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User Topic: should I?
Christy516
♀ Member
Member # 42546
Default  Posted: 12:29 PM, May 26th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I am thinking of sending a message to OW BF telling him of the A as well as other info about OW he doesn't know about.

She started seeing this BF about 2 months before the A ended. A few weeks after the A ended they made it "official" on FB. Yes i look.

A part of me thinks this man should know what kind of person he is involved with. For a while she was bringing him out to see my H band play, with the BF having no idea of the past relationship. He doesn't know she was seeing my H at the same time as him. And there is another man we know that she chased relentlessly despite him telling her no and that he had a GF.

But if I'm honest with myself i just want to tell him because what right does she have to be happy? Why does she get to waltz in, destroy my happiness and move on without any cconsequences? My WH says i can do whatever i feel i need to but points out that she has now been leaving us alone, not coming to where we are anymore because he did find out about yet another man.

So that is my dilemma. Do i send him a message knowing my main motivation is really to mess up her life but also feeling like he has a right to know who he is dating? Or do i leave italone and be grateful he is keeping her out of our lives for the moment?


Me: 44
Him: 39
DD: 1/5/14 (the final one)
Trying to recover

Posts: 110 | Registered: Feb 2014
NoDoormat
♀ Member
Member # 43529
Default  Posted: 12:37 PM, May 26th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Last night, I told my WH's OW's long-distance boyfriend about their A, which is ongoing.

The information I gave him saved him from making a very costly and potentially disastrous personal decision. It enabled him to decide whether he wanted to end his relationship with her, which he did, and now he can face the rest of his life without her pulling him down. (I am reading that back to myself now in the voice of someone who is my friend and wants to know why I don't deserve that same power. I do, and I am exercising it.)

I didn't do it to make her life miserable; despite everything, I wish her well, in memory of the friendship I thought we had but never did. I also did it because it sometimes helps bring about the end of the A. It hasn't (yet) in my case, but I had to try.

Are you in IC? That might be something to discuss with him or her, but of course, you are the only one who gets to decide whether you tell him or not. Best of luck.


Me: MH 38, Him: MH 40
MC, IC, In-house separation, ongoing EA, now in 180. The bakery is CLOSED.

Posts: 81 | Registered: May 2014
Skan
♀ Member
Member # 35812
Default  Posted: 1:29 PM, May 26th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Perhaps making her life miserable is just a side benefit to telling. I'm only sorta kidding.

I'm with NoDoormat. She was screwing your WH while she was having a relationship with her BF. Were I he, I would want to know, if only to make sure that she hadn't given me an STD. Tell him.


Imagine a ship trying to set sail while towing an anchor. Cutting free is not a gift to the anchor. You must release that burden, not because the anchor is worthy, but because the ship is.

D-Day, June 10, 2012



Posts: 4727 | Registered: Jun 2012 | From: So California
NeverAgain2013
♀ Member
Member # 38121
Default  Posted: 2:05 PM, May 26th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Honestly Christy, your intentions for WHY you tell the betrayed BF really don't mean squat in the end.

Whether you want to see her miserable or heartbroken or all alone and an old spinster really has nothing to do with the fact that he deserves to know the truth.

In other words, your intentions for telling him doesn't make the information any less important to him.

Just try to be compassionate when you do tell him, because he's going to be hurt and devastated just like you were when you heard the news. But do yourself a favor and DON'T tell your H before you do it - just do it. WH's often lie and claim that their OW's boyfriend/husband is 'abusive' and that you'll be unleashing possible physical harm on her if you let the cat out of the bag and and blah blah blah.

99.99998% of the time that's just another lie they tell you to save their OW's ass. If that ridiculous statement were actually true, then the OW would have never DREAMED of stepping out on her oh-so-abusive husband because she would have been too PETRIFIED of the consequences if he found out. So that whole nonsense statement doesn't even hold water.

Secondly, another reason not to tell your H before you do it is that he might very well warn her what's coming - and that will give her enough time to tell her BF all about the "crazy stalker wife of the guy in the band whose so crazy she thinks I had an affair with her husband so don't believe her if she says anything to you." And yes, that's happened many times when a BW told her H she was going to inform the other BS.

So don't shoot yourself in the foot by telling your H. You want her to pay the price for what she did? Then DON'T tell your H before you do it and DO tell the betrayed BF right away. It's the kindest thing you can do for him.

Good luck.


.

[This message edited by NeverAgain2013 at 2:10 PM, May 26th (Monday)]


Be careful - that 'knight in shining armor' may very well be nothing more than an assclown wrapped in tin foil.
ME: 50+ years old and cute as a button :-)
Ex-WBF: Just a lying, cheating, gravy-sucking pig - and I left him in 2012.

Posts: 1717 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: USA
Christy516
♀ Member
Member # 42546
Default  Posted: 2:26 PM, May 26th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I thought it made difference that she started seeing him while she was still in the A with my WH? In other words, the affair started December 2012 and ended January 2014. She began dating the BF in November 2013 and officially declared "in a relationship" a few weeks after A ended. That is why i was looking at it not necessarily that she cheated on him but that he should know what kind of person she is. I think I'm hearing you guys say he is a BS as well and deserves to know? Because that i can do without any guilty feelings re: my motive. I wasn't looking at him as a BS.


Me: 44
Him: 39
DD: 1/5/14 (the final one)
Trying to recover

Posts: 110 | Registered: Feb 2014
LAFA
♂ Member
Member # 31868
Default  Posted: 2:37 PM, May 26th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

He is a BS, and needs to be aware of the possibility that her actions are possibly affecting his life and health. Letting him know in a compassionate manner is one of the kindest things you can do for him. In the end, she doesn't really matter at all to you or your relationship as long as the A that relates to you is over. Give him the same kindness you would hope for from him, and mentally consign her to her sewer of origin.


When you put someone on a pedestal, they quickly learn two things. The view is mighty good from up there, and it is a fine vantage from which to kick.

Posts: 183 | Registered: Apr 2011 | From: Hawaii
LeopoldB
♂ Member
Member # 40606
Default  Posted: 6:04 PM, May 26th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

In my opinion, you should not contact the FOW's BF.

If everyone in the world was appalled by the notion of a woman having an affair with a married man, then there might be some justification. But what is the likely reaction in this case? The BF tells his GF that you contacted him and ratted her out. She says, "Yeah, I made some mistakes and showed poor judgement, but then I met you and it ended."

The BF obviously doesn't think his GF was a virgin when they met. Lots of guys start dating women who are seeing someone else at the time and a married guy is no safer or riskier then any other guy she may have been sleeping with. Plus, he thinks he is the winner because she chose him.

So nothing you tell him is going to radically change his opinion of her. So far as we know, she has not broken any vows she made to him. From his perspective, the so-called "risky" behavior is water under the bridge at this point. For BS, 6 months is a snap of the fingers. For a new couple, 6 months is an anniversary and your story might as well have happened 5 years ago. Many guys would not kick a woman out of bed for technically violating the statute of limitations.

[This message edited by LeopoldB at 6:06 PM, May 26th (Monday)]


Posts: 196 | Registered: Sep 2013
Ostrich80
Member
Member # 34827
Default  Posted: 2:59 AM, May 27th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I think Leopold made a good point. The time frame does make it where she can say, yes the mm seduced me and I made a horrible mistake, then I FOUND YOU and ended it. I don't think its wrong to tell him, I just don't think it will make much difference between them but hey if it makes you feel better than do it...maybe he will kick her to the curb or at least cause him to be on guard


BS..me
WS..him
Been with him over half my life
4kid
DD1 10-01-09 DD2 02-12-12 discovered it never ended
OW..nothing special. Just your average skank
Status..#$%@????

Posts: 4932 | Registered: Feb 2012 | From: midwest
BrokenheartedUK
♀ Member
Member # 43520
Default  Posted: 3:05 AM, May 27th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Go right ahead. But prepare yourself for it not being as satisfying as you hope.


Dday: 4th of January, 2014
WH 50
BS 49
18 years of marriage...three children
One affair PA/EA

Whatever doesn't kill you...doesn't kill you.


Posts: 146 | Registered: May 2014
Topic Posts: 9

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