Since everything had happened, the amount of blogs and forums i have looked at. This has made the most sense, in regards to healing and changing as a person for myself.
Even though I have only really started the healing process I have noticed considerable changes in myself. In the way that i can openly talk about my past and not let it affect me, and the fact i can tell others about it, which is something i haven't done for years.
I can openly admit the wrongs i had done in the relationship and the whys. That when arguing i would turn cold and turn away to shut things out, which instead i should have talked and opened up more. Because in doing so i had made things get worse. I shouldn't let my past memories control me and when arguing not just run away and get drunk with friends. And just because im unhappy i shouldn't latch onto other peoples emotions and there thoughts of me because at the end of the day that shouldn't have come into the equation. What can I do to fix this, and make things better. Should have been what i asked myself.
There has been a lot of talking between myself and BGF but had stopped again on Monday 26/05. She has asked for NC again, which I will respect or unless she contacts myself first. Even though I know she wont say it, I still do believe that she is hurting, and i wish i could be there to help make everything right. But i know that's not what she wants, and forcing that would not make the situation any better. I know at this present time because of not being with her and the words i will say are empty, but i know in myself that i am changing and will continue to change and realize alot more about myself. Whether i be with her in the future or not.
As i almost backlsided today when i found something of her mothers which would have given me an excuse to message her, Im glad i spoke to my mother who reassured me that if they need it straight away they will ask for it, and just wait and give her the NC she needs ATM.
I know age is against me which might make me looked down upon compared to the other people in this forum, but i want the help to be able to continue changing making myself a better person and using these bad memoires for good reasons in the prevention of any of this happening again
NC Since 6/7/2014
I know age is against me which might make me looked down upon compared to the other people in this forum
Stop that right now. You are a valued member of this forum, no matter what your age. Whether your relationship with your BGF continues or not you should still persue your own healing and you should continue to use this board for support. I'm only three years older than you anyway! We are probably the youngest ones on this board but that just means our healing is even more important, the changes we make have to last a lifetime (we might be around another 60 years yet!)
As for the realisations about your communication skills, do you think you might be a conflict avoider?
It's great that you're putting so much effort into fixing your shit. You're determined and that will get you a long way. You're already taking huge steps, keep it up.
My Ddays - Jan 2010 & 12/04/14
His Dday - 23/12/13
Chin up. Unwavering. Fight. I can do this.
I believe yes that I could be in some regards but not that its an excuse but I was diagnosed with ADHD as a child, even though i didn't need the medication due to the side effects my mother didn't want me on them.
But I know when i get frustrated I don't know how to express myself, and because of that i frustrate myself more, which i guess leads to the reason why I can shut out and be cold as its more of a defensive. So thats the one thing i know how to tackle, is for me to say Please just give me a moment to think about this, as I don't want to argue with you.
And a lot to do with my past in regards of how my father was to mother have affected me more than i realized, there's alot of similarities in what I do to what he did back then, and im looking at the ways to counter them. And not let the past dictate the now any longer.
But in avoiding conflict, I think whence the conflict happens i ran away in the fact that I will either shut out and argue frustrating more. Or when things arn't going well i latch onto others who are showing me happiness, which I want to stop as its only momentary and it isnt even happiness its just my emotions running amock due to the vicious circle i throw myself into.
I know im ranting and writing alot and repeating but i guess for me this is part of the healing in telling all this and letting it out.
Are you going to go to IC at all? I think a good counsellor would really allow you to explore everything you've already discovered and help you create new coping mechanisms.
I have considered going to IC - But I also am planning on joining the RAF and I don't want that to affect my application. As i gotta wait 6 months for my re application.
So I am going to look at alternatives or if there is a way its not put on my medical record. Its not saying that i don't want to do it. As i would like to explore these avenues more, even more so than i able to do right now, as i guess the difficult part is finding those questions.
I guess even though its good that I am making this progress, the fact that i may never be with her again hurts me, but i know in the long run me changing is going to be for the best whether I am with her or not. Even though I am changing they are just empty words right now to her because of the amount of pain i caused her. I feel shame and guilt about these but its not enough.
I wish I could show her that I am changing and be able to show her and open up more, to try and salvage the relationship. But I know my words are empty to her after the shameful things i have done. And i cannot show my actions as she will not meet up with which is understandable.
But it is not going to stop me from changing as this is something long overdue and needs to be continued. If she breaks the NC and talks to me again fine, ill take that speed bump when i come to it. Or when I finally talk to her in regards to giving money for the holiday we went on. Ill take that on as well. Because with each day im making progress and changing and if she does speak/meet with me again, I wont be the same person i was before.
I will be better and changed