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Divorce/Separation Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: telling our kids tonight
slicerboy
♂ Member
Member # 22202
Default  Posted: 7:18 PM, May 20th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My WS doesn't want to work on our relationship anymore...

back story after 6 years of what seems to be mostly false R, I confronted her again on her being emotionally unavailable.

A month elapses, we have some light convo about divorce but also discussing working through things.

In the context of a few "where are we at" discussions, she confirmed that she had been texting /sexting with a few guys from work

I ended the convo with we have to tell the kids tonight... so that's what we'll do. What happens next is not known, but I'm retaining my lawyer tomorrow. I already had a consult a few weeks ago but had been just seeing how things would play out since asking to end the marriage back in April

this sucks


Me: Realizing my worth
Her: Escaping

Two children, innocent victims (14 & 15)

When I look back, we both hurt each other in so many ways and our lack of honesty and maturity coupled with poor communication led us to where we are today


Posts: 810 | Registered: Dec 2008 | From: Minneapolis
dmari
♀ Member
Member # 37215
Default  Posted: 7:25 PM, May 20th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((((slicerboy))))) You are right ~ this totally sucks. I'm so sorry that you are here and have the awful task of telling the kids tonight. Do you have an idea of what you will say? Will both of you be there to tell them? The kids will want to know what happens to them. Have you and WS decided on that part?

Many many of us have BTDT and can see you through this difficult time. Again, I'm so sorry.


Me (BS): 42 Children: DD 18, DS 15
Mediation date: 7/10/14 and 7/22/14
Final final court date: Oct 2014

Posts: 2114 | Registered: Oct 2012
Jrazz
♀ Guide
Member # 31349
Default  Posted: 7:26 PM, May 20th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Sending you strength and hugs. I'm so sorry for you and the kids. You deserve so much more love and respect, and you will get it once you are free.

(((slicerboy)))


We are what we repeatedly do, excellence, then is not an act but a habit. - Aristotle

Posts: 16348 | Registered: Feb 2011 | From: California
phmh
♀ Member
Member # 34146
Default  Posted: 7:26 PM, May 20th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((slicerboy)))

It does suck, but once you're through the worst of it, you'll start to feel better. I promise. We have a good group of people down here in D/S and, when you're ready, New Beginnings.

In 5 years, you'll look back on your life and be amazed at how much better it is than you could have imagined in 2014.


Me: BW, divorced, now fabulous and happy!

Married: 11 years, no kids

The greater danger for most of us lies not in setting our aim too high and falling short; but in setting our aim too low, and achieving our mark. -Michelangelo


Posts: 3266 | Registered: Dec 2011
slicerboy
♂ Member
Member # 22202
Default  Posted: 8:04 PM, May 20th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

We did talk about what will happen to the kids a few weeks back as far as school is concerned, but to be honest, we haven't seriously discussed it. I've researched it a little and have my preferences on parenting time, but I doubt she's put much thought to it.

As of now, she's kinda winging it. Her exact words to me when I asked her what she was willing to do to work on the marriage. She says, I don't know, I guess I'll wing it.


Me: Realizing my worth
Her: Escaping

Two children, innocent victims (14 & 15)

When I look back, we both hurt each other in so many ways and our lack of honesty and maturity coupled with poor communication led us to where we are today


Posts: 810 | Registered: Dec 2008 | From: Minneapolis
Williesmom
♀ Member
Member # 22870
Default  Posted: 10:18 PM, May 20th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

((Slicer boy and kids))
It does suck.


You can stuff your sorries in a sack, mister. -George Costanza
There is a special place in hell for women who don't help other women. - Madeleine Albright

Posts: 7424 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: Western PA
PurpleRose
♀ Member
Member # 33129
Default  Posted: 10:37 PM, May 20th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

In retrospect, telling the kids was the worst part. I am thinking of you and your littles tonight...


divorced the Dooosh
*****************************
even if you find your voice,
sometimes it does not matter anymore,
when you speak to a man who is deaf by choice.
~dodinsky

Posts: 3523 | Registered: Aug 2011 | From: Happyville
nekorb
♀ Member
Member # 40306
Default  Posted: 3:07 AM, May 21st (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

How'd it go slicerboy?


Me: BS 44
Him: WH 47 aka CAT- colossal asshat
Married 22 years
D-day: July 17, 2013, with TT to follow
Heading for Divorce
3 kids: 15,17,19

Psalms 27:14
Wait for The Lord; be strong and take heart, wait for The Lord.


Posts: 1684 | Registered: Aug 2013
slicerboy
♂ Member
Member # 22202
Default  Posted: 5:39 AM, May 21st (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

We didn't tell them yet.

Rather than being an angry and defensive WS, she approached me with one question. Do you really want to tell them tonight? My response, yes. She then requested to wait until school ends in about 3 weeks.

But what happens next was totally unexpected, we spent the next few hours talking about the last year or so of our M. And I received several unprompted disclosures and an apology.

We didn't discuss continuing the marriage, but we didn't specifically discuss starting the process. So limbo land is where I currently sit but today is still in front of me


Me: Realizing my worth
Her: Escaping

Two children, innocent victims (14 & 15)

When I look back, we both hurt each other in so many ways and our lack of honesty and maturity coupled with poor communication led us to where we are today


Posts: 810 | Registered: Dec 2008 | From: Minneapolis
phmh
♀ Member
Member # 34146
Default  Posted: 6:49 AM, May 21st (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((slicerboy)))

Not unexpected -- her reaction is a play right out of the cheater's handbook.

I wish you peace through this difficult process.


Me: BW, divorced, now fabulous and happy!

Married: 11 years, no kids

The greater danger for most of us lies not in setting our aim too high and falling short; but in setting our aim too low, and achieving our mark. -Michelangelo


Posts: 3266 | Registered: Dec 2011
Gemini71
♀ Member
Member # 40115
Default  Posted: 7:34 AM, May 21st (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I don't recommend waiting until school is out to tell the kids. Kids always know when something is wrong, and their imaginations will come up with something worse than reality. At most you can put it off until the weekend. Just make sure whenever you tell them that you allow plenty of time for their questions and concerns. Good luck.


Edited to correct stupid typos.

Two steps forward and one step backwards, is still progress.


Posts: 1532 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: Illinois, USA
7yrsflushed
♂ Member
Member # 32258
Default  Posted: 8:17 AM, May 21st (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

She then requested to wait until school ends in about 3 weeks.
^^^This is kicking the can down the road. IMO, if she has no interest in working to save the marriage the sooner you move forward with ending it the better for all involved. My guess is 3 weeks from now she will have another excuse for waiting to tell the kids. If she is like my stbxww, your ww won't do anything to move forward with the D. That will be all up to you. The longer you wait the longer you stay in limbo. Of course you know your kids so do what you think is best for them but unfortunately you will likely need to do all the leg work in regards to the D.


D-day 5/24/11
BH = Me
2 children
The first true sense of calm I felt in YEARS was when I filed for D...
D hopefully official in 7/2014

Posts: 1821 | Registered: May 2011 | From: VA
homewrecked2011
♀ Member
Member # 34678
Default  Posted: 8:32 AM, May 21st (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Please wait til school is out. My poor children took it so hard. My oldest son tried to hang himself about 4 weeks after his Dad left us. The other one was could not sleep, was angry at me all the time == I didn't cheat, but he couldn't be real with his dad. He started wetting the bed again at 12! Everything stable in their life ended it was so horrible. They still refuse to eat at the dinner table-the empty chair is too much for them - and it's been 18 months since the D!!! They have healed in other areas,, my oldest son got back into school activities and band. The youngest hates going to his dad's because the OW's son is with my XWH more than my child is. It bites. My child quit football, & fishing. He now is also into band with his older bro, but the oldest is off to college next year....

Please see a family counselor w or w/o your wife. Tell the counselor what's going on. It is possible they can relate to your wife in a way to wake her up, if not, having a family counselor will SO help your children and your family adjust. We got my XWH to go with us a few times and really the non threatening way she worked with him, he might have turned back to us, but my atty was pushing to serve XWH the D papers, so XWH didn't show his face at counseling again because he had lied to the counselor.

Remember, your WW may have another dude in your house the day after you move out, so NOW is the time to find a good counselor, then bring your kids, and help them thru this.

[This message edited by homewrecked2011 at 10:11 PM, May 21st (Wednesday)]


me BS 52
him - 46
married 15 years DIVORCED 10 31 12
children - ds15 ds12
d-day 12-19-11
I gave a 24hour ultimatum then went to attorney next day
Divorce filed

Posts: 1960 | Registered: Jan 2012
slicerboy
♂ Member
Member # 22202
Default  Posted: 9:03 AM, May 21st (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

unfortunately you will likely need to do all the leg work in regards to the D

This is my truth, I initiated this and although we are talking, she's not doing anything to move things forward.

She's passive and angy and scared and putting in minimal effort. She's agreed that we have some things to work through and that she has some internal things to sort out, but I'm hesitant to push the marriage counseling as I want her to drive it and our history has always had me driving the problem solving while she chooses the escape route.

I intend to look into family counseling for me an my sons, that's a great suggestion. This way I can work on me and start building a new foundation with my boys and if mom continues down her stated path, I'll be further along in my healing


Me: Realizing my worth
Her: Escaping

Two children, innocent victims (14 & 15)

When I look back, we both hurt each other in so many ways and our lack of honesty and maturity coupled with poor communication led us to where we are today


Posts: 810 | Registered: Dec 2008 | From: Minneapolis
Jrazz
♀ Guide
Member # 31349
Default  Posted: 11:49 AM, May 22nd (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

While I agree with the others that her move is most likely part of the WS tug-o-war and her not wanting "bad things" to happen to her (like judgement for her indiscretions), I kinda agree that waiting till the kids are out of school makes sense.

If you can, I would draw that line in the sand and hold firm. She can't run from this forever, and if she tries to put the fallout of telling the kids on YOU, well, you just hand that shit right back. You are doing nothing wrong.

(((sb)))


We are what we repeatedly do, excellence, then is not an act but a habit. - Aristotle

Posts: 16348 | Registered: Feb 2011 | From: California
slicerboy
♂ Member
Member # 22202
Default  Posted: 1:59 PM, May 22nd (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I've been going back and forth with waiting until schools out and waiting until the weekend. I'm leaning towards the schools out because this weekend is my son's bday and the following weekend he's having a big sleep over for that.

She's fence sitting right now. We didn't discuss the M yesterday at all. She says she doesn't want to work on it anymore. She's tired of all this and just needs some space.

With all of my energy, I just listened and didn't attack those statements. She's thanked me for listening.

Oh I listened, I contacted my lawyer and have started the process to retain them. She'll be getting her space very soon. She's already emotionally detached and the little bits she's giving me is pathetic. I deserve better.

Her latest and most destructive disclosure is that she feels indiferrent about me and she shared that she had/has a crush on someone.

All other statements are assumed to be lies and I'm just trying to stay focused on the fact that she wants out and respond by taking my life back.


Me: Realizing my worth
Her: Escaping

Two children, innocent victims (14 & 15)

When I look back, we both hurt each other in so many ways and our lack of honesty and maturity coupled with poor communication led us to where we are today


Posts: 810 | Registered: Dec 2008 | From: Minneapolis
deeplysad
♀ Member
Member # 16590
Default  Posted: 2:04 PM, May 22nd (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I know how hurtful it is to hear these things, but it's better to know now than waste any more time in false R. You are doing right by taking your life back.


Me: BW - I'm much too young to feel this damn old
Him: FWH - Midlife crisis with a pathetic porn wannabe
D-Day: August 2004; Lots of false R until February 2005.

It takes all kinds of kinds....Miranda Lambert


Posts: 3215 | Registered: Oct 2007 | From: So Calif
slicerboy
♂ Member
Member # 22202
Default  Posted: 2:12 PM, May 22nd (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I understand that I will not understand why the wayward behaves this way, but i'm so confused and hurt and by it.

And for her to tell me she feels stupid telling me that she has a crush on someone is just the strangest thing to hear from my spouse! It's one thing to have a crush on the weather guy, but to have a crush on a guy you work with is a very dangerous thing to mess with.

And the impacts are significant, how can she not take the impacts to everything that we've ever known together into consideration.

I get that she wants to have both, but it doesn't work that way.


Me: Realizing my worth
Her: Escaping

Two children, innocent victims (14 & 15)

When I look back, we both hurt each other in so many ways and our lack of honesty and maturity coupled with poor communication led us to where we are today


Posts: 810 | Registered: Dec 2008 | From: Minneapolis
Schadenfreude
♂ Member
Member # 43075
Default  Posted: 2:16 PM, May 22nd (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Maybe she's checked out, but she still likes to get her digs in, doesn't she? Talk kids, finances and divorce process. Nothing else really matters any more, does it?

Telling kids now or in a few weeks? If you and she can be civil, you probably can wait. Unless she's stalling just to get HER ducks in a row.

Nothing stops you from starting the D. It won't be over in a few weeks.


Posts: 743 | Registered: Apr 2014 | From: Midwest
slicerboy
♂ Member
Member # 22202
Default  Posted: 3:18 PM, May 22nd (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Yes, she wants out of the marriage, but is doing absolutely nothing to end it except saying that she wants out and being a child about it all in the process and not talking with me about our situation

She likes to avoid the elephant in the room and I have to initiate conversation. She says she doesn't know how to act around me so she just plays nice and shows some light affection and have a good days, but if we start down the working on us path, things get weepy really fast. In fact the last time we talked she said that she didn't want to work on the marriage anymore and she didn't want to consider the conversation as us working on the marriage. Rather she was sharing some things that she was struggling with. And all the things she shared seemed to suggest that these are things that couples discuss while trying to R, but then she nullifies it with we're not working on the marriage.

So much context is lost in typing out what's going on, but when it's boiled down. She's basically given up, she says she's giving up, I can see she's giving up, and even though it sounds like she's not ready to give it up. It's the things she's not doing that frustrate me the most.

She's not asking to go to MC, she's not asking what she can do to fix things, she's not being transparent, she's not showing any true remorse

I deserve better. Got my retainer agreement today and am reviewing and intend to proceed!

I feel a fog buster coming real soon! Then the hoover will be turned on big time.


Me: Realizing my worth
Her: Escaping

Two children, innocent victims (14 & 15)

When I look back, we both hurt each other in so many ways and our lack of honesty and maturity coupled with poor communication led us to where we are today


Posts: 810 | Registered: Dec 2008 | From: Minneapolis
Topic Posts: 25
Pages: 1 · 2

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