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User Topic: Is porn cheating?
NeverAgain2013
♀ Member
Member # 38121
Default  Posted: 5:47 AM, May 18th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I think when we 'forbid' our spouses to watch porn, and try to control what they fantasize about or when they masturbate is unrealistic and it sets you up for failure.

I think any man being treated like a 10 year old and being told he can't watch porn and he can't fantasize about anyone but his wife is going to eventually resent being treated like that and it will cause a lot of problems.

No, I don't see porn as 'cheating.' I see cheating as cheating.


Be careful - that 'knight in shining armor' may very well be nothing more than an assclown wrapped in tin foil.
ME: 50+ years old and cute as a button :-)
Ex-WBF: Just a lying, cheating, gravy-sucking pig - and I left him in 2012.

Posts: 1904 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: USA
Zayda1
♀ Member
Member # 35387
Default  Posted: 6:40 AM, May 18th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I asked WH to take a month off porn 2 years ago. He hasn't gone back to it. He realizes his porn use was taking away from our intimacy and he has chosen not to watch it.

We will watch as a couple, but those instances are few and far between.

I do not view it as cheating, but I do see how it played a role in the slippery slope that led to his affair. As everything in life, it varies depending on the couple/people involved.


Married 9 years, together for 11 years
2 children (7 years & 4 years)
Discovery of PA 04/15/12 (It only lasted a "couple of weeks" but it still shattered my world.)

Posts: 468 | Registered: Apr 2012
steadfast1973
♀ Member
Member # 24719
Default  Posted: 7:22 AM, May 18th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Yeah, Neveragain2013, that's what they told me. They were wrong. I spent 8 years being miserable, while my husband preferred porn, over me. 8 years being rejected while he got his needs fulfilled by a computer. At least 4 years with zero intimacy. Zero passion. Fully believing it would be unfair of me to ask him to stop. That was setting me up for failure. Not believing I had the right to make decisions about MY sex life.

I'm not controlling his life. I am controlling what I am willing to tolerate in mine. And being tossed aside for porn is not something I am willing to tolerate, anymore. If he wants to chose porn over me, that's his decision... But I won't hang around while he does it. He will be single.

By the way, that was his attitute about the prostitute, too. It was unfair of me to rob him of this opportunity for hot NSA sex. He deserved it... And I was unable to give him that.

The stuff he does, everything he does, affects me. His sex life? Yeah, that is 100% my business. Because his sex life IS my sex life. If he wants to control that by himself, then he doesn't need to be married. Until then, I have equal right, and equal say in how he gets off.

[This message edited by steadfast1973 at 7:47 AM, May 18th (Sunday)]


Me- 40- BS Him- 36- WH D-day#1 5/25/09 3 mo. EA d-day#2 11/06/13 Prostitute 11/5/13 in R
"I've seen your flag on the marble arch, our love is not a victory march, it's a cold and broken hallelujah."- Leonard Cohen

Posts: 2286 | Registered: Jul 2009 | From: Midwest
Mama3030
♀ New Member
Member # 42553
Default  Posted: 8:23 AM, May 18th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

"Indeed, porn is considered infidelity in our home, now. He was fapping daily with his porn, while we had sex 3 times over the course of a year. My birthday, his birthday, and our anniversary.
Then he stopped being part of the family, at all. Locking himself in the office. Then clicking on ads, between videos, live cams, cyber sex... That was the slippery slope that led to his little date with the whore.

For me, he was cheating LONG before he put his dick in her... Porn had always been in between us, in terms of intimacy. Porn could be any girl he wanted it to be. Can't compete with that."

Are we married to the same person? Your situation is eerily similar to mine.

I honestly don't think my WH could ever give up porn. It's one of the things I have to figure out if I can live with.


WH 42
BS (me) 33
3 kids- 6. 4, infant

Together 13 years, married for 8

DDAY 2/21/14


Posts: 43 | Registered: Feb 2014
Dallas2
♀ Member
Member # 28362
Default  Posted: 8:38 AM, May 18th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Is it cheating when it denies the other spouse sex and emotional closeness. If you do it together it's just another marraige activity.


Me

Posts: 828 | Registered: Apr 2010
Badhurt
♂ Member
Member # 41947
Default  Posted: 9:11 AM, May 18th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I am not an avid consumer of porn, but I think too many women make too big a deal of it. If it effects your sex life that is one thing, but otherwise there are worse alternatives.
I know that I would much rather have had my WW at home looking at porn with her rabbit, even gay porn, than dressing in skirts up to her ass, and running out to bars and clubs with her girlfriends every time I went out of town on business. Guys with bigger dicks in the videos would have not been nearly as much threat to me as live horny guys just itching to get into her pants, with her girlfriends there encouraging her and egging her on.

Just my opinion


Posts: 1097 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: Eastern USA
ButterflyGirl
♀ Member
Member # 38377
Default  Posted: 10:44 AM, May 18th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm not controlling his life. I am controlling what I am willing to tolerate in mine.

AMEN!!!! <<<<<STANDING OVATION>>>>>


xBW~ 35
Two DS~ 7-Eleven
"I've wiped the shit off. It can be wiped off you know." ~ asurvivor

Posts: 2701 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: Florida, USA
refuz2bavictim
♀ Member
Member # 27176
Default  Posted: 11:12 AM, May 18th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

If it effects your sex life that is one thing, but otherwise there are worse alternatives.

Worse? As in degrees of badness...degrees of lying? Degrees of mentally lusting for another sexually?

Angles have degrees....lies, lust, murder, violence, preganancy...not so much. Those types of situations, really can't be measured in degrees IMO.

This is one of my least favorite arguments in favor of any behavior over that of another.



BS:ME DDay: 7/18/09 Last of TT 7/11/10
MOW's EA/PA all were my "friends" but one


Posts: 2372 | Registered: Jan 2010
steadfast1973
♀ Member
Member # 24719
Default  Posted: 11:54 AM, May 18th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

In our experience, it led to the worse alternatives... He even said so. "It was like... Just more porn. It was the natural next "thing" to do." Yeah, for years, I told myself, "it's better than cheating..." But everything was exactly as it would be of he were. Same foggy wayward justifications, same neglect of me. He was in a LTA with his computer... And he definitely loved her more than me...

I was shocked at how quickly he gave up porn. Originally, when I said it, I was sure it was his dealbreaker. But, it wasn't. He gave it up on dday2, and the last 6 months have been the best sex we have ever had... Even better than the sex we had while still in our late 20's.

The fact is, if it is hurting you, then he should be willing to give it up. If he views it as "controlling his life like a 10 year old boy" then he doesn't get marriage, at all.

[This message edited by steadfast1973 at 12:00 PM, May 18th (Sunday)]


Me- 40- BS Him- 36- WH D-day#1 5/25/09 3 mo. EA d-day#2 11/06/13 Prostitute 11/5/13 in R
"I've seen your flag on the marble arch, our love is not a victory march, it's a cold and broken hallelujah."- Leonard Cohen

Posts: 2286 | Registered: Jul 2009 | From: Midwest
hear-me-roar
♀ Member
Member # 17962
Default  Posted: 1:05 PM, May 18th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

YES, porn is cheating and NO, it is not. The answer depends on the circumstance of the relationship. It can be a mutual beneficial experience between a loving couple to watch and share. Like, sipping a nice wine together. Or, it can be a daily, one-sided event of wild ego ignorance on the part of one person with no regard for the other. Like, every night going out drinking to the max. So, sipping wine together, probably OK. Leaving on your own to get drunk every night, probably not OK.

Porn fantasy played a part in my FWH's EA (maybe PA,?) with his old high school girlfriend of years-back. So yes, I "forbid" him to utilize porn in my presense after my 2nd Dday (same old girlfriend). Control over him has nothing to do with it. Control over my peaceful life direction did. Even though I think my H acted 10 years old with all of his lies to cover lies to not get caught. He has a brain of his own to think-on to decide his own choices.

If his choice was porn, among other demands on my part, then his choice was also to be without me. Because, since Dday, sipping wine with him again would be a painful-heart headache. Although we are in a great life for several years again now, if there is ever a 3rd Dday, I am already gone. For my situation, YES, porn is cheating.

As a side-note, If you have been betrayed in a cheating relationship, I feel it is a duty to your well-being to layout requests/demands of what is acceptable behavior from that point on (if staying together). Please, speak-up and make it crystal clear as to what you will not tolerate in going forward together. "You've got to nip-it in the bud". Peace to all.


Posts: 77 | Registered: Jan 2008
craig2001
♂ Member
Member # 55
Default  Posted: 2:32 PM, May 18th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Since we are talking about porn, are there degrees of porn, soft, hard or those with some sort of plot?

I am asking because I wonder, does anyone on here consider those romance type "novels" that many women read as porn?

My wife seemed to start reading those right before and during her affair. I have no idea if they mattered or not, she says no.

I know the few times I flipped through the books, they were quite sexual and I doubt they had much of a plot.

Or is porn pictures only?


Posts: 4298 | Registered: Jun 2002
steadfast1973
♀ Member
Member # 24719
Default  Posted: 3:00 PM, May 18th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I do consider those sexually explicit romance novels porn... And, no, I don't read them. (I'm a HUGE literary snob) And they played a huge part in my sister's A.

My husband read a lot of "erotica" during his porn daze. In fact, all of his entertainment was porn-ish... Even sexually explicit comics. He cut out regular movies and television. He only watched porn, read porn, and even looked at and read fan fiction porn involving the characters of his favorite video game. He looked at porn on his phone at work. Even after he "finished", he continued to look at porn.


Me- 40- BS Him- 36- WH D-day#1 5/25/09 3 mo. EA d-day#2 11/06/13 Prostitute 11/5/13 in R
"I've seen your flag on the marble arch, our love is not a victory march, it's a cold and broken hallelujah."- Leonard Cohen

Posts: 2286 | Registered: Jul 2009 | From: Midwest
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