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While WH was up to his chin in the A he told my daughter of his plan to leave me. It was last November right after renewing our vows and right around our 24th anniversary.

He had a couple of drinks and sat my daughter down at the kitchen table to "give her a heads up". He told her that he was miserable and that he planned on leaving me as soon as she graduates. He then proceeded to tell her that she couldn't tell me because he wanted peace in the house until he left. He ended by telling her that no matter what I say or she hears "he is not having an A with OW, he would never do that to any of us".

My daughter turns into a bratty, selfish teenager. I think that is the problem anyway, her grades start slipping, she starts missing work and we are fighting for the first time. She is my youngest and we have never had an argument. I start to think she is on drugs.

DDay comes down in January and DD is so relieved, she told me everything. She felt so terrible keeping that secret for her dad. I don't know if she will ever forgive him but they are finally talking. She moved out after DDay.

So I am a moody, withdrawn, angry mess right now because DD graduates next week and all I can think about is this crap and how he planned on leaving me high and dry.

I asked him yesterday how he felt when he thought about his plans to leave me and his answer was I feel nothing because it never crosses my mind. I am not leaving you now so there is no point. Left me feeling a little empty. I need to talk to him more about it and how bad it's eating me up inside but it just seems easier to be mean and moody.

I guess I just needed to vent and get that story out so I can turn my mind to my DD and enjoy this fantastic step for her.

So...are you supposed to be grateful that he's no longer planning on deserting his family? Only a complete ASSHAT visits the crap he visited on your daughter that night.

He'd still be leaving after your daughter's graduation - but on the end of my foot.

Asking a child to keep a secret for an adult is appalling. A parent asking a child to keep a secret about the M from the other parent borders on child abuse. He he ever apologized to her for the terrible position he put her in?

I totally get "mean and moody." I'd be there too. But you know as well as I do that doing some more talking is the right way to go. At the very least, he needs to understand and acknowledge the feelings that this is creating for you.

Congrats to your DD, and I do hope you are able to enjoy her day!

He wasn't mean or anything, just a little dismissive. He said he hasn't thought about how it makes him feel because he doesn't think about it. Plans have changed kind of thing. I did not push the issue because I was hurt by his comment even though it was the truth.

He has apologized to DD a lot, and like I said they are finally speaking, so maybe their relationship can be salvaged. She is the biggest promoter of me filing for D though, so she is a little bitter towards me for not kicking his ass to the curb. We are doing much better though, almost back to where we were.

I just need to work it out in my head so DD can take center stage. I am pretty proud of the fact that two people that dropped out of high school to get married and immediately have first child at 17 have pushed through the most horrific of times to see all of our children graduate.

DD #1 graduated with a child while battling some addiction problems, DS graduated after overcoming some addiction problems, and now DD #2 will graduate after being diagnosed with PTSD from the murder and barely getting better to be handed this shit sandwich from her dad, and moving out to get away from our crap.

Wow I just talked myself into the reasons that this is a celebration even though asshat WH had stupid plans months back.

Thank you for the support, still going to talk to him more so has a chance to acknowledge my pain about it, because it is on my long list of stuff I have to accept for R.

Right now though I think I will celebrate that I have raised some pretty amazing kids, that have all been through more than should have, and survived and thrived.

You have raised resilient, competent adults who might be more compassionate than most given what they have been through. Wonder where they got those qualities?

You should be a proud mama, Breezy! Glad you worked it through.

Just when you think you have heard very selfish, asinine thing a wayward has done, you realize there is a bottomless well of asshattery that these people are drawing from. I can't even imagine what kind of reform school I would have ended up in if my father had told me something like that. No wonder graduation is triggering you! Sorry I don't have any good advice, I am just trying to pick my jaw up off the floor!

I am just glad that I am not the only one that thinks this is coming from a bottomless pit of shit. I think in his twisted, stupid, and selfish mind he thought is was ok because she was already 18.

At least things are on the mend, and he can't be that asshat again or he will be a very lonely asshat. No wonder this shit takes years to work through.

Krsplat, thank you very much, I needed a compliment today.

"He'd still be leaving after your daughter's graduation - but on the end of my foot."

(I love picturing this.)

Wow, Breezy, my heart goes out to you. You have been through a lot and you've been a rock for your kids. I can relate to part of your experience. My eldest DD, now 18 and also graduating, discovered her dad's A with her brother in the summer of 2012. She confronted him in September and he didn't stop the A and didn't tell me. She was left trying to deal with watching him lie to me for months.

Like your DD, she wishes we would've D'ed, and she's been very emotionally damaged in the process. It's been a rough ride, so I can identify with you on that completely. We've had to deal with some "acting out" through all of this as well.

Your family has been through some extra tough times and I'm so sorry for that. Glad to read that your DS is doing well and seems to be recovered.

My sweet WH moved out, also thinking that he might pursue his "happily ever after" with his AP. The reality of the shitstorm that ensued at Dday finally provided a little reality into his fantasy land. UGH. I can get myself infuriated just thinking about it.

So, I am trying to follow your lead, focus on the positive, and try to enjoy this happy stepping stone for my DD as well.

Congratulations on you for your strength in pulling your kids through this quagmire, while your feet were sinking underneath you. You're doing great!

It amazes me that WSs have their head so far up their ass that they don't see how much it will affect the kids. Even if those kids are adults. Lol.

Stillstanding my heart goes out to your DD, that had to be horrific. Thank you for your kind words, we have been through a lot and my son has his problems but he is an inspiration to me. It is crazy how hard the murder was to get through but in reality we were all stronger for it at about 18 months out, but this infidelity thing is kicking my ass. Murder trials, parole hearings, victims statements and a suicidal son was easier.

Here is to our DDs on their graduation, they have been through hell and are coming out on top. Congrats to your DD on her special day too.

I cannot imagine Wth was going through his mind to lay that burden on your DD, then ask her to keep the secret. I think at my age,.if my dad did that now, I wouldn't be able to function. You've brought up a stong young lady Breezy.

I'd personally be really alarmed that he doesn't find what he did to your daughter appalling.

He doesn't think about it? Like sweep it under the rug aka rugsweeping.

I get that what is done can't be undone but I would hope that he wants R because a light has gone on - if that light is on then he would be looking at past behaviour in horror/astonishment/bewilderment - not 'meh, no biggie because I didn't follow through with the plan'.

I wouldn't be at all comfortable with a 'change of plan' - I'd be looking for a change if mindset.

The 'plan' is one problem - what he did to you DD is a whole other kettle of fish.

Nonchalance on this would be a huge red flag for me. Huge. I would have a big problem with him having no problem about this.

Of all of the hideous things I've read on here this one is up there with the most ice cold acts I've ever heard about. Who the fuck DOES that?

Congrats on having a graduate....

But why are you not totally pissed off at your WH for dumping that shit on your DD and him now acting like "what?"

He blew up her world with his *talk* with her. And he's all:

***I feel nothing because it never crosses my mind. I am not leaving you now so there is no point***

He doesn't get it. Your kids are paying the price for that....and you will also pay for it because they will lose respect for you.

they don't see how much it will affect the kids. Even if those kids are adults. Lol.

I doubt that your DD thinks this is something that you should by Lol'ing about.....she probably doesn't find the humor in it.

I probably need to clear this up a little. He feels terrible about what he did to my DD, he works everyday to try and make it up to her. He is absolutely sick about doing it, and they are rebuilding their relationship. It is one of the big things during the A that turns both of our stomachs.

He was dismissive (I felt) about his plans to leave me in general, that is what I am triggering over, that he planned to leave me after graduation. That is what I was asking him, how he felt about his plans to leave me (not how I found out about them) and he says he doesn't think about the fact that he had plans to leave me because he isn't going to now.

He has never been dismissive about what he did to our DD, he knows that is when he really hit rock bottom into the pile of shit. I will reiterate he works his ass off rebuilding that relationship, and he knows he can never make up for it, or change what he did. He can be a better father from now on.

I am sorry about the LOL, I only meant it as a chuckle because no matter how old they get they are our babies. I keep referring to my kids as kids, 2 are married with families, so I chuckled because they are all adults.

Ostrich80 thank you, she is a strong resilient woman, and she has never given one inch with him, he has earned every inch.

I would also like to add of course I am pissed off that he did it, it is #2 on my list of 30 things I have to accept to move on with him as opposed to without him. I haven't accepted any of them, even the smaller ones.

Oh OK. I would be upset too.

When I was in False R I had similar discussions about things that went on. I wanted to know how he could ever do any of those things to me and our family. 'How could you?' Was what I felt.

I didn't want him to feel bad about it, I wanted to feel safe and the only way I thought I'd feel that was if he was sorry for it and told me often. He said he didn't know why and apologised over and over in a way that made his pain outweigh mine.

I felt guilty for making him feel guilty.

You've had 2 DDays this year. You are only 4m out. I wouldn't expect you to feel safe just yet, that could take 2-5 years. But I would also not expect him to be dismissive of it because he doesn't think about it and it didn't happen so why are you thinking about it.

Is that what this is making you feel? Is he not as horrified at his actions towards you as he is about what he did to your DD?

Feeling bad doesn't fix this - if it did I would not have been in False R. I got constant apologies but with an undertone of resentment. In the end he told me in was punishing him - this after 3m of False R.

Are you guys in IC and MC? Not thinking about it alarms me. He has boxed it up but I don't see how he can't think about what he did every single day. Especially after taking the A underground after seeing what DD#1 did to you.

I understand why you don't feel at all safe - I wouldn't either.

I am in IC, he has gone a few times but it was challenging time wise as he was working out of town three weeks a month. We are in MC, but I am starting to think it is a little too early. I haven't made any real decision about R or D.

I think you nailed it with not feeling safe, that is what I want again, just to feel safe. The shit he did was all so terrible including going underground for a month.

We have both read some books too. I am starting to see some red flags popping up and I will probably end up D. That feeling could change tomorrow or next week though. I can never tell what is real and what is just a dip on the roller coaster. Just floating along for now, trying not to drown.

He seemed honestly surprised that with all the horrible stuff he did, I am having a hard time with his plans to leave. I think he thinks that is just implied while having an A that you also plan to leave your marriage.

The way I have felt this week he may get to keep those plans, but this time it will be my decision.

Has your daughter seen a counselor? You should ask her to. Her life has turned upside down also.

My npd POS a-hole xwh used our ds from 16-18 as a confidant during his A. Ds developed OCD and a serious social anxiety. I will never forgive xwh for that. Thank God ds is getting better.

Please watch her closely. Hugs

I agree with Violated. Offer her a counselor so that she can work through the damage your WH caused. As you know, him apologizing and being sorry is not always enough. Especially not for something this big.

Breezy, have you sat down and talked to your daughter about the A, her concerns, and your relationship with her/how it's affected right now? If I was you, I would not be talking about her attitude regarding your relationship so lightly. If you read posts here from children whose parents had affairs you'll realize that the respect for you she's losing is a serious matter. She may never get it back especially if R happens for you. She may always see you as the doormat her dad wiped his feet on every day with half-assed apologies and broken promises. She may still model her personal life after you and marry someone just like your WH. This needs to be addressed and talked through maybe even with her counselor if she goes to IC. Brushing it off will leave you having to do 10x the work to repair that relationship with her later on down the road.

[This message edited by nekonamida at 10:26 AM, May 25th (Sunday)]

Thank you guys for the responses. My DD has not been in IC except for the year or so after the murder. I think it is a great idea to offer that to her.

We do talk all the time about the A, she has seen enough positive changes in her dad to let up about the D. Looking back though I think I do most of the talking. Thank you for helping me see that.

I think it is time for some better talks between us, and some IC for her.

After the murder she was diagnosed PTSD, I haven't seen any if those signs coming back. She does not live with us anymore though so it would be pretty easy to hide from me.