-D in process
-still both live in same house (I am trying desp. to get out)
-stbxwh npd, pass/agg, scary, lately pulling disappearing acts with "none of your business" when I get upset he took the car (I'm 40 weeks pregnant and its MY car and the ONLY car and my only trans to hospital and stbx does not have a cell).
-have 11 yo son, school is out 6/6
-stbx FINALLY got a job (as he expected me to know even though he never told me and just called me up today asking about son's baseball schedule conflicting with his work schedule - baseball sched which I put in a shared calendar he won't use UGGGH)
If I try to have a conversation regarding finances or child care issues there are big problems. I have a difficult time not getting drawn into his crazy-making side-tracks, blaming game, twisting issues, etc. I prefer not to talk to him at all because I am just not very good at going round and round with him. I prefer email. He won't ever use email.
I'd really like to force the written/email issue on this one though because I am SURE it is going to become a bigger, more lied-about, more psycho issue in the future.
No, we have no custody aggreement yet.
My idea for an email is below here. I know I am going on about things too much. I know I am giving reasons maybe where I don't need to be giving reasons. I don't know. Could you all wonderful practiced peeps help me rewrite it so my goal is met without the extra crap? Goal: know when I need to provide/acquire child care because of my committments for work/appts/etc or when X wants to be the one to watch DS. if the baby comes tomorrow whooo - no need but NOTHING is happening yet and they are now questioning the due date they gave me. I may have a few weeks of summer child care I need to work out.
So I understand you want to make a big point about how your life is none of my business. I truly agree. But it also SEEMS like you expect me to be able to read your mind, know what you are referring to vaguely, etc even though you don't just come out and tell me things.
I don't want to have to ask questions because I really don't care and I hate your snotty NoneOfYourBusiness kind of answers and the other weird games you play. I'd prefer to not speak regarding non-kid issues at all.
But scheduling is a kid issue.
Would you like to figure out a way to communicate with me when you are available to watch your children, when you expect to have time with your children, or when I need to arrange other care for your children should I have work, etc? I'm sure if I make a suggestion you'll fight it, so how's about you take the lead on this issue and find a way to rationally, adultly, make an appropriate plan.
Or should I just plan on full-time coverage by me and/or my arrangements for child care and the occassional unscheduled/unplanned interruption by you?
Should I not get any written feedback from you by the time DS's school is out and should I NOT have delivered the baby yet (i.e. will be home all the time anyway) I most likely will talk to the OC Y about daycamp coverage which should coincide with my work hours and keep DS busy all day.
So 6/6 early a.m. will be the time I expect to have some direction from you before making all my own arrangements without input from you.
When would you like to see DS and DD/DS?
When would you like to see DS and DD/DS?
Arrange for care yourself. Don't rely on him. Go about your life like he doesn't exist and then if he shows up, whoo hoo, send the babysitter home.
Don't talk to him on the phone.
eta: Use the children's names. I always use their names. And no nicknames.
[This message edited by littlefoggy at 12:10 PM, June 3rd (Tuesday)]
I plan to enroll DS11 in xxx care starting on mm/dd. Please let me know if you want any regularly scheduled visitation so I can plan for that. I will need 48 hours notice to any changes to DS11's schedule.
PS. Take my car again and I will cut off your balls with a rusty knife.
jk on the PS part....kinda jk anyway
You need to plan you life as if you are already D and not living in the same house. Whether he has a job or what his hours are should be no concern to you as long as he is keeping the visitation schedule, giving adequate notice when he cannot take visitation, and paying CS on time.
Let's focus on what you CAN control. You will have to provide child care regardless of if he "wants" to watch DS. NO. You get everything in order and don't rely on him for anything.
Car missing? Next time, report it stolen. You don't need to warn him or anything.
He doesn't like email? Use good ol' postal service. It doesn't cost that much extra to send it certified. I was really cheap and just used the service that proved I mailed it.
Jennifer99 ~ you need to take care of you. All this bullshit stress is not good for you and your baby and your DS. If I were in your shoes, I would get everything planned for DS11 asap. DS11 will need/thrive with the consistency of day camp and you will be able to care for your newborn. Win/win situation. Sending you tons of hugs!
Its been a BAD day. Starting with wanting to rip the ob's arms off when he checked me this morning LOL.
I have done exactly as you all are saying in the past.
It is coming about now that when I DO make plans without his input and pay for these things he UNDOES them. I have no way of stopping his undoing.
I paid for swim lessons and made transportation arrangements for ds, he missed half his lessons because his dad would go pick him up from school for something else just to spite me/make ds miserable.
I can't afford to pay for daycamp/daycare if he isn't going to attend.
Twice this week I went to pick up my kid from where he was supposed to be for afterschool care and he wasn't there, his dad already got him.
It is confusing and scary for me and confusing and scary for ds.
I will use names in the real communication but took them out for posting here.
When I tried to object to stbx's seat of the pants crap with ds he just gets to remind me he is his father and he can do what he wants. Meahwhile I pay for nothing, I don't know where my son is, and I can't answer my son's questions about his expectations for the day (seeking security in the chaos that is ours now).
I also thought of writing:
Congratulations on your new job! Since I have no knowledge or communication from you on scheduling I am enrolling ds in child care (not specifying which care/camp so he CANNOT interfere) for the hours I am working. You can email me 48 hours in advance if you'd like to make alternate arrangements.
(in the past he's used things like this to claim I am controlling and trying to keep ds from him - hence me feeling the urge to put a lot of explanation in there, bad habit)
I do know for a fact his hours are exact opposite mine though so he has all day to try and wreak some havoc. I work 9-5 M-F and he's working all overnights. And I don't know how long I can get away with not giving him specifics about where ds is or ds himself not giving it away. BUT, good news is - the camp - he'd have to have a car to go get ds (vs. afterschool care being within walking distance) so as long as I control my car keys better he's going to have to find an accomplice to help him get ds from camp.
1) from experience, there will be no notice when he has a change of plans, I've been getting MUCH practice at winging EVERYTHING and working with ds's school, providers, leaders, and coaches at crisis management ( I owe them ALL big time).
2) no cs either, not yet and not sure when that will change.
I almost feel like I should just let the ob "get things started" as he was pushing for this morning so I can head right into summer with ds.
Definitely get DS a phone. I got DD a phone at age 9 because of crap my bitch SIL and X were trying to pull.
My poor boy. I'm trying to equip him but not scare him with tools, skills, and thought processes to deal with it all.
Mostly just "hang on, hopefully it will all be sorted soon".
I might just need to get a little pushi(er) with the lawyer and have him write something.
Having ALL go through the L would be so FREEING!
Not to be body - but is the baby his? Make sure you get temporary support for you and BOTH kids lined up all at the same time. Even if the little critter is still hiding in your uterus!
That shit is ridiculous. Kudos to you, with all those pregnancy hormones raging, for not verbally ripping his head off. What an asshole.
Good luck with your L&D!!!
I get why you are trying to communicate with your WH right now. The baby is coming anyday, DS is off school as of this friday....yeah, you need to know what's going on!
1) Do not mention that you know he has a job. Concentrate on childcare arrangements.
2) Write the letter, email it, and send it certified.
3) what do YOU think is a fair visitation schedule? Stop asking him if he won't answer you. TELL him that with school ending and the baby coming, you need to know the plan, and DS needs the consistency of a set plan. Tell him his nights are MOn/Wed, from 4-7, and EOW (or whatever you deem as fair). Tell him DS will be going to a day camp. (set up the camp that only you have permission to pick up DS, or at least only you on your days). Tell him if he wants to discuss this you have to have the plan in place before friday. No answer? YOur plan stands.
Stop asking him. Tell him. Get your lawyer to draw it up and get it into the courts. It's time to protect you and the kids. Good luck with the delivery!
WH says marriage is over: May 15, 2009.
EA#2 July 20, 2009. Legally sep: Aug 16, 2009. DIVORCED!!!! Signed Nov 23, final Dec 24, 2010, adultery listed.
Two steps forward and one step backwards, is still progress.
Stop talking to him and/or writing him emails. He is gorging on your ego kibbles. If you have to write emails/texts...facts only.
Tonight he says "So, with my new job and my schedule I am only going to be able to see DS Tu/Tr evenings and saturdays. You're going to have to figure out childcare and getting him to his activities. I'll show up to the ones I can make to watch. I don't know that I'll be any help taking care of a newborn until I get myself used to this schedule so you're on your own there. I'll let you know when I can help." I mostly tuned out there because the rest of his spiel was about how I 'brought this on myself making him get a job, have fun taking care of 2 kids all on my own all summer, blah blah blah'. I fail to see how he see's this as a bad thing?
My only response was to ask when this started because Friday there is no camp yet, no "aftercare", and school goes for 1 hour out of the day. I didn't explain all that. When he said "immediately" I just figured I'm using a vacation day friday LOL.
If I could have ONLY gotten it in an email for the L's. I think though just by establishing this pattern it can only help the actual parenting schedule process in my favor.
He didn't mention anything like ROFR so I can always count on my family for help shuttling DS if I'm a bit incapacitated after having the baby.
Torn - would be happy if he flunked and I could TRY to use it against him but happy he passed as I was having some serious concerns about the way he looked (looks) after his more and more frequent disappearances and how it might affect my sanity during times the kids had to be with him. Pale, weird eyes, red eyes, just all around gross. I thought he was out using drugs or something. Can't be drugs if he passed his test for work. Must just be a ho. Hope she likes him. Maybe she'll get him out of here and I won't have to find a new place. Maybe now he's employed he'll be more attractive to someone.
The more you tell an NPD what to do, the more they will do the opposite. At some point, you gotta back off, pick you battles, and let them be crazy.
I am only going to be able to see DS Tu/Tr evenings and saturdays.
Your stbx is a dick and you REALLY need to get a temporary court-ordered placement schedule set....like, yesterday.
Your child is old enough that he *knows* his own schedule. He knows when he's supposed to have a swim lesson.....and he knows that he's not getting there. Your L needs you to bitch-slap him/her upside the head because the shenanigans your stbx is pulling is damaging your son. Schedule a face-to-face sit-down with your L and tell him/her that your stbx's actions are causing your child distress and say "what can we immediately do about this?" A wishy-washy answer is unacceptable. If your L does not understand how upsetting this current situation is for your child....and you, about to give birth......then tell your L that s/he needs to take this kid shit more seriously or you will have to find a L who does.
In my effort to be *concise*, I often come off as blunt and harsh. Sorry, don't mean to be offensive.