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Divorce/Separation Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: When does this feeling go away?
freeatlast72
♀ Member
Member # 42758
Default  Posted: 10:17 AM, June 3rd (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

So when does this gut wrenching, sick to my stomach feeling go away? I can't walk around without thinking about Dday and what STBXH and OW are doing, etc... Everybody talks about getting to indifference, but I don't know if I will EVER get there!!


BS:41 (me)
WH: 41
Kids: DD6
DDay: 12/31/2013
Married 15 years
Separated as of 01/16/2014,now divorcing...WH did not want to reconcile.

You can't rationalize irrational behavior.


Posts: 135 | Registered: Mar 2014 | From: North Carolina
sparkysable
♀ Member
Member # 3703
Default  Posted: 10:19 AM, June 3rd (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Your D-day was only like 5 months ago, correct?

I was a good straight year of being a mess before I felt somewhat human, but especially the first 4-5 months, I didn't eat or sleep, and wailed on the floor in the fetal position.


D-day OW#1 2/2004; R for 6 years; D-day OW#2 5/2010

Marriages that start this way, stepping over the bodies of loved ones as the giddy couple walks down the aisle, are not likely to last.


Posts: 3477 | Registered: Mar 2004 | From: NY
suckstobeme
♀ Member
Member # 30853
Default  Posted: 11:37 AM, June 3rd (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

The bad news is that it takes a while. Like Sparky said, the first year is a bit of a blur and if you're not D yet and he is still with OW, there are a lot of emotions to work through and process.

That's the shitty part.

The good news is that it will end. You think it won't, but it will. You think you won't ever be able to see him or hear his voice without wanting to either bash his face in or sob uncontrollably, but you will. It just takes a lot of time and a lot of NC. I know you have a young child so complete NC is impossible, but that's why emails and texts are such great inventions. Keep everything business like with him and don't show him any more of your emotions - he doesn't deserve it. And, whatever you do, don't look at their social media sites or do any more snooping. You're divorcing. He's with her ... for now. There isn't anything else you need to know and anything new will gut you. Trust me.

It's all about you now, honey. I used to hate it when people would say that to me and I actually didn't even really know what the hell it meant. What me? I used to think there is no me in this scenario? It's all about him and his selfish decisions and the me that's left is left here to raise kids, work, and take care of a house that I never wanted to live in by myself.

When all that passed, I started to see that I still do exist and I still have hopes and dreams that won't be tied to him anymore. Taking care of yourself doesn't have to mean going back to school or going to Europe or anything major, especially for right now. To me, it meant very small victories and spending time alone to the point where I started to like it. A small victory was painting the cabinets in my bathroom and installing new hardware, or putting together a big wheel for my kids by myself. Spending time alone was me, my fireplace, a glass of wine and my Kindle. All of those small steps that you will take are going to collectively help to heal your soul. One day of soaking in a tub isn't going to do it. But, making a standing monthly date with a few girlfriends for lunch and a pedicure will really help over time.

It's all about time, which, in the beginning, is nothing but a dirty, filthy word. But it's true.

You will get there. Not today or tomorrow, but it's coming. You won't even really notice when it comes. You will just start to notice that not every day is consumed with these thoughts. You will start to notice that your laugh came back and that you like the taste of food again. You will find yourself surrounded by true friends and family who love you and you will find yourself feeling very grateful rather than being sad because you're missing something.

It will happen. Thousands of us have gone before you and we are here to tell you. Just hang in there.


BW - me
ExWH - "that one"
D - 2011
You get what you put in, and people get what they deserve.
Hard as it may be, try to never give the OP any of your power or head space.

Posts: 2879 | Registered: Jan 2011
PhantomLimb
♀ Member
Member # 39668
Default  Posted: 3:00 PM, June 3rd (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It took me about 6 months to not think about it every second, cry everyday and begin eating and sleeping again. Took about another three months after that to feel somewhat normal and gain some weight. Then I got involved in a big project at work and it distracted me enough that, when I finished it, about a month ago, I found that I was much closer to myself than I had been in months. So it took about a year all told.

At this point I only tend to have a bad day when I'm over-tired or stressed. I am moving to a new city and went to look for a place and almost cried on the plane because I was thinking something along the lines of "he should be here helping me"... but I was on little sleep, had allergies, etc. A good night's sleep and some poboys and mimosas later and I was fine.

You will begin to come out of the cave and see him for who he is and be excited for your fresh start!


BS / D

Posts: 863 | Registered: Jun 2013
newlysingle
♀ Member
Member # 38735
Default  Posted: 3:12 PM, June 3rd (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm about 16 months out and I think I finally can see indifference at the end of the tunnel. I'm not quite there yet, bit I feel it coming. I just found out about a month ago that XH was engaged to OW. I'll admit that it stung a little, but just a little. I got over it quickly and realized that I was glad it wasn't me. I think it would have put me in the fetal position even 6 months ago.

It will come, but it takes time. It's so horrible to go through, but just know that everything your feeling is normal. Pain is also a great motivator. It forces us to make changes and to things we never thought we could. You will come out of this a better, happier person, but the in between part sucks. No doubt about it.


BW - Me (38)
XWH -The Gnat
OW - Hello Kitty the Whore Engaged to the Gnat. I hear the white trash, wedding bells as we speak.
M for 8 years, together for 10
1 DD (7), 1 DS (2)
Dday 3/13
Happily Divorced 9/20/13

Posts: 958 | Registered: Mar 2013
KJac
♀ Member
Member # 21332
Default  Posted: 3:33 PM, June 3rd (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I love this thread and all of the responses. Hope this isn't a t/j - just wanted to say I needed to hear this today. Thanks and big hugs to ((((freeatlast72))))


Me-BS38
Him-WS/STBX39
M 16yrs Together 18+
Cheated our whole relationship Multiple Ddays, Multiple OW, Multiple EAs and PAs
DS17, TwinDSs16, DD11

Posts: 286 | Registered: Oct 2008
freeatlast72
♀ Member
Member # 42758
Default  Posted: 4:10 PM, June 3rd (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

((KJac))

I have been having some horrible days....I am moving out of our marital home and into a place of my own. Can.not.wait.

STBXH still sees OW.

Ex-MIL blocked me on facebook...really?? I have never done anything to her except repeat what others have told me about OW's kids being all over her and spending the night at her house....plus I saw how those kids acted around her. Very weird and disrespectful towards me.

Anyway, thank you all for your responses. There is hope at the end of the tunnel!


BS:41 (me)
WH: 41
Kids: DD6
DDay: 12/31/2013
Married 15 years
Separated as of 01/16/2014,now divorcing...WH did not want to reconcile.

You can't rationalize irrational behavior.


Posts: 135 | Registered: Mar 2014 | From: North Carolina
Acer0112
♀ Member
Member # 43241
Default  Posted: 9:18 PM, June 3rd (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm there with you, similar DDays. I am having the worst few days. Have L meeting tomorrow, mediation on Thursday, he's having OW come into town this weekend, I am going to a friends wedding, splitting assets, getting house decluttered, washer broke, freezer broke, DD had emergency surgery last Thursday, she's doing well, WH was there but texting OW, so I guess this week can go down as a really crappy week.

I felt like I was stronger last month, I think all the expenses and him still entertaining her is the worst. Definitely trying to breathe under water.


D-Day 1/24/14
D-Day2 04/08/14, false R
17yrs married, 23yrs together
Two kids 13, 11
Divorced 10/2014

Posts: 201 | Registered: Apr 2014
freeatlast72
♀ Member
Member # 42758
Default  Posted: 11:28 PM, June 3rd (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Acer0112, good luck with your attorney meeting tomorrow and mediation on Thursday! Be strong! Keep us posted! My mediation was on April 22nd.

STBXH came to pick up DD6 tonight and everytime I see him my blood boils, I do not talk to him...only over text or email. I still hate him and what he did.

When I am in my own house he can just wait in the driveway for DD6 or I can meet him somewhere! No way in hell is he coming in.


BS:41 (me)
WH: 41
Kids: DD6
DDay: 12/31/2013
Married 15 years
Separated as of 01/16/2014,now divorcing...WH did not want to reconcile.

You can't rationalize irrational behavior.


Posts: 135 | Registered: Mar 2014 | From: North Carolina
KJac
♀ Member
Member # 21332
Default  Posted: 11:19 AM, June 4th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I am also moving out of our home in about 2 weeks and cannot wait either. Neither of us owns it (provided through his employer) and it will be yet another "tie" I can cut that he has used to try and control me. But I'm stressed w/having to move 4 kids and 11 years worth of "buildup". Plus, while my boys are excited to move, my daughter is really struggling emotionally as this is the only home she has ever known (moved here when she was 6 mnths. old.) And while I deal w/this stress he is busy running around w/his latest whore(s) of the month. I've been told one of the latest just turned 21 - he turned 40 in April.

I'm assuming it's probably due to stress but lately I just feel like I'm back on the crazy end of the emotional rollercoaster. Anger, hurt, tears and PURE HATRED for the POS. All while doing my damnedest to ignore his random crazy texting, calling, voicemails usually asking me questions he either already knows the answers to or are none of his business. Some days I would just like to scream in his face YOU GOT WHAT YOU WANTED - ZERO GROWNUP RESPONSIBILITIES AND GUILT-FREE FUCKFEST SO LEAVE ME ALONE!!! But, alas, the *crickets* are really so much better as NC is much healthier/healing for me + added bonus: it drives him nuts ...


Me-BS38
Him-WS/STBX39
M 16yrs Together 18+
Cheated our whole relationship Multiple Ddays, Multiple OW, Multiple EAs and PAs
DS17, TwinDSs16, DD11

Posts: 286 | Registered: Oct 2008
freeatlast72
♀ Member
Member # 42758
Default  Posted: 11:28 AM, June 4th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

KJac-- I think it is the feeling of moving on and that causes a lot of these crazy feelings to resurface. I am still ANGRY as hell at POS too and his WHORE (who pretended to be my friend)!

Yes Crickets are so much better-- drives my STBXWH crazy too...he can go ahead and gave a MUCH BETTER LIFE without me!


BS:41 (me)
WH: 41
Kids: DD6
DDay: 12/31/2013
Married 15 years
Separated as of 01/16/2014,now divorcing...WH did not want to reconcile.

You can't rationalize irrational behavior.


Posts: 135 | Registered: Mar 2014 | From: North Carolina
kernel
♀ Member
Member # 27035
Default  Posted: 8:57 PM, June 4th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I will echo suckstobeme with the evil four-letter word, time. It just takes time and it's going to be different for everyone. For me, it was a long process. I really stayed stuck and just shell-shocked for the first 6 months. Then I had the "Aha" moment when I realized there was nothing I could do to save my marriage, and I got MAD. That got me through the divorce negotiations, selling the house, etc. I feel like it took me another year to truly feel human again, to not feel like the walking wounded and to have a positive outlook most days. It was at about 3 years out or so before I knew, without a doubt, that I would never consider reconciling if X were to ever ask for such a thing. He never has, there was never a chance of that, but that doesn't mean I didn't think about it quite often over that 3 years and fantasize about it. It took me that long to truly let go of my past and the future I thought I had. Today, 4 1/2 years after D-day, I really am indifferent. The only thing that gets a rise out of me is when he is an asshat with my kids. Never gonna be indifferent to that.


"On particularly rough days when I'm sure I can't possibly endure, I like to remind myself that my track record for getting through bad days so far is 100% and that's pretty good."

Posts: 5336 | Registered: Jan 2010 | From: Midwest
Topic Posts: 12

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