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User Topic: “It was just sex”---what is that like?
mchercheur
♀ Member
Member # 37735
Default  Posted: 7:12 PM, May 17th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage


All opinions welcome (WS/BS & others) . I am trying to understand this.

Maybe I am old-fashioned, but since I have only had sex with someone who I was married to, could someone tell me what it is like to have sex with someone who you have no emotional connection to.

And, is it so great that you are willing to risk everything (your spouse, your kids, your job, your reputation, etc.) for it.


together 25 yrs, married 24 yrs, 4 children;Rebuilding
D Day: 5/10/2011 PA
OW: WH's co-worker,divorced, no children, 20 yrs younger than I-----& she knew he was married, had met our kids, but that did not stop her from trying to destroy our family

Posts: 1337 | Registered: Dec 2012
Ostrich80
Member
Member # 34827
Default  Posted: 7:37 PM, May 17th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

One of best friends had an A. She was M to a great guy...finally, after kissing many toads, she finally got a,good one. She started going to happy hour after work, started talking to a man,convinced herself that she had no spark left in her M. This guy told her how sexy she was, beautiful, if you were mine I would never let you out of my sight. She becane intoxicated, her words. She said it was like they were sexually made for each other..whatever the hell that means. She didn't love him, she lusted him. She later said, the excitement of sneaking away for a tumble was overwhelming. I don't think its like fireworks for everyone . But it was the fact that he desired her, that made her so weak. Right or wrong? Idk? That's what I was told. As far as risking getting caught, she thought she wouldn't get caught, therefore, no one gets hurt .


BS..me
WS..him
Been with him over half my life
4kid
DD1 10-01-09 DD2 02-12-12 discovered it never ended
OW..nothing special. Just your average skank
Status..#$%@????

Posts: 4719 | Registered: Feb 2012 | From: midwest
dameia
♀ Member
Member # 36072
Default  Posted: 7:59 PM, May 17th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

mchercheur,

I'm in the same boat. The only person I've ever had sex with is my WH.

His A's were all with prostitutes, and a ONS with a howorker. It was all "just sex."

I don't get it. He told me that the whores were cheap (in Thailand, so it was less than $10). He said either he could go back to base and masturbate or use a whore to achieve the same effect.

He says it wasn't enjoyable, but if it really weren't enjoyable I would think he wouldn't have done it 16 times.


Me: BS
D-Day: 7/7/12

One should rather die than be betrayed. There is no deceit in death. It delivers precisely what it has promised. Betrayal, though ... betrayal is the willful slaughter of hope. ~Steven Deitz


Posts: 1102 | Registered: Jul 2012
steadfast1973
♀ Member
Member # 24719
Default  Posted: 9:30 PM, May 17th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I was (morally) promiscuous after my first M ended. It was empty. But it wasn't "just sex". It was "safe" sex... No not really... But i didn't care about the men (and tbh, women) that I had sex with. They couldn't hurt me. If they rejected me, I'd just move on to someone else... It FELT safe... I got a high off of strangers wanting me... But in the end, it was empty, unfulfilling, and rarely did I get off. It wasn't about the sex... It was the ego kibbles.


Me- 40- BS Him- 36- WH D-day#1 5/25/09 3 mo. EA d-day#2 11/06/13 Prostitute 11/5/13 in R
"I've seen your flag on the marble arch, our love is not a victory march, it's a cold and broken hallelujah."- Leonard Cohen

Posts: 2221 | Registered: Jul 2009 | From: Midwest
mchercheur
♀ Member
Member # 37735
Default  Posted: 10:06 PM, May 17th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

So, its the ego kibbles of someone else desiring the WS sexually. But is it really possible to be physically intimate and not have any feelings for them?


together 25 yrs, married 24 yrs, 4 children;Rebuilding
D Day: 5/10/2011 PA
OW: WH's co-worker,divorced, no children, 20 yrs younger than I-----& she knew he was married, had met our kids, but that did not stop her from trying to destroy our family

Posts: 1337 | Registered: Dec 2012
Angel177
♀ Member
Member # 37274
Default  Posted: 10:22 PM, May 17th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I wonder the same thing.

In that moment when I orgasm and when wh does too I feel the most intense connection to him...right down to my soul. So when it's just sex that connection is just missing? I just don't know how that's possible? Your bodies are as close as physically possible how can you not feel that connection? It confuses me. People say it all the time though...that sex can be "just sex" it just never has been for me I guess.

This is one of the hardest things to let go.


Me:BS
Him:WH
D-Day Sept. 14/12...R started Dec. 3/12
Together-10 years Married-5 years
Daughter-3
Son-13 months (died July 2, 2014)
Baby #3 due Feb. 2015
4 month EA and 4 month EA/PA in 2012 with my "friend"

Posts: 222 | Registered: Oct 2012
badmedicine
♀ Member
Member # 41692
Default  Posted: 10:41 PM, May 17th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Same boat over here....I've only been with WH. My guess is that either there WAS that connection and WH is just minimizing it....he did tell her she was his "one true love" and some other BS. Or that not all sex (including with me) has much connection for him. Neither option seems great. It also makes dating after this nightmare even more terrifying.


"The wishbone will never replace the backbone." -Will Henry
"This wasn't just plain terrible, this was fancy terrible. This was terrible with raisins in it." -Dorothy Parker

Posts: 174 | Registered: Dec 2013 | From: United States
Jrazz
♀ Guide
Member # 31349
Default  Posted: 10:57 PM, May 17th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Whereas I don't think that "It was just sex" is a comment that has ANY weight while trying to minimize an affair, I get how sometimes people want to just have sex. It's an abhorrent thing to say to someone you've betrayed, but if not promised to another, it seems like a legitimate sentiment.

I think that it's wonderful when people have a deep, emotional connection when they have sex. I consider myself an empathetic person, but I have to admit that sex is easier (better?) for me with less emotions involved. Crazz is the only person who I ever even felt any kind of connection like that with, but it seemed to come along with a vulnerability that almost takes me out of the physical aspect.

Maybe I'm damaged goods like that, or maybe that's just how some people are wired. Either way, breaking that emotional bond with your partner and then trying to justify that it was "just" one thing or another is completely beside the point that the WS has utterly betrayed their BS on the most intimate of levels.

I'm sorry if I'm bouncing all around. I don't want to trigger anyone by saying "sometimes sex is just sex" in this context. When you're married, EVERYTHING you share should be sacred. Period.

[This message edited by Jrazz at 10:57 PM, May 17th (Saturday)]


We are what we repeatedly do, excellence, then is not an act but a habit. - Aristotle

Posts: 16411 | Registered: Feb 2011 | From: California
lieshurt
♀ Member
Member # 14003
Default  Posted: 11:39 PM, May 17th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

But is it really possible to be physically intimate and not have any feelings for them?

Without a doubt, this is possible. For some, sex and emotions do not go hand in hand. Sometimes it's just about taking care of a physical need.


I'm sorry if you don't like my Honesty, but to be fair I don't like your lies.

Sometimes it's better to push someone away...not because you stopped loving them but because you can't take the pain anymore.


Posts: 13647 | Registered: Mar 2007 | From: Houston
SadInNC
♀ Member
Member # 42170
Default  Posted: 1:35 AM, May 18th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It is possible to have sex with no emotional connection. People hire prostitutes for that all the time. Why? They are horny dirtbags, I guess.

It doesn't make it any less hurtful for the BS, though. They are not thinking about their spouse at all when they are having sex with someone else. It is 100% selfish!


BS/Me WH/Him

"Your value doesn't decrease based on someone's inability to see your worth." -Unknown Wise Person


Posts: 337 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: North Carolina, United States
UnexpectedSong
♀ Member
Member # 21761
Default  Posted: 1:49 AM, May 18th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

is it really possible to be physically intimate and not have any feelings for them?

Yes.


WW(SA)
"Feedback is the breakfast of champions." - Boris Becker

Posts: 6074 | Registered: Nov 2008 | From: California
absolut
♀ Member
Member # 37933
Default  Posted: 3:04 AM, May 18th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Mch,

I am younger than you and have definitely been with more than one man. It was never just sex. Sometimes love, sometimes passion.

The idea that a man is like a bowl of corn flakes when I wake up is really disgusting to me. No matter how many men I've been with. It's not just like eating or taking a dump. And if I did feel that way, I would probably never admit it.

To an extent it may be TT? I don't know. In your case I can see a co-w so they saw each other often & interacted a lot, I assume. I'm not sure how that could be only sex. Maybe he's fudging the truth from he viewed her in a mostly sexual light and he was primarily interested in her for sex (vs trying to marry her or something lol).... to it was totally sex only. I have no idea.

When people are backed into a corner they don't even know when they're lying. I don't totally buy "just sex"... if she was just a physical experience why not "just masturbate"? It could be he just doesn't want to talk about it or is only semi-aware of his motives.

I agree, why risk so much for sex, there is something else there. I would never have sex with a coworker and I'm not even married. It's certainly poor judgment. It could be a few different things, I don't know.


Posts: 421 | Registered: Dec 2012
NeverAgain2013
♀ Member
Member # 38121
Default  Posted: 5:26 AM, May 18th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I think a lot of men are more than happy to have sex with someone they don't have an emotional tie to. I know a lot of them that couldn't care less if they were emotionally bonded to the women they 'score' with or not.

It seems more and more women are now also having one night stands and getting into FWB relationships.

We live in such an instant gratification society now that I don't think it's such a big deal for a lot of people in today's world.


Be careful - that 'knight in shining armor' may very well be nothing more than an assclown wrapped in tin foil.
ME: 50+ years old and cute as a button :-)
Ex-WBF: Just a lying, cheating, gravy-sucking pig - and I left him in 2012.

Posts: 1566 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: USA
steadfast1973
♀ Member
Member # 24719
Default  Posted: 7:33 AM, May 18th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Yes. i was not emotionally involved. Sometimes I never even saw them again. it was that lack of emotion I was going for. Because it was "safe". They couldn't hurt me, because I didn't care. I got the ego kibbles without risk.


Me- 40- BS Him- 36- WH D-day#1 5/25/09 3 mo. EA d-day#2 11/06/13 Prostitute 11/5/13 in R
"I've seen your flag on the marble arch, our love is not a victory march, it's a cold and broken hallelujah."- Leonard Cohen

Posts: 2221 | Registered: Jul 2009 | From: Midwest
Badhurt
♂ Member
Member # 41947
Default  Posted: 8:20 AM, May 18th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Never Again 2013 said it well. We are now in the instant gratification society, facilitated by social media and technology that make it easier to start and hide affairs.
If you believe that men and women think differently, and most experts do believe the brains work a bit differently, it is normally easier for men to have random sex because a lot of our brains in most cases are below are waist. Most women develop a more emotional attachment to AP, which is why in more cases than with men it is more difficult to stop and do NC after they are exposed. With men, once the sex or possibility of it stops,we have an easier time detaching.
There are more women today also accepting the "just sex" thing today however, and I have a lot of thoughts on that that i think i will post on a separate thread since i was burned that way.

Posts: 749 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: Eastern USA
sisoon
♂ Member
Member # 31240
Default  Posted: 2:36 PM, May 18th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

For a while in HS and college, I dated a girl because she promised sexual favors. She really liked me, but I didn't particularly like her. (Actually, I disliked her because she liked me.... I wasn't all that healthy at the time.)

I still had an emotional connection of a sort - that was close to 50 years ago, and I still can trigger into feeling like a shit for doing it.

[This message edited by sisoon at 4:21 PM, May 18th (Sunday)]


fBH (me) - 65+, fWW (her) - 65+, Married 45+, together since 1965
DDay - 12/2010
Recovered, not yet fully R'ed
I share my own experience because it's the only experience I know, not because I'm a good model.

Posts: 9761 | Registered: Feb 2011 | From: Chicago area
Topic Posts: 16

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