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Newest Member: SadnAlone (44234)

Divorce/Separation Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: Sad to Be Here
PollyA
♀ Member
Member # 40567
Default  Posted: 1:13 AM, May 23rd (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

As our MC said today, Maybe it's just too much infidelity and the relationship has been eroded so far that it's not possible to be together.

The saddest thing is that I think she's right.

I've wanted it to be not true, so I've been hanging on. When asked, "what can he do to trust him again"?, I honestly had no answer. After 8 of our ten years marriage him having sex with over 100 strange men on craigslist, I guess I don't have to "prove" my steadfastness.

I asked him to leave tonight and for the first time, he kept that promise. Of course, it's only for two days! I'll be out of town after that.

At least we'll save the money we've wasted on MC.


BW - 2 x's ( once before married, got therapy, thought we'd both moved forward)
WH - SA? Probably not. Just a Selfish ASS
DD1 - 4/2001 - 1 OW, left, returned, therapy, thought he'd "gotten it". I was wrong.
DD2 - 8/2013 -

Posts: 105 | Registered: Sep 2013 | From: PollyA
cayc
♀ Member
Member # 21964
Default  Posted: 7:19 AM, May 23rd (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I know this is hard for you because it isn't what you wanted. You wanted him to care enough to sit up and do the work to stay with you. But people like him (constantly fucking other people) very rarely can stop that habit. Sometimes they can stop it temporarily but the odds aren't good that they don't pick it back up.

You are better off with him gone. This goes beyond not being able to trust him. He's just not good enough for you.

(((PollyA)))


"The difference between involvement and commitment is like ham and eggs. The chicken is involved, the pig is committed." -Martina Navratilova
"The question isn't who is going to let me; it's who is going to stop me." -Ayn Rand

Posts: 2999 | Registered: Dec 2008 | From: Mexico
one2ndchance
♀ Member
Member # 14759
Default  Posted: 11:41 AM, May 23rd (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

When asked, "what can he do to trust him again"?

After my second d-day, I answered, "Nothing. There is nothing he can do." In my mind, if he didn't understand and have compassion for the pain I went through the first time, then he obviously didn't love or respect me. He was simply a weak, selfish cheater and would remain so.


Me: BW 59
Him: STBXWH 61
Married: 25 years
DDay1: 2/2002; DDay2: 6/2012
Gave him his second chance and he blew it.
Divorcing

Posts: 479 | Registered: May 2007 | From: California
Angeles85
♀ Member
Member # 42107
Default  Posted: 3:04 PM, May 23rd (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I am really sorry...I know how you feel. After 3 different A my ex had in our 4 year relationship I knew I couldn't do it anymore...Knowing that there could be a 4th time was just so painful for me, my heart wouldn't resist another one. I admire you for trying to fix your M, be proud of yourself for that and at least know that you did everything you could...keep posting here. It will make you feel better and we're here for you.
((Polly))

Posts: 122 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: Los Angeles
slicerboy
♂ Member
Member # 22202
Default  Posted: 3:12 PM, May 23rd (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Strength to you PollyA - you didn't give up, your WS took that choice away from you when they stepped outside of your M.


Me: Realizing my worth
Her: Escaping

Two children, innocent victims (14 & 15)

When I look back, we both hurt each other in so many ways and our lack of honesty and maturity coupled with poor communication led us to where we are today


Posts: 810 | Registered: Dec 2008 | From: Minneapolis
mamazen
♀ Member
Member # 42137
Default  Posted: 5:06 PM, May 23rd (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Welcome Polly,

This is a good place, with good folks in all stages of the journey you're undertaking now.

Good luck; stick around!

Mamazen


mamazen


me 55
WH 56
married 19 years
separated since 8/2013
D in progress
D-day Dec 21 2013 (after separation)
2 sons 15 and 11
OW = family friend and WH work colleague, going on many years (I was clueless)


Posts: 56 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: canada
emptiness2014
♀ New Member
Member # 43092
Default  Posted: 6:36 PM, May 23rd (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Well, it would be really hard to trust a husband having sex with men. Because not only is it sex outside of the marriage, its a whole different sexuality. He is getting something you can't possibly offer or compete with. I am in the same boat - husband is gay. So, even if I could get past the affair, fundamentally there is nothing I can offer him. So I would always think he was going elsewhere. It sucks.

There is a support group for stright spouses that is really helpful too.


BS (me): 32
WH: 33
Married: Feb 3, 2007
Discovery: Mar 26, 2014
Child 1: May 27, 2009
Child 2: May 23, 2012

Posts: 41 | Registered: Apr 2014 | From: canada
PollyA
♀ Member
Member # 40567
Default  Posted: 6:55 PM, May 23rd (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

emptiness, thank you for your kind words.

If my H were gay, it would be easier for me than this. Every counselor we've had (3 now) has discussed his sexuality at length and my H is definitely bisexual with romantic interest only in women. He still loves all the girl parts. He also has no romantic interest in men. His encounters were often ten minutes! I ended up with his "gay hook up site" email and conversed with several of his hook ups, pretended I was H, so got what seems to be the truth.

I believe he's at least a BIT of a sociopath. He doesn't consider other people's feelings and boundaries. He used the men he had sex with to feel popular and hot. He's over 50 now and if a gay man was willing to "do" him, his ego was inflated and he felt powerful. Several of the emails from his hook ups actually kinda called him a jerk for never staying around to say "hi". He never knew most of the guy's names, and they knew him as "Bob Smith" (a puuedonym), so those that he did know their names, he probably didn't know their real names.

This is no way excuses him. It just makes it more cringe-worthy.

UGH!


BW - 2 x's ( once before married, got therapy, thought we'd both moved forward)
WH - SA? Probably not. Just a Selfish ASS
DD1 - 4/2001 - 1 OW, left, returned, therapy, thought he'd "gotten it". I was wrong.
DD2 - 8/2013 -

Posts: 105 | Registered: Sep 2013 | From: PollyA
emptiness2014
♀ New Member
Member # 43092
Default  Posted: 8:31 PM, May 23rd (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Yeah, my husband was on those sights too. I also pretended to be him and same thing....quick hookups. But no sex.

Were all his affairs with men? If they were, I would be concerned that he is in denial. Either way, the straight spouse group would still help you.

Sorry you have found yourself here. :(


BS (me): 32
WH: 33
Married: Feb 3, 2007
Discovery: Mar 26, 2014
Child 1: May 27, 2009
Child 2: May 23, 2012

Posts: 41 | Registered: Apr 2014 | From: canada
PollyA
♀ Member
Member # 40567
Default  Posted: 10:01 PM, May 23rd (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I WANT him to be gay. Every counselor we've gone to, I lead with, He's GAY and I'm OK with it. But I can't deny that he adores my lady parts. Always has. I used to have to say, "enough!"

He says his porn usage led him to up the titillation factor. He says he contacted women a few women on craigslist, and that they needed to be "wooed". (all this is what he says, not what I know, so I take it with a grain of salt). He claims he wanted NOTHING to do with wining and dining, just hook ups, and the women wanted relationships. Gay men just wanted to orally please my H, since he's physically lucky.

It's so funny how I have a lot of questions about his behavior, but don't really think he's gay. He definitely enjoyed the sex with men. They kowtowed to him. The thing that pisses me off the most is that I knew about this interest and was OK with us maybe doing something wild together. He claimed he'd lost interest!!

HOW can people be so bad? Yes, I'm being judgmental. WHY do people have no morals? Why do people put other people's lives in danger. All the while having a fake "nice" face.

I'd rather deal straight on with evil.

Well, I'm off to watch cute animal videos! I love having the apartment to myself...


BW - 2 x's ( once before married, got therapy, thought we'd both moved forward)
WH - SA? Probably not. Just a Selfish ASS
DD1 - 4/2001 - 1 OW, left, returned, therapy, thought he'd "gotten it". I was wrong.
DD2 - 8/2013 -

Posts: 105 | Registered: Sep 2013 | From: PollyA
nowiknow23
♀ Guide
Member # 33226
Default  Posted: 10:08 PM, May 23rd (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

((((PollyA))))


You can call me NIK

Wise men talk because they have something to say; fools, because they have to say something.
- Plato


Posts: 24402 | Registered: Aug 2011
Smashedat58
♀ Member
Member # 41705
Default  Posted: 10:13 PM, May 23rd (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

For your own health, you cannot stay with this man. You are exposed to everyone he has had sex with, and don't forget it. He is selfish, out of control, and cruel to bring you possibly deadly diseases. Get tested for STD's again, and get away from him.

Posts: 162 | Registered: Dec 2013 | From: Upstate New York
PollyA
♀ Member
Member # 40567
Default  Posted: 10:51 PM, May 23rd (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Smashed, I am a FREAK about health. I was tested and tested and am uninfected. I haven't had sex with him, believe me!!

And, yes, I fear recidivism. I'm so conflicted, it's ridiculous. Although you all get to see me as waffling...he knows there is NO WAY I'm going to have sex with him unless I feel safe.

I don't.

Until he knows what is the flaw in him that allowed him to say "yes" to cheating and endangering my life, and can convince me that he's "fixed" that flaw, I will NEVER be able to have a wifely experience with him.

Oh, wait. I'll also never allow him to live with me again. I'm going out of town for two months. I want NC. This is likely the end.


BW - 2 x's ( once before married, got therapy, thought we'd both moved forward)
WH - SA? Probably not. Just a Selfish ASS
DD1 - 4/2001 - 1 OW, left, returned, therapy, thought he'd "gotten it". I was wrong.
DD2 - 8/2013 -

Posts: 105 | Registered: Sep 2013 | From: PollyA
Smashedat58
♀ Member
Member # 41705
Default  Posted: 5:55 AM, May 24th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Good for you. I know that it is hard to put yourself first after loving someone else, but you just have to. Having them back won't make the pain go away, and it might just kill you. You deserve better, and you will heal and find it, whether he gets help or not. Put yourself first.

Posts: 162 | Registered: Dec 2013 | From: Upstate New York
betrayedidiot
♀ Member
Member # 42868
Default  Posted: 10:29 AM, May 24th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

There are several serial cheater stories on SI, and just when I think I've seen the worst, I see something worse! I'm so sorry you are in this situation. I don't see how you can ever trust him. Even if he isn't gay, he definitely has strong preferences for that. You cannot risk your health by staying. I think you should run. Sorry.


Me: BS
Married almost 20 years
2 year EA and 1 month PA
DD-16
D-Day: 01/14/14
Separated and divorcing

Posts: 92 | Registered: Mar 2014 | From: TX
Topic Posts: 15

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