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Newest Member: leftfordust (44208)

Divorce/Separation Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: I am sooooo pissed at myself!!!!
LeftOutintheCold
♀ Member
Member # 42856
Default  Posted: 3:52 PM, May 22nd (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My son and his girlfriend just found out this week that they are expecting their first child. I told everyone, including my stepson, who I still consider my other son. Today, I get an angry text from WH stating that he guessed I wasn't going to tell him??

Instead of ignoring it, I responded immediately that I didn't think that he wanted to know anything about my life anymore since he walked out. That it was never in my plans to not include him in my life and what was happening with "our" kids, but he changed that story when he left. I haven't cried in a month and now I'm sitting here crying my eyes out. I was doing so well, but that one text was enough to bring all those feelings of how I wish it wasn't this way. I didn't want to be without him. I wanted more than anything to be able to talk to him every day about our work days and life in general.

Why did it take just one text to totally tear me apart again??? I was doing so very well and thought I had it under control. This situation is of his making, HIS choice, not mine. But I though I was doing better at moving forward with accepting this new reality of separation.

Of course, I couldn't just stop with those texts, I figured since he was being nosy about my life, I asked him some about him and his new job. (I mean, I am worried about him continuing to pay bills here). And, because I fell so low and let all my defenses down, I even asked if we could get dinner together to actually talk about "our future" - meaning, how long is he planning on paying for this house, for my car, etc.... I thought maybe a public place would be a good idea to try to discuss things that he has so far refused to even address with me. Silly, stupid me for evening thinking that!!!! He had excuses. I knew better!!! I am so freaking pissed at myself for even doing that!!!!!

I need to get my head back on straight and just continue on this new single path of mine just like I was. Damn my heart!!!


Me - 42
WH - 40
Dday - 3/6/14
Married 5yrs, together over 10
Status - still separated

Posts: 323 | Registered: Mar 2014
SBB
♀ Member
Member # 35229
Default  Posted: 4:21 PM, May 22nd (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Oh honey, your DD is so very recent. Cut yourself some slack. The next time you want to break NC you'll remember how you feel right now. Ok - maybe not the next time but one day you will.

Most of us are not great at it for a while. Acceptance takes a long time too. There are no shortcuts - the only way through it is through it. Grief is not a straight line - I was livid when I realised I covered the same ground over and over again. I too thought I had it under control or had dealt with X stage of grief and was devastated when 'old' issues reared their ugly heads again.

It took a year post DD for my own BS fog to lift completely.

Please know in a year from now it won't hurt anywhere near as much.

Right now you're still reeling from shock, disbelief and grief. Old habits are hard to break. I had turned to this guy for all of my good news and my bad news for almost a decade. When he contacted me it felt unnatural to not respond.

Dust yourself off and get back on the NC wagon. Next time you feel the urge post your responses here instead of to him - we can talk you off the ledge. We may even help you come up with responses that are as funny as hell.

Congratulations - I can't wait to be a grandma!!


Buzz- The word you are searching for is 'Space-Ranger.'
Woody- The word I'm searching for, I can't say, because there are Pre-school toys here.

Posts: 5392 | Registered: Apr 2012 | From: Australia
ButterflyGirl
♀ Member
Member # 38377
Default  Posted: 4:29 PM, May 22nd (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm curious if this is his son too, but whether it is or not, the son could have told him if he wanted to. It was probably your son's decision anyway whether he wanted your WH to know..

It was NOT your responsibility to inform your WH of anything here.. He just threw a mantrum like a little baby not liking the consequences of his actions.

Just ignore that fool next time. Don't worry, it gets easier.

I changed my exes contact name on my phone and email to "Baiting Me." It reminded to think if I really needed to engage with him or not..


xBW~ 35
Two of the most darling sons ~ 10 and 6

Posts: 1990 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: Florida, USA
freeatlast72
♀ Member
Member # 42758
Default  Posted: 4:48 PM, May 22nd (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It does get easier with time....your DD was just in March you will have these roller coaster feelings, and you know what that is ok! That is the way to begin healing......

Just get back on the NC horse and take it one day at a time....sometimes one hour at a time. Go out with friends, and just take care of yourself!

((LeftOutintheCold))


BS:41 (me)
WH: 41
Kids: DD6
DDay: 12/31/2013
Married 15 years
Separated as of 01/16/2014,now divorcing...WH did not want to reconcile.

You can't rationalize irrational behavior.


Posts: 135 | Registered: Mar 2014 | From: North Carolina
LeftOutintheCold
♀ Member
Member # 42856
Default  Posted: 6:14 PM, May 22nd (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks y'all! We didn't have any kids together. He has two and I have my one son. This is my son who has the baby coming. That is exciting.

I KNEW better than to respond, especially to ask about meeting up. Oh well, I shall strive to not let it happen again. However, I do feel it was only fair to tell him that I didn't think what happened in my life mattered anymore since he walked away from me. But, dammit, why did it even matter to him that I didn't tell him?? Why contact me out of the blue?? I was doing awesome with myself and getting through each day just fine.

Next time, I WILL post here first before I automatically respond to him!!!


Me - 42
WH - 40
Dday - 3/6/14
Married 5yrs, together over 10
Status - still separated

Posts: 323 | Registered: Mar 2014
justme1264
♂ Member
Member # 42890
Default  Posted: 6:21 PM, May 22nd (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I don't have much advice. My DD is very close to yours. I understand what you are feeling. I get angry at myself for opening up my heart again to me stbxww. I get your frustration...just know you are not alone.


Me: BH
Her: STBXWW
Married 4 years
Final DD July 2014
False R May-July 2014
Filed for D-May 2014
Done with her July 2014

Posts: 137 | Registered: Mar 2014 | From: justme1264
LeftOutintheCold
♀ Member
Member # 42856
Default  Posted: 6:30 PM, May 22nd (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks Justme.


Me - 42
WH - 40
Dday - 3/6/14
Married 5yrs, together over 10
Status - still separated

Posts: 323 | Registered: Mar 2014
bent44
♀ Member
Member # 31386
Default  Posted: 6:41 PM, May 22nd (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Please cut yourself some slack. This thing is one step forward two steps back.

I had a moment in the shower this morning thinking about some issue or another, and found myself asking ..."How do you want to feel on the other side of this? ", and worked backwards from there to plan my course of action.

I certainly can't always do this, but the times I can, it seems to help.

Know deep in your soul that we all stumble on this path. Pick yourself up as gracefully as you can, forgive yourself, and know next time you will be stronger. Most of us do our best learning through pain. At least that's what " they " say. I should be brilliant by now.


"If you marry a chicken, don't expect an eagle."


I don't know if my chicken will ever become an eagle. But rest assured, I'm going to be a phoenix. Nevermind that I am still in the ashes stage of the process.

Update...he


Posts: 673 | Registered: Mar 2011 | From: California
Gemini71
♀ Member
Member # 40115
Default  Posted: 7:13 PM, May 22nd (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It was NOT your responsibility to inform your WH of anything here.. He just threw a mantrum like a little baby not liking the consequences of his actions.

ButterflyGirl nailed it. I know it's hard. Next time he contacts you, give him crickets unless it's about finances. And even then, no dinners together. As some wise soul once said, "He is NOT your friend. Repeat until you believe it."


Edited to correct stupid typos.

Two steps forward and one step backwards, is still progress.


Posts: 1509 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: Illinois, USA
dmari
♀ Member
Member # 37215
Default  Posted: 7:18 PM, May 22nd (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((((LOINC))))) Please please don't be so hard on yourself!! You are so fresh from your dday and the fact that you acknowledge that your response wasn't beneficial to you, you posted here.

In the beginning, I remember a "conversation" between stbx and I that was so stupid and emotionally charged and resulted in absolutely NOTHING. But I learned from my mistake and it never happened again. Rookie mistake.

Continue to focus on you ~ NC toward him. I hope you have seen an attorney to discuss your D. Don't bother talking to him about finances. FTG.


Me (BS): 42 Children: DD 18, DS 15
Mediation date: 7/10/14 and 7/22/14
Final final court date: Oct 2014

Posts: 2108 | Registered: Oct 2012
LeftOutintheCold
♀ Member
Member # 42856
Default  Posted: 7:18 PM, May 22nd (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Bent - you are right. Thanks for your tip - it's a different way to look at things.


Me - 42
WH - 40
Dday - 3/6/14
Married 5yrs, together over 10
Status - still separated

Posts: 323 | Registered: Mar 2014
justinpaintoday
♂ Member
Member # 42858
Default  Posted: 9:07 PM, May 22nd (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Left: girl u r rocking it out. Bad day? Ok but dont beat urself up too bad. Look how far u have come. I am super proud of u. We joined about the same time and it is obvious u r getting stronger.


I never realized you could be in this much pain and not be dying.

Posts: 700 | Registered: Mar 2014
JT4588
♀ Member
Member # 42971
Default  Posted: 10:55 PM, May 22nd (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It is so hard not to slip back into old habits. Sometimes the longing to return to them is so strong but we know better. You just had an off day and let your guard down. Your DDay isn't that long ago. You're still going to have tender feelings I think. But, get back to NC and show that guy who the boss is here - YOU!!! You have control of your life and you are rockin' it!!

Posts: 63 | Registered: Apr 2014
norabird
♀ Member
Member # 42092
Default  Posted: 8:31 AM, May 23rd (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

((((LeftOutInTheCold)))))

It's hard not to react when the buttons are pressed. You will get better. You're already learning. Realize that what he does is not your business or concern anymore, and try your best to let go. Acceptance is really a struggle but you will get there slowly. Be kind to yourself right now. I'm sorry you were set back, but it really is part of healing.

ETA: Congrats on the news!

[This message edited by norabird at 8:31 AM, May 23rd (Friday)]


Sit. Feast on your life.

Posts: 3608 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: NYC
LeftOutintheCold
♀ Member
Member # 42856
Default  Posted: 1:10 PM, May 23rd (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Yes, I do have to remember that he's not my friend anymore!!!! He's not anything to me anymore!!!!

Thanks to everyone for the support and reminding me of the facts!! I am feeling better today about how I reacted yesterday.

I have seen a lawyer and I do have plans in place to move forward with jobs to take care of myself and eventually be self-sufficient enough to move on and D his ass. I just have to remember all of that and keep on that path. I was cognizant enough to NOT tell him any about MY plans or my jobs I've secured. Just like everything else now, it's none of his business. I was just so shocked that he texted me out of the blue about the baby news and his obvious anger at not being told. I mean, really, why does he care to know???

He did contact me and tell me we could meet for lunch over the weekend and I told him that it wasn't necessary. I do know when AND IF he ever truly wants to talk to me, he will come to me. Nothing is going to come from me asking for anything out of him right now - that was obvious from the text exchange yesterday. Seeing him right now isn't worth the pain it would cause either.


Me - 42
WH - 40
Dday - 3/6/14
Married 5yrs, together over 10
Status - still separated

Posts: 323 | Registered: Mar 2014
Topic Posts: 15

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