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Divorce/Separation Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: how to tell the kids?
Lackingcourage
♀ Member
Member # 39394
Default  Posted: 9:28 PM, May 22nd (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Now that we have decided to D, we need to tell the kids. I realize the timing is never good for a situation such as this, but this timing really sucks. DD19 is still overseas, and is currently with the other kids in the year long program for their final gathering together. This is likely the last time she'll ever see most of them again. If she's like many 19 yr olds, it will be emotional and sad and profound. DS22 is about to board a train tomorrow morning to come home from the west coast (50 hours on board). There is no internet service on the train, so he will not be able to check emails. Our original plan was to email them both tonight, so that at least they would get the info at around the same time. Alternatively, we could wait until he gets home, tell him in person, and then email DD after she leaves all her friends. I know it is very important to her that she be kept informed of things in real time, not after the fact. DS will only be home for about 5 days before he leaves again for his summer job out of state then a semester abroad, so not much time for processing. I am so torn as to how to do this. I also have to deal with WS who wants to tell them both how it's his fault because he can't help but relate to people on a deeply personal level and that leads to problems but he likes that part of himself, etc. If the telling is done in writing, I have control, because I'm the one that will send the email. I told WS I didn't think it was appropriate for him to tell the kids his "excuse". Waiting for his response as I am trying to only communicate via email. Any advice?


BW 50
WS 50
DD -- which time?
Married 23 yrs, 2 kids 19 and 22
Reconciling maybe?-- Nope, false alarm. He continued to lie, I asked him to leave. Plan on divorce.

Posts: 59 | Registered: May 2013
Lackingcourage
♀ Member
Member # 39394
Default  Posted: 11:46 PM, May 22nd (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

So, several hours after I send edits of email to WS, he hasn't responded. Why am I continually surprised by this behavior (insert 2x4 here)? I have to go to bed. I actually need sleep whereas he thrives on sleep deprivation. This means no edits will be received before DS gets on train which means we now will be telling him in person which would maybe be a good thing unless WS decides to cloak his behavior under the guise of "I'm just so special that i relate to people in a deep way and then I have to sleep with them" as an excuse for his behavior.


BW 50
WS 50
DD -- which time?
Married 23 yrs, 2 kids 19 and 22
Reconciling maybe?-- Nope, false alarm. He continued to lie, I asked him to leave. Plan on divorce.

Posts: 59 | Registered: May 2013
dmari
♀ Member
Member # 37215
Default  Posted: 11:59 PM, May 22nd (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

No matter the child(ten)s age, it is so so hard. "Hard" isn't a strong enough word. I'm sorry that you find yourself in this position. Go get some sleep and hopefully you are up early enough to formulate your thoughts on telling DS in person. It is a 50 hour ride? That should give you some time. I will be thinking about you. Please post if you need advice and/or support regarding telling older children. (((((LC)))))


Me (BS): 42 Children: DD 18, DS 15
Settled at mediation
Officially divorced ... SOON!

Posts: 2140 | Registered: Oct 2012
Lackingcourage
♀ Member
Member # 39394
Default  Posted: 10:10 PM, May 23rd (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Well, yes, I would love advice, dmari. Especially now that we have to do it in person and I have no idea what WS is going to say. He has no boundaries, and I'm so afraid he's actually going to verbalize what he wrote in the original email. It will probably be ok if we stick to the assumingly pre-planned script but if our son asks questions, that's where the danger lies. I don't know that he will. He has been fairly even keeled about things thus far, at least in our presence. Or mine, I should say. I have no idea what conversations have taken place between him and his father. Not to mention the fact that I suffer from mild anxiety just having to be in the same room with WS, let alone having to give this news. Both kids know about some aspect of the affairs, but neither know everything. That, I suppose, makes it easier since it shouldn't be coming out of the blue. The point I really want our son to get is that this is not ok behavior, no matter how unhappy someone is and that just because his father and his paternal grandfather have engaged in this behavior, it is not normal (DS told me WS told him that the grandfather was a philanderer too. I am assuming WS also told DS that it was different in WS's case because he loved these women, grandad just slept around ). DS and WS are extremely close. I do not know how this will fall out. Any advice from anyone on how to tell older kids (22 and 19)?


BW 50
WS 50
DD -- which time?
Married 23 yrs, 2 kids 19 and 22
Reconciling maybe?-- Nope, false alarm. He continued to lie, I asked him to leave. Plan on divorce.

Posts: 59 | Registered: May 2013
dmari
♀ Member
Member # 37215
Default  Posted: 11:03 PM, May 23rd (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Perhaps it will be a tiny bit "easier" since the kids know aspects of the affair but I'm sure it's still going to be bad. It appears that your stbx is GREAT at minimizing and making excuses for his behavior. AND which, by the way, comes directly from the cheaters handbook. You can't control what your stbx is going to say so you need to be confident, firm and in control on how you are going to explain it.

Were you going to state that you and stbx are going to get divorced and wait and see if they have any questions? If DS asks why, are you going to state that the marriage vows were broken and in order to heal from the broken vows, both parties would need to be committed to reconciliation and unfortunately, that is not the case? Be honest in your answers. The kids don't need to distrust you too.

My children were younger than yours on their dday (DS was 13, DD had just turned 17). After doing a ton of reading on SI, I was able to tell them "the facts" and not blame. I guess I was lucky in a sense because stbx was too much of a coward to even say goodbye to them and just took off so I had the "privilege" of telling them myself.

How did you sleep? How many more hours until DS arrives home?


Me (BS): 42 Children: DD 18, DS 15
Settled at mediation
Officially divorced ... SOON!

Posts: 2140 | Registered: Oct 2012
Lackingcourage
♀ Member
Member # 39394
Default  Posted: 11:22 PM, May 23rd (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks, Dmari. Sleeping is a little iffy at this point, and I suspect it might get a little worse as time approaches. DS arrives Sunday around 7 in the evening, assuming his train is on time. I have a wedding reception to go to (where I will try to be happy for the lucky couple) so WS says he thinks he can pick DS up. I do trust WS enough to believe that he won't say anything at that point. He does keep talking about how we're a "team" in all of this. Not sure yet where DS will spend the night. Basically the story is that, while we still care for each other, what has happened between us is too much to overcome, but we love them both and will always both be available to them in whatever way they need. I would be fine with leaving out the "caring" part, because frankly, I couldn't give a S**t about him at this point, but that doesn't seem a good message to send to our mutual offspring, because as pissed as I am, I'm trying to respect that he is their father, and I shouldn't try to mess up that relationship. Actually, he already messed it up pretty badly with DD who is hardly communicating with him at this point anyway. I am trying really hard to find the balance between being honest and not totally going off on a rant about how many problems their father has. To make it even more nerve-wracking than it would naturally be, WS is such a smooth talker and always articulate, and I tend to freeze, especially around DS who his like his father in so many ways, but hopefully only the positive ones. Oh, and just to clarify, "affair" should be plural. DS knows of 2, but I accidentally forwarded an email between a friend and I which discussed "multiple affairs over many years" to DD because I forgot that that particular information was attached to the email thread I forwarded. oops.


BW 50
WS 50
DD -- which time?
Married 23 yrs, 2 kids 19 and 22
Reconciling maybe?-- Nope, false alarm. He continued to lie, I asked him to leave. Plan on divorce.

Posts: 59 | Registered: May 2013
dmari
♀ Member
Member # 37215
Default  Posted: 1:25 AM, May 24th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I would be fine with leaving out the "caring" part, because frankly, I couldn't give a S**t about him at this point,

I do trust WS enough to believe that he won't say anything at that point. He does keep talking about how we're a "team" in all of this.
I'm not sure why you would trust him about anything and I think WS has a "team" attitude so that he doesn't look like a complete douchey asshole in front of the kids, family, and friends. How can he if mom (you) are on his "team", right?

Take care of yourself, Lackingcourage. How are you taking care of YOU? What have you done to protect yourself in D? Try to get some sleep. You will need it. (((((LC)))))


Me (BS): 42 Children: DD 18, DS 15
Settled at mediation
Officially divorced ... SOON!

Posts: 2140 | Registered: Oct 2012
crazynot
♀ Member
Member # 24572
Default  Posted: 2:19 AM, May 24th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You tell them YOUR truth. And don't worry about your WH's minimising version coming out - they'll see right through that. Mine did, when my STBX tried to EXCUSE himself by saying 'I just fell in love, surely you can understand that?'. My daughter (then 18) told him he made her feel sick, and my son didn't speak to him for a year after he left. They all get on ok now. But they've NEVER seen OW, and won't. And they have taken my 'side' COMPLETELY, one hundred per cent, in all the 4 years since. You don't need to stress about this, really. The anger and hurt will ALL fall on him, whatever his relationship with them is or has been.


Me - 50
Him - 51
DDay 21 March 2009
Divorcing and delighted!

Do you want me to tell you something really subversive? Love is everything it's cracked up to be. That's why people are so cynical about it.


Posts: 855 | Registered: Jun 2009 | From: UK
Topic Posts: 8

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