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Newest Member: whathappensnext (45075)

Divorce/Separation Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: Her H doesn't want to know
staystrong101
♀ Member
Member # 41068
Default  Posted: 2:11 PM, May 22nd (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It's been a year since DDay. Too long to get into all the details here.. D was final 3 mos ago. I have never regretted the D. I knew I had no other choice. In many ways my life is better now. MY XWH got caught with OW #1 when he sent very explicit sexual text to OW #1 and it accidentally went to DD17 and me. My XWH admitted to A with OW#1 for at least 5 years. Later, he also admitted to OW#2 and OW#3 for about a year each. Recently I have learned there was most likely an OW #4 - along with many other inappropriate incidents/attempts with others that people still tell me about. All of this was going on while I was working full time and raising 4 kids alone. I knew he was out drinking but I didn't know about the women. I filed for D pretty quickly, mainly because I knew he was still lying to me. He tried to tell me that none of the A's were PA. He said he and OW #1 met in hotel rooms, deserted parking lots, and met at parks. They sexted often. But they only "just talked" when they met in person, never even kissed, because they would have felt too guilty to "cross that line." Well any reasonable adult knows that's complete BS. When I asked her H to meet me for coffee after DDay, he told me he actually caught them 3.5 years ago when he saw her phone. But he agreed not to tell me if they would end it. She just went out and got a secret phone, and they continued (80-100 texts/day). Her H told me as long as it was "just EA" and not PA, he was willing to let it go. This is her 3rd A. She is also an alcoholic and they've been in MC for years. He said he doesn't want D because he travels for work and would have to quit his job. Also he doesn't want to hurt their kids by letting them know the truth about their mom. He said he doesn't believe it was PA, because she knows that would be the deal breaker for him. I know this is why my XWH lied to me. He knew our 24 year M was on the line and I was asking for the full truth. He told me he loved me and begged me to let him come back, yet he continued to lie to protect OW. He did say "whatever happened in the hotel and the parked cars didn't mean anything anyway." That's the closest he got to admitting it was PA. Let me just say I am not an angry person. Yes, I have had many moments of rage, sadness and fear over the past year. But in many ways I am happier than ever. Today I am having some anger, as I think about her staying with her H. Her marriage is still intact bc her H has been willing to sweep it under the rug and doesn't want to know the truth. In our community, it appears they are working things out, and the A must not have been that big of a deal. She has told friends of mine that my XWH and I had problems for years, and they were just texting as friends, but I'm a jealous and insecure person and didn't want him to have female friends, so it was the last straw in our fragile marriage. All lies. So, I'm tempted to text her H now, a year later, and say something like. "So, it's been a year. Do you still want to believe it wasn't PA? Do you still think they were just talking in those hotel rooms and deserted parking lots? When you're ready to hear the truth, let me know." I know I should let it go. I know I am better off without my cheating, lying XWH in my life. My 4 kids are doing well. But in some ways I am still angry bc it seems she is still getting away with it. I would probably look pathetic if I contacted him a year later. I feel better after typing it out, so thanks for reading. Do you think I should text her H or let it go?

Posts: 90 | Registered: Oct 2013 | From: United States
9years
♀ Member
Member # 21212
Default  Posted: 2:23 PM, May 22nd (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Imo just leave it, we all know he's just refusing to deal with his situation. Glad you feel better getting it out


Just say yes to the rest

Posts: 1929 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: BC, Canada
slicerboy
♂ Member
Member # 22202
Default  Posted: 2:36 PM, May 22nd (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I don't believe that it wasn't a PA.


Me: Realizing my worth
Her: Escaping

Two children, innocent victims (14 & 15)

When I look back, we both hurt each other in so many ways and our lack of honesty and maturity coupled with poor communication led us to where we are today


Posts: 810 | Registered: Dec 2008 | From: Minneapolis
9years
♀ Member
Member # 21212
Default  Posted: 2:39 PM, May 22nd (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Nope, me either


Just say yes to the rest

Posts: 1929 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: BC, Canada
Kajem
♀ Member
Member # 36134
Default  Posted: 2:59 PM, May 22nd (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm willing to bet most people she tells that BS to also know it isn't true. Just like they do with my XH and NW, they nod and let the dynamic duo of dysfunction believe their own lies.

Don't bother sending it. If he really wanted to protect his kids from the fallout - he would be the one contacting you.

Hugs,
K


I trust you is a better compliment than I love you, because you may not trust the person you love, but you can always love the person you trust. - Unknown
Relationships are like sharing a book, it doesn't work if you're not on the same page.

Posts: 5162 | Registered: Jul 2012 | From: Florida
Kajem
♀ Member
Member # 36134
Default  Posted: 2:59 PM, May 22nd (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm willing to bet most people she tells that BS to also know it isn't true. Just like they do with my XH and NW, they nod and let the dynamic duo of dysfunction believe their own lies.

Don't bother sending it. If he really wanted to protect his kids from the fallout - he would be the one contacting you.

Hugs,
K


I trust you is a better compliment than I love you, because you may not trust the person you love, but you can always love the person you trust. - Unknown
Relationships are like sharing a book, it doesn't work if you're not on the same page.

Posts: 5162 | Registered: Jul 2012 | From: Florida
ddame23
♀ Member
Member # 40407
Default  Posted: 3:37 PM, May 22nd (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'd be angry too about how the AP is rewriting history, but try to not let her have too much headroom. As for her H- He made his position clear and his reasons are pretty similar to mine- stay for the kids, etc... He knows what he is married to I doubt she is fooling him one bit. He seems to have valid reasons for staying. At least valid for him. Sometimes the monster we know is less scary than the unknown.
If you do decide to contact him, maybe you could point him to SI so he can maybe get some support for himself and see that he isn't alone.

[This message edited by ddame23 at 3:38 PM, May 22nd (Thursday)]



D-Day April 18 2013
The whole Truth 7/21/14
Spoke (wrote) too soon more TT 7/23/14
I can't even put into words...


Posts: 58 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: Coastal Empire, GA
betrayedidiot
♀ Member
Member # 42868
Default  Posted: 4:18 PM, May 22nd (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I can see why the unfairness of this nags at you. And it sounds like you are just still upset that you never got the full truth from your X. That lack of closure is hard and may be something that you have to deal with in IC.

It is not your concern what her BH chooses to do though. You made sure he knew, and that is the only role you need to have. Consider how contacting him with YOUR concerns may actually hurt him. You are letting the past take up head space. You need to let this go. Why continue to hold on to this and why are you even checking up on them after all this time? Celebrate your new freedom after D and continue to enjoy and build your better life!


Me: BS
Married almost 20 years
2 year EA and 1 month PA
DD-16
D-Day: 01/14/14
Separated and divorcing

Posts: 92 | Registered: Mar 2014 | From: TX
staystrong101
♀ Member
Member # 41068
Default  Posted: 9:22 AM, May 23rd (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Many thanks for the responses. I'm in a better place today, and I know I need to let it go. I agree that anyone who knows me (and knows her) would know that she is lying about the A. It does bother me that XWH continued to lie to me, even while crying that he loves me and begging me to stay with him. Obviously it was a PA, but her H doesn't want to know the truth. She is making a fool out of him but it's his choice to allow it. I know I'm better off as I move on with my life. Good luck everyone.

Posts: 90 | Registered: Oct 2013 | From: United States
Topic Posts: 9

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