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Wayward Side Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: What are your "Whys"?
WaywardWifeToWH
♀ New Member
Member # 42808
Default  Posted: 2:55 AM, May 27th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

This has been a hot topic with my wayward and myself. We're in a stage where it seems no matter what I say, it's the wrong thing, particularly about my WHY(s).

I honestly don't have a singular why, or a grasp on the multitude of whys there may be for my horrible choice to stray.

I'm curious what other wayward's whys are. And how long did it take you to figure them out? Or *have* you yet?

Was your betrayed satisfied (I know, maybe not best choice of word, but I didn't want to use "happy") with your why/s?

What, if anything, did it help your BS achieve in their healing? Or is it more of a safety issue, knowing that your understanding of your why may help keep you from that path again?

Any insight on this topic is appreciated, from waywards or betrayeds.


Posts: 3 | Registered: Mar 2014
BrokenButTrying
♀ Member
Member # 42111
Default  Posted: 3:13 AM, May 27th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Your whys are important to you because discovering what they are gives you the power to change and be a safer person in the future.

It can be very helpful to discuss your why with your BS but in all honesty, there isn't much you can say that will help them. Whys can sound like excuses, there is no justification for an A. So the whys to your BS are irrelevant, it's what you do from Dday onwards, what you do about your whys, that matters.


Me - 27
Him - 27
Madhatters

My Ddays - Jan 2010 & 12/04/14
His Dday - 23/12/13

Chin up. Unwavering. Fight. I can do this.


Posts: 1267 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: UK
william
Member
Member # 41986
Default  Posted: 4:04 AM, May 27th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

i disagree. id love to hear a somewhat rational why from my WW. the details of her affairs she can tell me, the reasons i get are mostly IDK and ICR. its kind of infuriating to know WHAT she did but not WHY. just some sort of WHY would be nice.


me - bh
her - lara01

from 09/11 - 05/13
2 ONS, 10 sexting partners, 1 LT EA/PA

??/06/13 DD/1 - admits to LT EA, begin false R.
01/13/14 DD/2 - LTA was PA.
01/18/14 DD/3 - sexting 5 guys.
01/19/14 DD/4 - 2 ONS with different guys


Posts: 583 | Registered: Jan 2014
littlemiss1
♀ Member
Member # 43465
Default  Posted: 6:11 AM, May 27th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

All i did when i found out was ask WHy why why????

i wanted to know every detail because it helped me.
i wanted to know why i wasnt enough?
why he wasnt happy with just me?

i read somewhere that if you ask yourself what did you gain from it?
how did A make you feel at the time?
were you happy in yourself?

then you can start to see other issues.

x



Posts: 79 | Registered: May 2014
Willfightforit
♂ New Member
Member # 43455
Default  Posted: 6:15 AM, May 27th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm still trying to work mine out and I think I will be for a long time to come. Between the constant self beatings and my absolute despiration to hold onto my BW, I've put it to the back burner with a focus to address and understand in my IC sessions. I do know that it will be critical to our reconciliation and my recovery to understand them so I can prove to my BW that I will never betray or hurt her again, no matter what. Recognising what you don't like about yourself is hard, changing them is harder but worth the effort.

Building trust through my actions and helping her heal until I take my last breath.

[This message edited by Willfightforit at 6:16 AM, May 27th (Tuesday)]


Posts: 5 | Registered: May 2014 | From: Australia
20WrongsVs1
♀ Member
Member # 39000
Default  Posted: 7:18 AM, May 27th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It's a hot topic on SI, too, and for good reason. BP ask themselves and their WP "why" and really, is there ever a satisfactory answer?

Why? Because it made sense at the time. Because I'd convinced myself that I was *owed* an A or two. Because I wanted to, and figured I'd get away with it.

Now, why did it make sense at the time? That's the question we need to answer, in order to become a safe partner. Not "why did I do it" but "what changes do I need to make, so I don't do it again?" So next time I'm feeling unloved, lonely, angry, bored, old, unattractive...I process those feelings in a mature, healthy way. This, IMO, is where IC, introspection, examining one's FOO or past abuse, etc. is all very valuable.


fWW: 42
BH: 52
DDay: April 21, 2013
Sweet DS & fierce DD, under 10
"Between stimulus and response there’s a space, in that space lies our power to choose our response, in our response lies our growth and our freedom." V. Frankl

Posts: 1252 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Redneck land
Jovie
♀ Member
Member # 41956
Default  Posted: 7:24 AM, May 27th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You have to know why so that you can make sure it won't happen again. So I don't think it's that your why will make your BS feel better, but knowing that you are working toward creating a safer relationship is what will count.

My initial, superficial why is that I had unmet needs. I knew that before the A even started. That's not really a good enough why though because it places blame on the BS. So I'm still trying to explore why I didn't seek other solutions to my unmet needs. I don't think my BS will ever feel "satisfied", but I know he already feels safer in the relationship that I/we are working through these questions.


Me - WW, 33
Him - BH, 37
Dday - 12/16/13

Posts: 214 | Registered: Jan 2014
TheIrishGirl
♀ Member
Member # 43496
Default  Posted: 7:30 AM, May 27th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

The 'why' of it all was very important for me to hear from my WH. Otherwise what is being fixed? The post d-day stuff can't just be 'I'm so sorry, I'll never do it again' because that's what it should have been before the indiscretions occurred. Let's be honest, it's not like you didn't know better.

My WH's why was stress and his desire not to appear weak and unable to handle it. He went there to turn off his responsibilities/obligations- after a miscarriage, as a new father, with a mortgage, at a company that was about to re-org, with a move. So identifying that as his 'why' means that his way of fixing it is share the stress with me- that's what a marriage should be: figuring life out together; I want to be there for his sh*t, I don't expect him not to have any. It also means that I can help him because I know when things are getting stressful because I'm going through it too- I need to pull for him to share if I see we're in the middle of stuff and he isn't talking.

It also helped me as the BS to really internalize the whole, "it's not me, it's you" of it. His behavior was in no way my fault. Sure I could have encouraged him to talk more about his feelings, but it was his call to bury them and to make bad decisions with how to handle that. I had no say in that, and i couldn't have been a better wife to prevent it from happening. The 'why' isn't 'I was unhappy in our marriage' because if that were the why (the only why) you would have worked on the relationship and/or asked for a D.


Me: 31, BW Him: 38, WH
2 children (ours) 7/11 & 3/14
D-day 4/18/14 I saw his 'other' email

Posts: 715 | Registered: May 2014
DWelshe
♂ Member
Member # 43440
Default  Posted: 8:50 AM, May 27th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I agree with 20wrongsvs1

Now, why did it make sense at the time? That's the question we need to answer, in order to become a safe partner. Not "why did I do it" but "what changes do I need to make, so I don't do it again?" So next time I'm feeling unloved, lonely, angry, bored, old, unattractive...I process those feelings in a mature, healthy way. This, IMO, is where IC, introspection, examining one's FOO or past abuse, etc. is all very valuable

Learning about the why's and what we need to do to change is the most valuable thing we can do. With that were preparing ourselves to not backslide as we are aware of the starting stages - And how we can counteract them.


Me - WBF, 24
Her - EX GF, 19
Dday - 04/2014

NC Since 6/7/2014


Posts: 61 | Registered: May 2014 | From: South Wales - UK
sunnyrain
♀ Member
Member # 30164
Default  Posted: 9:33 AM, May 27th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm beginning to understand that when people ask WHY did you cheat, what they really want to know is HOW could you cheat.

The WHY could be any number of things and are oftentimes considered excuses or blame shifting.

The HOW examines more of the thought-processes behind the WHY.

Sometimes, I think it can be more telling (from a healing perspective) to examine what type of an A the WS was involved in -vs- examining the WHY.

So many seem to get stuck on the WHY.


"I'm not much into health food, I am into champagne."

Posts: 450 | Registered: Nov 2010
badchoice
♂ Member
Member # 35566
Default  Posted: 10:21 AM, May 27th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm beginning to understand that when people ask WHY did you cheat, what they really want to know is HOW could you cheat.

My BW wanted to know how did I give myself permission to cheat, why did I think it was o.k.?

For me it was important too, since i wanted to 'fix' that part of me.

It is an on going process for me. Even a week ago in my last IC session I was able to get a little deeper at it, and I have been talking with IC about this for 2 years now.

Again, for me, I can pretty much trace it all back to FOO issues, and ways of dealing that learned as a very young child, but never developed or out grew them.


Me: fWH/BH 46

Separated transitioning to D


Posts: 730 | Registered: May 2012 | From: L.A.
IntoTheLight
♀ Member
Member # 42957
Default  Posted: 10:44 AM, May 27th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It took a lot of therapy to get there, but I did finally get the "why" part of it- it had nothing to do with AP and almost everything to do with FOO issues (abandonment, abuse). Dh was well aware of how I had suffered for many years and has been understanding- it all made a lot of sense to him and has helped with his healing and confidence- it wasn't because he was inadequate. He believes that. He took a chance on damaged goods and got burned big time It is still fresh and he does fear I will hurt him again- I don't blame him and am trying to do everything to show him I won't. I think getting to the root of it all will keep me from getting on the slippery slope again.

I'm beginning to understand that when people ask WHY did you cheat, what they really want to know is HOW could you cheat.

By compartmentalizing, drinking heavily, secretly blaming my dh (we weren't in a good place when affair started) and eventually mentally checking out of the marriage. I never slept and when I did I had nightmares. Toward the end I often thought about driving my car off a bridge.


WW-Me
BS-Him
Reconciling after confessing LTA

Posts: 84 | Registered: Mar 2014
Wayflost
♀ Member
Member # 41583
Default  Posted: 1:33 PM, May 27th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I believe I found several "whys" quite early in the process. Digging deeper and working harder is terrifying at times, and I have learned lots of things I do not like. Since I already did not like myself...

My whys:
1. no self esteem (I thoroughly hate myself, and dislike me even more in the aftermath)
2. FOO issues of various types
3. Codependent tendencies (as well as potential dependant personality disorder)
4. Sexual abuse (don't remember "the" incident, but have all the earmarks)
5. The loss of my parents (neither is dead)

Etc.

My BH says that all my whys mean absolute shit to him. His opinion is that I am coward, and could not end a relationship I did not want. He's right in that I'm conflict avoidant, majorly so. He's wrong in that I do want a relationship with him, and always did.

Nothing about my choices have anything to do with him. It was always about me, and my brokenness. Unfortunately my choices have hurt him in ways I can barely even begin to comprehend. I chose to engage in behavior that I knew would hurt him IF he found out. I never knew it would hurt the way it does. Not an excuse, just a fact.

I made a lot of choices that go against my own values. Ultimately I betrayed myself too. Figuring out the why helps me understand, but has done nothing for my BH.


Me: WW
Him: BH (totalheartbreak)
Both: 30s

Posts: 493 | Registered: Dec 2013
Didact
♂ Member
Member # 42867
Default  Posted: 2:14 PM, May 27th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

BH here.

For me, the "Why" is an essential part of repairing and rebuilding. The more steps we can take to prevent a second A, which would undo me completely, the better.

Building a sounder M, more honesty, etc, all will help as well, maybe more. But why leave any stone unturned?


No matter how painful, life either adapts or it dies.

BH (Me) 49
WW 48
Married 1985
D-Day Mar 19, 2014
1 year passionate EA/PA, ended by me on d-day.
Attempting to R


Posts: 255 | Registered: Mar 2014 | From: United States
DWelshe
♂ Member
Member # 43440
Default  Posted: 2:29 PM, May 27th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Similar to Wayflost in a way - Unlike most of you here, mines to do with a BGF so not married, which has come with mixed emotions on this website.

The worst part is thinking about everything from oyur past both good and bad. Some will always say your past dosn't affect you which I believe it does. Not that im making my FOO issues as an excuse that makes what i did right. But it helps explain why you would consider that as a way out. As I know for myself, I was being selfish and cowardly and i latched onto emotions.

Wayflost - I Understand where your coming from completly, as that is how i am feeling at the moment. I never wanted any of it to happen, why would we.

But to be able to help your BH you need to be able to help yourself as well, and in understanding more about those will help in countering them. And with that can then start the healing process, the link i would suggest unless you already have read it, is the lifeboat which is bumped alot and this one http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/forums.asp?tid=324250


Me - WBF, 24
Her - EX GF, 19
Dday - 04/2014

NC Since 6/7/2014


Posts: 61 | Registered: May 2014 | From: South Wales - UK
helpemegetoverit
♀ Member
Member # 30242
Default  Posted: 5:44 PM, May 27th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It took a lot of therapy to get there, but I did finally get the "why" part of it- it had nothing to do with AP and almost everything to do with FOO issues (abandonment, abuse). Dh was well aware of how I had suffered for many years and has been understanding- it all made a lot of sense to him and has helped with his healing and confidence- it wasn't because he was inadequate. He believes that. He took a chance on damaged goods and got burned big time I think getting to the root of it all will keep me from getting on the slippery slope again.

By compartmentalizing, drinking heavily, secretly blaming my dh (we weren't in a good place when affair started) and eventually mentally checking out of the marriage. I never slept and when I did I had nightmares. Toward the end I often thought about driving my car off a bridge.

This is very very similar for me. Except I envisioned driving into a wall. Also, I actually hid a lot of my past from DH to minimize how damaged I was as I was afraid he would not want to sign up for a life with me. He knew a lot, but not all. And I never thought it had anything to do with choices I would make in the future, only linked it to choices I made in past relationships by who I chose to have relationships with.

Finding out the true 'why' was extremely hard, I can't stress how hard it was, but it did create a sort of peace eventually. It's also helped in other areas of my life in dealing with others actions and decisions since then. It has been truly freeing in many ways. I won't say I don't struggle at times, trigger times can still be hard and I do still hold some stuff in that happens, but this work on myself has been integral in our reconciliation.

[This message edited by helpemegetoverit at 5:51 PM, May 27th (Tuesday)]


Me: WW
Him: BH

"You don't get to choose if you get hurt in this world...but you do have some say in who hurts you."
John Green


Posts: 882 | Registered: Nov 2010
ResoluteH
♂ New Member
Member # 39673
Default  Posted: 6:35 PM, May 27th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

"Why did you. . . . ?" and "How could you . . . ?" are the toughest questions to answer. There are a myriad of truthful answers, and I don't think any answer will ever completely satisfy a BS (at least not my BS) because one can always say, "There are lots of other people who [fill in the blank] who haven't had an affair."

Of the many truthful answers, I think the most useful ones are those that help you identify things you can do to avoid another affair. Answers that point to your feelings are, in my opinion, useful, but only to the extent they can help you recognize times that you are particularly vulnerable so you can shore up your defenses, make your walls higher and stronger. Because whatever you feelings you've had in the past, you'll almost certainly have again. I know that many people find it useful to identify things about their families of origin that made them more likely to cheat, but I haven't. Maybe my resistance to intimacy can be traced to my father, but so what? Knowing that doesn't help me overcome that resistance.

All that said, some of my "why's" are: 1. I was being selfish, and it's important to know that I can, indeed, be very selfish. 2. I have a strong need for approval of others. 3. I didn't recognize the difference between love and the feelings I had toward my AP.

BTW, it was helpful for me to find a label -- limerence -- to attach to my feelings toward my AP during the affair, but just having that label is not enough. I have to remember what it felt like, be aware that the it's a very powerful feeling that, when acted on, can lead to betrayal of not only my wife but also of who I really am. When I feel it again, I intend to remind myself that it's based in falsehoods that I tell myself, that it's an illusion, that it's temporary, that it's not authentic. Note, however, that when I started reading about limerence, recognized that other people had exactly the same feelings I had, and learned that there's a word for it, I was excited because it seemed like an important insight. I was eager to tell my wife about it, thinking that it would help satisfy her need to know "why?" It didn't. Not in the least. Even so, it's still useful to me.


Resolute Husband

Posts: 38 | Registered: Jun 2013
notanavrageangel
♀ Member
Member # 44154
Default  Posted: 4:19 PM, July 30th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

intothelight - i just wanted to say thanks for your post. My WH has a lot of FOO issues and self-esteem issues. His "why" was that he felt like he was failing at everything and initially wanted to meet people/women who didn't know anything about him to have sexual conversations which then lead to his A. He met one woman a handful of times, had sex once on the last meeting and then suddenly started thinking about what he had done and feeling regret/remorse. He broke down on DDAY in a way I have never seen before, he never has cried around me except our wedding day. I also have sympathy for him like your BH does for you and can kind of "understand" though it doesn't keep me from fearing it won't happen again. I am glad to see in a way, a WS perspective who is in a similar place emotionally as my WH.


Me: BW, 28
Him: WH, 28
DDAY 7/4/14 TT till 7/18/14

"Reconciliation means working together to correct the legacy of past injustice." - Nelson Mandela


Posts: 249 | Registered: Jul 2014
Topic Posts: 18

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