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Newest Member: whathappensnext (45075)

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User Topic: Does loyalty always mean being burned?
9years
♀ Member
Member # 21212
Default  Posted: 12:11 PM, May 24th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I've been thinking about this a lot lately, most people I was loyal to have sscrewed me over in some fashion, well, maybe not screwed me over, but something similar to disappointment. I love trusting people, and stupidly I am fiercely loyal and they all get a second chance and a third and a forth, and so on. Maybe I'm just not that good at picking them, or else I have these standards that they aren't aware of. Either way, I love who I am and have no plan to change, I am loyal, but I also have strict morals, so shit should work itself out right? Right. Sorry for the babble just needed to write it out..


Just say yes to the rest

Posts: 1929 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: BC, Canada
Skan
♀ Member
Member # 35812
Default  Posted: 12:30 PM, May 24th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hey, that's what we're here for! To listen to you, and let you have a chance to talk it out/write it out!

Why do YOU think that you get screwed by your friends/acquaintances? Do you pick the needy out of empathy? Do you fail to set boundaries? Do you forgive too fast and/or too easily? What do you think?


Imagine a ship trying to set sail while towing an anchor. Cutting free is not a gift to the anchor. You must release that burden, not because the anchor is worthy, but because the ship is.

D-Day, June 10, 2012



Posts: 4857 | Registered: Jun 2012 | From: So California
StillLivin
♀ Member
Member # 40229
Default  Posted: 1:08 PM, May 24th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

There is loyalty and then there is laying down and volunteering to be someone's victim.
I am extremely loyal. Would take a bullet for someone I care for, but I learned at an early age, that some folks will burn you.
Now, I don't give my care and loyalty until a person has withstood the test of time.
I watch people. I watch their actions. I see if they are decent to others. I see if they love themselves.
Are they treating me with the same respect I am giving them? Are they honorable? Do they show respect for their elders, their children, their relatives, their spouses, their friends?
Are they kind to strangers when others aren't around to see their actions and give them kudo points.
I have to admit, only my STBX showed me the amount of disrespect. My true friends rallied around the campfires and protected me and had my back.
A few folks, I had already started suspecting, didn't have my back (2). I didn't lament their lack of loyalty, but looked at it as a blessing that they too showed me who they really were and freed me from anything I thought I owed them.
If you find yourself in a relationship with someone (doesn't have to be intimate partner) that treats you in a way that you would never treat them, it's time to pick your dignity up by the shirttail, turn around, and walk away.
(((9years)))


I don't need further confirmation of what a fuckwit he is. I already have plenty, thanks very much. -SBB
D: 7/2/2014

Posts: 2263 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: AZ
9years
♀ Member
Member # 21212
Default  Posted: 4:45 PM, May 24th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hmm good questions, I feel like some of it is boundaries/loyalty conflict issues, if that makes sense. For example, a friend of mine jumped into a new relationship days after the end of a 5 year one, moral boundaries tell me it's all kinds of wrong, realistically anything I say or think about it is nothing but an opinion, loyalty tells me she trusts me and I should just try to be happy for her, she is already aware of my opinion on that sort of thing so I know it was hard for her to tell me, but she did. I think being totally realistic a part of me expects the people closest to me to share more of my moral views, but the other part of me knows that everyone has their limitations, and that I need to be more accepting of their limits.


Just say yes to the rest

Posts: 1929 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: BC, Canada
RightTrack
♀ Member
Member # 36976
Default  Posted: 5:28 PM, May 24th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I am a responsible person. I have a strong personality. I have noticed that crazy and needy people are drawn to me. I don't always mind this but it does seem that I do more than my share of listening and picking them back up off the floor. Maybe you attract the unstable types or maybe loyalty just isn't the norm.

Posts: 621 | Registered: Sep 2012
Positiveways1212
New Member
Member # 42913
Default  Posted: 8:40 PM, May 24th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hold on to your politeness and loyalty those are good qualities. You seem to always consider the feelings and wellbeing of other people. Being authentic and true to yourself doesn’t mean becoming selfish or thoughtless. The only way that we can be successful and perfect is if we set our own standards and follow our own road in life.

Posts: 24 | Registered: Mar 2014
RomanticInnocenc
♀ Member
Member # 43041
Default  Posted: 9:06 PM, May 24th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

9years I totally can relate to what you are talking about. I always seem to be the one that gives herself to a relationship, romantic or otherwise, and get completely burned time and time again. About a month ago when I was in a very dark place I asked my WH why it was so hard for people to love me, because at the time I figured if people truly cared about me then much of what has happened between I and others wouldn't have. He said to me, very hesitantly, that the reason people walk all over me is because I don't hold them accountable for their actions toward me. And as much as I didn't want to hear it, he was completely right. I think I felt that no one had to keep me accountable, I don't look for a way where I can use people and manipulate, I always work by my values, so it never really occurred to me that others in my life might. WH being one of the biggest ones to take advantage of my nature. I'm a strong person, very opinionated and strong with what I believe to be valuable in life. Yet my own foo issues made me scared to really keep others accountable because if I did they might not like/love me any more, they may abandon me as too much work, so I tend to suffer in silence until I say something and pretty much that happens. But what I wasn't getting was, I don't need or want those relationships any more, in a way WH's affair has made me see that I don't need that crap in my life, even if that means having only myself and a handful of people in my life, I'm more than happy with that. WH also know that he is included in that, one sniff of him treating me like that again and he is gone, I want him in my life but I certainly don't need him!


Me: BS 31
WH: 29 (theseseatsRtaken)
DS: 6 months old
Together 10 years, married 2.
DD1: 8th of Jan 2014
DD2: 10th of Jan 2014
NC: 8th of Jan
In hopeful R!

Posts: 308 | Registered: Apr 2014 | From: Australia
Ostrich80
Member
Member # 34827
Default  Posted: 12:19 AM, May 25th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Loyalty is my thing to, til the bitter end. It can be a blessing and a curse. I have good friends that don't take advantage and.I've finally learned who deserves it and who doesn't. My circle gotten smaller. My ws is the one that's been hardest to deal with. Knowing he doesn't practice what I thought he did, has been the biggest dissappointment of my life. My Ic told me I expect everyone to be loyal and that's why I have been a doormat for a few but I'm getting better at deciphering who I want close to me. My ws is the next vine.I will prune but that ones going to be the most difficult.


BS..me
WS..him
Been with him over half my life
4kid
DD1 10-01-09 DD2 02-12-12 discovered it never ended
OW..nothing special. Just your average skank
Status..#$%@????

Posts: 5072 | Registered: Feb 2012 | From: midwest
9years
♀ Member
Member # 21212
Default  Posted: 2:49 PM, May 25th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I knew I wasn't the only one! I do struggle with holding people accountable, but usually it's because I don't feel like it's my job, the only thing I control in any given situation is my reaction. I used to overreact to a lot of things, but the more I learned and got to know myself the less and less it happened. The downfall of that is, I feel, that is part of what lead my xh to feel like I didn't care.


Just say yes to the rest

Posts: 1929 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: BC, Canada
Ashland13
♀ Member
Member # 38378
Default  Posted: 7:13 PM, May 25th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I have this exact same thing! I think I am somewhere in the middle of being loyal and letting myself be a victim.

The hardest thing is changing it when it was what I was taught by a very strict parent.

And both men and women do it, friends beside romantic interests, is what I find.

When I lowered every single expectation that I have, it really helped. I don't want to sound snooty, but it's been a really rough lesson to learn some middle ground to be who I want, protect myself and still be a good person.

It's been hard to change in some ways but also better, because getting the shaft sucks!


Ashland 13

A person is a person, no matter how small. -Dr. Suess

Perserverance and spirit have done wonders in all ages.

-George Washington


Posts: 2239 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: New England
9years
♀ Member
Member # 21212
Default  Posted: 10:12 AM, May 26th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Interesting to see these responses, thanks everyone :)


Just say yes to the rest

Posts: 1929 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: BC, Canada
Topic Posts: 11

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