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Divorce/Separation Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: Do i respond or am I taking bait?
nekorb
♀ Member
Member # 40306
Default  Posted: 9:24 AM, May 18th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My aunt passed away and I am out of town helping my uncle survive planning and attending two funerals for her in addition to trying to just get him together. She has been in hospice for a few months and has literally done nothing in the house, had no food (that we could actually eat), 4 months of mail piled on every flat surface, etc.

Yesterday was my first full day here and I busted my ass for 19 hours straight. I responded twice to my kids' texts - I think I tapped out 25 words to them all day.

STBX is bitching because I didn't answer him, yet I found time to answer the kids. Then said he hoped everything is going as well as can be expected.

I've got a reply typed out saying that I answered the kids and no one else. I further explain that no one else is bitching about it because they understand that they are not priority right now. I point out he did not have an emergency.

I feel like I am setting a boundary, but on the other hand I feel like I am engaging/taking bait. I know that if I don't answer him in some way it will just fuel his anger. The kids are the ones with him right now and I do have to go home to him still.

I could just say the kids and my uncle area priorities right now and leave it at that.

Thoughts?


Me: BS 44; Him: WH 47 aka CAT- colossal asshat; Married 22 years
D-day: July 17, 2013, with TT to follow
D filed July 16, 2014, 363 days later than I should have
Psalms 27:14
Wait for The Lord; be strong and take heart. Wait for the Lord.

Posts: 1838 | Registered: Aug 2013
GreatRoleModel
♀ Member
Member # 36809
Default  Posted: 9:31 AM, May 18th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Do not take the bait! Did he ask a question? If he did is it an emergency related to the kids? If not it can wait til you get home. He knows what you are dealing with so crickets.


BS (me)
XWS (him) NPD
DIVORCED!!!
It takes a village to deal with the village idiot!
“If we couldn't laugh we would all go insane.”
― Robert Frost

Posts: 390 | Registered: Sep 2012 | From: NC
PurpleRose
♀ Member
Member # 33129
Default  Posted: 9:33 AM, May 18th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I would not reply to anything that was not a question about kids or finances, but that is me.

You will be taking the bait if you engage in a lengthy explanation to him on why you cannot reply to him... Which is exactly what he wants from you. More contact.

NO contact is how you draw your boundaries. He will eventually learn that bullying you will not elicit the response he wants and he will stop.


divorced the Dooosh
*****************************
even if you find your voice,
sometimes it does not matter anymore,
when you speak to a man who is deaf by choice.
~dodinsky

Posts: 3630 | Registered: Aug 2011 | From: Happyville
crazynot
♀ Member
Member # 24572
Default  Posted: 9:48 AM, May 18th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

wow, you are one awesome woman dealing with all of this. Either a no response or the one you suggest is fine. He's a POS expecting things from you at this time. What a brilliant person you are.


Me - 50
Him - 51
DDay 21 March 2009
Divorcing and delighted!

Do you want me to tell you something really subversive? Love is everything it's cracked up to be. That's why people are so cynical about it.


Posts: 904 | Registered: Jun 2009 | From: UK
Dreamboat
♀ Member
Member # 10506
Default  Posted: 10:10 AM, May 18th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

If you feel you must respond to keep a lid on his temper, keep it as short as possible. Something like "too busy for anyone but kids and uncle". A leave-me-the-fuck- alone text without using those word.


And it's hard to dance with a devil on your back
So shake him off
-- Shake It Out, Florence And The Machine

Posts: 17695 | Registered: Apr 2006 | From: A better place :)
gonnabe2016
♀ Member
Member # 34823
Default  Posted: 1:14 PM, May 18th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

"too busy for anyone but kids and uncle"

^^^This. Then go dark.....


"Oh, what a tangled web we weave when first we practice to deceive." - Sir Walter Scott

In my effort to be *concise*, I often come off as blunt and harsh. Sorry, don't mean to be offensive.


Posts: 8181 | Registered: Feb 2012 | From: Midwest
tesla
♀ Member
Member # 34697
Default  Posted: 4:04 PM, May 18th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Sorry for your loss and I hope you can help uncle get sorted.
As for him, you are enforcing the boundary by NOT responding to his non-question.


"Thou art the son and heir of a mongrel bitch." --King Lear

Posts: 4734 | Registered: Jan 2012 | From: Indiana
Topic Posts: 7

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