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Divorce/Separation Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: Did I make this happen?
Dallas2
♀ Member
Member # 28362
Default  Posted: 9:21 AM, May 18th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Another sleepless night andd a millions questions in my head. He keeps this isn't my fault but soneohow I feel it is. I just wish I knew what it was and if I could fix.

Maybe I am still shocked but this is so out of character for my H that I am reeling. He never has been a bigtalker and if something was bothering him he obviously let it stew for a very long time.

I just think he feels that I don't love him anymore and that isn't the case at all instead I had finally come over the other side of the devestation mountain from his A that I found out about in 2010. I had no melt down. Maybe I becam to complacent and didn't tell him "I love you enough" I don't know. He knows that dating is just a way out.

I know I have to protect myself but I don't want to do anything to push him farther away. I still hope that we can make it through this.

I know everybody says not to talk to him and I am not going to far the week as he is out oftown but I have to ask him what I did? There may be no hope and at times I feel that way and other times I have to have hope it's tho only thing I have left


Me

Posts: 828 | Registered: Apr 2010
PurpleRose
♀ Member
Member # 33129
Default  Posted: 9:36 AM, May 18th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You did not make this happen. You could not make your WS choose to be with another person.

You also cannot "nice" him back to your marriage. We have seen (and been) those who try to do that and it just doesn't work. Stay strong.

Are you in IC?


divorced the Dooosh
*****************************
even if you find your voice,
sometimes it does not matter anymore,
when you speak to a man who is deaf by choice.
~dodinsky

Posts: 3546 | Registered: Aug 2011 | From: Happyville
one2ndchance
♀ Member
Member # 14759
Default  Posted: 9:41 AM, May 18th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I know this hurts, but he doesn't love you anymore and the worst thing you can do is grovel after him asking what you did wrong. It diminishes your self respect and will make you look pathetic in his eyes.

Maintain your dignity. Re-read the 180 and follow it religiously.

(((Dallas2}}}


Me: BW 59
Him: STBXWH 61
Married: 25 years
DDay1: 2/2002; DDay2: 6/2012
Gave him his second chance and he blew it.
Divorcing

Posts: 479 | Registered: May 2007 | From: California
GreatRoleModel
♀ Member
Member # 36809
Default  Posted: 9:47 AM, May 18th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

^^^^^^DITTO
PR and one2 have nailed it! Respect yourself and take care of yourself with IC and follow your attorneys advice. Keep posting here too. (((Dallas)))


BS (me)
XWS (him) NPD
DIVORCED!!!
It takes a village to deal with the village idiot!

Posts: 315 | Registered: Sep 2012 | From: NC
norabird
♀ Member
Member # 42092
Default  Posted: 10:16 AM, May 18th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Please do not blame yourself. You stayed and still loved him after he cheated--he is the one who chose not to work to increase your intimacy and instead threw in the towel. Please see that this is HIS failure, not yours!


Sit. Feast on your life.

Posts: 4086 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: NYC
Strangefacade
♀ New Member
Member # 43394
Default  Posted: 11:06 AM, May 18th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

No. He did. No matter the problems in a marriage, it is never acceptable to have an affair with someone else. When something is broken, you fix it. You don't turn your back on it.


I'm strong again. That's the only reason you choose me.

Posts: 30 | Registered: May 2014 | From: Mi
IrishLass518
♀ Member
Member # 34373
Default  Posted: 11:41 AM, May 18th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It took a very long time for me to realize that I had the very same problems in our marriage as he did. That being said, I did not use those problems as an excuse or justification to have an A. This was his choice and it has absolutely nothing to do with you.


Me: 46 BS Divorced
Him: 45 Married OW
DDay: 07/04/2008
Divorced: 06/15/2011
5 kids: IrishLass 27,IrishLad 25, IrishLass 23, IrishLad 21 and IrishLad 12
"You can't run from trouble..there ain't no place that far"

Posts: 1724 | Registered: Jan 2012 | From: WA
Nature_Girl
♀ Member
Member # 32554
Default  Posted: 12:29 AM, May 19th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You do not have power over him to force him to have an affair. What he did was his CHOICE. He had any number of thousands of opportunities not to cheat on you. Instead he went down every wrong path, deliberately, to betray you.

You did not make this happen.

What you did was trust a lying, cheating SOB, and had your heart broken and your life destroyed as a result. Just like the rest of us.

((((HUGS)))


Me = BS (Stay-at-home-mom)
Him = EX-d out (abusive troglodyte NPD SA)
3 tween-aged kids
Together 20 years
D-Day: Memorial Weekend 2011
2013 - I DIVORCED HIM, I'M FREE!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RBOJpIwF47Y

Posts: 9513 | Registered: Jun 2011 | From: USA
Kajem
♀ Member
Member # 36134
Default  Posted: 7:38 AM, May 19th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I didn't ask him, but several of my friends did. And there were times where he told me I "made him do it".

Cheating is a choice. If she propositioned him - he made the choice to say yes. If he propositioned her - he made that choice also. EA to PA is a series of choices. He made a decision knowing you would (most likely) not agree with him. So he made the decision to keep it a secret from you.

Unless you were standing next to him with a gun to his head telling him to cheat - it's his choice.

His throwing excuses at you isn't going to change the fact that every move he made, every phone call, every time they talked WAS A CHOICE! He made the same choice over and over again.

It sucks! His choices are his to own. Don't let him 'give' them to you by shifting blame.

Hugs,
K


I trust you is a better compliment than I love you, because you may not trust the person you love, but you can always love the person you trust. - Unknown
Relationships are like sharing a book, it doesn't work if you're not on the same page.

Posts: 5014 | Registered: Jul 2012 | From: Florida
Topic Posts: 9

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