back story after 6 years of what seems to be mostly false R, I confronted her again on her being emotionally unavailable.
A month elapses, we have some light convo about divorce but also discussing working through things.
In the context of a few "where are we at" discussions, she confirmed that she had been texting /sexting with a few guys from work
I ended the convo with we have to tell the kids tonight... so that's what we'll do. What happens next is not known, but I'm retaining my lawyer tomorrow. I already had a consult a few weeks ago but had been just seeing how things would play out since asking to end the marriage back in April
Two children, innocent victims (14 & 15)
When I look back, we both hurt each other in so many ways and our lack of honesty and maturity coupled with poor communication led us to where we are today
Many many of us have BTDT and can see you through this difficult time. Again, I'm so sorry.
It does suck, but once you're through the worst of it, you'll start to feel better. I promise. We have a good group of people down here in D/S and, when you're ready, New Beginnings.
In 5 years, you'll look back on your life and be amazed at how much better it is than you could have imagined in 2014.
Married: 11 years, no kids
The greater danger for most of us lies not in setting our aim too high and falling short; but in setting our aim too low, and achieving our mark. -Michelangelo
As of now, she's kinda winging it. Her exact words to me when I asked her what she was willing to do to work on the marriage. She says, I don't know, I guess I'll wing it.
Rather than being an angry and defensive WS, she approached me with one question. Do you really want to tell them tonight? My response, yes. She then requested to wait until school ends in about 3 weeks.
But what happens next was totally unexpected, we spent the next few hours talking about the last year or so of our M. And I received several unprompted disclosures and an apology.
We didn't discuss continuing the marriage, but we didn't specifically discuss starting the process. So limbo land is where I currently sit but today is still in front of me
Not unexpected -- her reaction is a play right out of the cheater's handbook.
I wish you peace through this difficult process.
Two steps forward and one step backwards, is still progress.
She then requested to wait until school ends in about 3 weeks.
Please see a family counselor w or w/o your wife. Tell the counselor what's going on. It is possible they can relate to your wife in a way to wake her up, if not, having a family counselor will SO help your children and your family adjust. We got my XWH to go with us a few times and really the non threatening way she worked with him, he might have turned back to us, but my atty was pushing to serve XWH the D papers, so XWH didn't show his face at counseling again because he had lied to the counselor.
Remember, your WW may have another dude in your house the day after you move out, so NOW is the time to find a good counselor, then bring your kids, and help them thru this.
[This message edited by homewrecked2011 at 10:11 PM, May 21st (Wednesday)]
unfortunately you will likely need to do all the leg work in regards to the D
This is my truth, I initiated this and although we are talking, she's not doing anything to move things forward.
She's passive and angy and scared and putting in minimal effort. She's agreed that we have some things to work through and that she has some internal things to sort out, but I'm hesitant to push the marriage counseling as I want her to drive it and our history has always had me driving the problem solving while she chooses the escape route.
I intend to look into family counseling for me an my sons, that's a great suggestion. This way I can work on me and start building a new foundation with my boys and if mom continues down her stated path, I'll be further along in my healing
If you can, I would draw that line in the sand and hold firm. She can't run from this forever, and if she tries to put the fallout of telling the kids on YOU, well, you just hand that shit right back. You are doing nothing wrong.
She's fence sitting right now. We didn't discuss the M yesterday at all. She says she doesn't want to work on it anymore. She's tired of all this and just needs some space.
With all of my energy, I just listened and didn't attack those statements. She's thanked me for listening.
Oh I listened, I contacted my lawyer and have started the process to retain them. She'll be getting her space very soon. She's already emotionally detached and the little bits she's giving me is pathetic. I deserve better.
Her latest and most destructive disclosure is that she feels indiferrent about me and she shared that she had/has a crush on someone.
All other statements are assumed to be lies and I'm just trying to stay focused on the fact that she wants out and respond by taking my life back.
It takes all kinds of kinds....Miranda Lambert
And for her to tell me she feels stupid telling me that she has a crush on someone is just the strangest thing to hear from my spouse! It's one thing to have a crush on the weather guy, but to have a crush on a guy you work with is a very dangerous thing to mess with.
And the impacts are significant, how can she not take the impacts to everything that we've ever known together into consideration.
I get that she wants to have both, but it doesn't work that way.
Telling kids now or in a few weeks? If you and she can be civil, you probably can wait. Unless she's stalling just to get HER ducks in a row.
Nothing stops you from starting the D. It won't be over in a few weeks.
She likes to avoid the elephant in the room and I have to initiate conversation. She says she doesn't know how to act around me so she just plays nice and shows some light affection and have a good days, but if we start down the working on us path, things get weepy really fast. In fact the last time we talked she said that she didn't want to work on the marriage anymore and she didn't want to consider the conversation as us working on the marriage. Rather she was sharing some things that she was struggling with. And all the things she shared seemed to suggest that these are things that couples discuss while trying to R, but then she nullifies it with we're not working on the marriage.
So much context is lost in typing out what's going on, but when it's boiled down. She's basically given up, she says she's giving up, I can see she's giving up, and even though it sounds like she's not ready to give it up. It's the things she's not doing that frustrate me the most.
She's not asking to go to MC, she's not asking what she can do to fix things, she's not being transparent, she's not showing any true remorse
I deserve better. Got my retainer agreement today and am reviewing and intend to proceed!
I feel a fog buster coming real soon! Then the hoover will be turned on big time.