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User Topic: Need refresher course in letting go of resentment
hoya96
♀ Member
Member # 28851
Default  Posted: 8:04 AM, May 21st (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

For the most part, I have gotten really good at letting go of resentment and anger at ex and OW. I've even compartmentalized them being at my workplace (our children's school) on a regular basis, and rarely let it upset me.

So I'm surprised at my really strong feelings of resentment right now, and would love some suggestions or just words of encouragement on processing the latest.

Ex informed me a couple months ago that he would no longer contribute to the kids' private school tuition. He makes over double my salary, but said he "just doesn't have the money". I receive a LOT of aid as a faculty member, but still owe a good amount for them to attend. Through teaching summer school, a recent promotion, and my wonderful husband's (stepfather to kids) help, we're going to swing the expense on our own.

The kids just informed me that their Dad is renting an RV this summer and taking them on a big Grand Canyon trip (something I was hoping to do with them in the next few years).

I know this is not surprising.
I know this is par for the course for Disneyland dads who claim to be broke.
I know there is nothing I can do, and that my anger and resentment is all on me.

I know all that, so I'm really surprised at how resentful I feel about this. I want to let it go. Any suggestions?


Me: 40 and fabulous!
3 children ages 10, 12 and 14
Ex said he wanted separation 2/14/10
DDay #1: 5/23/10 18 month affair with his 22 yr old paralegal
DDay #2 9/22/10 my best friend, now his wife
Divorced: 12/10/10
Re-married a wonderful man.

Posts: 317 | Registered: Jun 2010
Chrysalis123
♀ Member
Member # 27148
Default  Posted: 8:44 AM, May 21st (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi Hoya.

I am sorry he is being a jerk again. Is there nothing you can do legally to force him to pay tuition?

I don't know how to not feel resentment at all. I think it is something that is worked through. In my case, in the beginning of the divorce my resentful feelings lasted longer. It took me longer to bounce back from the incidents.

Now, 6 years post divorce I have accepted he is a complete jerk and does awful things to the kids and me. There is nothing I can do to stop it either. How does one stop a tornado? You don't...

So I try to protect myself through being aware of times when he may pull his crap. I do certain things to try to assure our protection from the fall-out. And I focus on my life...not the crap he pulls.

I am more successful than I used to be at not feeling resentful. But I still fall off the wagon. The difference is I now hop right back on quickly.


Donít get to the end of your life and find that you lived only the length of it; live the width of it as well.†

Posts: 2654 | Registered: Jan 2010
hoya96
♀ Member
Member # 28851
Default  Posted: 8:53 AM, May 21st (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank you for your response.

No, there's nothing I can do. I did meet with my lawyer, but he says that even though ex makes much more than me, it's not on the scale where a judge in Texas would require him to pay private school tuition.

I'm sure I will move past it (and you're right, I am able to let go MUCH more quickly now than a few years ago) it's just taking me by surprise how upset I am. I accepted that he is not supporting his children's education - I think it's the immediate flaunting of using that money for a vacation with the OW and her kids (and my kids) while I'm stressing about drumline fees and soccer registration and summer reading lists.

It just seems like one more injustice, and he knows I will always take care of the kids, so I'm continually taken advantage of.


Me: 40 and fabulous!
3 children ages 10, 12 and 14
Ex said he wanted separation 2/14/10
DDay #1: 5/23/10 18 month affair with his 22 yr old paralegal
DDay #2 9/22/10 my best friend, now his wife
Divorced: 12/10/10
Re-married a wonderful man.

Posts: 317 | Registered: Jun 2010
gonnabe2016
♀ Member
Member # 34823
Default  Posted: 9:56 AM, May 21st (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm not *reading* this as resentment so much as justified anger at an asshole for being an asshole.

You just found out that he gave you a 'twisty-truth' and it has pissed you off. Isn't anger a natural response to being lied to and taken advantage of?


"Oh, what a tangled web we weave when first we practice to deceive." - Sir Walter Scott

In my effort to be *concise*, I often come off as blunt and harsh. Sorry, don't mean to be offensive.


Posts: 7944 | Registered: Feb 2012 | From: Midwest
hoya96
♀ Member
Member # 28851
Default  Posted: 10:10 AM, May 21st (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Gonnabe2016 - but is it helpful for me to be angry about something I can't control? Shouldn't I be used to his selfish choices by now? It's not like this is new behavior (well, him not contributing ANYTHING is new. Until now he's paid 1/3 and I have paid 2/3 of their tuition). Do I have a right to judge and be angry about him choosing a vacation over private school tuition?

Those aren't rhetorical - this is what I'm grappling with. I've come so far in accepting what I can't change and controlling only what I can ... I think that's why I'm thrown for a loop by how I'm having trouble doing my usual "yup, he's a jerk who leaves it to me to do the hard work while he does whatever he wants" mantra and moving on.

I think maybe it feels like yet another lie all over again - he sent me this "poor me, I want to be a good Dad and help with their tuition but I just simply don't have it with six kids to support" (she has 3, and receives generous child support from her ex) e-mail, but has money for a big summer trip.

But still...I'm responsible for allowing myself to be upset by yet another lie.


Me: 40 and fabulous!
3 children ages 10, 12 and 14
Ex said he wanted separation 2/14/10
DDay #1: 5/23/10 18 month affair with his 22 yr old paralegal
DDay #2 9/22/10 my best friend, now his wife
Divorced: 12/10/10
Re-married a wonderful man.

Posts: 317 | Registered: Jun 2010
Kajem
♀ Member
Member # 36134
Default  Posted: 10:13 AM, May 21st (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage


You just found out that he gave you a 'twisty-truth' and it has pissed you off. Isn't anger a natural response to being lied to and taken advantage of?

I'm with Gonna on this- YOU deserve to be angry at him for lying. In 6 months it'll be resentment.


I trust you is a better compliment than I love you, because you may not trust the person you love, but you can always love the person you trust. - Unknown
Relationships are like sharing a book, it doesn't work if you're not on the same page.

Posts: 5017 | Registered: Jul 2012 | From: Florida
hoya96
♀ Member
Member # 28851
Default  Posted: 10:18 AM, May 21st (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

So it's only a problem if I'm still stewing down the road (ie resentment) instead of being angry right now?

That makes sense. Agreed. I think I'm just upset with MYSELF for even giving him this much headspace NOW. I'm so tired of working so hard at not letting them bother me.

Thank you for the validation.


Me: 40 and fabulous!
3 children ages 10, 12 and 14
Ex said he wanted separation 2/14/10
DDay #1: 5/23/10 18 month affair with his 22 yr old paralegal
DDay #2 9/22/10 my best friend, now his wife
Divorced: 12/10/10
Re-married a wonderful man.

Posts: 317 | Registered: Jun 2010
gonnabe2016
♀ Member
Member # 34823
Default  Posted: 10:34 AM, May 21st (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

So it's only a problem if I'm still stewing down the road (ie resentment) instead of being angry right now?

That's my *take* on it.
You took him bailing out on paying the tuition well and I would think that if 'resentment' were a problem with you, that would have made your head explode.

It's OK to be pissed off when someone lies to you. You don't have to stuff normal feelings just because of *who* it is that causes them, kwim?
If anyone 'other than' your ex pulled this kind of stunt, would you have been upset about it?


"Oh, what a tangled web we weave when first we practice to deceive." - Sir Walter Scott

In my effort to be *concise*, I often come off as blunt and harsh. Sorry, don't mean to be offensive.


Posts: 7944 | Registered: Feb 2012 | From: Midwest
hoya96
♀ Member
Member # 28851
Default  Posted: 12:36 PM, May 21st (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

If anyone 'other than' your ex pulled this kind of stunt, would you have been upset about it?

Meaning if, say, hypothetically speaking my mom had told me she would help with kids' tuition and then said she couldn't and went on vacation, would I be angry? Yes. Absolutely.

But I also think part of that would be that I trusted her to follow through on something and not lie about it. When with my ex, he has demonstrated, consistently, for years, that this is par for the course.


Me: 40 and fabulous!
3 children ages 10, 12 and 14
Ex said he wanted separation 2/14/10
DDay #1: 5/23/10 18 month affair with his 22 yr old paralegal
DDay #2 9/22/10 my best friend, now his wife
Divorced: 12/10/10
Re-married a wonderful man.

Posts: 317 | Registered: Jun 2010
ddame23
♀ Member
Member # 40407
Default  Posted: 1:44 PM, May 21st (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I wonder what would happen if you called him on it and transferred the kids to public school. Not saying you should, but I'm just wondering...


Me 42
Him on board, finally
1 5 year old child
D-Day April 18 2013
The whole Truth 7/21/14
Spoke (wrote) too soon more TT 7/23/14
I can't even put into words...

Posts: 57 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: Coastal Empire, GA
hoya96
♀ Member
Member # 28851
Default  Posted: 2:52 PM, May 21st (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I wonder what would happen if you called him on it and transferred the kids to public school. Not saying you should, but I'm just wondering...

Nothing. We told him that we did not believe that we would be able to cover the tuition ourselves (the truth) and he sat the kids down and told them that if I didn't choose to use my child support to pay their tuition, unfortunately they would have to go to public school. 😠 (yes, that led to a session with their therapist on discussing child support, etc).

It turns out that my school gave us extra financial aid once they heard of our plight, and I just reviewed a promotion a few weeks ago (extra stipend), so we can swing his portion. But he was ready to send them to public.


Me: 40 and fabulous!
3 children ages 10, 12 and 14
Ex said he wanted separation 2/14/10
DDay #1: 5/23/10 18 month affair with his 22 yr old paralegal
DDay #2 9/22/10 my best friend, now his wife
Divorced: 12/10/10
Re-married a wonderful man.

Posts: 317 | Registered: Jun 2010
LisaP
♀ Member
Member # 15088
Default  Posted: 3:45 PM, May 21st (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

he sat the kids down and told them that if I didn't choose to use my child support to pay their tuition, unfortunately they would have to go to public school. 😠

This makes me scream! My XH tells the kids his CS covers certain things and he's not contributing any more, blah, blah, blah.... My kids are old enough I had to have a talk about CS and what goes where. I broke it down to how much their portion of rent, utilities, groceries, toiletries, school supplies, clothes, etc...were. I think it backfired...now they know what it costs and want to stick around after high school...

Be angry, then keep moving forward. He's a jerk!


Me BS

Divorced!

~Feel your emotions, but control your behavior~ Unknown


Posts: 2182 | Registered: Jun 2007 | From: Oregon
Chrysalis123
♀ Member
Member # 27148
Default  Posted: 4:18 PM, May 21st (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Makes me scream too. NPDx just told my soon to be freshman in college that his contribution to her tuition was ALL of his child support. Had to have the CS talk with her too.


Donít get to the end of your life and find that you lived only the length of it; live the width of it as well.†

Posts: 2654 | Registered: Jan 2010
Gemini71
♀ Member
Member # 40115
Default  Posted: 5:13 PM, May 21st (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Might be worth a 1 hour consult with a lawyer to see if you can take XH to court for his part of the tuition. I don't know how that works, just an idea.


Edited to correct stupid typos.

Two steps forward and one step backwards, is still progress.


Posts: 1659 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: Illinois, USA
tryingagain74
♀ Member
Member # 33698
Default  Posted: 6:23 PM, May 21st (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I think your anger is entirely justified. He's basically demonstrating to your kids that their educations are not as important as his showy, Disney Dad trip. He is both irresponsible as well as immature, and it sucks that he is a "role model" that your children have in their lives.

hoya, I have always admired your grace under pressure. You've dealt with unbelievable shit from your ex and that psychotic ex-friend of yours. I think you're entitled to be a little pissed now and again when your ex does something as craptastic as this.


BS (Me) 39
Happily liberated!
Two DS and One DD
It matters not how strait the gate,/How charged with punishments the scroll./I am the master of my fate:/I am the captain of my soul.--"Invictus," William Ernest Henley

Posts: 3578 | Registered: Oct 2011
hoya96
♀ Member
Member # 28851
Default  Posted: 7:41 PM, May 21st (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Might be worth a 1 hour consult with a lawyer to see if you can take XH to court for his part of the tuition. I don't know how that works, just an idea.

I spoke with my lawyer about it. He felt certain I would not win, given that my children do not have special needs necessitating the private school. Texas judges are fairly conservative in what they will force the noncustodial parent to pay beyond the state formula child support.

Thank you tryingagain74. I'm trying.

My oldest did make a comment to me about Dad having the money for the trip but not his education, so I sent a brief email to ex saying the children told me he was taking them on a big trip, and I was wondering if his financial situation changed and he had money to contribute to their education.

Predictably, I received a reply saying he was happy the kids were so excited about the trip that they told me about it (I never said they were excited, and they're not) and that he would certainly keep me posted if he had any money for their education.

It was a typical response, and I expected as much. But at least I feel that I called him out on it (and judging by the immediate response, he was not happy I did).


Me: 40 and fabulous!
3 children ages 10, 12 and 14
Ex said he wanted separation 2/14/10
DDay #1: 5/23/10 18 month affair with his 22 yr old paralegal
DDay #2 9/22/10 my best friend, now his wife
Divorced: 12/10/10
Re-married a wonderful man.

Posts: 317 | Registered: Jun 2010
Caretaker1
♂ Member
Member # 42777
Default  Posted: 8:46 PM, May 21st (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Ok let's stop you are divorced the decree obviously doesn't say anything about private school . He can do whatever he wants with his money and yes I bet they are looking forward to the trip.

I'm sorry but his response took the high road. Is he a jerk, maybe, but you are no longer married, it's his money. Child support is a lot of money. Will it foot all the bills no, but you work too .

[This message edited by Caretaker1 at 8:49 PM, May 21st (Wednesday)]


Posts: 234 | Registered: Mar 2014
forwardfromhere
New Member
Member # 42358
Default  Posted: 9:06 PM, May 21st (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I don't know if this helps but I went to private school as a kid and I can't recall a single childhood trip I went on but thank my lucky stars everyday for my education. They will be adults in your life for much longer than kids and they will/should be awesomely grateful for your hard work to set them up for success. After they have great careers they can take themselves on any trip they want but there's only one childhood education.

Posts: 34 | Registered: Feb 2014 | From: forwardfromhere
Redflaginmyface
New Member
Member # 41133
Default  Posted: 10:11 PM, May 21st (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Posted: 8:46 PM, May 21st (Wednesday), 2014
Ok let's stop you are divorced the decree obviously doesn't say anything about private school . He can do whatever he wants with his money and yes I bet they are looking forward to the trip.
I'm sorry but his response took the high road. Is he a jerk, maybe, but you are no longer married, it's his money. Child support is a lot of money. Will it foot all the bills no, but you work too .


[This message edited by Caretaker1 at 8:49 PM, May 21st (Wednesday)]

Posts: 232 | Registered: Mar 2014

(Sorry-I don't know how to quote someone)

I have to agree with this. I know it sucks to see your ex spending money somewhere other than his kids. Mine does this with money he is court ordered to pay.

Does he pay his child support?

Does he meet his DECREED financial obligations?

Then, in that case, you are the one deciding on the private school education.

If he uses money (and, c'mon...how much does an RV actually cost?) on a road trip, who are you to complain?

Are you taking a summer vacation?

Sometimes I splurge a little with the kids. If I had to read an email from my ex every time he didn't agree with how I spent my money? Well, he would be met with a brick wall

You may want to worry less about his response time and what it could mean. Just my opinion.

[This message edited by Redflaginmyface at 10:23 PM, May 21st (Wednesday)]


Posts: 7 | Registered: Oct 2013 | From: FL
hoya96
♀ Member
Member # 28851
Default  Posted: 6:09 AM, May 22nd (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank you forwardfromhere. I hope my kids look back and appreciate my sacrifice!

If he uses money (and, c'mon...how much does an RV actually cost?) on a road trip, who are you to complain?

I agree it's not my place to have a say in his money - absolutely. My problem is the ongoing lies. I would have less of a problem with him saying he just doesn't want to pay. But my children are old enough to recognize his lies (he's denied having an affair with the OW when asked directly by my oldest). I'm frustrated that not only are his priorities really off, but he's continuing to lie.

And actually, an RV isn't cheap. My best friend looked into renting one for a road trip and said the cheapest one was over 1,000 a week.

But you're right - I need to let it go, which is why I posted.


Me: 40 and fabulous!
3 children ages 10, 12 and 14
Ex said he wanted separation 2/14/10
DDay #1: 5/23/10 18 month affair with his 22 yr old paralegal
DDay #2 9/22/10 my best friend, now his wife
Divorced: 12/10/10
Re-married a wonderful man.

Posts: 317 | Registered: Jun 2010
Topic Posts: 27
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