Cheating Hurt by Infidelity
Betrayal Wayward Donations lying
Welcome

Forums

Guidelines

Find a Local Counselor

The Healing Library

Media

Contact Us
lies
cover
In Association with Amazon.com
Support
Infidelity -
-
Find a Local Couselor
like us on facebook
You are not logged in. Login here or register.
[Register]
Newest Member: Taurus43 (44230)

Divorce/Separation Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: Maybe my next relationship won't be toxic?
Pass
♂ Member
Member # 38122
Default  Posted: 9:05 PM, May 22nd (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Was talking to my shrink today. I said that I feel like I've made some huge improvements, but still have such a long way to go. He agreed that I've improved, but that a lot of it may be almost "geographical" in nature: I've moved away from what (who) was causing a lot of unhappiness.

First of all, this was cool because my shrink doesn't offer a lot of opinions - he's all about asking the probing questions - but he sort of acknowledged that there has been improvement, and that The Princess was a huge contributor to the level of problem I was having. Of course, we all know that I had a shitload of issues before I met her, but she made it WAY worse.

He is encouraging me to get to the root of my problems, so that whenever I do get in a new relationship, I won't be drawn to a similar type, and won't encourage her to walk all over me. Now, just because you encourage someone to walk all over you, doesn't mean they should. Bad people do that shit.

So we're looking at this stuff. I don't want to attract another predator, and I want to keep getting stronger. Maybe some day I'll even decide I'm a worthwhile person. baby steps, y'all.

No more online dating for me for a while until I sort out some more shit.

There's no question here. I'm just excited about what my shrink said, and feel like there could be some hope for the future. Yay.


Loyal spouse: Me; Disloyal spouse: The Princess
Two sons: Now 11 and 14
DDay: Nov 15, 2012
Separated: Mar 2, 2013 after married 17 years, now divorcing!

The best thing about hitting rock bottom is that everything after that looks fucking fabulous


Posts: 1666 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: Ottawa, Ontario, Canada
MadeOfScars
♂ Member
Member # 42231
Default  Posted: 10:04 PM, May 22nd (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Stepping away from your situation, I mean really stepping away and looking at it as almost a 3rd party objective witness, it can be powerful. It sounds very much like your shrink is taking you to that place, and that's a good thing. You seem to have your head on quite straight considering what you've been through. You should be excited.

Maybe some day I'll even decide I'm a worthwhile person. baby steps, y'all
.

Brother, trust me, you are a worthwhile person.


"Experience is a brutal teacher, but you learn. My God, do you learn." - C.S. Lewis

Posts: 862 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: Texas
Pass
♂ Member
Member # 38122
Default  Posted: 10:55 AM, May 23rd (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks, MadeOfScars. Went into my appointment feeling like shit, but I usually walk out feeling much better. Most times that I walk in feeling like shit, I feel a little less shit than I did the time before. There may be a hint of a light at the end of this tunnel.


Loyal spouse: Me; Disloyal spouse: The Princess
Two sons: Now 11 and 14
DDay: Nov 15, 2012
Separated: Mar 2, 2013 after married 17 years, now divorcing!

The best thing about hitting rock bottom is that everything after that looks fucking fabulous


Posts: 1666 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: Ottawa, Ontario, Canada
norabird
♀ Member
Member # 42092
Default  Posted: 11:02 AM, May 23rd (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Just keep working on you. Once you're in a good place, then you will be able to work on finding a good relationship, and will have a better chance of doing so too!


Sit. Feast on your life.

Posts: 3687 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: NYC
tesla
♀ Member
Member # 34697
Default  Posted: 10:15 PM, May 23rd (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

This is great progress, pass.

I know I worry about this for myself when I start to date someday. There is a reason that I attracted ex-shat and went in for our toxic relationship. It's tough work to get to the root of it (I've yet to even attempt it...).


"Thou art the son and heir of a mongrel bitch." --King Lear

Posts: 4542 | Registered: Jan 2012 | From: Indiana
Pass
♂ Member
Member # 38122
Default  Posted: 7:40 AM, May 24th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks, y'all. I went on a first date a few nights ago, and at the end of the date said "Let's not do this again" (not my exact words, of course), for these reasons (didn't tell her the reasons):

1. She kept harping on me for not eating my vegetables. Seriously? I'm 44. Old enough to know better, and stupid enough to not care. You already think it's your right and responsibility to do this?

2. I have one free night per week: Wednesday. All other nights are filled with music or my kids. I was sitting there resenting her for not being Wednesday-worthy - and DEFINITELY not worth missing one of my music nights. I just wasn't getting the warm, fuzzy feeling from her.

3. On a street that is filled with pubs, she chose the most expensive one. Most meals were over $20! Fish and chips + a glass of wine came to $31 + tax + tip. I'm looking for someone who is happy with the simple things, since I've already had a Princess (and dated a few before I met THE Princess).

Some of that may sound like I'm being a little immature and judgy - and yep, like I said, I'm working on me with my shrink - but obviously I haven't been judgy enough in the past. Until I'm totally healed (does that really happen?), I think that may be the best way to protect myself from my own bad judgement.

[This message edited by Pass at 7:41 AM, May 24th, 2014 (Saturday)]


Loyal spouse: Me; Disloyal spouse: The Princess
Two sons: Now 11 and 14
DDay: Nov 15, 2012
Separated: Mar 2, 2013 after married 17 years, now divorcing!

The best thing about hitting rock bottom is that everything after that looks fucking fabulous


Posts: 1666 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: Ottawa, Ontario, Canada
SBB
♀ Member
Member # 35229
Default  Posted: 10:17 AM, May 24th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

"Geographical" reminds me of this quote.

I don't think the sad clown was toxic all on his own. There was a point where I ceased being a victim and became a volunteer instead. That point was many years before DD.

The sad clown didn't cause my issues but the toxic situation I was in (shit husband, ninja emotional abuser) triggered some old coping mechanisms that worked for me as a child in my toxic FOO.

I don't believe the danger lurks "out there" - I think it is within me. I won't be ready for a relationship until I grieve this and heal myselfand my broken heart.

I was at a party last week and I was asked why I'm not in a relationship (AKA you're so awesome, what's wrong with you that you are single?) - I've been asked before but it kind of caught me off guard as we were standing in a big group having a great laugh.

The first thing that came out of my mouth was "because I'm still heartbroken" and a few of them laughed out loud thinking I was joking (they've only ever seen my 'I didn't like his girlfriends' face). I said "No really - I am. I don't want that guy - I don't even want the guy I thought I married. Doesn't mean I'm not still heartbroken."

You don't think you're a worthwhile person? Clean your lens. friend. You're funny, thoughtful and you have a good heart - you can't deny any of those. I'm sure you're a whole lot more too but you get the worthwhile stamp just by having a good heart. Sheesh. What more do you want?


Buzz- The word you are searching for is 'Space-Ranger.'
Woody- The word I'm searching for, I can't say, because there are Pre-school toys here.

Posts: 5401 | Registered: Apr 2012 | From: Australia
phmh
♀ Member
Member # 34146
Default  Posted: 10:47 AM, May 24th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm so glad you're taking some time off from dating and working on yourself first. I really believe that's key to not having another toxic relationship.

Down in NB all the time we see people posting about relationships with so many red flags that they just explain away -- because they haven't done the healing and work you're doing. And there's a good chance they're going to wind up in a relationship that's as bad as or even worse than the one that originally brought them to SI. Old patterns can be hard to break.

You won't regret the time you spend working on yourself, being single, learning to be fabulous again.

And someday you will find an amazing lady, she will appreciate the time you took for yourself, and you won't even believe how good a healthy, positive relationship can be.


Me: BW, divorced, now fabulous and happy!

Married: 11 years, no kids

The greater danger for most of us lies not in setting our aim too high and falling short; but in setting our aim too low, and achieving our mark. -Michelangelo


Posts: 3266 | Registered: Dec 2011
Pass
♂ Member
Member # 38122
Default  Posted: 11:40 AM, May 24th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

There was a point where I ceased being a victim and became a volunteer instead. That point was many years before DD.

Yep. Unfortunately, that was VERY early in the process for me. It was even before we got married. I saw that she was constantly flirting, and that she could be quite mean once in a while. I chose to ignore these because she was just so damn lovable (read as "I was just so damn needy".

You don't think you're a worthwhile person? Clean your lens. friend. You're funny, thoughtful and you have a good heart

Thanks. The good news is that it doesn't make me cry anymore when someone says nice shit about me. I'm slowly getting used to the fact that my life isn't a long string of put-downs anymore.

and you won't even believe how good a healthy, positive relationship can be.

That, on the other hand, can still make me tear up. A healthy positive relationship is all I ever wanted. I thought I had it, but I wasn't even close.


Loyal spouse: Me; Disloyal spouse: The Princess
Two sons: Now 11 and 14
DDay: Nov 15, 2012
Separated: Mar 2, 2013 after married 17 years, now divorcing!

The best thing about hitting rock bottom is that everything after that looks fucking fabulous


Posts: 1666 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: Ottawa, Ontario, Canada
Topic Posts: 9

Return to Forum: Divorce/Separation Post Reply to this Topic
adultry
Go to :
madness  
© 2002 - 2014 SurvivingInfidelity.com. All Rights Reserved.