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New Beginnings Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: Need help seeing the truth
courageous
♀ Member
Member # 34477
Default  Posted: 9:59 PM, May 17th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi I'm courageous. I'm insecure and have a low self esteem. It goes back to some major FOO issues. In my family dynamic, I was what is considered "the lost child."

I married exwh because I was ready to finally have someone and because he was able to tolerate/put up with me. There were things that would have been considered red flags that I ignored/ dismissed because I thought that was the best I was ever going to get. I settled for so little. I allowed myself to be used, abused, and devalued. Exwh really did a number on me.

I have been going to classes to improve me: a support group for the sexual abuse, boundaries class, etc. I know I'm not completely healed but I'm getting a little bit better.

I'm in a LDR with a guy who treats me a lot better than exwh did. My SO gets me sweet cards for every occasion (valentines day, Easter, Mother's Day, etc). I get flowers for "just becaus". My ex never ever did any of those things. We can still talk for hours with each other after 2 years. I would consider him my best friend along with being my SO.

I know my SO has a lot on his plate right now and that he is super stressed out. He hasn't had a single day off in 3 weeks or more. I can tell he's getting shorter with me and the amount of affection from him has dropped a lot. He doesn't tell me he loves me very often. I'm very affectionate with him, much more than he is to me.

I feel like I can't trust myself with knowing if I'm settling or if this is how relationships are like. I don't know what a healthy normal relationship looks like.

It's hard to tell if I'm just being hyper sensitive or logical. The voice inside of me wonders if this is the beginning of the end. I also hear that voice that says no one loves me and it's all lies.

Does real love truly exist?

How do I distinguish between paranoia about the relationship and fact?

Something triggered me today. I don't know what. When will I ever get off of this roller coaster?


Me: BW (35)
Him: ExWH (31) EA/PA with MOW coworker
Married 9 years, 2 small kids
dday 3/12/2011 divorced fall 2012

My ipad does a lot of crazy typos.


Posts: 651 | Registered: Jan 2012
Amazonia
♀ Member
Member # 32810
Default  Posted: 6:09 AM, May 18th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

he is super stressed out. He hasn't had a single day off in 3 weeks or more. I can tell he's getting shorter with me and the amount of affection from him has dropped a lot.

Has the affection dropped in the last three weeks while he's been so busy, or overall?

Does he know your love language? Do you know his?

I do think love exists. I don't, however, think that it (love) is just warm fuzzies or affection all the time. It's give and take, and accepting that the other person is human. Look at your kids - there are probably times when you're not affectionate to them (or they're not to you!) but that doesn't mean you love each other less, right?

It's easy to mistake craving love with craving validation. While your SO can help to validate you, the more strong and built up inner core you have, a Self Validating Core if you will, the less you will "need" it from SO. Not that affection and validation will be less important to your relationship - instead you will be more equipped to handle the times when he's stressed or busy or in a bad mood.

That said, even the most solid self validating core requires a healthy balance from a relationship - if the affection never comes, if the other person is mean or rude, or ignores or uses you, then you should address the situation.

You mention that your SO hasn't had a day off in three weeks - obviously a good reason to be stressed - but I wonder what his plan is to deal with that. It sounds like his career is a busy one, and it might be a good exercise for him to examine his priorities, both in business and in life, and start drawing boundaries that will protect those priorities (delegation of work, strictly enforcing/limiting his own work hours, scheduling time off, etc.).


"You yourself deserve your love and affection as much as anybody in the universe." -Buddha
"Let's face it, life is a crap shoot." -Sad in AZ

Posts: 13801 | Registered: Jul 2011
fireproof
♀ Member
Member # 36126
Default  Posted: 10:10 AM, May 18th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

If you care for him and you love him then I would focus on you and involve yourself in other activities. This way overtime you will see what you need independent of him and if he fits.

Relationships ebb and flow. After 2 years give it sometime but you can always take the initiative to send a card or do something like offer to bring over pizza.

You will know and if it continues say something like with this new schedule lets work on time together. I care about you.

There is a chance what you say might be true but time will tell.

You are stronger no matter what


Posts: 1009 | Registered: Jul 2012
justjim
♂ Member
Member # 41150
Default  Posted: 10:17 AM, May 18th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm certainly no expert, but I think I would withdraw... just a little. Ease up on the "I love you's" and the affection. Again, just a little.

See if it draws him toward you or puts distance between you. See whether he notices. See if he cares.

I think you will find your answer.

[This message edited by justjim at 10:18 AM, May 18th (Sunday)]


Follow your BRAIN.
Your HEART is stupid as shit.

Posts: 294 | Registered: Oct 2013
courageous
♀ Member
Member # 34477
Default  Posted: 10:22 AM, May 18th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It's kind of hard to tell. He visited last month while the kids were with me. He doesn't touch me much in their presence. A lot of our communication is by phone and text. He hasn't said sweet nothings in a while. Lately when I texted him that I love him I haven't for a reply.

Yes we know each other love languages. His is service and quality time. Due to my marriage lacking so much I have several love languages: touch, words of affirmation, and quality time. The funny thing is I show love in acts of service.

My SO plans on visiting me next weekend. It's not really going to be a visit for me... The kids are leaving for the summer and this is the last time SO will see them until sept. It will be my last weekend with them until July also.

The problem I have is ask SO if he is okay and he says he is fine just tired. I find out later that he is depressed (has been for a long time) and doing very bad. He won't tell me because he doesn't want to worry me or sound like a broken record. I'm tired of bing left out in the dark. I can't get him to understand that it is a way of lying to me. I can't work with what I don't know.


Me: BW (35)
Him: ExWH (31) EA/PA with MOW coworker
Married 9 years, 2 small kids
dday 3/12/2011 divorced fall 2012

My ipad does a lot of crazy typos.


Posts: 651 | Registered: Jan 2012
phmh
♀ Member
Member # 34146
Default  Posted: 10:29 AM, May 18th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Try to look at this objectively -- is this the type of relationship you'd want for your best friend? For your daughter?

I've seen tons of red flags surrounding this guy pretty much every time you post about him.

Personally, it's not a relationship I'd put up with, and I think you deserve so much better.

It seems like you are repeating mistakes that you made in your first relationship -- settling for far less than you deserve. I wish you could see that you are worth so much more.

(((courageous)))


Me: BW, divorced, now fabulous and happy!

Married: 11 years, no kids

Character is destiny


Posts: 3409 | Registered: Dec 2011
courageous
♀ Member
Member # 34477
Default  Posted: 10:44 AM, May 18th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage


Relationships ebb and flow. After 2 years give it sometime but you can always take the initiative to send a card or do something like offer to bring over pizza.

I was wondering if this was the issue. I kind of feel like we are an old married couple. Since it's a LDR it's hard to visit without a lot of planning. I can say that when I visit him, he tends to be more affectionate with me.

You are stronger no matter what

Thank you


Me: BW (35)
Him: ExWH (31) EA/PA with MOW coworker
Married 9 years, 2 small kids
dday 3/12/2011 divorced fall 2012

My ipad does a lot of crazy typos.


Posts: 651 | Registered: Jan 2012
courageous
♀ Member
Member # 34477
Default  Posted: 10:58 AM, May 18th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm certainly no expert, but I think I would withdraw... just a little. Ease up on the "I love you's" and the affection. Again, just a little.
See if it draws him toward you or puts distance between you. See whether he notices. See if he cares.

Justjim-- I have a question for you, as a guy. Sorry it might be a little tmi so for a little background... I have a much higher sex drive than SO. He can go without for years. The AD I'm on was recently increased so my sex drive has dropped to almost nonexistent

Normally when SO visits as soon as we are alone and the kids are in bed I'm all over him. Well this last visit I was content to just watch tv with. He actually initiated things! This never has happened before. So does this mean he was drawing near me??


Me: BW (35)
Him: ExWH (31) EA/PA with MOW coworker
Married 9 years, 2 small kids
dday 3/12/2011 divorced fall 2012

My ipad does a lot of crazy typos.


Posts: 651 | Registered: Jan 2012
justjim
♂ Member
Member # 41150
Default  Posted: 11:12 AM, May 18th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Justjim-- I have a question for you, as a guy. Sorry it might be a little tmi so for a little background... I have a much higher sex drive than SO. He can go without for years. The AD I'm on was recently increased so my sex drive has dropped to almost nonexistent

Normally when SO visits as soon as we are alone and the kids are in bed I'm all over him. Well this last visit I was content to just watch tv with. He actually initiated things! This never has happened before. So does this mean he was drawing near me??

My opinion? LOL

He's spoiled. He doesn't have to initiate, because he know YOU will. He doesn't have to show affection, because YOU make him feel like he is a Rock Star, and you are a groupie.

By accident of your meds, the shoe was suddenly and unexpectedly on the other foot. He found himself in a "use it, or lose it" situation.

He became threatened by the change. And that, my dear, Is a GOOD thing.

I'd say initiate now and then. Other times, wait him out. You have a right to expect to be treated as an object of his desire.

Have him watch "Gone With The Wind" with you. Noticeably swoon when Clark Gable says "You should be kissed and often, and by someone who knows how.".

If he doesn't pause the movie and plant the most passionate kiss of your life on you, smack him in the head with a Dr Phil book.


Follow your BRAIN.
Your HEART is stupid as shit.

Posts: 294 | Registered: Oct 2013
courageous
♀ Member
Member # 34477
Default  Posted: 12:04 PM, May 18th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Try to look at this objectively -- is this the type of relationship you'd want for your best friend? For your daughter?

I've seen tons of red flags surrounding this guy pretty much every time you post about him.

Personally, it's not a relationship I'd put up with, and I think you deserve so much better.

It seems like you are repeating mistakes that you made in your first relationship -- settling for far less than you deserve. I wish you could see that you are worth so much more.

I don't want to minimize anything... that being said I don't normally post about the good things about the relationship because things are good.

My SO struggles with agoraphobia and is a germaphobe. It is very hard and stressful for him to come visit me but he does it once a month because I'm worth it. He has to take a lot of pepto and suffer from a lot of anxiety just to see me.

He is a betrayed spouse also and understands the need for trust and verify. He has offered to install a keylogger on his computer. I haven't because I don't feel the need to at this time. I am able to track his whereabouts at all times.

He texts me throughout the day sharing his life with me. We talk most nights for numerous days. On weekends we might talk the entire time.

He drops everything whenever my kids want to talk to him, even if he is still working. If I needed him I know he would do the same for me.

I just came out of a sexually abusive marriage. Things are on my terms. He has never forced me to do anything I didn't want to do and he is very sensitive to any of my discomfort.

He is protective of me and wants me to be stay safe.

I'm not discarding your advice/words. I am keeping what you have said in mind. Right now the good still outweighs the bad.


Me: BW (35)
Him: ExWH (31) EA/PA with MOW coworker
Married 9 years, 2 small kids
dday 3/12/2011 divorced fall 2012

My ipad does a lot of crazy typos.


Posts: 651 | Registered: Jan 2012
courageous
♀ Member
Member # 34477
Default  Posted: 12:20 PM, May 18th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

If he doesn't pause the movie and plant the most passionate kiss of your life on you, smack him in the head with a Dr Phil book.


Thanks for the image. I can just imagine the look on his face


Me: BW (35)
Him: ExWH (31) EA/PA with MOW coworker
Married 9 years, 2 small kids
dday 3/12/2011 divorced fall 2012

My ipad does a lot of crazy typos.


Posts: 651 | Registered: Jan 2012
Topic Posts: 11

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