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Newest Member: conflictedcolleg (44943)

Divorce/Separation Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: Need refresher course in letting go of resentment
phmh
♀ Member
Member # 34146
Default  Posted: 6:43 AM, May 22nd (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

hoya, I've posted before about this seminar I had to go to for work and how it's helped me so much, in so many aspects of my life. I tell everyone IRL about it, too. It's so simple and obvious, but it was what I needed to hear, summed up all succinctly.

When you're faced with a difficult/stressful situation, you have three choices:

1. Accept it
2. Change it
3. Be miserable.

Obviously, no one wants to do #3, so I will often find myself repeating "Accept It or Change It" to myself. Then I take some deep breaths and move on.

That doesn't mean that you can't be angry in the short term, but as you've posted above, it's not productive to let something like this ruin your day.

Yes, he is a giant d-bag. You know that. He's never going to change. Certainly nothing you (the only person you control) say/do will ever get him to be a decent guy.

So you either have to find a way to accept it, or you choose to be miserable.

Finding a way to accept it may be tougher, but IMO the better path!

Good luck!


Me: BW, divorced, now fabulous and happy!

Married: 11 years, no kids

The greater danger for most of us lies not in setting our aim too high and falling short; but in setting our aim too low, and achieving our mark. -Michelangelo


Posts: 3359 | Registered: Dec 2011
hoya96
♀ Member
Member # 28851
Default  Posted: 7:10 AM, May 22nd (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank you phmh - that's a great short mantra!


Me: 40 and fabulous!
3 children ages 10, 12 and 14
Ex said he wanted separation 2/14/10
DDay #1: 5/23/10 18 month affair with his 22 yr old paralegal
DDay #2 9/22/10 my best friend, now his wife
Divorced: 12/10/10
Re-married a wonderful man.

Posts: 325 | Registered: Jun 2010
hexed
♀ Member
Member # 19258
Default  Posted: 7:49 AM, May 22nd (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

why are you sending the kids to private school? does he feel its a better choice than the public schools? If he's not willing to contribute 1/3 of the cost woudl he be willing to cover any of the cost?


But that's just a lot of water
Underneath a bridge I burned
And there's no use in backtracking
Around corners I have turned

“Many of us crucify ourselves between two thieves - regret for the past and fear of the future.” -foulton oursler


Posts: 8440 | Registered: Apr 2008
hoya96
♀ Member
Member # 28851
Default  Posted: 8:12 AM, May 22nd (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

why are you sending the kids to private school? does he feel its a better choice than the public schools? If he's not willing to contribute 1/3 of the cost woudl he be willing to cover any of the cost?

There are a variety of reasons, but the short answer is that it is far superior to the public schools in TX, and as a faculty member, I receive partial tuition remission automatically (not to mention the benefits of having my 3 kids in the same building as me - my colleagues have known them since they were younger and look out for them). It is an excellent independent prek-12 school.

Ex agrees it is in their best interest to be at this school, and that it is an excellent education (I have this in writing from him). He has never argued that they should attend the school.

He used to split tuition with me for the first 2 years post-divorce. Once he married OW, he scaled back to 1/3. Now he says he has none to contribute. He has also refused to share summer camp costs, athletic and extracurricular fees, school supply fees, etc, since he married her.

He pays child support regularly as it is garnished from his paycheck. He is required by decree to split OOP medical expenses, which he does, albeit not always in the decreed timeframe (I get it eventually).


Me: 40 and fabulous!
3 children ages 10, 12 and 14
Ex said he wanted separation 2/14/10
DDay #1: 5/23/10 18 month affair with his 22 yr old paralegal
DDay #2 9/22/10 my best friend, now his wife
Divorced: 12/10/10
Re-married a wonderful man.

Posts: 325 | Registered: Jun 2010
hummingbird8
♀ Member
Member # 25086
Default  Posted: 12:11 PM, May 22nd (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

How is it a lie? He said he doesn't have money for private school. Maybe he would rather spend his money to take the kids on a vacation. And if he paid for private school couldn't afford both. I don't see where he lied.

Posts: 504 | Registered: Aug 2009
hoya96
♀ Member
Member # 28851
Default  Posted: 12:41 PM, May 22nd (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

How is it a lie? He said he doesn't have money for private school. Maybe he would rather spend his money to take the kids on a vacation. And if he paid for private school couldn't afford both. I don't see where he lied.

Really? You don't think telling the kids that he wants to pay money for their private school education, but "just doesn't have it" followed by spending money for a vacation doesn't fall under a lie? I agree he is clearly *choosing* to spend his money differently (which he's entitled to do), but to frame it that he's too broke, when it's a choice, seems disingenuous.

Most importantly (regardless of your vs my interpretation) my children are seeing it as dishonesty. My oldest already struggles with his father's categorical denial of the affair, as well as several other lies - this is just the latest in a long line.

Thank you to those of you who provided me with some great strategies for moving past this. I'm going to work on those.


Me: 40 and fabulous!
3 children ages 10, 12 and 14
Ex said he wanted separation 2/14/10
DDay #1: 5/23/10 18 month affair with his 22 yr old paralegal
DDay #2 9/22/10 my best friend, now his wife
Divorced: 12/10/10
Re-married a wonderful man.

Posts: 325 | Registered: Jun 2010
Can Not Believe
♀ New Member
Member # 30508
Default  Posted: 4:00 PM, May 23rd (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hoya

I just read your thread and I agree with you wholeheartedly. I think your situation is particularly heinous in that he betrayed you with your best friend, marries her, and on top of that - that person then tries to insert themselves in your life, your job, your children's extra-curricular activities - basically deliberately flaunting it in front of your face.

I have always admired how you manage to handle all of that. Now the latest, well - you are only human.

I admire you also for bringing it to his attention. A lot of times, the BS is always expected to take the higher road. Well - I have found that by always taking the higher road - sometimes gives some people the leeway to act even more outrageous. Sometimes you have to call it what it is.

If this is not too personal - how did your kids handle Mother's day with her? Did they acknowledge her or do anything special for her? I remember one thread where the ex-husband had the kids spend their OWN money on the step-mother and did not acknowledge the actual mother.

I am glad that your oldest is finally seeing the truth of what is going on - and I feel this is just the beginning as your kids get older - for them to know what is really going on and maybe bursting the bubble of this sick - demented couple.

Can Not Believe


I cannot believe this is a part of my life.

Me: BW - 62 FWH - 62 years old
Married: 41+ years 2 sons (34 & 30)
Possible OC: 32 years old/29 at the time
DD: Friday - August 13, 2010
OC refused paternity test
No Contact since June/2011


Posts: 50 | Registered: Dec 2010 | From: New Jersey
Topic Posts: 27
Pages: 1 · 2

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