Oh wait, she did cheat on me, so I guess that's a natural feeling. :)
Anyway, just venting.. most days I don't feel this, but I feel it today.
My dad and XWW both took my trust and used it to hurt me. I hope I can learn to be more vulnerable with people (not TOO vulnerable--but when people deserve trust, you know..) and as a result feel more of a connection.
This isn't what I signed up for when we got married. He knew I never wanted to be a single parent.
Most of the time it is really ok. Better, actually, than when I was married because he was such a selfish dick a lot of the time. But I still wish I had another person I could talk to about the kids- when they do something great, silly, exciting..
Its exhausting. Only my youngest has any relationship with stbxh. On the flipside, my older two are 16 and 18 so its easier with them in some aspects.
It does suck though when you vow your life to someone and have babies with them and they walk away like they have no responsibility or obligations.
Its hard doing it on my own.... but I'm thankful he is not a part of her life. She deserves better than him. And, I'm glad he stepped away. I hope he never has the strength to get that rock off his head again.....
ME - BW - 35
HIM - XWH - 39
D day: November 15th, 2009
Married: 5 Years, together 8
Divorced: December 13th, 2010
New Beginning: Piper/8-3-12
This isn't what I signed up for when we got married.
^^^^^^^^^ Agree 100% ^^^^^^^^
I never wanted to be a single parent. I certainly never wanted to be a parent who only saw my kids 50% of the time. But that is the big fat shit sandwich I was handed. Her - she claimed she needed to be a part time parent. She needed her breaks from our oldest (on the spectrum). It didn't take me long to figure it all out. She never had to be a single parent. Got married 4 months after the divorce was final. She had her plan. It didn't include the family she had helped create and it certainly didn't include me.
But I get the satisfaction that I am the parent they can rely on. I will be there for them when they need me. And at this point, that is all I can worry about.
STBX wasn't super involved. If anything, he was a super stick in the mud and never wanted to do anything. DD and I are always out and about. Because if I stay in she drives me cray-zee. My parents were saying that I am always doing stuff with DD. I am lucky to live in an area with lots of free stuff. So I do it. STBX never wanted to do any of it.
The lows is that I don't get time to myself. I wish STBX was more involved and took her on his weekends so that I could go be a grown up every now and then.
Being a single parent is totally awesome compared to being a married parent if I had to be married to STBX.
I hear you. While it has gotten easier for me--I no longer sob while doing the laundry, which was my XW's "job"--I still have many moments in which I find myself saying, "I didn't want this, I didn't want this...." As well as many emotional moments in which I think, "We should be experiencing this as a family..."
I feel lots of anger and lots of sadness. But I am a great dad. My kids feel safe and protected with me. I am responsible and drama-free. My home is a "safe place." They know they are loved. This is all we can do. Our hands were forced.
Hang in there, Dad. (( ))
Fear is the mind-killer.
Fear is the little-death that brings total obliteration.
I will face my fear.
I will permit it to pass over me and through me.
It's so many differnt emotions, all at once.
We, who live on in the aftermath, are the stronger person. We did not run but stayed the course. Yes, we certainly have been cheated.
Our personal lives are on hold so that our children can survive. Daily this is in my mind and I will share it here. ETA that without us, what would our children have? For they did not choose their new lot in life, either.
We can carry on, we can even thrive.
When in doubt, look into the eyes of your children. At times it is so hard there is nothing left. But, there is strength there. Accomplishments we can physically measure.
I hear their laughter and think ...they got through the day safely again, another day of their life passed ok, because of all that I did for them.
There is no other way.
[This message edited by Ashland13 at 5:01 PM, June 22nd (Sunday)]
You gave me nothing and now it's all I've got - Bono
A person is a person, no matter how small. -Dr. Suess
Perserverance and spirit have done wonders in all ages.