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Divorce/Separation Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: Legal separation vs divorce
Acer0112
♀ Member
Member # 43241
Default  Posted: 11:56 PM, May 22nd (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I know I am at the point that I just want the divorce, so I can heal, move on, and not feel like I'm being betrayed because WH is in a relationship with the OW. She doesn't live in our state, but they talk and text all day and he's anxiously waiting to see her, he cancelled a trip for last weekend after I called him out on using our money and award points and his sister talked him out if it until we file. In his mind, file separation or divorce, which ever I decide. My dilemma...

In mediation today, the mediator told me to think of this as a business transaction, and to really think about legal separation so that I can take advantage of WH health benefits while I look for a job that can provide me with good coverage. The might be six months, maybe longer, hard to tell since the offers are not rolling in.

I had my options going in, and the best solution we agreed to if we divorce is that I pay for my own ins. with WH paying what he would on his plan, maybe $50. My issue, he doesn't want to pay off the car loan with cash on hand, so I would have two payments a month in the $250-330 range. Which is really not feasible.

So how does one deal with legal separation knowing WH is in a relationship? Is it just me that thinks this is still cheating? Should I put that aside and really think of it as divorce, just not the final stamp?

[This message edited by Acer0112 at 11:58 PM, May 22nd (Thursday)]


D-Day 1/24/14
D-Day2 04/08/14, false R
17yrs married, 23yrs together
Two kids 13, 11
Divorced 10/2014

Posts: 201 | Registered: Apr 2014
nekorb
♀ Member
Member # 40306
Default  Posted: 5:18 AM, May 23rd (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

t thinks this is still cheating? Should I put that aside and really think of it as divorce, just not the final stamp?

Yes.

Also check on the health insurance thing. In my state/ with my carrier LS only meant I was eligible for cobra through his employer, not that I could stay on the plan as I am now. Then found out his company is too small to qualify for cobra. So there was no advantage to LS at all for me. The insurance carrier gave me that info.


Me: BS 44; Him: WH 47 aka CAT- colossal asshat; Married 22 years
D-day: July 17, 2013, with TT to follow
D filed July 16, 2014, 363 days later than I should have
Psalms 27:14
Wait for The Lord; be strong and take heart. Wait for the Lord.

Posts: 1838 | Registered: Aug 2013
one2ndchance
♀ Member
Member # 14759
Default  Posted: 12:42 PM, May 23rd (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

the best solution we agreed to if we divorce is that I pay for my own ins. with WH paying what he would on his plan, maybe $50. My issue, he doesn't want to pay off the car loan with cash on hand, so I would have two payments a month in the $250-330 range. Which is really not feasible

Why would you agree to this? I told my L I wanted the cost of my health insurance included in SS. Why can't you request the same until you find employment? And why should your WH decide that the car loan not be paid off with cash on hand? If it would be best for you to have it paid off, why are you not insisting it be paid off?

Your WH is taking advantage of your desire "to be fair." He is not looking out for you. No one is. You need to look out for yourself.


Me: BW 60
Him: STBXWH 62
Married: 25 years
DDay1: 2/2002; DDay2: 6/2012
Gave him his second chance and he blew it.
Divorce final: 9/2014

Posts: 485 | Registered: May 2007 | From: California
Acer0112
♀ Member
Member # 43241
Default  Posted: 9:03 PM, May 23rd (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Ya, it's complicated...

Why would you agree to this? I told my L I wanted the cost of my health insurance included in SS. Why can't you request the same until you find employment? And why should your WH decide that the car loan not be paid off with cash on hand?

He's being stubborn to only pay coverage if I stay under his company insurance. He thinks the car should be paid off from the accident settlement when that comes in, but I think that shouldn't be touched. Plus, mediator pointed out some math that I would owe him because higher asset, but now that I think about it, he still has more assets overall, not looking just at cars. Grrr, I'm mad at mediator about a few things.

I am running all of thus by a lawyer before we finalize, just not sure who gives...


D-Day 1/24/14
D-Day2 04/08/14, false R
17yrs married, 23yrs together
Two kids 13, 11
Divorced 10/2014

Posts: 201 | Registered: Apr 2014
one2ndchance
♀ Member
Member # 14759
Default  Posted: 12:12 PM, May 24th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Mediators need to be pragmatic. Their goal is to compromise fairly. But "fair" can be subjective. They don't take emotional state or moral values into consideration. It isn't "fair" that you are in this position. You kept your part of the marital contract. WH defaulted. Now, through mediation, everyone is supposed to be fair?

I understand why you were talked into mediation. You wanted to save money. I felt the exact same way initially. I considered mediation and collaborative divorce. I felt like if we had to pay tons in attorney fees, there would be less money to split.

What I realized, though, is I needed someone to advise me, at every step, what was in my best interest...not only pragmatically, but what was best for me emotionally. My L has often asked,"Do you feel comfortable with that?" He told me initially when I hired him, "My job is to protect you." The security of knowing I have someone to champion me is worth every penny.

I'm not slamming mediation. It works for many people. But when it comes to infidelity, I think there is a moral obligation for the WS to offer compensation. Marriage is a legal contract. In any other area of contract law, when a contract is broken, there are consequences for the person who breaches it.

I'm not advocating that you try to squeeze WH dry. But you deserve compensation for him breaking the contract, destroying your family and your life. Depending on how long you've been married, you deserve concessions on his part for a certain amount of time. That's fair. WH won't think so, but what do you care? He's moved on and loves someone else.

Stay strong, Acer. Fight for yourself.


Me: BW 60
Him: STBXWH 62
Married: 25 years
DDay1: 2/2002; DDay2: 6/2012
Gave him his second chance and he blew it.
Divorce final: 9/2014

Posts: 485 | Registered: May 2007 | From: California
Acer0112
♀ Member
Member # 43241
Default  Posted: 12:38 PM, May 24th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thx for feedback. You are totally right, he breached our marriage contract, but worse, has emotionally hurt me, so much pain and suffering. I will get some input from my lawyer. I am receiving support for the half of our marriage or until I remarry and child maintenance. Our problem, we don't know my earning capacity as I need to find employment, vs continuing my part time work from home. That is one of my biggest changes because, otherwise I would have waited for full time work until kids could drive. I welcome the challenge to support myself as much as I can.

The mediator did tell him he should consider compensating me for at least half of the dissipation amount spent on his affair, so she did give some emotional input. She kept saying, you have caused her a lot if pain, you will want to consider it. Plus it's not that much in the grand scheme of things, but I will take half if not all, just to have the point made to him he spent a vacation trip plus some on his childish mid life crisis affair.

I'm losing our sporting tickets since they are not in our name, I can maybe buy a game here and there, but will miss that. I'm losing his family condo vacation spot. I will have to keep strong and get the car paid off and some part of benefits covered, and ask for divorce.


D-Day 1/24/14
D-Day2 04/08/14, false R
17yrs married, 23yrs together
Two kids 13, 11
Divorced 10/2014

Posts: 201 | Registered: Apr 2014
one2ndchance
♀ Member
Member # 14759
Default  Posted: 1:27 PM, May 24th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Our problem, we don't know my earning capacity

Actually, this is not your problem.

I'm an RN. I worked part time before we separated. I quit my job because I moved away to be closer to my daughter and her family. My L knows my earning potential and that will be factored in WHEN I gain employment. My nursing skills are very specialized, so it's been difficult to find a position. I very much want to work. I enjoy it. It brings me pride and satisfaction, so I am actively looking.

In the meantime, my L has requested that STBXWH pay SS calculated on my present income, which is zero. This is how it works in Calif.

Unless it is different where you are, your SS should be determined on your present earnings, not your potential. What happens if you don't meet that potential, and you signed an agreement for a lower SS? Then you're screwed.

If, in the future, your income does increase, your WH can petition the court to lower SS. But for now, please don't let them determine your SS on what they think you can earn.



Me: BW 60
Him: STBXWH 62
Married: 25 years
DDay1: 2/2002; DDay2: 6/2012
Gave him his second chance and he blew it.
Divorce final: 9/2014

Posts: 485 | Registered: May 2007 | From: California
Kajem
♀ Member
Member # 36134
Default  Posted: 11:38 PM, May 24th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Your income can be imputed with minimum wage at 40 hours a week. They can work off of that schedule and modify it later.

A lot of agreements work this way and ask for a recalculation in a year. That way you've got a year of support. If you find something making more than minimum wage, you've gat a few months to catch up before things change.

Good luck


I trust you is a better compliment than I love you, because you may not trust the person you love, but you can always love the person you trust. - Unknown
Relationships are like sharing a book, it doesn't work if you're not on the same page.

Posts: 5327 | Registered: Jul 2012 | From: Florida
Topic Posts: 8

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