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Wayward Side Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: Should I tell her
anothermoron
♂ New Member
Member # 43237
Default  Posted: 11:43 AM, May 23rd (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Second topic in a day, so apologies for that. My boss just offered me a promotion with the proviso that i would have to be the other side of america for one week each month. i turned him down because i am a WS who used to sleep around on business trips. kind of a no-brainer. Should I tell this to my wife? On the one hand, she may say: "take the job, we're getting divorced anyway" and it may trigger anxiety in her about business trips. on the other hand, it shows her how dedicated i am to our marriage. and that would make her feel better right? any thoughts?

Posts: 36 | Registered: Apr 2014 | From: New York
NeverAgain2013
♀ Member
Member # 38121
Default  Posted: 11:58 AM, May 23rd (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I don't get it.

Are you reconciling or divorcing?


Be careful - that 'knight in shining armor' may very well be nothing more than an assclown wrapped in tin foil.
ME: 50+ years old and cute as a button :-)
Ex-WBF: Just a lying, cheating, gravy-sucking pig - and I left him in 2012.

Posts: 1542 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: USA
anothermoron
♂ New Member
Member # 43237
Default  Posted: 12:00 PM, May 23rd (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

she hasnt really decided. some days she says we're divorcing. some days she seems to think we can work things out. she's never said we're going to reconcile. but it's been several months and we both seem to be working on it. so i guess we're on the fence...

Posts: 36 | Registered: Apr 2014 | From: New York
No12turn2
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Member # 40996
Default  Posted: 12:48 PM, May 23rd (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I get that you want her to see your progress. The important thing is that you turned the job down FOR YOU. If your wrong doing has inspired you to be a better person, then this shouldn't effect you in the long run. You shouldn't have any regrets about turning the job down, even if she could care less. Keep building a better you. IMO it would be good to know, but it may come off as misguided.

[This message edited by No12turn2 at 12:49 PM, May 23rd (Friday)]


Me/BS 35
WW 32
M 12 yrs 2 Girls 10 & 7
Phone/Cyber Affairs (3 D-Days)
Status: DIVORCED 4/24/2014

No one can make you feel inferior without your consent.


Posts: 499 | Registered: Oct 2013 | From: United Staes
NoGoodUsername
♂ Member
Member # 40181
Default  Posted: 1:01 PM, May 23rd (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Tell her regardless.

It's a chance to practice transparency for yourself. I like what No12turn2 said about making the decision for you.


Me: WH
Her: BW
Dday 7/11/13
"May you be protected from hearts that are not humble, tongues that are not wise and eyes that have forgotten how to cry."

Posts: 208 | Registered: Aug 2013
anothermoron
♂ New Member
Member # 43237
Default  Posted: 1:05 PM, May 23rd (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Yeah, i just dont want her to think that im trying to guilt her into not divorcing me. but ill probably tell her, just for the sake of transparency. feel like im in purgatory...

Posts: 36 | Registered: Apr 2014 | From: New York
NoGoodUsername
♂ Member
Member # 40181
Default  Posted: 1:15 PM, May 23rd (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You don't really have a lot of control over what she thinks. Honestly, that's not something you (or any of us) should try to influence. What you can do is make sure she has all of the information she needs to make informed decisions for herself. She gets information, you get to work on being a good and open person.

Please do spend a little time and make sure that you turned that job down for yourself. If you didn't, you have some thinking to do. Best of luck to you.


Me: WH
Her: BW
Dday 7/11/13
"May you be protected from hearts that are not humble, tongues that are not wise and eyes that have forgotten how to cry."

Posts: 208 | Registered: Aug 2013
anothermoron
♂ New Member
Member # 43237
Default  Posted: 1:31 PM, May 23rd (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

i mean, i guess i turned it down because while there's even a tiny bit of hope for my marriage, i want that rather than a cool new job. i didnt turn it down because i think ill be a better person without the cool new job that makes me travel for a week each month. If my marriage was in a better place, i would probably do it, as i think we could both handle it for a while. but in the end, yes, i guess i did do it for myself...

Posts: 36 | Registered: Apr 2014 | From: New York
Lucky2HaveMe
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Member # 13333
Default  Posted: 1:40 PM, May 23rd (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

In another post you said your MC encouraged you to *lie by omission* and that backfired. Why would this be any different? Transparency has no secrets.

As a BS, I would have been furious if my H didn't discuss this with me. It would have been one more decision he was making *for* me, without my input.

I think you need to discern your motives for wanting to tell her. You should want to tell her because it's the right thing to do to rebuild trust. But I don't read that in your posts.

ETA: You said she won't do counseling due to the inept MC you had. What about you? Are you taking the initiative to work through your stuff in IC?

[This message edited by Lucky2HaveMe at 1:44 PM, May 23rd (Friday)]


Indian wisdom says our lives are rivers. We are born somewhere small and quiet and we move toward a place we cannot see, but only imagine. From Tending Roses

Posts: 5972 | Registered: Jan 2007 | From: WNY
Lovedyoumore
♀ Member
Member # 35593
Default  Posted: 2:00 PM, May 23rd (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I think you have made another choice that keeps her in the dark. Why on the green earth would you keep your promotion offer from her? I would be livid if my H did not discuss this with me. If this is your pattern, you need to address it before moving forward. Infidelity exists in many realms.


Me 52
WH 52
Married 30+ years
Together trying to R

I tell people I am tired but really my heart is broken and I am sad.


Posts: 1382 | Registered: May 2012 | From: Southern, y'all.
Trying2LoveAgain
♀ Member
Member # 43024
Default  Posted: 6:19 PM, May 23rd (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I have to agree with Lovedyoumore...You should have discussed this with her. Marriage is about sharing everything and making all decisions together. These are things that affect you both. Good Luck!

Posts: 91 | Registered: Apr 2014 | From: New Mexico
craig2001
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Member # 55
Default  Posted: 6:24 PM, May 23rd (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Tell her. Keeping secrets just builds walls and that is the last thing you want or need right now.

Posts: 3490 | Registered: Jun 2002
justinpaintoday
♂ Member
Member # 42858
Default  Posted: 7:20 AM, May 24th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I would tell her and get her opinion. Transparency


I never realized you could be in this much pain and not be dying.

Posts: 700 | Registered: Mar 2014
remorsefulww
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Member # 42029
Default  Posted: 9:44 AM, May 25th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

When you got offered the job you should have told your boss that you would have to get back to him. Then you should have went home and discussed it with your wife and then you both could've made the decision together. That way she could that you weren't keeping anything from her. Have you told her yet?


Posts: 43 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: new york
anothermoron
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Member # 43237
Default  Posted: 1:18 PM, May 27th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I told her but she was pissed off with me for bringing up travel (again). She's right to be annoyed. To some extent, travel was my AP. I probably pushed for more of it than I needed because it was an opportunity to act out.
Again, she's now filling in divorce forms, and I can't blame her. I need to forget about my career and focus entirely on my family.

Posts: 36 | Registered: Apr 2014 | From: New York
Topic Posts: 15

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