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Divorce/Separation Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: Bad Boys
libertyrocks
♀ Member
Member # 38924
Default  Posted: 3:50 PM, June 4th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My first boyfriend, my first husband, and my first rebound were all players.

I got a new therapist, who's great btw, and we're trying to discover why I settle for below par treatment. I know I'm a shiny diamond star, but when it comes down to it, I never think I'm good enough for the ones I'm really interested in...I tend to settle for a bad boy with poor treatment.

Sucks to be me. But, I have to figure this out!

Just venting,

(Pouty face, bottom lip jutting out)


Me-BW 36. STBXH-35,alcoholic, suspected NPD SA. 2 boys. M 6yrs T13.
DDay #1 Nov, 2012. 1 1/2 year false R & TT. 10 OW PA's 1LTA (all W lied to) 3 years.
S Nov, 2013 again Jan, 2014
Filed for D Feb, 2014.He will cheat again. But, It wont be on me.

Posts: 911 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: So Cal, baby. :)
lieshurt
♀ Member
Member # 14003
Default  Posted: 3:55 PM, June 4th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You aren't alone in that respect. I don't necessarily go for bad boys, but I do tend to drift towards the emotionally unavailable. Oy.


I'm sorry if you don't like my Honesty, but to be fair I don't like your lies.

Sometimes it's better to push someone away...not because you stopped loving them but because you can't take the pain anymore.


Posts: 13647 | Registered: Mar 2007 | From: Houston
tushnurse
♀ Member
Member # 21101
Default  Posted: 7:33 PM, June 4th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

LIBERTY!!!! HEY Honey how are you? ??? I was thinking about you the other day.

I personally think you are awesome. You I St haven't had a chance to realize it and accept it.

You need to focus on you. No mens for a while. Learn how to be happy just being Liberty. When you do that and are comfortable being you, then you will be much more prepared to NOT tolerate less than you deserve.

You are smart, strong, funny, and more than any man deserves. Be happy being you. The rest will fall into place after.


Me: FBS
Him: FWS
Kids: 15 & 17
Married for 22 years now, was 16 at the time. .
D-Day Sept 26 2008
Fully R'd, and Happy Happy Happy

Posts: 7799 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: St. Louis
justinpaintoday
♂ Member
Member # 42858
Default  Posted: 7:36 PM, June 4th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My WW cheated with bad boys and now wants to date them I was never that. I hear this alot though and see it alot. It is frustrating that kindness, emotional availability and loyalty are not more appealing. Interesting post though...got me thinking


I never realized you could be in this much pain and not be dying.

Posts: 700 | Registered: Mar 2014
ButterflyGirl
♀ Member
Member # 38377
Default  Posted: 7:50 PM, June 4th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Yeah, I think it's a self-esteem issue when we settle for less than we deserve. Why the F do we do that?

I mean, you're Liberty! And you Rocks!

Whatever it is that makes you think you are less than worthy, work on it. Hard to have a healthy relationship with a healthy guy unless YOU are feeling healthy.

Start with who you want to be. THEN worry about who makes a good partner for you..


xBW~ 35
Two of the most darling sons ~ 10 and 7

Posts: 2002 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: Florida, USA
Sadmumma
♀ Member
Member # 42192
Default  Posted: 7:54 PM, June 4th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Liberty, I was talking about this with a friend just recently. While I can't speak for 'bad boy attraction' I can on poor treatment.

For me, I think it comes back to low self esteem. If I believe on some level that I don't deserve to be treated like a 'princess' then I will push it away. The flip side to that is allowing poor treatment because, on some level maybe I believe I deserve it.

Sucks, but true.


On any given day you have the power to say "my story is not going to end like this"
Me 41 BS
Him 41 WH
6 kids...7 weeks, 5,7,9,11&13
D day jan 29th 2014

Posts: 533 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: Land down under
ButterflyGirl
♀ Member
Member # 38377
Default  Posted: 7:56 PM, June 4th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I think sometimes we pick "bad boys" because we think we are something real special that can turn a toad into a prince. And maybe we want to feel like we are "better" than they are, so we can have issues, because our guy *definitely* has more issues than we do..

It's a pretty immature way to go about things. I'd rather date a guy who lifts me up rather than drags me down..

I think we "try" to lift the bad boys up, but they always hurt us in the end, and we didn't even realize we weren't succeeding and it was them dragging us down the whole time, even when we thought we were "helping" them be better people. Sucks to realize you got played, and manipulated, and taken advantage of..

Just got to get out of the cycle of abuse and stop allowing people to continue treating you like crap. I'm so happy you've come so far Liberty


xBW~ 35
Two of the most darling sons ~ 10 and 7

Posts: 2002 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: Florida, USA
Gemini71
♀ Member
Member # 40115
Default  Posted: 8:59 PM, June 4th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Fairy tales, Romance Novels and Hollywood always show how the "love of a good woman" can change a bad boy.

People don't change. They only get more so.


Edited to correct stupid typos.

Two steps forward and one step backwards, is still progress.


Posts: 1540 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: Illinois, USA
justinpaintoday
♂ Member
Member # 42858
Default  Posted: 9:01 PM, June 4th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I do believe the saying that behind evey good man is a good woman. I think that can be flipped. A healthy relationship compliments.


I never realized you could be in this much pain and not be dying.

Posts: 700 | Registered: Mar 2014
EvenKeel
♀ Member
Member # 24210
Default  Posted: 11:11 AM, June 5th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Am I the only one that hears the "Cops" theme song as I read this thread?

I read on SI long ago that if you meet someone and it feels like you already know them (even though you dont)...you should run because you are gravitating towards a person like an ex.

Maybe this would work for you?

[This message edited by EvenKeel at 11:13 AM, June 5th (Thursday)]


Eyes are useless if the mind is blind.


Posts: 2004 | Registered: May 2009 | From: Pa
No12turn2
♂ Member
Member # 40996
Default  Posted: 11:55 AM, June 5th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I know how this goes. I tend to like bad girls or girls with a little flare (attitude). Somehow I seem to attract the girls with issues that need/want to be saved. Daddy issues, past abuse, possessive ex, etc.


Me/BS 35
WW 32
M 12 yrs 2 Girls 10 & 7
Phone/Cyber Affairs (3 D-Days)
Status: DIVORCED 4/24/2014

No one can make you feel inferior without your consent.


Posts: 499 | Registered: Oct 2013 | From: United Staes
libertyrocks
♀ Member
Member # 38924
Default  Posted: 1:01 PM, June 5th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank you tushnurse!!! Yes, I'm doing well. Strong, happy, but sort of lonely, y'know...Hope you are doing well, hun. :)

Thank everyone for posts. I was so happy to see so many responses! And good ones, too. EvenKeel, too funny with bad boys song! hahaha

Butterfly girl,

because we think we are something real special that can turn a toad into a prince
Yup, hit the nail on the head. I am special, damn it. lol.

I like the advice of "run", which I already have. And, "complimenting" another...good stuff here.


Me-BW 36. STBXH-35,alcoholic, suspected NPD SA. 2 boys. M 6yrs T13.
DDay #1 Nov, 2012. 1 1/2 year false R & TT. 10 OW PA's 1LTA (all W lied to) 3 years.
S Nov, 2013 again Jan, 2014
Filed for D Feb, 2014.He will cheat again. But, It wont be on me.

Posts: 911 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: So Cal, baby. :)
Pass
♂ Member
Member # 38122
Default  Posted: 1:11 PM, June 5th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

To all women who like the bad boys: STOP IT!

Mind you, I've never picked a woman who was good for me. I've finally gotten to the point where I'm turning away from those women. Now I just have to figure out how to find the nice ones.

There must be at least one in this city!


Loyal spouse: Me; Disloyal spouse: The Princess
Two sons: Now 11 and 14
DDay: Nov 15, 2012
Separated: Mar 2, 2013 after married 17 years, now divorcing!

The best thing about hitting rock bottom is that everything after that looks fucking fabulous


Posts: 1684 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: Ottawa, Ontario, Canada
cvs2kkids
♂ Member
Member # 41298
Default  Posted: 2:25 PM, June 5th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

To all women who like the bad boys: STOP IT!

^^^^^ This x 100.

WW had an affair with a guy who is late 40's, makes the guys from Duck Dynasty look sophisticated, lived with his brother in a basement room and has 2-3 children who he lives away from.

A lot of women are attracted to bad boys first. WTF?!

Our kids have lost respect for her, her family has lost respect for her. She is now depressedToo freakin' bad!


Me: BH (43) Her WW 41

R'ing going,going..gone!!
Divorcing!

She no more will have that power over me. I can make, and will make, my own happiness. We we're a good team at one point, but I am great as an individual!!


Posts: 185 | Registered: Nov 2013 | From: NB Canada
suckstobeme
♀ Member
Member # 30853
Default  Posted: 2:37 PM, June 5th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Raising hand as a member of the "bad boy" club. Remember that bad boys come in all shapes and sizes. As a kid, I went for the obvious ones who had tattoos and drank too much and got into fights.

When I got a little older, I thought I had matured and I didn't go for those kinds of guys anymore. I met my exwh in grad school and the first thing that attracted me to him was mwhat I believed was his kindness. At the same time, he was still a bit of a rebel. He had a little bit of an edge to where he didn't entirely like to stick to the rules. He drank too much sometimes, but who didn't back then? He very much thought he wanted to live a lifestyle of not "conforming to the man". He wasn't super materialistic even though we made good livings and he seemed very down to earth. I fell in love with him and, even though he was never my type physically, I married him because I always believed that a nice person lasts.

I've explored this ALOT with my IC. We've come to the conclusion that my father and my brother were more overt bad boys, so that was what I was used to. I was attracted to people like that because my father and my brother always cherished me. I was the darling, the baby girl in an Italian family. So, it seemed like I had, in a sense, tamed the bad boys.

When I met my exwh, I had grown out of my attraction to the overt bad boys, but I still liked the subtle bad boy characteristics that he had.

The problem is that I missed all the signs that pointed to his true self. I missed the fact that he was an extremely conflict avoidant, narcissist with zero ability to empathize. On the rare occasions that we fought, I would tell him how I would feel and he would say, "well, I don't agree with that." How do you DISAGREE with someone's feelings? At the time, I didn't know it was a sign of things to come. I missed the fact that he had a real easy time not talking to his parents for a while or not visiting his mother when she was sick. I missed that Christmas and birthdays and holidays were not super important to him. This was all probably because I was too busy making all of that important for "us". It sounds sort of ridiculous now, but I honestly didn't know a whole lot about his childhood.

This bad boy that I married just sort of floated under the radar for years until his true personality had to come out. He got to a point where he had to drop the mask. When that personality came out, it came out with a vengeance. His subtle dislike for authority and rules went haywire - he started gambling, drinking to excess even on work nights, opening up secret credit cards, and, the topper was that he started screwing his own secretary for the entire firm to see. He turned out to be the ultimate bad boy and I never even knew it.

The next time I even think about dating someone, I am going to have to be hyper-viligant about what may seem subtle, but what could turn real dangerous at the drop of a dime. It's real easy to avoid the obvious bad boys. It's the ones that go into hiding to hook you that cause the big problems.


BW - me
ExWH - "that one"
D - 2011
You get what you put in, and people get what they deserve.
Hard as it may be, try to never give the OP any of your power or head space.

Posts: 2704 | Registered: Jan 2011
Schadenfreude
♂ Member
Member # 43075
Default  Posted: 2:49 PM, June 5th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

That' s when I fell for the leader of the pack.......

None of you were the first, and sadly you won't be the last.

You have opened up a subject that would take several psychology classes to cover. I've had 3 gfs who confessed to having previous bfs like this, and not one of them could ever explain the attraction in any way that made sense. But each learned her lesson and made sure hat I treated them like ladies. The only explanation I ever got was,that he was attractive by being a bad boy, that he was sexy because he was a bad boy, and made her feel,sexy, too. Each regretted the involvement, at least said she did. But I always wondered how much was regret for the loss of the exciting relationship contrasted to boring old me.


Posts: 743 | Registered: Apr 2014 | From: Midwest
libertyrocks
♀ Member
Member # 38924
Default  Posted: 5:46 PM, June 5th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

suckstobeme,
It's the ones that go into hiding to hook you that cause the big problems

Yup, just this afternoon, STBXH confessed he gave me major head trips, with the help of discovering this with his IC. He's literally begging and crying, says he's sorry now, wants me back, trying to guilt trip me into being with him for the "boys" (F*CK NO, in my head), says he doesn't want other bad guys to get a hold of me. He's devestated because I went on a few dates. EVERYONE comments how nice he was and how they would NEVER expect that from him. Boy, did I pick a winner. :(

[This message edited by libertyrocks at 5:47 PM, June 5th (Thursday)]


Me-BW 36. STBXH-35,alcoholic, suspected NPD SA. 2 boys. M 6yrs T13.
DDay #1 Nov, 2012. 1 1/2 year false R & TT. 10 OW PA's 1LTA (all W lied to) 3 years.
S Nov, 2013 again Jan, 2014
Filed for D Feb, 2014.He will cheat again. But, It wont be on me.

Posts: 911 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: So Cal, baby. :)
Topic Posts: 17

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