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Divorce/Separation Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: Help - rewrite communication need
Jennifer99
♀ Member
Member # 39551
Default  Posted: 11:20 AM, June 3rd (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Background:

-D in process
-still both live in same house (I am trying desp. to get out)
-stbxwh npd, pass/agg, scary, lately pulling disappearing acts with "none of your business" when I get upset he took the car (I'm 40 weeks pregnant and its MY car and the ONLY car and my only trans to hospital and stbx does not have a cell).
-have 11 yo son, school is out 6/6
-stbx FINALLY got a job (as he expected me to know even though he never told me and just called me up today asking about son's baseball schedule conflicting with his work schedule - baseball sched which I put in a shared calendar he won't use UGGGH)

If I try to have a conversation regarding finances or child care issues there are big problems. I have a difficult time not getting drawn into his crazy-making side-tracks, blaming game, twisting issues, etc. I prefer not to talk to him at all because I am just not very good at going round and round with him. I prefer email. He won't ever use email.

I'd really like to force the written/email issue on this one though because I am SURE it is going to become a bigger, more lied-about, more psycho issue in the future.

No, we have no custody aggreement yet.

My idea for an email is below here. I know I am going on about things too much. I know I am giving reasons maybe where I don't need to be giving reasons. I don't know. Could you all wonderful practiced peeps help me rewrite it so my goal is met without the extra crap? Goal: know when I need to provide/acquire child care because of my committments for work/appts/etc or when X wants to be the one to watch DS. if the baby comes tomorrow whooo - no need but NOTHING is happening yet and they are now questioning the due date they gave me. I may have a few weeks of summer child care I need to work out.

TO STBXNPDDouche:

So I understand you want to make a big point about how your life is none of my business. I truly agree. But it also SEEMS like you expect me to be able to read your mind, know what you are referring to vaguely, etc even though you don't just come out and tell me things.

I don't want to have to ask questions because I really don't care and I hate your snotty NoneOfYourBusiness kind of answers and the other weird games you play. I'd prefer to not speak regarding non-kid issues at all.

But scheduling is a kid issue.

Would you like to figure out a way to communicate with me when you are available to watch your children, when you expect to have time with your children, or when I need to arrange other care for your children should I have work, etc? I'm sure if I make a suggestion you'll fight it, so how's about you take the lead on this issue and find a way to rationally, adultly, make an appropriate plan.

Or should I just plan on full-time coverage by me and/or my arrangements for child care and the occassional unscheduled/unplanned interruption by you?

Please advise.

Thanks.

Should I not get any written feedback from you by the time DS's school is out and should I NOT have delivered the baby yet (i.e. will be home all the time anyway) I most likely will talk to the OC Y about daycamp coverage which should coincide with my work hours and keep DS busy all day.

So 6/6 early a.m. will be the time I expect to have some direction from you before making all my own arrangements without input from you.


Posts: 556 | Registered: Jun 2013
littlefoggy
♀ Member
Member # 41429
Default  Posted: 12:04 PM, June 3rd (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Whoa! Way too many words. I could barely keep up with what you are trying to say.

Hi STBXNPDDouche!

When would you like to see DS and DD/DS?

Thanks!
Jennifer99

Arrange for care yourself. Don't rely on him. Go about your life like he doesn't exist and then if he shows up, whoo hoo, send the babysitter home.

Don't talk to him on the phone.

eta: Use the children's names. I always use their names. And no nicknames.

[This message edited by littlefoggy at 12:10 PM, June 3rd (Tuesday)]


Me: BW 30
WH 37
DDay 11/12/13
Divorcing

Posts: 497 | Registered: Nov 2013
itainteasy
♀ Member
Member # 31094
Default  Posted: 12:16 PM, June 3rd (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Next time he takes YOUR car, call the police and report it stolen.

Posts: 3419 | Registered: Feb 2011 | From: NWPA
Dreamboat
♀ Member
Member # 10506
Default  Posted: 12:34 PM, June 3rd (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Dear asshole,

I plan to enroll DS11 in xxx care starting on mm/dd. Please let me know if you want any regularly scheduled visitation so I can plan for that. I will need 48 hours notice to any changes to DS11's schedule.

Regards, Jen

PS. Take my car again and I will cut off your balls with a rusty knife.

jk on the PS part....kinda jk anyway

You need to plan you life as if you are already D and not living in the same house. Whether he has a job or what his hours are should be no concern to you as long as he is keeping the visitation schedule, giving adequate notice when he cannot take visitation, and paying CS on time.


And it's hard to dance with a devil on your back
So shake him off
-- Shake It Out, Florence And The Machine

Posts: 17689 | Registered: Apr 2006 | From: A better place :)
dmari
♀ Member
Member # 37215
Default  Posted: 12:47 PM, June 3rd (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Please do not send that to him. I can just imagine him enjoying the ego kibbles you are giving him. Ugh. He is a douche.

Let's focus on what you CAN control. You will have to provide child care regardless of if he "wants" to watch DS. NO. You get everything in order and don't rely on him for anything.

Car missing? Next time, report it stolen. You don't need to warn him or anything.

He doesn't like email? Use good ol' postal service. It doesn't cost that much extra to send it certified. I was really cheap and just used the service that proved I mailed it.

Jennifer99 ~ you need to take care of you. All this bullshit stress is not good for you and your baby and your DS. If I were in your shoes, I would get everything planned for DS11 asap. DS11 will need/thrive with the consistency of day camp and you will be able to care for your newborn. Win/win situation. Sending you tons of hugs!


Me (BS): 43 Children: DD 19, DS 15
Divorced September 30, 2014
"It's always darkest before the dawn ..."

Posts: 2271 | Registered: Oct 2012
Jennifer99
♀ Member
Member # 39551
Default  Posted: 1:48 PM, June 3rd (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Sorry. Lets see if I can get this out and make sense.

Its been a BAD day. Starting with wanting to rip the ob's arms off when he checked me this morning LOL.

I have done exactly as you all are saying in the past.

It is coming about now that when I DO make plans without his input and pay for these things he UNDOES them. I have no way of stopping his undoing.

I paid for swim lessons and made transportation arrangements for ds, he missed half his lessons because his dad would go pick him up from school for something else just to spite me/make ds miserable.

I can't afford to pay for daycamp/daycare if he isn't going to attend.

Twice this week I went to pick up my kid from where he was supposed to be for afterschool care and he wasn't there, his dad already got him.

It is confusing and scary for me and confusing and scary for ds.

I will use names in the real communication but took them out for posting here.

When I tried to object to stbx's seat of the pants crap with ds he just gets to remind me he is his father and he can do what he wants. Meahwhile I pay for nothing, I don't know where my son is, and I can't answer my son's questions about his expectations for the day (seeking security in the chaos that is ours now).

I also thought of writing:

Congratulations on your new job! Since I have no knowledge or communication from you on scheduling I am enrolling ds in child care (not specifying which care/camp so he CANNOT interfere) for the hours I am working. You can email me 48 hours in advance if you'd like to make alternate arrangements.

(in the past he's used things like this to claim I am controlling and trying to keep ds from him - hence me feeling the urge to put a lot of explanation in there, bad habit)

I do know for a fact his hours are exact opposite mine though so he has all day to try and wreak some havoc. I work 9-5 M-F and he's working all overnights. And I don't know how long I can get away with not giving him specifics about where ds is or ds himself not giving it away. BUT, good news is - the camp - he'd have to have a car to go get ds (vs. afterschool care being within walking distance) so as long as I control my car keys better he's going to have to find an accomplice to help him get ds from camp.


Posts: 556 | Registered: Jun 2013
Jennifer99
♀ Member
Member # 39551
Default  Posted: 1:51 PM, June 3rd (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Forgot a couple points to reply to your comments:

1) from experience, there will be no notice when he has a change of plans, I've been getting MUCH practice at winging EVERYTHING and working with ds's school, providers, leaders, and coaches at crisis management ( I owe them ALL big time).

2) no cs either, not yet and not sure when that will change.


Posts: 556 | Registered: Jun 2013
Jennifer99
♀ Member
Member # 39551
Default  Posted: 1:59 PM, June 3rd (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Oh and I am looking into getting ds a phone/plan so I can give him some reassurance of not ever being stranded/forgotten (both have happened bc of his dad) AND he can text me if/when his dad gets him from somewhere and I can save a trip. But I was hoping to put that off until I return to work from maternity leave.

I almost feel like I should just let the ob "get things started" as he was pushing for this morning so I can head right into summer with ds.


Posts: 556 | Registered: Jun 2013
Dreamboat
♀ Member
Member # 10506
Default  Posted: 2:38 PM, June 3rd (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

YOu need to document all of his shenanigans and tell your L. That shit has to stop NOW. Ask your L to draft stbx a letter rather than you sending an email. Your stbx obviously does not respect any communication from you, so start making it ALL thru the L. Make sure you have very good documentation of all of this because a judge will not be amused by the behavior either.

Definitely get DS a phone. I got DD a phone at age 9 because of crap my bitch SIL and X were trying to pull.


And it's hard to dance with a devil on your back
So shake him off
-- Shake It Out, Florence And The Machine

Posts: 17689 | Registered: Apr 2006 | From: A better place :)
Jennifer99
♀ Member
Member # 39551
Default  Posted: 2:46 PM, June 3rd (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My lawyer seems very 'meh' about stbx's shenanigans. I've gotten to be almost as 'meh' except for the car missing when I needed to get to the hospital and monitored for baby this past thursday night and the stress on ds of not knowing if he's coming or going.

My poor boy. I'm trying to equip him but not scare him with tools, skills, and thought processes to deal with it all.

Mostly just "hang on, hopefully it will all be sorted soon".

I might just need to get a little pushi(er) with the lawyer and have him write something.

Having ALL go through the L would be so FREEING!


Posts: 556 | Registered: Jun 2013
nekorb
♀ Member
Member # 40306
Default  Posted: 2:59 PM, June 3rd (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Jennifer - do you have an attorney? I'd get a parenting plan in place, even if it's temporary, RIGHT NOW. If no attorney yet, get one.

Not to be body - but is the baby his? Make sure you get temporary support for you and BOTH kids lined up all at the same time. Even if the little critter is still hiding in your uterus!

That shit is ridiculous. Kudos to you, with all those pregnancy hormones raging, for not verbally ripping his head off. What an asshole.

(((Hugs)))

Good luck with your L&D!!!


Me: BS 44; Him: WH 47 aka CAT- colossal asshat; Married 22 years
D-day: July 17, 2013, with TT to follow
D filed July 16, 2014, 363 days later than I should have
Psalms 27:14
Wait for The Lord; be strong and take heart. Wait for the Lord.

Posts: 1838 | Registered: Aug 2013
devistatedmom
♀ Member
Member # 24961
Default  Posted: 3:07 PM, June 3rd (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

TELL your lawyer that you NEED a set visitation schedule NOW. With the baby coming, you NEED to know, and DS needs to know what is happening. Tell your lawyer if he is unable to do this at this time to give you your retainer back, and you will find someone else.

I get why you are trying to communicate with your WH right now. The baby is coming anyday, DS is off school as of this friday....yeah, you need to know what's going on!

1) Do not mention that you know he has a job. Concentrate on childcare arrangements.

2) Write the letter, email it, and send it certified.

3) what do YOU think is a fair visitation schedule? Stop asking him if he won't answer you. TELL him that with school ending and the baby coming, you need to know the plan, and DS needs the consistency of a set plan. Tell him his nights are MOn/Wed, from 4-7, and EOW (or whatever you deem as fair). Tell him DS will be going to a day camp. (set up the camp that only you have permission to pick up DS, or at least only you on your days). Tell him if he wants to discuss this you have to have the plan in place before friday. No answer? YOur plan stands.

Stop asking him. Tell him. Get your lawyer to draw it up and get it into the courts. It's time to protect you and the kids. Good luck with the delivery!


BS(me) 46, Two wonderful teens.
He is no longer my best friend. Repeat until it sticks.

WH says marriage is over: May 15, 2009.
EA#2 July 20, 2009. Legally sep: Aug 16, 2009. DIVORCED!!!! Signed Nov 23, final Dec 24, 2010, adultery listed.


Posts: 5527 | Registered: Jul 2009 | From: Canada
Gemini71
♀ Member
Member # 40115
Default  Posted: 3:38 PM, June 3rd (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I second the need for a parenting plan. Your STBXNPDDouche's antics with your son are scary. Your only protection is a legal document. If your lawyer doesn't make that a high priority, then you need another lawyer. Good luck.


Edited to correct stupid typos.

Two steps forward and one step backwards, is still progress.


Posts: 1866 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: Illinois, USA
tesla
♀ Member
Member # 34697
Default  Posted: 5:20 PM, June 3rd (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

If you have not filed for D, you need to.
You need a temporary custody order in the meantime.
If your lawyer is 'meh' about stbx's shenanigans, you need a new one.

Stop talking to him and/or writing him emails. He is gorging on your ego kibbles. If you have to write emails/texts...facts only.


"Thou art the son and heir of a mongrel bitch." --King Lear

Posts: 4687 | Registered: Jan 2012 | From: Indiana
Amazonia
♀ Member
Member # 32810
Default  Posted: 7:00 PM, June 3rd (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

School, daycare, camp, etc. all need to be informed that you are going through a messy divorce and that they are not to release your children to ANYONE but you without prior notice and permission from you.


"You yourself deserve your love and affection as much as anybody in the universe." -Buddha
"Let's face it, life is a crap shoot." -Sad in AZ

Posts: 13801 | Registered: Jul 2011
Jennifer99
♀ Member
Member # 39551
Default  Posted: 7:38 PM, June 3rd (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Well - I think the more I DON'T communicate the better off I am. (hence the very full 'drafts' folder in my email of unsent emails when i can't figure out how to deal with this stuff lol)

Tonight he says "So, with my new job and my schedule I am only going to be able to see DS Tu/Tr evenings and saturdays. You're going to have to figure out childcare and getting him to his activities. I'll show up to the ones I can make to watch. I don't know that I'll be any help taking care of a newborn until I get myself used to this schedule so you're on your own there. I'll let you know when I can help." I mostly tuned out there because the rest of his spiel was about how I 'brought this on myself making him get a job, have fun taking care of 2 kids all on my own all summer, blah blah blah'. I fail to see how he see's this as a bad thing?

My only response was to ask when this started because Friday there is no camp yet, no "aftercare", and school goes for 1 hour out of the day. I didn't explain all that. When he said "immediately" I just figured I'm using a vacation day friday LOL.

If I could have ONLY gotten it in an email for the L's. I think though just by establishing this pattern it can only help the actual parenting schedule process in my favor.

He didn't mention anything like ROFR so I can always count on my family for help shuttling DS if I'm a bit incapacitated after having the baby.


Posts: 556 | Registered: Jun 2013
Jennifer99
♀ Member
Member # 39551
Default  Posted: 7:40 PM, June 3rd (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

AND he brought ds home ontime from baseball tonight and then did his evening disappearing act without touching my car. I guess I made my point about the car.

Posts: 556 | Registered: Jun 2013
Jennifer99
♀ Member
Member # 39551
Default  Posted: 7:58 PM, June 3rd (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Oh! and it just dawned on me - if he got this job as it appears he did - he passed a drug test! And I know he had no notice for it as he had to mooch a ride TO it from me since its not on the bus route.

Torn - would be happy if he flunked and I could TRY to use it against him but happy he passed as I was having some serious concerns about the way he looked (looks) after his more and more frequent disappearances and how it might affect my sanity during times the kids had to be with him. Pale, weird eyes, red eyes, just all around gross. I thought he was out using drugs or something. Can't be drugs if he passed his test for work. Must just be a ho. Hope she likes him. Maybe she'll get him out of here and I won't have to find a new place. Maybe now he's employed he'll be more attractive to someone.


Posts: 556 | Registered: Jun 2013
littlefoggy
♀ Member
Member # 41429
Default  Posted: 8:14 PM, June 3rd (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You may just have to wing it and document the ridiculous-ness while STBX is dicking around.

The more you tell an NPD what to do, the more they will do the opposite. At some point, you gotta back off, pick you battles, and let them be crazy.


Me: BW 30
WH 37
DDay 11/12/13
Divorcing

Posts: 497 | Registered: Nov 2013
gonnabe2016
♀ Member
Member # 34823
Default  Posted: 12:32 AM, June 4th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I am only going to be able to see DS Tu/Tr evenings and saturdays.

Send him an email or just hand the f'n p/a guy a piece of paper where you have written out.....
"per our conversation, *you* are responsible for DS on Tu/Tr evenings from <whatever> time until <whatever> time and EO Saturday (or every Saturday if you're ok with that) from <whatever> time until <whatever> time. I will make the necessary arrangements for the summer schedule."

Your stbx is a dick and you REALLY need to get a temporary court-ordered placement schedule set....like, yesterday.

When I tried to object to stbx's seat of the pants crap with ds he just gets to remind me he is his father and he can do what he wants. Meahwhile I pay for nothing, I don't know where my son is, and I can't answer my son's questions about his expectations for the day (seeking security in the chaos that is ours now).

Without a court order stating otherwise, your stbx is right. He can do whatever he wants where your kid is concerned. Problem is that your stbx is acting like a douche and causing your child to miss lessons and live in a state of upheaval all because your stbx wants to pull his "you're not the boss of me" bullshit.

Your child is old enough that he *knows* his own schedule. He knows when he's supposed to have a swim lesson.....and he knows that he's not getting there. Your L needs you to bitch-slap him/her upside the head because the shenanigans your stbx is pulling is damaging your son. Schedule a face-to-face sit-down with your L and tell him/her that your stbx's actions are causing your child distress and say "what can we immediately do about this?" A wishy-washy answer is unacceptable. If your L does not understand how upsetting this current situation is for your child....and you, about to give birth......then tell your L that s/he needs to take this kid shit more seriously or you will have to find a L who does.



"Oh, what a tangled web we weave when first we practice to deceive." - Sir Walter Scott

In my effort to be *concise*, I often come off as blunt and harsh. Sorry, don't mean to be offensive.


Posts: 8088 | Registered: Feb 2012 | From: Midwest
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