Plus it's also hard for me to accept that he is treating me this badly. Makes me wonder if I really did know him.""

OMG Thats how I look at my WS. It was hard for me at first to accept the reality that my WS could cheat on me and treat me so horrible and act like we never knew each other. I was not able to move on knowing that my WS was only a mile away from me. Also my WS has a Order of Protection against me cause she didnt want me to text her with questions about the affair and stuff. Its been 7 months since i seen or spoke to her and she has the kids (5 and 8 yrs old) which are kept from me with only 2hrs a week i get to spend with them. We are still legally married. So its been killing me not to be able to see her or talk to her. I finally realized that if I tell myself that the WS who used to love me died and that a evil version of my WS lives in the body now who hates me, I could live with it. There is one problem that i have been wrestling with, I want to say good bye to the WS that loved me in person, i want to look her in the eyes and tell her how much she meant to me and that i will always cherish the memories we shared. I will always carry a special place in my heart for her. When i told WS that I would like to have a moment with her and that she didnt have to say anything that i wanted to pay my last respects to my wife that did love me at one time. But WS said no that she didnt want to see me and said that i was crazy and should get some help. I know that if i could tell my WS Goodbye and everything, I would be able to truly move on and put it behind me. I need the closure and I have to say those things to her personally so I know for sure that the wife who loved me knows.. But the mean WS version of my wife wont allow me to move on and keeps me suffering by not allowing me to speak or see her. She never felt any pain from the brake up of our marriage because she has a boyfriend who basically has taken my place in every aspect.
I thought I knew my wife but now its as if she was a strnger the whole time. Anyways i just was shocked to hear that someone else also felt like there WS had died.


Posts: 3 | Registered: Jun 2014 | From: mesa, az
Acer0112
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Member # 43241
Default  Posted: 11:06 AM, June 5th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I am right there with you - I need to get better at NC - but with the kids schedules, getting the house cleaned and fixed for selling, working through mediation and assets, we seem to be communicating a lot lately. Oh - and DD had emergency surgery last week - I admit it was nice to go through that with him there.

I'm just a mess lately. I was really emotionally attached to him - he has been my best friend, go to person, my rock and comfort for 22 years...that is hard to turn off in just a few months - I was trying R until April when he reconnected with OP again - He just gave up - can't look in the mirror - couldn't face the guilt - who knows.

Plus it's also hard for me to accept that he is treating me this badly. Makes me wonder if I really did know him.

I think of this every time we part ways. I can't wait until the house is sold, I am in a new space, and I can start to live my life my way. Knowing there will always be hurt - I just want to heal the right way. I'm super lonely, but don't want to rush into anything to feel better. That is what he is doing and it makes me sick.

[This message edited by Acer0112 at 11:08 AM, June 5th (Thursday)]


D-Day 1/24/14
D-Day2 04/08/14, false R
16yrs married, 22 yrs together
Separated, divorcing

Posts: 177 | Registered: Apr 2014
strawblond30
♀ Member
Member # 6263
Default  Posted: 11:54 AM, June 5th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hard to wonder how they can't hurt as much after 20 years. I just can't believe it.


Me 39, EX H 40 married 17 years infidelity on both parts . He a serial cheater. I cheated for revenge and ran home to brag. Or make Him mad. He confessed to more affairs after that. We are now divorced living apart . 3 children

Posts: 937 | Registered: Jan 2005 | From: illinois
sadcountryboy
♂ Member
Member # 43058
Default  Posted: 12:23 PM, June 5th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My WW already has 3 online dating profiles. It's only been 2 and half months. WTF!! How can they just throw us away and move on so quick? I'm still broken and hurting and she's out and about. I have been in no contact but I screw up about once a week. She texts to say how lonely and in pain she is. And stupid me consoles her. I ain't doing it anymore. I know it's just ego stroking. It's been 4 days since I talked to her. I'm hoping I don't break down when she tries again in a day or two. It's like clockwork with her. Every 5 days or so.


Me: BH 34
Her: WW 30
Lived together 5-1/2 years
Married almost 2 years
D-Day 3/17/14
Affair for 8 months with a married man at her job
I don't even know who she is. Maybe never did.
Separated 3/21/14
headed to D

Posts: 67 | Registered: Apr 2014
Faithful w/Love
♀ Member
Member # 33128
Default  Posted: 1:00 PM, June 5th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I feel they detach waaaayyyy before we do. They have to in order to have an A. They have already been living a single life even while married. All the cards laid in their hands when we wanted to R and they were not wanting to be committed.
It is VERY hard to detach when you were rejected. We didn't get a choice in the matter.

We put all our eggs in one basket and that basket broke all our eggs because they are spoiled self centered CHICKENS!


BS(ME)40 WH(HIM)37
DD 19 and DS 15
Separated Aug 2012
Moved back home Oct 31 2013
False R. Still Lying.
Will be divorcing soon!
"You never know how strong you are until being strong is the only choice you have"!

Posts: 2652 | Registered: Aug 2011
TrustedHer
♂ Member
Member # 23328
Default  Posted: 4:26 PM, June 5th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You're pain shopping.

Why do you want to hurt yourself?

He's your X, and he's in another relationship.

You're acting like an OW.

1. Texts about nonsense
2. Questions that aren't child or finance related.
3. Discussing his current partner.
4. Stalking her on FB
5. Criticizing her.
6. Listening to him inappropriately criticize her.

If we heard some BW talking about her WH doing this with his XW, what would we tell her? What would we call the XW?

You need to figure out how to be independent. That relationship is over.

IC could be a start.


Take care of yourself. There's a great future out there. It won't come to you; you have to go to it.

Posts: 5115 | Registered: Mar 2009 | From: DeepInTheHeartOf, TX
justinpaintoday
♂ Member
Member # 42858
Default  Posted: 4:56 PM, June 5th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I think u heard it multiple times. U must disengage to finally heal. By keeping a coupe threads of attachment u can keep that false sense of security from long ago.

Please stop painshopping. It is time to let go. Value YOU more. You deserve peace.


I never realized you could be in this much pain and not be dying.

Posts: 700 | Registered: Mar 2014
BrokenHeartAZ
♂ New Member
Member # 43635
Default  Posted: 12:59 AM, June 6th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

WoW I thought I was the only one who felt this way;
Acer0112:
""I was really emotionally attached to him - he has been my best friend, go to person, my rock and comfort for 22 years...that is hard to turn off in just a few months -""

I was so used to having the support of my wife during life events and I never contemplated life without her. For me it was getting past denial, I just couldnt believe it, even though it was right in front of me.
The stages of emotions one experiences when someone dies,can be the same for a spouse as when thier marriage dies or should i say end

strawblond30;

Hard to wonder how they can't hurt as much after 20 years. I just can't believe it.

I am still wondering how it is that they dont care! I think thats where they start to think negatively about us in thier minds to slowly justify the behavior.

sadcountryboy

WTF!! How can they just throw us away and move on so quick? I'm still broken and hurting and she's out and about.

My WW had been taking their new partner to my children's school functions and holiday celebrations. So disrespectful.
Now i am not pain shopping, but i want to point out that these individuals had a choice on how they wanted to get out or end the marriage. The ones that choose to hide thier feelings and started another relationship without ending the one that they currently are in, created unnecessary pain. How reckless and selfish they are. And when it is pointed out that

He's your X, and he's in another relationship.
I dont care if thats true! Thier new relationship does not deserve my respect. And they should be made to answer questions regarding thier behavior instead of being protected from having to explain.
But i learned through the NC that the Order of protection caused me to have probably helped me to get to a level of contentment in dealing with these emotions. The order of protection is still in place and we are still legally married.. I decided to tell myself that the wife that loved me was killed in some kind of accident and that something else now inhabits the body of my wife and they hate me. They only want to cause pain. I actually feel that my wife is dead. So much so that I cried for almost 2 days. I now have a need to actually say GOODBYE to my wife. I want to be face to face with her and she not say a word but let me look into her eyes and tell her goodbye and say how much she meant to me and that i will always cherish the memories we shared. I will always carry a special place in my heart for her. And that I will always love her.. Then i will just walk away knowing that my 14yrs of marraige was special and cant be taken away from me by the WW. ** But to this date she refuses to let me talk or see her at all. She refuses to give me the closure and move on. Its the same as thing that is done during a funeral open casket. You say your goodbyes acknowledging that it is over. But not being allowed to say goodbye to the person is preventing me from moving on.
Anyways if maybe some of you out there look at it this way, maybe it will make it easier for you to find closure.

Posts: 3 | Registered: Jun 2014 | From: mesa, az
BrokenHeartAZ
♂ New Member
Member # 43635
Default  Posted: 1:27 AM, June 6th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

justinpaintoday
I never realized you could be in this much pain and not be dying.

That is so true!!!!! It has torn my soul in half and the pain hurts more than any physical pain i have ever felt. If it wasnt for my kids i wouldnt be here today.. I was on the edge of breaking so many times. I never ever want to feel that pain again. And what is so sad is that "if i had the chance to inflict the same pain on my WW, I COULD'NT DO IT!! I hate myself for that.. My heart forgives her even when she has shown no remorse or mercy on my soul. The only thing that brought sanity and peace of mind to me was this thought; ** She will NEVER love someone like I love her. In the way i loved her i never experienced such pleasure nor have i ever felt such pain. ** unconditional love , the old saying goes" its better to have loved and lost, than to never have loved at all !!!! thats the truth


Posts: 3 | Registered: Jun 2014 | From: mesa, az
strawblond30
♀ Member
Member # 6263
Default  Posted: 6:47 AM, June 6th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I will try harder , I've asked many times for NC or not to see his face but something always happens and it falls apart. I must get stronger to make this summer for me and no one else.


Me 39, EX H 40 married 17 years infidelity on both parts . He a serial cheater. I cheated for revenge and ran home to brag. Or make Him mad. He confessed to more affairs after that. We are now divorced living apart . 3 children

Posts: 937 | Registered: Jan 2005 | From: illinois
LearningToRun
♀ Member
Member # 31353
Default  Posted: 12:47 PM, June 6th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I dont think NC is something you ask for, its something you do.

When you want to email him, email someone else. Or post it somewhere else, just not him. If you usually call about the kids ( we had daily drop off calls) text instead.

detach detach detach. Its a choice. It's an active choice. Its for your own metal health. Even though its the last thing you want.

But keep it up, and you are going to get hurt when he gets engaged.

I didn't want to detach. I fought it hard. So, its normal. But once i let go, life got so much better.


Posts: 234 | Registered: Feb 2011
Topic Posts: 19

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