She started seeing this BF about 2 months before the A ended. A few weeks after the A ended they made it "official" on FB. Yes i look.
A part of me thinks this man should know what kind of person he is involved with. For a while she was bringing him out to see my H band play, with the BF having no idea of the past relationship. He doesn't know she was seeing my H at the same time as him. And there is another man we know that she chased relentlessly despite him telling her no and that he had a GF.
But if I'm honest with myself i just want to tell him because what right does she have to be happy? Why does she get to waltz in, destroy my happiness and move on without any cconsequences? My WH says i can do whatever i feel i need to but points out that she has now been leaving us alone, not coming to where we are anymore because he did find out about yet another man.
So that is my dilemma. Do i send him a message knowing my main motivation is really to mess up her life but also feeling like he has a right to know who he is dating? Or do i leave italone and be grateful he is keeping her out of our lives for the moment?
The information I gave him saved him from making a very costly and potentially disastrous personal decision. It enabled him to decide whether he wanted to end his relationship with her, which he did, and now he can face the rest of his life without her pulling him down. (I am reading that back to myself now in the voice of someone who is my friend and wants to know why I don't deserve that same power. I do, and I am exercising it.)
I didn't do it to make her life miserable; despite everything, I wish her well, in memory of the friendship I thought we had but never did. I also did it because it sometimes helps bring about the end of the A. It hasn't (yet) in my case, but I had to try.
Are you in IC? That might be something to discuss with him or her, but of course, you are the only one who gets to decide whether you tell him or not. Best of luck.
I'm with NoDoormat. She was screwing your WH while she was having a relationship with her BF. Were I he, I would want to know, if only to make sure that she hadn't given me an STD. Tell him.
D-Day, June 10, 2012
Whether you want to see her miserable or heartbroken or all alone and an old spinster really has nothing to do with the fact that he deserves to know the truth.
In other words, your intentions for telling him doesn't make the information any less important to him.
Just try to be compassionate when you do tell him, because he's going to be hurt and devastated just like you were when you heard the news. But do yourself a favor and DON'T tell your H before you do it - just do it. WH's often lie and claim that their OW's boyfriend/husband is 'abusive' and that you'll be unleashing possible physical harm on her if you let the cat out of the bag and and blah blah blah.
99.99998% of the time that's just another lie they tell you to save their OW's ass. If that ridiculous statement were actually true, then the OW would have never DREAMED of stepping out on her oh-so-abusive husband because she would have been too PETRIFIED of the consequences if he found out. So that whole nonsense statement doesn't even hold water.
Secondly, another reason not to tell your H before you do it is that he might very well warn her what's coming - and that will give her enough time to tell her BF all about the "crazy stalker wife of the guy in the band whose so crazy she thinks I had an affair with her husband so don't believe her if she says anything to you." And yes, that's happened many times when a BW told her H she was going to inform the other BS.
So don't shoot yourself in the foot by telling your H. You want her to pay the price for what she did? Then DON'T tell your H before you do it and DO tell the betrayed BF right away. It's the kindest thing you can do for him.
[This message edited by NeverAgain2013 at 2:10 PM, May 26th (Monday)]
If everyone in the world was appalled by the notion of a woman having an affair with a married man, then there might be some justification. But what is the likely reaction in this case? The BF tells his GF that you contacted him and ratted her out. She says, "Yeah, I made some mistakes and showed poor judgement, but then I met you and it ended."
The BF obviously doesn't think his GF was a virgin when they met. Lots of guys start dating women who are seeing someone else at the time and a married guy is no safer or riskier then any other guy she may have been sleeping with. Plus, he thinks he is the winner because she chose him.
So nothing you tell him is going to radically change his opinion of her. So far as we know, she has not broken any vows she made to him. From his perspective, the so-called "risky" behavior is water under the bridge at this point. For BS, 6 months is a snap of the fingers. For a new couple, 6 months is an anniversary and your story might as well have happened 5 years ago. Many guys would not kick a woman out of bed for technically violating the statute of limitations.
[This message edited by LeopoldB at 6:06 PM, May 26th (Monday)]
Whatever doesn't kill you...doesn't kill you.