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User Topic: Flashback
Edith
♀ Member
Member # 38337
Default  Posted: 10:06 AM, May 19th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I am 4+ years out from his A, we are still together, though I am not sure I would say it is R. This is the second M for both of us, 19 yr marriage. I have kids from prior M.

At Easter, we gave DD32 a check as a gift. H told me how much to write the check for, since I defer to his opinion about financially helping my kids (he has had issue with that in the past...one of his excuses for his A). So after a few weeks, he had been pestering me about why she had not yet cashed the check....I kept forgetting to ask her about it.

Then DD needed some help moving things from her ex-BF's house. H and I went and helped her get her stuff, brought it to her new place. A few minutes after we left, she called me and asked if H had taken the check that was on her kitchen table....he vehemently denied. She said she knew he was right there, the check was sitting out and now it was gone. No one else was around except for the three of us. The check never materialized....I wrote her a new one, and she cashed it immediately. I KNOW he took it.

Fast forward a few weeks to last week. I needed a second photo ID for my school. Asked H to help me look for my passport in the safe. He never did, so I eventually got into the safe myself to look for it. I opened one of the drawers and found some coins I had purchased for the kids when they were younger and had a huge flashback.

Before we were married, H persuaded me to buy these coins for the kids as gifts. He always liked and admired them. I started buying them for the kids for Christmas, and kept them for the kids in a box in my room.

H was living away finishing his degree, and we never lived together before this time. He had stuff at a relative's house. We had decided to secretly get married, and he needed his divorce papers from his prior M. Asked me to go to said relative's house and retrieve his box of important papers, which I did. When I got home, I opened the box. Lo and behold, there were the coins I had purchased for my kids. I was sick. Asked him about it. He said that he had "accidentally" taken the coins home with him. Very implausible. He had never mentioned to me that he had "accidentally" taken the coins.

That weekend, I was driving to where he was at school to get our marriage license. The rest is history. I married a liar, he lies about everything and nothing. We determined that this was the slippery slope to his A, and now he adamantly insists he HAS stopped lying. The problem is, I think he still does, but he will just never admit it.

I am sick. I have no one to talk to about this. My daughter knows about the check thing and that I think he took it, but really, this has been my life for the last 20 years. If I mention it to him, he will just deny and there will be a big argument.

The other day I said that if he ever pulls a stunt anywhere near what he did with his A, I am finished. He said he was "hurt" by that...?!?

I am going to school for a new career right now, still working full time, but I will have to go part time next year to accommodate my program. I feel like I am detaching, but really, I don't see any hope for him to stop this lying (and stealing). I am devastated. Any thoughts? Sorry this is so long.

E.


Lies are manipulations. Always.

Posts: 339 | Registered: Feb 2013
outtanowhere
♀ Member
Member # 39001
Default  Posted: 10:33 AM, May 19th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I know what you mean. I knew my H stretched the truth a lot but, I didn't know until last year that he is such a good liar. It just comes so easy for him.

I've read lots about people who lie and, the pathology of it. From what I understand, it typically starts as children but, instead of learning that there are bad consequences to lying, they just get more proficient serving their own purpose. I hate liars but, even if they really want to stop I imagine that it takes a very long time to turn that ship around. Something they have done their whole lives is so ingrained that they don't really even think about it.

I have no words of advice since I am right there with you. What I have been doing for the last year is to call him out on every questionable thing he says and try to make him see how misleading his statement was. Then, he can reevaluate what his motives were for doing it and what selfish purpose it was meant to serve. And, yes, it IS a deal deal whether they think it is or not!

Sigh...I really didn't want to raise another child either!


BS - 57
SAWH - 60 multiple encounters with prostitutes and other sex workers
Married 37 years
Dday - 2/19/13 - found the emails
He promised me Heaven then put me thru hell

Posts: 621 | Registered: Apr 2013
NeverAgain2013
♀ Member
Member # 38121
Default  Posted: 10:56 AM, May 19th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It's not even the lying. There's just something real wrong with a guy who'll steal gifts you've given to your children and steal a check you gave your adult daughter.

That's just creepy.


Be careful - that 'knight in shining armor' may very well be nothing more than an assclown wrapped in tin foil.
ME: 50+ years old and cute as a button :-)
Ex-WBF: Just a lying, cheating, gravy-sucking pig - and I left him in 2012.

Posts: 1547 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: USA
yearsofpain25
♂ Member
Member # 42012
Default  Posted: 10:57 AM, May 19th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I think you are in an unfortunate pickle my friend. Any chance of your H going to IC to get better at his lying? I'm guessing no since he doesn't think he has a problem and thinks he's being "honest" with you.

I recently got some really good advice from someone around here about a thought process when you are conflicted. Your heart is telling you to stick this out for reasons xyz. Your head is telling you the logical things that you know he took the check and you know what is going on with him.

What does your gut say as the tiebreaker? Is this why you feel like you are starting to detach? Because deep down in your gut you think that there may be no help for him at this point and you can no longer live your life like this?

Keep in mind that your gut may be telling you something different than what you want. It's pretty evident what you want in this post. An honest man. So I say to you dear friend, regardless of what your heart and mind say, what does your gut say?

yop


25 years and counting of pain caused by mother's infidelity. Aftermath: 1 deceased sibling, 1 lost family, 3 lost souls.
"Each new day I am just glad to be alive and have survived all that I did." Ashland13

Posts: 1813 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: Northeast US
Edith
♀ Member
Member # 38337
Default  Posted: 11:12 AM, May 19th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank you for the insightful answers. You are correct yop. I deserve truth, I am WORTH truth. I looked at those coins the other day with clear eyes, clearer than ever.

He has lied is entire life. He has alienated every relationship and has no one else in his life but me. Says he will kill himself if I leave him.

I have been praying fiercely for him to see the light and stop lying. He will not go to IC because his first wife was a therapist and kind of used that against him, though their M eventually ended because of her sexual orientation. She came out after the D and is now "married" to a woman (I have independently verified).

I pray that he changes this before I finish school, otherwise all bets are off. I just felt the need to talk to someone about this, since I am alone with this pain. Thank you so much for listening.

E.


Lies are manipulations. Always.

Posts: 339 | Registered: Feb 2013
yearsofpain25
♂ Member
Member # 42012
Default  Posted: 11:23 AM, May 19th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

E.

I pray that he changes this before I finish school, otherwise all bets are off. I just felt the need to talk to someone about this, since I am alone with this pain. Thank you so much for listening.

This^^^^ is just one more example of you getting stronger. Of you being a better person. Of you fixing your shit over a great period of time. This statement is why I listen to you. You are stronger than you know and you continue to get stronger.

Says he will kill himself if I leave him.

This^^^^ is am example of him not fixing his shit. It's an example of him hoovering to keep you sucked in. I think you know that I've heard this one several times myself and she has also attempted suicide in my situation. So let me pay it forward and say to you what everyone else has been shouting at me. Let the outcome go. Just. Let. That. Outcome. Go.

I cannot be a decision maker for you. Maybe he will, but most of the time it's just hoover talk. And if he really does feel this way, then he needs to fix his shit. If he refuses to fix his shit for 1,000,001 reasons, there is nothing you can do to help him. Continue to focus on your future. You have had to deal with an awful lot in your life and dealing with his shit is not your responsibility. Now that you are coming to that conclusion on your own, you will continue to feel stronger.

It's not that you don't want him in your life, I have seen that. It's just that he won't fix his shit. Bottom line there. As you move forward, start to set up some boundaries on him fixing his shit. Especially around that suicide crap. I'v heard it all on that one. Enough already.

Continue to lean on your family and lean on us.

We are here for you E.

yop


25 years and counting of pain caused by mother's infidelity. Aftermath: 1 deceased sibling, 1 lost family, 3 lost souls.
"Each new day I am just glad to be alive and have survived all that I did." Ashland13

Posts: 1813 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: Northeast US
Topic Posts: 6

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