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User Topic: So Lost...Please help me
4everfaithful83
♀ Member
Member # 41761
Concerned  Posted: 11:21 AM, May 26th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Warning: RANT

Uggg! Firstly, I'm sorry for this post. I guarantee it to be all over the place! I am really happy I have SI to share these thoughts with. Don't know where I'd be without you guys.


Secondly - Memorial Day is the day (one year ago) that my WBF had his first (and only) sexual experience (but not sex) with the OW. Question - Last years Memorial Day was on the 27th. My emotions are on high edge and I'm really not sure if today is "the day" or is it tomorrow? Anyone help with that? WBF also is not really acknowledging this day. I don't know what I was expecting...something extra to show he's sorry...I dunno. But I didn't get it...

And Thirdly - I'm hoping this is just because of my emotions about today (tomorrow?) and because my DDAY antiversary is coming up...but I'm having some MAJOR doubts about being with my WBF.

We have done some really good work in the last 5-6 months of R and we just got back from an amazing vacation. I've been feeling a lot better the last couple months, but now all the sudden I'm flooded with what must be regret?

I find myself thinking :

"What are you doing? Why are you staying with this man?"

I find myself feeling angry and wanting to just pack up and leave. I sometimes wish I could go back to DDAY and have a conversation with myself.

Tell myself : Just leave now. It's not worth it. All the pain you will feel, the doubt, the never knowing, all of it.

If I had left on DDAY I would be nearly a year out and who knows where my life would have taken me. For better or for worse...I am not sure. But there must be better than this??

It saddens me deeply. I don't know if I'm staying for the right reasons. I've been with him for 7 1/2 years...we live together (in a house he bought 2 1/2 years ago), we have an awesome dog, My whole life is wrapped up in this man.

I feel jaded now. I never want to love in that way again. I hate him for making me feel that way!! For taking away that feeling of "through thick and thin"

I am a person who's all in. All or nothing. It's one of my best attributes, or greatest flaws...I'm not sure. But when I love someone, I love them. I'm all in.

I haven't felt this way in a long time, so the only thing I can think of is that it must be because of memorial day triggers and my DDAY antiversary fast approaching. Is this normal??

Sorry for the long post. Just feeling at my utter worst today...

Side note : I hope I don't offend anyone with my posting about Memorial Day. I realize the importance of this holiday, and I in now way mean to demean it by making it seem like my plight is more important than the lives of our service men and woman who have given so much. Thank you all for what you've given.


Always know if the juice is worth the squeeze...

ME: 31
WBF: 27
Together 7 years
1 doggie
DDay: June 24, 2013
IN R...


Posts: 565 | Registered: Dec 2013 | From: Pennsylvania
ButterflyGirl
♀ Member
Member # 38377
Default  Posted: 11:38 AM, May 26th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You should hear what some people say about Christmas, lol.

It's totally normal to trigger, even for days and weeks leading up to and after these horrible annual reminders..

I could only suggest to step back and work on you. Forgetting him for a second, are you happy with where your life is? Do you wish it was different? How? And what can you do to get there?

Hugs to you!

[This message edited by ButterflyGirl at 11:51 AM, May 26th (Monday)]


xBW~ 35
Two DS~ 7-Eleven
"I've wiped the shit off. It can be wiped off you know." ~ asurvivor

Posts: 2336 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: Florida, USA
sunvalley
♀ Member
Member # 42952
Default  Posted: 12:04 PM, May 26th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I am sorry you are feeling this way, it's a hard process. I'm only 10m in and I feel the strain of knowing Dday is fast approaching. I found out in the middle of the night, on a full moon and I have 2 Ddays in my mind too (ie the night I found out, was it the 21 or 22nd because of the time of day?). The bottom line is both days may be painful for you. Memorial Day and the actual date may both make you hurt, there is no right or wrong there IMO. What matters is that you take care of yourself when you're feeling down and that hopefully he supports you and understands why you're hurting right now.

I am feeling a ton of doubts too, and I do believe that's normal because I am going against everything I swore I would do if someone ever cheated on me...it's hard to feel confident in your decisions when you're still focused on past actions instead of current ones. I am ok with having doubts right now because I know that it is my self esteem trying to rebuild and focus on ME. I believed prior to this that I would never stay with someone who cheated and yet here I am still. How can you not doubt yourself when you go against the beliefs you built in your life? How can you not doubt yourself when their past actions were selfish and disrespectful of you? I feel it would be a concern if I didn't have doubts about my choices, because it would show I was willing to accept less than I deserve in life and would likely repeat the cycle if he did this again...I don't want to be like that. I think it's natural that you have doubts as well, because it shows that you are fighting for the respect and commitment you deserve...it's hard to stick it out and go through the pain, but for me personally I don't believe that leaving would have 'fixed' anything for me and my grieving process. It has helped me to have him here, remorseful and helpful for me. I don't know how I would have coped if I went at it alone and felt he didn't feel remorse. That's not to say that leaving isn't an option for you, each person has to make their own choices, but you sound in a similar place to me in the doubts so I thought I would just mention how I process it in my situation.

If we end up together in the end it will be because we both did our work, and if not then that's ok too but it will be clear to me when I reach that decision, I don't want to act out of temporary emotions that may change. As I put it to my H I feel like if I did good things and was a good wife, then I felt I had some control in my life and this would never happen to me. It's a hard pill to swallow to realize that we really cannot control anything by being all in or doing good things. I wish it were that simple, but this truly was the WS issue, not ours and there was nothing we could have done differently to prevent their choices.


Dday July 2013
Me: BW mid 30s
Him: WH mid 30s
4PAs, multiple online As

Posts: 671 | Registered: Mar 2014
Sadmumma
♀ Member
Member # 42192
Default  Posted: 12:18 PM, May 26th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

4everfaithful....

Sorry this is such a triggery time for you.

Would it be worth trying to establish yourself as a more Independant person within the relationship? All or nothing is an amazing way to be, but not when it's at the expense of yourself.

I hear you.


On any given day you have the power to say "my story is not going to end like this"
Me 41 BS
Him 41 WH
6 kids...7 weeks, 5,7,9,11&13
D day jan 29th 2014

Posts: 536 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: Land down under
DTERMINED2SURVIV
♀ Member
Member # 42294
Default  Posted: 8:04 PM, May 26th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I would say its definitely normal. I wouldnt completely dismiss the feelings because it is possible you may be tired of trying. More then likely though its just a phase of emotions your going through. Just take some time for yourself and do things to make yourself happy.

Hope you have a better day, im sorry your feeling like this.




Posts: 271 | Registered: Feb 2014 | From: Where theres lots of southern HOEspitality
Ostrich80
Member
Member # 34827
Default  Posted: 3:43 AM, May 27th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You said you had an amazing vacay and have been doing better in the past few months so maybe its the time of year that's making you question your R. I get really weepy around Oct, DD for me. I use to love fall, it was my fave season until he ruined it. I hope you feel more optimistic after the holiday.


BS..me
WS..him
Been with him over half my life
4kid
DD1 10-01-09 DD2 02-12-12 discovered it never ended
OW..nothing special. Just your average skank
Status..#$%@????

Posts: 5141 | Registered: Feb 2012 | From: midwest
OnAnIsland
♀ Member
Member # 34319
Default  Posted: 3:52 AM, May 27th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Everything you are saying sounds like it absolutely normal for the first A season after d day and the approach of d day. At over 2 years out from the first d day, I know my feelings aren't quite as strong, but that I still may trigger during significant dates around A season.

My whole life is wrapped up in this man.

I echo the call from other respondents that you should try to set yourself up more independently in this relationship- be a little less wrapped up in this man (your language, not mine). Figure out what you want to do, see, be in this life. And figure out if you want him in it.

It might be hard at first, but you can have a wonderful and full life without your WBF.

take care of yourself. listen to yourself.


D-day: Christmas 2011
D-day 2: 3/28/2013

Married for over 15 years
2 beautiful boys in elementary school

You may not control all the events that happen to you, but you can decide not to be reduced by them. Maya Angelou


Posts: 1479 | Registered: Dec 2011
4everfaithful83
♀ Member
Member # 41761
Default  Posted: 7:29 AM, May 27th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks for the responses guys

I think Sunvalley really hit it the nail on the head!

I never thought of it that way...but no wonder I have doubts. No wonder I feel lost. Staying with my WBF DOES go against everything I stood for before DDAY (and still stand for, obviously).


if I did good things and was a good wife, then I felt I had some control in my life and this would never happen to me. It's a hard pill to swallow to realize that we really cannot control anything by being all in or doing good things. I wish it were that simple, but this truly was the WS issue, not ours and there was nothing we could have done differently to prevent their choices.

OUCH! And yes...100% yes. Exactly how I feel. It's really scary to realize that you can do everything right (in your eyes) and be the best person you can be, and at the end of the day, none of it matters. You can't control someone else's actions. I think I've always known that, but I never had it blown up in my face like this before.


I agree with all of you that I should work on myself and I understand that.

It is really hard though. That also feels like going against everything I stand for. Like I said - I love the way I love. I don't feel like I should have to change who I am to make my relationship better. I think the way I love is one of the best things about me. I'm trusting (or was) I support my WBF, I give him the space he needs.

I'm OK with him taking trips alone. He's an adventurer, and I can't always keep up with his crazy trips, like motorcycle trips across the country. Have you ever been on a motorcycle for more than a couple hours? It hurts your ass like hell!! LOL But we take plenty of trips together.

I'm not controlling, I cook, I clean, I listen. I support. I'm in no way perfect, but I love him, and with that love comes a sense to protect him and make him as happy as I can.

Anyways...I could go on and on...but I think you all get my point. I LIKE THE WAY I LOVE. If I have to love someone at a distance...with my heart wrapped in a metal box to deflect any shrapnel that may come flying at it...then I don't want that.

Detaching from my WBF and becoming more independent just sounds like letting go. Giving up. (it's not like I don't have my own life now, because I do) Maybe there's something wrong with thinking that way. But geez...I'm 31 years old. How do I break that? LOL seems kinda impossible...

Thanks for listening.

On a side note -

Yesterday went well. We ended up meeting up with some friends and taking our jet ski's out on the river. It was an amazing 84 degrees and the sun was shining! We even brought our dog with us! (He loves the jet ski!) I only had one time where I really got sad. I looked at the time and realized that one year ago, at that very moment, my WBF was with the OW. I turned and mentioned it to my WBF. He held me tight and whispered in my ear :

I'm sorry. I'm hear with you now. I want to make new memories with you. I love you.

I am really glad that I made it through this holiday. Even though my WBF's texting relationship with the OW continued until DDAY (June 24th) he did not see the OW after Memorial Day. I don't know why, but I find It easier knowing that at least they weren't seeing each other during this time (one year ago).

Your guys comments really lifted my spirits and helped me feel not so alone. I can't even tell you what the means to me. Thank you.


Always know if the juice is worth the squeeze...

ME: 31
WBF: 27
Together 7 years
1 doggie
DDay: June 24, 2013
IN R...


Posts: 565 | Registered: Dec 2013 | From: Pennsylvania
Topic Posts: 8

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