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User Topic: Hoovering Cake
justinpaintoday
♂ Member
Member # 42858
Default  Posted: 12:28 PM, May 25th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Wow just got tears in my eyes for the first time in a couple weeks. Currently going through a divorce however my wife is still living in the home for another six weeks. For the most part we been very amicable and almost friendly at times.

It was my challenge today that I could use some support. Wife asked me to get ice cream yesterday I said I already gotten some. Today she invited me to go see her apartment that she's going to move into on the outside. I told r i had already seen it with our ypungest child. I then was going to leave the house and go read a book. My wayward wife got upset and said "you said we could be friends after this but you're not being friends with me. ".

Here's where i started to get choked up. I told my wife that I was doing my best to be amicable and kind however I was still very frail. I told her that I was so madly in love with her before the A and D that it was going to take me time to heal. She told me I didn't understand her feelings and that I was being selfish and mean for not wanting to hang out with her. She said she wasn't going to make any more efforts to be my friend.

To me this is classic Hoovering and cake eating. My wife expects for me to be completely over her because it appear she obviously is over me. She expects we will be best friends like we used to be and everything will be water under the bridge. In my eyes it doesn't work this way I'm still raw and healing. I am getting stronger however until she moves out in six weeks I have not been able to fully detach. After she has left and I've had time to be by myself and stand on my own 2 feet I feel I will then be in a better position to determine what level of friendship I want to have with her. Reality tells me that I would probably not choose to be with someone who lies to me for an entire year cheats on me multiple times and causes me this much heartache. That would be a pretty shitty friend My head is in the right place my heart is getting there it's getting closer every single day.

Any advice or words of wisdom would be greatly appreciated


I never realized you could be in this much pain and not be dying.

Posts: 700 | Registered: Mar 2014
mchercheur
♀ Member
Member # 37735
Default  Posted: 12:53 PM, May 25th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((justinpaintoday)))

I am so sorry that you find yourself in this painful situation.
You are exactly correct: she is hoovering & wants to continue eating cake.

She told me I didn't understand her feelings and that I was being selfish and mean for not wanting to hang out with her.

She is also blameshifting^^^^^^. Making everything your fault.

If I were you, I would really really distance myself from her as much as possible. She is toxic. She has stuck a knife in your gut & is twisting the blade, & wants to know why you are not smiling.

I told my wife that I was doing my best to be amicable and kind

^^^^^That is not the same thing as being best friends.
Best friends do not betray each other.

My wayward wife got upset and said "you said we could be friends after this but you're not being friends with me. ".

At this point I would aim for coparenting without hostility.

The only interaction I would have with her from now on would be re: finances & kids.

Sending you strength.


Me: BW
Him: WH --Had 7 mo. PA with COW;
Married 20something years with kids
Trying to R

Posts: 1445 | Registered: Dec 2012
Dreamboat
♀ Member
Member # 10506
Default  Posted: 12:57 PM, May 25th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You need to start employing the 180 with a goal to NC. You will not be able to heal if you are hanging out with her and being "friends". She betrayed you, she is not your friend. I understand that you are trying to be amicable while still in the same house because you do not want your kids to live in a war zone. But amicable does not mean "hanging out".

Here is the link to 180: http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/faq_bs.asp#FAQ11

I wish you peace thru the hell knows as "in house separation"


And it's hard to dance with a devil on your back
So shake him off
-- Shake It Out, Florence And The Machine

Posts: 17695 | Registered: Apr 2006 | From: A better place :)
angerisme
♀ Member
Member # 37672
Default  Posted: 1:02 PM, May 25th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Wow she sounds like a real peach...a ROTTEN peach. Please protect yourself from her sick manipulation. Of course you will NOT be her friend...has she acted as a friend to you? I'm begging you to stay clear of her. She is TOXIC TOXIC TOXIC.

Posts: 174 | Registered: Dec 2012
justinpaintoday
♂ Member
Member # 42858
Default  Posted: 1:09 PM, May 25th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank you everyone is always your words of wisdom are right to the point and very very helpful. I have certainly struggled with the catching when she is in my house all the time. I will have to do my best to detaching the best way possible until she moves out in six weeks. I have to keep things pleasant because my youngest child really is struggling with the whole process and is becoming a casualty of the divorce. In that situation my own needs to not matter I have to protect my child. But I certainly agree that I can do better than I am today I think I chose properly by not hanging out with her I probably should not of given the explanation I gave just continue to go on with life. I believe you're all correct she is toxic and she is not my friend. Thank you


I never realized you could be in this much pain and not be dying.

Posts: 700 | Registered: Mar 2014
Skan
♀ Member
Member # 35812
Default  Posted: 2:47 PM, May 25th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

180 her. Discussions about your child and about finances and nothing else. If you think that it will do ANY good at all, you might try scheduling a talk with her while your child isn't around and telling her that while you want to have a good co-parenting relationship for the sake of your child, friends do not fuck over friends, and that the best she can expect from you is distant pleasantness, so can the "friends" speeches and concentrate on making this time as pain-free for your child as possible.

Or just let your turned back do the speaking.


Imagine a ship trying to set sail while towing an anchor. Cutting free is not a gift to the anchor. You must release that burden, not because the anchor is worthy, but because the ship is.

D-Day, June 10, 2012



Posts: 5088 | Registered: Jun 2012 | From: So California
sisoon
♂ Member
Member # 31240
Default  Posted: 3:29 PM, May 25th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

In that situation my own needs to not matter I have to protect my child.

Your needs always matter - you can't protect your child unless you feel some strength, and you can't feel strength unless your needs are somehow getting met. Self-soothing can do wonders....

Are you in IC? Do you have non-IC IRL support?

It would be best if you could with someone face-to-face to strategize how to deal with your STBXW. It's very possible that you're just taking too much shit from her, and the best thing for your child is to see you change so you can help bring your W back into reality.

Only someone not in touch with reality can betray a someone and expect that someone to be their best friend again. I think you may be accepting her reality, and that's awful for you and your child - but that's my gut reaction. I don't know your actual sitch ... which brings me back to your ORL support.


fBH (me) - 70 (22 in my head), fWW (plainsong) - 65+, Married 45+, together since 1965
DDay - 12/2010
Recovered, not yet fully R'ed
I share my own experience because it's the only experience I know, not because I'm a good model.

Posts: 10570 | Registered: Feb 2011 | From: Chicago area
justinpaintoday
♂ Member
Member # 42858
Default  Posted: 3:39 PM, May 25th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank you. I am kn IC and we r working on detachment and the friend thing. U r correct on my needs and is my codependancy popping out. Working on that too


I never realized you could be in this much pain and not be dying.

Posts: 700 | Registered: Mar 2014
LeftOutintheCold
♀ Member
Member # 42856
Default  Posted: 6:28 PM, May 25th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It's okay - you'll have some bad moments while still in house with her. Your heart is still raw. I understand the need for peace for your child's sake, but you don't owe your WW anything!!!! You can't be "friends" with someone like that. ((HUGS))


Me - 42
WH - 40
Dday - 3/6/14
Married 5yrs, together 11yrs
Status - Headed towards Divorce

Posts: 332 | Registered: Mar 2014
Positiveways1212
New Member
Member # 42913
Default  Posted: 7:43 PM, May 25th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

justinpaintoday, you got some good advice from the posts I've read. Just want to say good luck, you can do it. A few more weeks and she will be out of the house. Keep your energy focused on your own dreams.

Posts: 24 | Registered: Mar 2014
SeanFLA
♂ Member
Member # 32380
Default  Posted: 8:33 PM, May 25th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

She told me I didn't understand her feelings and that I was being selfish and mean for not wanting to hang out with her. She said she wasn't going to make any more efforts to be my friend.

Honestly friend...you need to get your voice here and tell her to go fuck herself. This isn't blameshifting as much as its still her selfishness coming out. It's still all about her.

I could not imagine being friends with someone so self absorbed. Yeah...her feelings. Seriously, stop trying to be so nice. She didn't care about your feelings when she cheated.


BS(me) 48
WW 46
1 son 14 yrs old
Married 18 yrs, together 21 yrs

"You never know how strong you are until being strong is the only choice you have." ~ Bob Marley


Posts: 1472 | Registered: Jun 2011 | From: Zombie Land
justinpaintoday
♂ Member
Member # 42858
Default  Posted: 9:50 PM, May 25th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Sean: You are correct as always....You have coached me for a few months and I appreciate your candor. I am still a doormat. It's a 3 part saga...1. Codependant doormat 2. Keep peace til she moves for kids 3. D process going very amicably, she has not asked for financial blood (yet)....

No excuses though, I confess I haven't found my balls with her yet


I never realized you could be in this much pain and not be dying.

Posts: 700 | Registered: Mar 2014
SisterMilkshake
♀ Member
Member # 30024
Default  Posted: 9:58 PM, May 25th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Yeah, FTB!!!!! Sean is so right. I want to put my bitch boots on and stomp on her toes for you.

((((justinpaintoday))))


BW (me) 50ish FWH 50ish
Married 34 years, 3 children
d-day 3/10 LTA (4 yrs./fucking & flirting)

"Oh, why do my actions have consequences?" ~ Homer Simpson
"She knew my one weakness: That I'm weak!" ~ Homer Simpson


Posts: 9952 | Registered: Nov 2010 | From: The Great White North USA
K Phantom
♂ Member
Member # 14105
Default  Posted: 10:09 PM, May 25th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Truth be told i am not "friends" with my x. I don't have any kids with her so that may factor in however i never see nor talk to her anymore unless it's a funeral.

Yeah don't let her walk all over you anymore. She has no right after what she did.


Me BS
Her WS
Kids 0
Married 15 yrs 02/14/1993
DD#1 3/29/06
DD#2 6/23/07
D 4/15/2008

Posts: 515 | Registered: Mar 2007 | From: USA PA
Ostrich80
Member
Member # 34827
Default  Posted: 3:35 AM, May 26th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

So she stomps the shit out of your heart than blames you for not wanting to hang out with her? DETACH..save yourself from any more pain from her. She sounds extremely self centered.


BS..me
WS..him
Been with him over half my life
4kid
DD1 10-01-09 DD2 02-12-12 discovered it never ended
OW..nothing special. Just your average skank
Status..#$%@????

Posts: 5238 | Registered: Feb 2012 | From: midwest
NeverAgain2013
♀ Member
Member # 38121
Default  Posted: 4:38 AM, May 26th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Understood that you want to 'keep the peace' in the house while she's still there.

However, you don't do that by crying and fawning all over her and telling her about being 'madly in love with her' and all that nonsense.

Women don't respect weak, clingy men. They just don't. Find your pride, man up, and start taking control of the situation. And by taking control, I mean stop crying, begging, telling her how much you love her, telling her you're in 'pain,' and all that crap.

Seriously. Stop it.


Be careful - that 'knight in shining armor' may very well be nothing more than an assclown wrapped in tin foil.
ME: 50+ years old and cute as a button :-)
Ex-WBF: Just a lying, cheating, gravy-sucking pig - and I left him in 2012.

Posts: 1891 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: USA
Topic Posts: 16

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