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Divorce/Separation Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: Can't stop the train wreck about to happen
PurpleRose
♀ Member
Member # 33129
Default  Posted: 11:29 PM, June 3rd (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I took a Divorce Care class this year. A small group of us became close and get together often. Some already D, others still in process.

Tonight one of the others who is not yet finalized with his D, and is also a BS called me to say he was considering reconciling with his WW. She is a hot mess, very NPD and actually left him to move in with the OM. Now she has her own place, and has been trying to get my friend to take her back. She says she and the OM broke up months ago. Typical.

It's like watching an accident that you cannot stop-- he even said that he feels like it won't work out. He knows the trust will never return and he knows a happier life is out there waiting for him. All of his friends are saying that to him, too, and he is just so confused. I didn't know what to tell him other than my experience with R (obviously unsuccessful).

I feel bad for him. I told him humans are strange because we rarely ever learn by example- we all like to think we are different and it won't be the same for us! He laughed and agreed. I wish I could help him, so I told him I would be here if he needed to chat. Other than that, he's going to have to let it run it's course, right?

I hate seeing him in pain, with no way to stop the inevitable pain coming down the tracks. :(


divorced the Dooosh
*****************************
even if you find your voice,
sometimes it does not matter anymore,
when you speak to a man who is deaf by choice.
~dodinsky

Posts: 3631 | Registered: Aug 2011 | From: Happyville
nowiknow23
♀ Guide
Member # 33226
Default  Posted: 9:47 AM, June 4th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You did help him, hon. You gave him your perspective and advice from a place of caring, and you let him know you are there for him. What he chooses to do with that is up to him. It is very hard to watch someone make choices that we believe will end in pain. But you're right, he's gotta do things his way.


You can call me NIK

"Keep your face always toward the sunshine - and shadows will fall behind you."
-Walt Whitman


Posts: 26218 | Registered: Aug 2011
one2ndchance
♀ Member
Member # 14759
Default  Posted: 11:14 AM, June 4th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It seems like this train wreck plays out every day in the Reconciliation forum. I had to stop visiting it. So many BS with multiple d-days and non-remorseful WS still trying to make it work.


Me: BW 60
Him: STBXWH 62
Married: 25 years
DDay1: 2/2002; DDay2: 6/2012
Gave him his second chance and he blew it.
Divorce final: 9/2014

Posts: 486 | Registered: May 2007 | From: California
BAMAC
♂ Member
Member # 39334
Default  Posted: 11:52 AM, June 4th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I told him humans are strange because we rarely ever learn by example- we all like to think we are different and it won't be the same for us!

This is so unfortunately true.


DDays - 1/26/2013 | 3/23/14
Divorced 7/10/2014

Posts: 84 | Registered: May 2013 | From: TX
debbysbaby
♀ Member
Member # 32962
Default  Posted: 9:41 PM, June 4th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You've done all you can. I also cannot visit the reconciliation forum. I just want to scream at all of them to run. My own 15 year marriage and multiple attempts at R taught things I wish I had not had to learn. So many of these waywards seem like the very same person and I see things that just scream out at me from my own past.


-betrayed almost my whole almost 15 yr marriage
-divorced since 2004

Posts: 883 | Registered: Aug 2011
PurpleRose
♀ Member
Member # 33129
Default  Posted: 11:52 PM, June 4th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I also try to keep out of the R forum. It is really hard to see the writing on the wall and stay positive for those poor BSs. Especially when I can see my very own story in some other betrayed's post!

Thanks nik... I know it is helpful for him to have someone to talk to. It's just so hard because I want to tell him to run like the wind, but it know that is such a hard message to hear. He clearly is not ready for that... Even though his own gut is practically screaming it to him.


divorced the Dooosh
*****************************
even if you find your voice,
sometimes it does not matter anymore,
when you speak to a man who is deaf by choice.
~dodinsky

Posts: 3631 | Registered: Aug 2011 | From: Happyville
sparkysable
♀ Member
Member # 3703
Default  Posted: 8:42 AM, June 5th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I attended a divorce support group at my church. It wasn't DivorceCare, but just something my church did on their own.

These women were there and their stories went just like this:

My ex had an affair and left and moved in with the OW. They broke up, and he came back home. I took him back. A few years later, he met another OW and moved in with her. They broke up, and I let him come back home because I took my marriage and my vows before God seriously.

My ex used to get drunk and beat me. He didn't work and I supported us. He used to take my money and blow it on beer and cigarettes. I put up with it for years because I took my marriage and my vows before God seriously. He finally left to go be with the OW that he met at the bar. We are still legally married even though he lives with her. I don't want to divorce him because I take my marriage and my vows before God seriously.

My ex left me while I was pregnant to go live with the OW. We got divorced and my parents paid to have the marriage annulled. He broke up with the OW and came back to me. We got remarried because I didn't want my daughter to not have a father. He used to beat both me and my daughter. I didn't want to leave because I took my marriage and my vows before God seriously.

Finally, I couldn't take it anymore. I screamed LADIES! FOR CRYING OUT LOUD! GOD DOES NOT WANT YOU TO LIVE LIKE THIS!


D-day OW#1 2/2004; R for 6 years; D-day OW#2 5/2010

Marriages that start this way, stepping over the bodies of loved ones as the giddy couple walks down the aisle, are not likely to last.


Posts: 3496 | Registered: Mar 2004 | From: NY
iwantamiracle
♀ Member
Member # 22812
Default  Posted: 8:56 AM, June 5th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

just be there when it the crash happens...there are some people who just can't bring themselves to completely let go of the "dream".....and in a way giving it another chance will eliminate the need in the future....it will hopefully prevent him from having the what ifs.....because i am sure in his head...its what if this time we really could make it....what if she really does "see" me and all we could have and be to one another....

there are some people, including some of my friends who just cannot move on and accept what they have already seen...and want to believe....and therein is the crux of the matter....

most humans want to believe.....whether its in Santa Claus (lol) or in their wayward spouses

the cynical humans are the one who never believe...

i would like to think i am somewhere in between....close to 15 years ago, i was going thru a hard time in my marriage (didnt learn the real why til 5years ago) and so was my friend...the 2 of us with small tots in tow went to costco....and the next think you know she points to a gentleman..and says "miracle, do you see what i see"....i turn around and there is this gentleman, wearing jean overalls that were a bit short, a veteran cap, his hair was white (as snow) and a lot of it...and he had a full beard that matched...and the kicker...in his cart was nothing but oreo cookies and milk....

i swear we both thought we were crazy....ran into him again in another part of the store....and took a pic with him....i cannot remember what he said upon talking to him....but i do remember that whatever it was it had my friend and i scratchin our heads...and btw she is a cynic....

humans want to believe....it represents everything we really want...even some cynics want to believe if they are honest!!!


i am taking my life back, one step at a time!!!!!

and i keep on steppin!!!


Posts: 6053 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: looking for my rainbow
PurpleRose
♀ Member
Member # 33129
Default  Posted: 9:53 PM, June 5th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Have not heard from him since Monday. I don't know if I should let him be, or reach out. :(

I remember not having the strength to talk about anything with my friends. However, if he is trying to R with his wife, a friendship with a woman she doesn't know will hardly help that situation. I certainly don't want to make things more difficult for him!


divorced the Dooosh
*****************************
even if you find your voice,
sometimes it does not matter anymore,
when you speak to a man who is deaf by choice.
~dodinsky

Posts: 3631 | Registered: Aug 2011 | From: Happyville
stronger08
♂ Member
Member # 16953
Default  Posted: 4:49 AM, June 6th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Sometimes you just have to say your peace and let them do what they are gonna do. More often then not it results in utter disaster, but its the experience they need to wake up and take off the rose colored glasses. I see it here at SI very often, a newbie comes in looking for support and advice. They naturally get a shit load of both, but because they think their situation is unique they allow their WS to manipulate them some more. A few come back, but most you never hear from again. That's what hurts me, all those lost souls out there who had to find out the hard way and are too ashamed to come back for the help they so need. Shit, I'm guilty of it myself. I got some really good advice and I ignored at first. I had to learn and my only saving grace was the fact my XWW was such a foggy bitch she never tried to play the R game with me. All you can do is wait for the smoke to clear and offer your support.


You cant eat soup with chopsticks.

Posts: 5832 | Registered: Nov 2007
PurpleRose
♀ Member
Member # 33129
Sad  Posted: 6:15 AM, June 6th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

That is good advice stronger... And I think you are spot on. It is sad to watch (hence my thread title) because I do know for this friend it won't work. He is a 2 time BS... First wife also cheated. It's not his first infidelity rodeo, making this that much more frustrating.

He has kids with this WW, and I think that is creating the fog he is currently living in. Down in D/S we all know you can't make it work "for the kids" - but again, it's a ride each one of us has had to take, a journey we all think just might be different for us, and it's only when we step off the crazy train at the end of our ride that we can look back and say, "Well shit, they were right."


divorced the Dooosh
*****************************
even if you find your voice,
sometimes it does not matter anymore,
when you speak to a man who is deaf by choice.
~dodinsky

Posts: 3631 | Registered: Aug 2011 | From: Happyville
Topic Posts: 11

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