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Divorce/Separation Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: So now I'M F@cking evil
careerlady
♀ Member
Member # 16958
Angry  Posted: 11:55 PM, May 22nd (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

So we got divorced a few weeks ago by default because the Snake couldn't bother to respond to my divorce petition. He hasn't moved out yet (has until July). He hasn't even opened the court order yet, I just told him that he is to receive a lump sum followed by payments for the house and gave him the lump sum. I filed for physical custody with him getting EOW. The thing is when I was filing for child support the paralegal said wage garnishment is standard in CA divorce unless we provide reasoning why not, etc. Given that he's constantly in arrears with his OC and kept refusing to participate in the divorce I didn't challenge the garnishment. I knew this would piss the Snake off so I texted him a few days ago while he was out of town that garnishment was standard before he found out from his job. He said "fine whatever"

I texted him about DS tonight and he said "Don't text me anymore. You're fucking evil." I asked why and he said "I'm serious. No more emails either. I hope you celebrate me losing my job". I said "Why would you lose your job and why would I celebrate that? We have a child together and need to coordinate care". He says "there's nothing to coordinate" I asked about his weekends and he said "Enjoy your garnished child support. That should cover everything. I don't want anything to do with you. please leave me alone. Thanks". I basically said I wasn't happy with him either since he treated me horribly but unless he doesn't want to see DS we have to communicate in some way. He did not respond.

WTF. I can't believe I lowballed his salary and my child care costs because I was worried about his finances (since he already pays a lot for OC). This is the thanks I get. I was already feeling a little low because I happen to know one of his girlfriends is flying out to meet him in NY on his miles. Now someone I loved and sacrificed for for 15 years is calling me evil. I knew it would happen. I have known he is NPD for a while and was waiting for the moment when he would turn angry and everything would be my fault. It still smarts. But worst of all it's scary. He hasn't moved out yet and now I'm nervous he will be more emotionally abusive towards me or even DS. I'm worried he'll take DS away just to spite me (even though now that I have custody I'd call the police on his ass). I'm so glad that I dropped off DS's spare car seat at my friend's place, and I'll be keeping my keys protected so he can't take mine. He gets so angry I just don't want him to snap. He won't be back till Monday so part of my hope was that he will have calmed down by then. I wish I had family that could stay with us. If he follows through on his threat to not see DS I will start looking into moving to SoCal for more support...


Me (BS, 35); The Snake (WS, 36) 13yrs together; 1 baby boy (DOB 7/12)
Serial cheater-Multiple OWs, Multiple D-Days
D by default 5/3/14!
In house 8 mos, moved out 7/1!!!
Summary: http://youtu.be/iaysTVcounI

Posts: 935 | Registered: Nov 2007 | From: Northern California
JT4588
♀ Member
Member # 42971
Default  Posted: 12:52 AM, May 23rd (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Take it back to court and revise your estimates. Nail him for the support you're actually due. No one gets fired for having their wages garnished for child support. It is absolutely standard in California.

If you think he is going to get physical or verbally abusive when he comes back you really need to protect yourself. Why is he getting until July to move out? Get a temporary restraining order ASAP and force him to stay somewhere else. You cannot put yourself or your DS in danger!!


Posts: 68 | Registered: Apr 2014
careerlady
♀ Member
Member # 16958
Default  Posted: 12:58 AM, May 23rd (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks. Well he was playing nice and I knew he'd be out of town most of may and at least half of June so I was trying to be reasonable. I'm not going to worry about CS I make plenty of money. What I'm worried about is custody.

How can I get a restraining order when he hasn't threatened me or done me physical harm?


Me (BS, 35); The Snake (WS, 36) 13yrs together; 1 baby boy (DOB 7/12)
Serial cheater-Multiple OWs, Multiple D-Days
D by default 5/3/14!
In house 8 mos, moved out 7/1!!!
Summary: http://youtu.be/iaysTVcounI

Posts: 935 | Registered: Nov 2007 | From: Northern California
donotlietome
♀ Member
Member # 26478
Default  Posted: 5:00 AM, May 23rd (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Have movers come and pack his crap off into a storage unit this weekend. Don't let him back in on Monday!!! He is messed up. You are not safe with him in your home.

Posts: 187 | Registered: Dec 2009
Freeme
♀ Member
Member # 31946
Default  Posted: 5:50 AM, May 23rd (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Having Snake living you is not healthy. Not for you for for your son. You are being too nice again and Snake doesn't see it as being nice because well... he is Snake. You have got to end this cycle and the sooner the better.

He might not in the house for most of May or June but it appears that he is in the house enough. You are Divorced, you have custody, it's your house... the cards are all in your hands and yet you keep dealing him in.... we both know what is going to happen come July... he will have ignored the fact that time is running out and start being "nice" again... you will feel bad and tell him that he can stay until he finds a place... or maybe until the end of the month... and the Snake is back.

You also need to hard 180 until you kick him out. You are not detached. Please, for you own well being and your sons, get this guy out of your house. He adds nothing to you life but drama and guilt.


Posts: 202 | Registered: Apr 2011 | From: Washington DC
kg201
♂ Member
Member # 40173
Default  Posted: 7:02 AM, May 23rd (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Give him space for now. For whatever reason he is reacting right now. Let him, as you say, have space to cool down this weekend. Then see where you are when he returns. Since he hasn't threatened you, you're right it would be harder to get a restraining order, and harder to keep it past the 10 days (maybe different in CA) the RO is good for initially.

If when he returns he is being abusive in any way, you take your DS and head to the police station and get help with a restraining order.


Me: BH, 39
Her: WW, 40
Together 18 years, married 15+
LTA 3.5 years, ongoing
Dday: 7/28/13
Divorcing, 3 children
---------------------------------
"There can be no friendship without confidence, and no confidence without integrity." -S

Posts: 595 | Registered: Aug 2013
Freeme
♀ Member
Member # 31946
Default  Posted: 7:19 AM, May 23rd (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You might want to head to the police station now to find out what your options are. If it's your house and you are divorced I would suspect if you kick him out and he wont leave you can call the police and have them get him out. If he gets out of hand while it's happening I would guess you could get a restraining order.

If he has keys to the house I would look into getting the locks changed... Get your ducks in a row while he is gone. You shouldn't have to live this way.


Posts: 202 | Registered: Apr 2011 | From: Washington DC
sparkysable
♀ Member
Member # 3703
Default  Posted: 7:47 AM, May 23rd (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You can't play nice with a NPD. They always want more.

I don't know what it is about wage garnishment that sets them off, but I suspect it's a control thing.


D-day OW#1 2/2004; R for 6 years; D-day OW#2 5/2010

Marriages that start this way, stepping over the bodies of loved ones as the giddy couple walks down the aisle, are not likely to last.


Posts: 3190 | Registered: Mar 2004 | From: NY
norabird
♀ Member
Member # 42092
Default  Posted: 8:17 AM, May 23rd (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You can't play nice with a NPD. They always want more.

^^^ This. I'm so sorry. Pretend he doesn't even exist. You're getting IC I hope?

((((careerlady))))

Calling you evil is a pretty obvious case of projection. Fuck. That. Guy.


Sit. Feast on your life.

Posts: 3784 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: NYC
Softcentre
Member
Member # 39166
Default  Posted: 8:24 AM, May 23rd (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Wage garnishment to NPD -> Everyone will know that I can't be trusted to pay my CS,so I will appear to be a POS -> narcissistic injury -> NPD FURY

[This message edited by Softcentre at 8:24 AM, May 23rd, 2014 (Friday)]


Me: BW
Him: STBXWH 'The Arse' - likes strong but broken OW
OW - EA - my friend 'Holy Chick'
COW - Suspected EA/PA 'The Ambassador'
COW - EA/PA - 'Fat Bottomed Girl'


Posts: 760 | Registered: May 2013 | From: UK
tushnurse
♀ Member
Member # 21101
Default  Posted: 9:53 AM, May 23rd (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

THIS
You might want to head to the police station now to find out what your options are. If it's your house and you are divorced I would suspect if you kick him out and he wont leave you can call the police and have them get him out. If he gets out of hand while it's happening I would guess you could get a restraining order.

this establishes that you have concerns for your safety and well being.

The police will be better to deal with if you go in calm and collected, and make them aware of the situation, and when he is expected back, not necessarily a RO, but being around when he does come back.


Me: FBS
Him: FWS
Kids: 15 & 17
Married for 22 years now, was 16 at the time. .
D-Day Sept 26 2008
Fully R'd, and Happy Happy Happy

Posts: 7815 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: St. Louis
Must Survive
♀ Member
Member # 34533
Default  Posted: 10:38 AM, May 23rd (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Why couldn't you pack up everything of his, put in storage. Then reserve one of those hotels that do weekly or monthly rates. With a kitchenette type setup. Have someone deliver all into and keys to him when he gets back. Change your locks.

Based on what you have said, you have the house, and he is now a tenant. If he actually wants to complain, it would be landlord/tenant law, and would most likely be small claims court. What are the chances he will pursue anything based on his history? If you go before a judge, you repeat his actions, and how you found a place for him, and his stuff. Really not much to complain about.

As for contact. I would nc his a$$. Document everything he has txt/emailed to you. Then wait for him to contact you regarding EOW.


Me BS
WS: Just a squished bug on the window of my life!
Divorcing, STBXH is engaged/living with OW#3

They have a choice: they can live in my new world, or they can die in their old one." Daenerys Targaryen


Posts: 669 | Registered: Jan 2012 | From: Must Survive
GotPlayed
♂ Member
Member # 41294
Default  Posted: 7:22 PM, May 23rd (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

If he lost his job because of his garnishment he can sue his employer. There's nothing that says you lose your job because of the garnishment. If you get $ from him, his "losing his job" is probably his way to avoid paying it. If this is the case, then he's projecting his own evil and guilt onto you again, in classic NPD fashion.

Keep a log of the texts and his responses. You offered time with the kid and he denied it with "X Y Z" at "XX hours on this date". Offer once or twice more (only via text or email) once things have calmed down to prove and establish a pattern.

It's not a man thing either. As a guy, I'm upset I have to give spousal to my cheater wife. I am not upset I have to give her child support. But no matter how upset I may be, I don't blame her for the law and California Guideline Calculator providing an amount that I think is too generous. The law is the law, and in the meantime I discuss with my L how we can eventually legally lower it (which means her getting a job, as I have my kids half the time). It simply is what it is. I simply don't mention it, live with it and chalk it to the price of the learning experience of "don't get involved with unremorseful people". But I continue coparenting.

Keep reminding yourself, all of this is the natural consequence of his actions. He's acting like a teenager about it, and the best course of action is to try not to react to it..

(((careerlady)))


Master of my Fate, Captain of my Soul.
BS 42, WW 41. 18y married
DD: 11/5/13
DS10 Autism, DD8
OM: Reformed wife-beater ex-con
D filed 1/14/14 by WW (never warn them, they'll get ahead)
Married a powder keg

Posts: 596 | Registered: Nov 2013 | From: California
Topic Posts: 13

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