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Divorce/Separation Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: copy of the letter I had to send my L
HeBrokeVows
♀ Member
Member # 43252
Default  Posted: 9:56 PM, May 18th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I had a very difficult afternoon with WH after the kids preschool
graduation. The kids' child therapist thought it would be a good idea
if we met at the home and drove together with the kids so they would
get up on stage and do their performance (have had some issues with
other performances since separated). So we did and went for lunch
after in the same car to celebrate. Big mistake. On the way back to
the house, in front of the kids, he began with me. I repeatedly asked
him to stop in front of the kids. He thought he was quiet but they
heard, he wasn't quiet at all. I thought I should forward you some
interactions and quotes in the car.
graduation day manipulating and bullying

-"The kids will know you deprived them of a dad in the house and I
tried to come back and work it out"
-"What will you do for insurance." (I told him talk to my lawyer)
-"I won't pay you anything over child support and you can't make a
mortgage payment from a child support check. How will you pay the
mortgage?" (I told him to talk to my lawyer)
-"you'll be seeing S.O.L.D. on the house soon" (ignored him)
- "lets meet with mediator to work out financials and then I'll
uncontest it." I said mediator isn't in me and the kids best interest,
my lawyer is. I will do everything through my lawyer
- "at least ill see the kids more"
-"your anger prevent us from moving forward"
- he was trying to bully and manipulate me into staying and making
threats on how it will be
- saying I'm punishing him. I said I'm protecting the kids and me.
It's a consequence to your behavior possibly, not punishment. I have
no interest in punishing you. Therapy will help you deal with
emotions, which he said he won't go to
-kept asking him to stop in front of the kids and he wouldn't.
- When I gave him the feedback from the teachers and child therapist
that said my son's change of ways of not performing and shutting down is
new, WH's response about this "it's no big deal". He refuses to
even ask about his children in therapy, not even once. He's in
complete denial about what this has done to our kids.

I felt bullied and intimidated financially and him using our kids and
he wouldn't back down. Kids in the back seat. I need a break from
him. He keeps threatening me with saying that some day the kids will
know that he wanted to come back and I wouldn't let him. He says this
in front of them. He left the car and I was left so upset and crying
in front of them and shaking from this. Kids were scared and nervous
and my daughter kept saying it's because of daddy saying not nice things to
mommy. She said that even when he was in the car.

I'm not feeling well. My family has been an abundance of
support but this is a lot of pressure and pain. My brothers and Dad
tonight were very supportive but I feel so sick. He keeps putting his
best interest before the children. He didn't care they were right in
the back.

I ask him always to set a visitation schedule in advance, email me
when he can come and I will let him know if the kids can meet. He
rarely does and I end up having to figure it out so they can see him.
He always says he's open to let him know, won't initiate times. I'm
always around when he visits, but scarce lately to give him time alone
but now I don't trust him even alone with his intimidation. Of course
he still hasn't set up any future visits as of now. Probably will
come to tball games but no visits set up. Can I just ignore him a bit
until he calms down with this? I also want to pack up his clothes and
stuff. Can I do this? Mail it to his work? Keep in the garage?
change the locks? Should I set up an interim visit schedule of once a
week and every other Saturday for a few hours? I just don't know what
to do and he's very angry. Although keeps telling me how my anger
prevents us from moving forward, which at this point I have no
interest in moving forward. He continues to blame me.

*My lawyer responded she wants to see me in the office Tuesday. We may be going to court sooner than later. Background - WH was served two weeks ago and hasn't responded yet. After two months walking out on us and really no talking to me, he sends me a half ass email last week of everything he's not willing to do to come back in the house. It was a joke. Asking to come back but under his rules!!! He left and lives hotel to hotel (or with OW, who knows). I personally think he realized how much he's going to have to pay me. He makes a good living and is going to see a lot of it gone now. Not much left for OW!


Then today sends me an email that he'd like to see the kids today. I said no we have plans. Then said tomorrow and my answer is the same thing. He just doesn't get he needs to set up a schedule for our 4.5 year olds!!! This isn't a revolving door for when daddy feels like stopping in.

Ok, rant over. Thanks for listening!


Dday March 12, 2014. Found out my husband of almost 10 years was having an affair, first emotional then physical for 6 months.

Posts: 221 | Registered: Apr 2014
courageous
♀ Member
Member # 34477
Default  Posted: 10:17 PM, May 18th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm sorry he is being so hurtful and abusive to you and the kids. Stay strong. This will not look good for him in court.

That sounds like parent alienation. ((Hebrokevows))

I have found that they don't want to see or don't care what it's doing to the kids. Their selfishness knows no bounds.


Me: BW (35)
Him: ExWH (31) EA/PA with MOW coworker
Married 9 years, 2 small kids
dday 3/12/2011 divorced fall 2012

My ipad does a lot of crazy typos.


Posts: 622 | Registered: Jan 2012
myowndystopia
♀ Member
Member # 41340
Default  Posted: 10:23 PM, May 18th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I can't help but notice you are not far out from d-day. Hugs to you and your kids! There is so much We have to deal with- the legal aspects, caring for our children physical and emotional needs then last- we have our own physical and emotional needs. You are very lucky to have the support of your family.


Me- BS
Him - WS (the Grub)
married 28 years/4 kids(mostly grown)

"'Cause there's a side to you that I never knew, never knew.
All the things you'd say, they were never true, never true "
Set Fire to the Rain
Adele


Posts: 408 | Registered: Nov 2013
HeBrokeVows
♀ Member
Member # 43252
Default  Posted: 10:33 PM, May 18th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I am close still to dday and had to file a few weeks ago because of financial lies, missing money and basically some serious financial stuff over all. Of course, there was every other reason to file of him walking out, no remorse. Heck the affair, lies and mental fing he did on my brain. But my lawyers advice was I needed to file to get the financials.


Dday March 12, 2014. Found out my husband of almost 10 years was having an affair, first emotional then physical for 6 months.

Posts: 221 | Registered: Apr 2014
momentintime
♀ Member
Member # 16394
Default  Posted: 1:24 AM, May 19th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

IF you are ever stuck in the car with him and the kids again, put on earphones and listen to music and tune him out. Don't respond when he starts his bullying. You don't owe him conversation. Better yet, never agree to go as a family again.

Explain to the kiddos that he upset you last time as they saw and you don't want that happening again. Shut him out. Remember you don't owe him responses to conversations you don't want to have.


BS-me FWS - him
D-day 8/04
R'd

"Global editing disclaimer - I edit almost everything I post, and I am not going to post why every time."...re: Bionical girl


Posts: 2901 | Registered: Sep 2007 | From: New York
Dreamboat
♀ Member
Member # 10506
Default  Posted: 6:56 AM, May 19th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Well, now you know that you will NEVER go to anything with this asshole again. EVER. What he did was shameful. You and your children should not be subjected to that ever again. So never again allow yourself into that situation.

You need to talk to your L about getting a set visitation schedule. Determine what YOU think is a fair visitation schedule Talk to your L and ask the L to send him a letter with the proposed visitation schedule and state in the letter that he needs to provide you with 72 hours notice to change the schedule. If he cancels, even at the last minute, then do not make a big deal about it. If he wants to change the schedule or see the kids at a different time and he gives you 48-72 hours notice, then fine. Otherwise the answer is NO.

Pack his shit in hefty bags and put it in the garage. You make not legally be able to keep him out of the house yet, but that does not mean you have to look at his crap.

and this?

The kids' child therapist thought it would be a good idea
if we met at the home and drove together with the kids

No, never again. In fact, I question whether the kids should be seeing this therapist because that is some of the worst advice I have seen. As you experiences, nothing good can come from playing "happy family" at this point.

You will get thru this, but you need to put on your bitch boots and become the Queen Of No. This man is not your friend and he no longer gets any say in your life.

((((hugs))))


And it's hard to dance with a devil on your back
So shake him off
-- Shake It Out, Florence And The Machine

Posts: 17605 | Registered: Apr 2006 | From: A better place :)
solus sto
♀ Member
Member # 30989
Default  Posted: 10:29 AM, May 19th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Ditto that the faux Happy Family routine is confusing and detrimental to kids. This can be true even when both parents do their level best, in terms of cordiality.

I'd revisit this with the IC. Absent a real reevaluation of the poor advice and help for the kids to recover from the added insult/injury, I'd consider an IC change.

You're not a family any more. You may be able to effectively coparent. You may well find, though, that you are simply able to parallel parent.

Whatever form gatherings take in the future, you are no longer a family. Your kids have their family with you. They have a family with stbx. That us what he chose for your children; now he's choosing to harm them with emotionally abusive games in an effort to blameshift and salve his ego.

Do not give him the opportunity again.


BS-me, 52
WH (Trac-fone), 52, PD
2 kids-DD25, DS18
multiple d-days
DIVORCING
Alone, most strangely, I live on~Rupert Brooke

Posts: 8342 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: midwest
HeBrokeVows
♀ Member
Member # 43252
Default  Posted: 10:48 AM, May 19th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Great advice. Thank you. Quick question. After my daughters dance recital I want to do a celebration. Ill invite my parents since they are going to the recital. I'm sure my daughter would love him there and sad he wouldn't be there since he is going to the recital. How do I handle this?

And yes, happy family is over. I really thought he's be civil around the kids. After all, he's the one that did this all. Unbelievable the lack of remorse


Dday March 12, 2014. Found out my husband of almost 10 years was having an affair, first emotional then physical for 6 months.

Posts: 221 | Registered: Apr 2014
Nature_Girl
♀ Member
Member # 32554
Default  Posted: 10:56 AM, May 19th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

One of the unavoidable things about divorce is that the kids have to make adjustments, too. In some cases, and yours is most definitely one of them, the parents should not be in proximity to each other, even for kid events. Maybe one day in the future, but now? No f-ing way.

Your daughter is probably very confused. Her counselor is a nut job IMO, encouraging you & your STBX to play Happy Family. As a result, now look at what's happened. Who knows what kind of nonsense your kids have been hearing while in session? I'd be sitting my daughter down & having a gentle but honest talk ASAP about the realities of divorce. Mommy & Daddy aren't together anymore, and yes, some things are going to change. One of them is that you can now have two celebrations for your dance recital. One that Mommy puts together, and one that Daddy puts together.

End of story.

If you & your STBX were getting along beautifully this wouldn't be necessary. However, you're not getting along beautifully. You are not consciously uncoupling. You need to be realistic like the rest of us. Staying away from your STBX is in the best interests of your children.


Me = BS (Stay-at-home-mom)
Him = EX-d out (abusive troglodyte NPD SA)
3 tween-aged kids
Together 20 years
D-Day: Memorial Weekend 2011
2013 - I DIVORCED HIM, I'M FREE!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RBOJpIwF47Y

Posts: 9314 | Registered: Jun 2011 | From: USA
GingerAle
♀ Member
Member # 33822
Default  Posted: 12:10 PM, May 19th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'd be sitting my daughter down & having a gentle but honest talk ASAP about the realities of divorce. Mommy & Daddy aren't together anymore, and yes, some things are going to change. One of them is that you can now have two celebrations for your dance recital. One that Mommy puts together, and one that Daddy puts together.


That is good advice from NG. You cannot play happy family with a NPD. As we know, they have zero consideration for the children's feelings and have no boundaries. I know your heart was in the right place by trying, I've done the same thing. It's just not a good idea. ((((HeBrokeVows & kids))))


My WH (The KISA, NPD) 6 month EA in 2010
2 other EAs in 2012 & 2013
Filed for D 7/2014


Posts: 401 | Registered: Nov 2011
HeBrokeVows
♀ Member
Member # 43252
Default  Posted: 2:22 PM, May 19th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

That's a good idea. Two celebrations. Looking ahead to August for their birthday it will be that way as well. They already mentioned they want him there at their kid bday party and I said you can ask him to celebrate with you another time. They already seem to realize he won't be at their family party. My family hasn't said a word negative about him but he hasn't been at any family gatherings in two months so they don't expect him anymore. They know its my side anyway locally.


Dday March 12, 2014. Found out my husband of almost 10 years was having an affair, first emotional then physical for 6 months.

Posts: 221 | Registered: Apr 2014
HeBrokeVows
♀ Member
Member # 43252
Default  Posted: 8:57 PM, May 19th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

And today I received an email requesting seeing the kids all day Saturday and Sunday this weekend. Unsupervised. He has no idea what's about to hit after I meet with L tomorrow. I emailed her she said don't bother answering him until after we meet. He's not to be trusted. Time bomb.


Dday March 12, 2014. Found out my husband of almost 10 years was having an affair, first emotional then physical for 6 months.

Posts: 221 | Registered: Apr 2014
HeBrokeVows
♀ Member
Member # 43252
Default  Posted: 12:26 AM, May 30th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

update:

My attorney had filed an emergency motion for sole possession of the house and supervised visiation as a transition. We ended up striking the supervised transistion because we worked it out and gave him a trial run a few hours alone with the kids, per attorney rules.

So he finally hires an attorney last night, meets him this morning at the courthouse. He agreed to me having sole possession of the house, he went by my suggested supervision schedule as well. Wednesdays 4-7 (he wanted 5-7) and once a weekend day. Either Saturdays 10-3 or Sunday 12-5, we'd alternate weekends of which day. When my lawyer asked if he has a place he'd like to tell us where he's living, the lawyer answered no he doesn't have a stable place yet. The only other thing the other side asked for was to make sure I didn't spend more than $250 per transaction without his approval. Um, it's not me they need to worry about. We asked the same on his side. I never have. If it's a big expense like car or home repair, I still email him because he manages our finances still. Fine by me.

So I walked out of the courthouse so happy and full of relief. I couldn't think of a reason why we needed to talk outside of maybe the kids pickup drop off stuff. Financials and housing stuff will go through our attorneys.

No sooner did I leave that he emailed me asking me not to forward to my lawyer so we don't rack up fees. He's mad he had to spend 3k on a retainer to work out visitation which we could've done. Ummm, asshole, I tried and you wouldn't comply. Besides, he needed an attorney anyway for the fact I filed an emergency order and what about the fact he hadn't answered him being served yet with the divorce papers?

He set me up to control me financially. He put the 3k on his debit card so it came from our checking knowing he had bills due this week. After bills this week, there'd be nothing left to spend since he did the 3k (he paid off his cc's so he had free space there, but decided to screw me). So he told me to dip into my own checking (my lawyer had me take money out for my own financial security since I had nothing to myself).

I didn't answer him. Crickets. I forwarded his bullshit to my lawyer. He doesn't know that I know he has other accounts set up. He wouldn't drain the checking to leave him with nothing. He wanted to punish me and force me to use my money I set aside, but in turn affects our kids well being.

This ass is well to do. Makes good money. Once he fills out the financial disclosure we can find where the missing money has gone!

So I went from feeling good to feeling yet again once threatened financially and set up. My lawyer is handling it though.

Just wanted to update you all!


Dday March 12, 2014. Found out my husband of almost 10 years was having an affair, first emotional then physical for 6 months.

Posts: 221 | Registered: Apr 2014
GreatRoleModel
♀ Member
Member # 36809
Default  Posted: 5:56 AM, May 30th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

That's good news and sounds like your lawyer is handling things well for you, which is a great relief. You are doing a great job for yourself and your kids. Stay strong!


BS (me)
XWS (him) NPD
DIVORCED!!!
It takes a village to deal with the village idiot!

Posts: 292 | Registered: Sep 2012 | From: NC
Topic Posts: 14

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