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Divorce/Separation     Print Topic    
User Topic: Abbondad update
Abbondad
♂ Member
Member # 37898
Default  Posted: 2:00 PM, May 17th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi, Everyone.

Quick update of just the latest in my nightmare:

DS (ten) called me, as he consistently has from XW's, nearly hysterical, again declaring that he "never wants to go back there again." He requested an immediate session with his psychologist, which is unusual for him.

At Dr. R.'s he finally divulged at least part of the reason why he does not want to go to XW's. Just what I thought. He wrote it out for us in two words: "inappropriate sex."

Took us a long time to extract the details. I am not surprised: he witnessed XW and AP having sex. They were in their bedroom and the door was locked. He and his sister (seven) looked in through the window. Ok, within the realm of "normal."

He is very very disturbed at having seen this; it happened a few months ago. He was sobbing today, and very scared that his mother and her boyfriend would be "mad" at him. Dr. R. elicited from DS that he never "was touched." I am relieved that he says he has not been (I still have alarm bells about DD, another story) but I am confident this is only the tip of the iceberg. Clearly DS is still holding back.

Dr. R. is concerned even at this, I am glad to say. He has asked XW to meet with him Monday, but she is already deflecting and becoming defensive, claiming only that DS doesn't like being "disciplined," that this is the only reason he is uncomfortable there.

DS and DD have also told me that AP POS yells at them, saying "Shut your mouth." (I am very shaken and enraged, to say the least. But I am controlling myself.)

I described to Dr. R. a number of other incidents over the years involving XW's lack of sexual boundaries with our children, and he is concerned.

I also told Dr. R. of my belief that at some point XW will accuse me of inappropriate behavior with our children. (She has already made some implications I am aware of.)

I know that at this point no legal line has been crossed. But I am on my guard and documenting everything. I have contacted my attorney just to keep her in the loop.

Just looking for support... Thank you as always.


Divorced April Fool's Day 2014

Fear is the mind-killer.
Fear is the little-death that brings total obliteration.
I will face my fear.
I will permit it to pass over me and through me.
-Dune


Posts: 1571 | Registered: Dec 2012
confused615
♀ Member
Member # 30826
Default  Posted: 2:08 PM, May 17th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

This...on top of the pic he found of her naked breasts that she sent to OM...and her reaction to that..and to this...all makes me so sad for your children.

How much time do the children spend at her house?

And...what is this about DD and alarm bells?


BS(me)41
FWH 45
4 kids..21,20,11,9
M: June 2001
D-Day: 8/10/10
Status: Happily Reconciled.

..that feeling you get in your stomach, when you heart's broken. It's like all the butterflies just died.


Posts: 7116 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: Indiana
IrishLass518
♀ Member
Member # 34373
Default  Posted: 2:09 PM, May 17th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I am so sorry AD and hugs to DS and DD. She is out of line to be doing this and then ignoring and minimizing. I hope that your L and the counselor can help you make arrangements that are safer for the kiddos. I already know that there is no talking sense to her.


Me: 45 BS Divorced
Him: 45 Married OW
DDay: 07/04/2008
Divorced: 06/15/2011
5 kids: IrishLass 27,IrishLad 25, IrishLass 22, IrishLad 21 and IrishLad 12
"You can't run from trouble..there ain't no place that far"

Posts: 1674 | Registered: Jan 2012 | From: WA
Chrysalis123
♀ Member
Member # 27148
Default  Posted: 2:12 PM, May 17th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank goodness your boy trusts you enough to share this with you. And now you have the psychologist as the one to get the details from your son and not you. This could serve you very well in court.

You also will have the psych's recommendation for how to proceed. Also good that it is not coming from you.

How can you help yourself get your feelings taken care of? Do you have IRL support like a therapist?

(((AD))))


Don’t get to the end of your life and find that you lived only the length of it; live the width of it as well. 

Posts: 2605 | Registered: Jan 2010
Nature_Girl
♀ Member
Member # 32554
Default  Posted: 2:27 PM, May 17th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It's taken me three tries to get through your post because it's triggered me so badly. I am so sorry for what's happened. I am enraged for what's happened.

I agree that the best thing about this is that your son disclosed this to a third party. If this information was only coming from you there wouldn't be a thing you can do about it. However, since he disclosed to the counselor you can hopefully take steps to protect your children.

I'm so sorry, Abd. Keep talking about this here, it helps to keep your spirit purged of toxic poison.


Me = BS (Stay-at-home-mom)
Him = EX-d out (abusive troglodyte NPD SA)
3 tween-aged kids
Together 20 years
D-Day: Memorial Weekend 2011
2013 - I DIVORCED HIM, I'M FREE!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RBOJpIwF47Y

Posts: 9243 | Registered: Jun 2011 | From: USA
Skan
♀ Member
Member # 35812
Default  Posted: 6:17 PM, May 17th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

That whore. That freaking POS whore and prick-on-a-stick! I have a serious case of wanna whup ass right now.


Imagine a ship trying to set sail while towing an anchor. Cutting free is not a gift to the anchor. You must release that burden, not because the anchor is worthy, but because the ship is.

D-Day, June 10, 2012



Posts: 4557 | Registered: Jun 2012 | From: So California
norabird
♀ Member
Member # 42092
Default  Posted: 6:20 PM, May 17th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm so sorry. (((((AD & kiddos))))

It's great the counselor is in the loop. Just keep documenting and cover your bases as much as you can.


Sit. Feast on your life.

Posts: 3688 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: NYC
debbysbaby
♀ Member
Member # 32962
Default  Posted: 6:53 PM, May 17th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

They are both utter waste of oxygen and I can only hope that the two of them do not procreate. I am so sorry.


-betrayed almost my whole almost 15 yr marriage
-divorced since 2004

Posts: 840 | Registered: Aug 2011
Gemini71
♀ Member
Member # 40115
Default  Posted: 7:21 PM, May 17th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I completely and totally understand.

I'm in legal limbo with my Dipshit STBX. He was 'detained' and then actually arrested for "Attempted Solicitation of a Minor", but the charges where withdrawn. Until he is charged again and pleads or is found guilty I can't do anything about visitation with the kids. Luckily I don't think he's a threat to them, but I would not be surprised that the kids have seen his 'stash' of porn.

I can't imagine the frustration you must be feeling since your kids are having trouble. You already know what to do, document and counseling.


Edited to correct stupid typos.

Two steps forward and one step backwards, is still progress.


Posts: 1520 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: Illinois, USA
Destroyed121813
♀ New Member
Member # 42657
Default  Posted: 7:24 PM, May 17th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I have no advice, but just want to say that I am sending out big hugs and support for you during a horrible time. You sound like you really have your stuff together and are doing all you can do to get to the bottom of it. Good luck!


Married 11yrs, known 12
DDay 12/18/13
BW 42
WS 42 (SA with what can only be described as NPD)
2 great kids - Both 10

Posts: 40 | Registered: Mar 2014
Kajem
♀ Member
Member # 36134
Default  Posted: 8:25 PM, May 17th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm glad DS has his therapist to go to.

An old friend used to tell me that boys are more visual than girls and the sexual messages/innuendo in the media would create a society where most men were sex addicts. That was 30 years ago, before the internet made porn so easy to get.

I don't think he was completely wrong.

AD, why does DD worry you?

Saying prayers for your kids.

K


I trust you is a better compliment than I love you, because you may not trust the person you love, but you can always love the person you trust. - Unknown
Relationships are like sharing a book, it doesn't work if you're not on the same page.

Posts: 4834 | Registered: Jul 2012 | From: Florida
DepressedDaddy
♂ Member
Member # 41521
Default  Posted: 9:08 PM, May 17th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

So sorry for her sorry excuse for a mother.

Have you ever considered calling child protective services?


“Optimism is a strategy for making a better future. Because unless you believe that the future can be better, you are unlikely to step up and take responsibility for making it so.” ― Noam Chomsky

Posts: 615 | Registered: Dec 2013
5454real
♂ Member
Member # 37455
Default  Posted: 10:48 PM, May 17th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Skan, I'll hold your earrings if you'll hold my hat.

AD, what a piece of work she truly is.

Dr. R. is concerned even at this, I am glad to say. He has asked XW to meet with him Monday

I know that at this point no legal line has been crossed.

He is a mandatory reporter. I will assume that you asked if a report with CPS was filed. Even barring that, would he suggest a more *limited* time with CXW?(You forgot the C)

I have contacted my attorney just to keep her in the loop.

Would the latest development play a factor in granting you more time with your kids with Dr's recommendation?

I'm worried about your *gut* feeling about DD. DS is already being affected. What's going on with her?

Strength


BH 51, WW 42
DS 23(Mine),SD 21,SS 20(Hers),DS 9 Ours, DGS 3, DGD 1 mo
D=Day #1 5/04EA (Rugswept)
D-Day #2 3/10/12, TT til 3/13/12
Married 10yrs
“I have no love for a friend who loves in words alone.”
― Sophocles, Antigone

Posts: 2541 | Registered: Nov 2012 | From: midwest
SBB
♀ Member
Member # 35229
Default  Posted: 12:53 AM, May 18th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Why the fuck are they having sex when the kids are awake? They went outside and looked through the window? Seriously, who is supervising the kids?

That shit is too much for a kid to take in and process. He is traumatised from the pics he saw and now this. If she is sexualising him even by 'just' being an exhibitionist it is enormously damaging. Unfortunately it is not illegal to damage your kids.

I can't believe she isn't at all concerned. I can't believe she lets POS shout at her children. I don't even know what to be outraged at most - it's all fucking awful.

I hope that the Dr knocks some sense into her or at least makes her fearful enough that she checks herself. I won't hold my breath though.

What are your concerns about DD?

How long until kids get to decide to not go?


Buzz- The word you are searching for is 'Space-Ranger.'
Woody- The word I'm searching for, I can't say, because there are Pre-school toys here.

Posts: 5401 | Registered: Apr 2012 | From: Australia
dmari
♀ Member
Member # 37215
Default  Posted: 2:15 AM, May 18th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I don't know what to say I HATE what your children are going through. I HATE that there seems to be nothing you can do to prevent further abuse. This just makes me really sad.


Me (BS): 42 Children: DD 18, DS 15
Mediation date: 7/10/14 and 7/22/14
Final final court date: Oct 2014

Posts: 2113 | Registered: Oct 2012
Abbondad
♂ Member
Member # 37898
Default  Posted: 7:13 AM, May 18th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks, everyone. I'm still pretty rattled.

And...what is this about DD and alarm bells?

Condensed: two weeks ago the kids told me that an 18-year-old-boy had been driving them to school from their mothers house. I asked DD about him. She said she was uncomfortable with him because she hadn't spent much time around him.

I was lying in bed with her waiting for her to fall asleep. I told her that I would always protect her, and that she should come to me and tell me if she ever felt unsafe with a grown-up.

Then she comes out with this: "Daddy, I don't like it when you are nude with me. It's inappropriate."

Huh?!?!?

I said, "But I'm never nude with you."

She says, "you don't have a shirt on now. That's inappropriate."

That's pretty much it. I don't know what to think--how much to read into it or not. I told both her psychologist and mine, and they are alarmed at this point. There could be different reasons for what she said, all innocuous.

I absolutely do not believe my XW would "touch" our children. However, I DO believe she would look the other way if someone else were to. Especially if it is the AP POS, as she MUST hold onto him now more than ever.

(I emailed XW requesting she inform me--not the children--if a new person will be driving our children for a significant distance on a regular basis; she replied curtly that he is responsible and then irrelevantly accused me of telling the children they had to go to camp this summer. Whahh! You're just as evil as I am!)

How can you help yourself get your feelings taken care of? Do you have IRL support like a therapist?

Yes, I have a wonderful therapist (who also treated my XW, so is very familiar with her and her Crazy).

The feelings of helplessness are the worst. I so badly want to drive over and truly damage this AP POS who feels he has a right to speak to my children like he does, but I know I cannot. I am sure things are going to get worse and worse until some sort of incident will occur, and then I will have legal recourse. I just hope the children are not irrevocably damaged by whatever will occur and I can save them in time.

Have you ever considered calling child protective services?

My therapist and the kids' therapist work frequently with CPS and have been doing this for almost thirty years. They also know each other. They also know my attorney. This makes me feel safe. They informed me about CPS and when they would be compelled to become involved. So I do feel like I am in good hands.


[This message edited by Abbondad at 7:22 AM, May 18th (Sunday)]


Divorced April Fool's Day 2014

Fear is the mind-killer.
Fear is the little-death that brings total obliteration.
I will face my fear.
I will permit it to pass over me and through me.
-Dune


Posts: 1571 | Registered: Dec 2012
Abbondad
♂ Member
Member # 37898
Default  Posted: 7:35 AM, May 18th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

This...on top of the pic he found of her naked breasts that she sent to OM...and her This...on top of the pic he found of her naked breasts that she sent to OM...and her reaction to that..

Thank you (said sadly) for remembering. Indeed, it was this that finally pushed me to file. Her reaction to my son's reaction, not even the pics themselves.

Reminder: DS told his psychologist about this incident when it happened. Indeed, the doctor brought this up to me yesterday. So he also remembers very well and, I hope, would support me if/when I take legal steps to protect my children and remove them from this toxic, damaging environment.

He still does not know my XW. She is textbook severe NBPD. When he meets with her tomorrow, she will feel "attacked" (one if her favorite words when someone is even vaguely critical of her behavior) and he will become The Enemy--on "my" side and thus in league with the devil since, after all, everything is always and forever my fault.

There is zero possibility that she will acknowledge that any behaviors are wrong or inappropriate. Par for the course.

Three attorneys in one year. Three psychiatrists in one year. Three employers in one year. All tried to talk sense to her. All were wrong, as it is inconceivable to the XW that the problem is her.

I'm still shocked that this has become my life.

[This message edited by Abbondad at 7:38 AM, May 18th (Sunday)]


Divorced April Fool's Day 2014

Fear is the mind-killer.
Fear is the little-death that brings total obliteration.
I will face my fear.
I will permit it to pass over me and through me.
-Dune


Posts: 1571 | Registered: Dec 2012
confused615
♀ Member
Member # 30826
Default  Posted: 8:35 AM, May 18th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

"Daddy, I don't like it when you are nude with me. It's inappropriate."

That sounds like she's been coached to say that. Or someone has said something like," Your dad shouldn't be nude with you, it's inappropriate."


Im sorry AD. Your ex is crazy. I think, in her mind, she got screwed in the divorce. And she has already tried to claim that you're unfit in the past. Could a child molestation charge be next? Im not trying to stir shit up here...but I think that statement from your DD is a huge red flag. I don't think it's the 18 year old you need to worry about. But OM? And your CXW? Yes. Absolutely.

Oh..and the 18 year old driving them to school. How does she know this boy? What's his driving record look like? Who is he?? Im sorry, but it sounds like she has found someone..anyone..to take the kids to school because we all know she doesn't like to do that.

I wouldn't ask any 18 year old to drive my kids to school...unless I knew them VERY well. And even then, probably not. (unless it was an older sibling)

[This message edited by confused615 at 8:35 AM, May 18th (Sunday)]


BS(me)41
FWH 45
4 kids..21,20,11,9
M: June 2001
D-Day: 8/10/10
Status: Happily Reconciled.

..that feeling you get in your stomach, when you heart's broken. It's like all the butterflies just died.


Posts: 7116 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: Indiana
hummingbird8
♀ Member
Member # 25086
Default  Posted: 8:45 AM, May 18th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I understand this is an infidelity forum, but sometimes I can't believe the reactions.

AD how old is your son? Why is he looking in bedroom Windows and did you explain to him why that is not ok? If he looked in the neighbors window and seen them having sex oh my in the middle of the day would cps need called then too?

I'm not saying what AD ex has done is right in the past but in this situation it is your son that is wrong. The bedroom door was locked. Lots of people have sex during the day, even those with kids. I'm pretty sure his son is old enough to play outside or inside by themselves for a few minutes.


Posts: 452 | Registered: Aug 2009
confused615
♀ Member
Member # 30826
Default  Posted: 8:53 AM, May 18th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

So...it's ok to leave the kids outside..9 and 6..playing alone...and lock the bedroom door...but leave the curtains open so the kids...who are playing outside..can look in?

I doubt she left the curtains open so the kids could see them. Im sure she didn't even think about it. That's the problem.


BS(me)41
FWH 45
4 kids..21,20,11,9
M: June 2001
D-Day: 8/10/10
Status: Happily Reconciled.

..that feeling you get in your stomach, when you heart's broken. It's like all the butterflies just died.


Posts: 7116 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: Indiana
Topic Posts: 82
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