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User Topic: Is porn cheating?
adiben
♀ New Member
Member # 40026
Shocked  Posted: 11:24 AM, May 17th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage


If spouse watches porn to get off, is this considered cheating?
Post infidelity, I feel threatened by this.

It also makes me feel uneasy to have this filth being viewed under our same roof.


adb

Posts: 8 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: Seattle
scaredyKat
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Member # 25560
Default  Posted: 11:40 AM, May 17th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You feel threatened, it makes you uneasy. Enough said. It should stop!


Me-BS-60
HIM-SAFWH-63
Damn autocorrect is responsible for the silly errors, sorry!

Posts: 3644 | Registered: Sep 2009 | From: In my head
Gotmegood
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Member # 41407
Default  Posted: 12:23 PM, May 17th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I sense that you are looking for back-up here, validation of your feelings of 'unease' and 'threat'; rather than an answer to the question whether or not pornography in General is to be considered infidelity. In my life post A, in my house, in my marriage, pornography is not acceptable to me. I cannot answer how I would feel if I had discovered WH's pornography use minus the infidelity I discovered. But now, it is absolutely not acceptable with me. WH knows this. He also understands how much his other secretive sexual behavior made me feel, and has agreed to live our life together without it. I want to ask you what his response is when you talk about how awful it makes you feel?


Me: faithful wife 62.
Him: WH 64 , prostitute 20 yr old
DDay: 8-13-2013
Status: boinging up and down like a yo-yo

Posts: 479 | Registered: Nov 2013 | From: Florida
devasted30
♀ Member
Member # 39439
Default  Posted: 12:29 PM, May 17th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I think in the right situation and with both partners in agreement, porn is okay. But, if one partner is uncomfortable with it, it should stop. IMHO


And remember Murphy is right. Nothing is so bad that it can't get worse!!!

Posts: 1310 | Registered: Jun 2013 | From: Ontario, Canada
ButterflyGirl
♀ Member
Member # 38377
Default  Posted: 12:32 PM, May 17th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You feel threatened, it makes you uneasy. Enough said. It should stop!

Bingo. If he's trying to earn your trust back, he needs to do EVERYTHING to put YOUR feelings first.

So for now, he can choose porn, or he can choose you. Period.


Porn in general is a much debated topic here. I don't personally care for it, but I do think there are some gray areas.

Sometimes it could be helpful for a couple trying out new things or something. Nothing wrong with spicing things up a bit.. But this does not work if the porn makes one of the people uncomfortable, and the other partner has to respect that. Me ex and I did it, but like you, it was filthy to me and not very arousing..

I've sometimes wondered if porn has actually lessened the amount of in-real-life cheating since they get some "needs" met, including their egos since they pretend they are in it like weirdos, lol.

But my biggest opinion is that it ABSOLUTELY desensitizes people to the real deal, changes expectations, and take intimacy and emotion out of sex.

Bottom line, if quitting porn is a requirement for you for R right now, stand firm on your boundary...


xBW~ 35
Two DS~ 7-Eleven
"I've wiped the shit off. It can be wiped off you know." ~ Stolen from asurvivor

Posts: 2298 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: Florida, USA
confused615
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Member # 30826
Default  Posted: 12:39 PM, May 17th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

After dday...absolutely.

Before dday....

It was the ONLY thing we argued about. We had small disagreements, of course. But porn was a HUGE problem. It didn't start that way. For the first few years, I was ok with it. Then I started to find porn that I didn't know about..he was hiding it. WHY?? It was "normal" porn. But he was hiding it from me. I would get SO upset. Why the need to hide it from me if we watched porn together on a regular basis? Now..since dday...I have come to realize..and he has admitted...that he got off on hiding it from me. And it was the fact that he kept it hidden from me that he found exciting. Wayward thinking. Oh, and we also weren't having sex very often. I was a ready, willing, and eager partner. I kept myself fit and active, and I was always willing to try new things in the bedroom. But him? He was fine if we had sex once a week....because at the time, he was jacking it to porn every single day. He chose porn over me.

After dday I told him no more. It's a dealbreaker. I refuse to be in a marriage with a man who chooses video whores over me. IM worth it. I refuse to feel anymore insecure that I already do. A year ago it came out that WH is a porn addict. This came out after he stole someone's cell phone from work to watch porn. I found the phone the next day....and the resulting next few months were HELL...worse than after dday. WH has gotten help for this problem, and hasn't watched porn since that day. BUT..as I said...it was a dealbreaker for me. So, while I haven't left..yet...I no longer put forth the effort I was before..he had to show me he was going to work his ass off to change this about him before I threw myself back into the marriage. And..he has. Im just not ready to let those walls down yet.

If you don't want him to view porn anymore, then absolutely tell him how you feel. Be very open and raw about the way it makes you feel...and tell him if he views porn again, knowing how terribly hurt you will be, then his actions will show you just how committed he is to healing the damage he's caused.

[This message edited by confused615 at 12:40 PM, May 17th (Saturday)]


BS(me)42
FWH 45
4 kids
M: June 2001
D-Day: 8/10/10
Status: Reconciling?

..that feeling you get in your stomach, when you heart's broken. It's like all the butterflies just died.


Posts: 7668 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: Indiana
StillGoing
♂ Member
Member # 28571
Default  Posted: 12:40 PM, May 17th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Doesn't matter if it is or not, it makes you uncomfortable and threatened. Your spouse needs to respect that.


"You have insulted my footwear."

Posts: 7469 | Registered: May 2010 | From: USA
hopefull77
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Member # 43221
Default  Posted: 12:47 PM, May 17th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

A big fat YES!!!
My h looked at porn pre A and I know now that was the slippery slope...porn is rejection free sex....
he hasn't looked at it for years...because he was getting all the ego kibbles for 2years with his willing and able AP....
and now with all the work with counseling he sees just how harmul it was to me our marriage and most especially to himself...


me-BS
him-WS
3 adult children 1D 2S
married-1977
LTA 09-2010 - 11-2012
D-day - 11-11-2012
status - reconciling and very hopeful
"Let Go of Control; Let God's Life Flow" ...Richard Rohr



Posts: 606 | Registered: Apr 2014 | From: sunny california
steadfast1973
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Member # 24719
Default  Posted: 12:52 PM, May 17th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Indeed, porn is considered infidelity in our home, now. He was fapping daily with his porn, while we had sex 3 times over the course of a year. My birthday, his birthday, and our anniversary.

Then he stopped being part of the family, at all. Locking himself in the office. Then clicking on ads, between videos, live cams, cyber sex... That was the slippery slope that led to his little date with the whore.

For me, he was cheating LONG before he put his dick in her... Porn had always been in between us, in terms of intimacy. Porn could be any girl he wanted it to be. Can't compete with that.


Me- 40- BS Him- 36- WH D-day#1 5/25/09 3 mo. EA d-day#2 11/06/13 Prostitute 11/5/13 in R
"I've seen your flag on the marble arch, our love is not a victory march, it's a cold and broken hallelujah."- Leonard Cohen

Posts: 2286 | Registered: Jul 2009 | From: Midwest
steadfast1973
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Member # 24719
Default  Posted: 12:53 PM, May 17th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Sorry, my ipad derped...

[This message edited by steadfast1973 at 12:53 PM, May 17th (Saturday)]


Me- 40- BS Him- 36- WH D-day#1 5/25/09 3 mo. EA d-day#2 11/06/13 Prostitute 11/5/13 in R
"I've seen your flag on the marble arch, our love is not a victory march, it's a cold and broken hallelujah."- Leonard Cohen

Posts: 2286 | Registered: Jul 2009 | From: Midwest
steadfast1973
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Member # 24719
Default  Posted: 12:53 PM, May 17th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thrice.

[This message edited by steadfast1973 at 12:54 PM, May 17th (Saturday)]


Me- 40- BS Him- 36- WH D-day#1 5/25/09 3 mo. EA d-day#2 11/06/13 Prostitute 11/5/13 in R
"I've seen your flag on the marble arch, our love is not a victory march, it's a cold and broken hallelujah."- Leonard Cohen

Posts: 2286 | Registered: Jul 2009 | From: Midwest
Neithan
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Member # 35924
Default  Posted: 1:02 PM, May 17th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It's not considered cheating in our household.

We have long watched it together, and my wife has also regularly used it on her own, both before and since the affair. She's open about it to me and it's not an issue.

It would only become an issue if her use of it prevented her from having sex with me. That hasn't occurred yet. I doubt it will.


Me: BH
Her: WW
D-Day: 2/19/2010
Married 1981
That which does not kill me makes me more irritable

Posts: 333 | Registered: Jun 2012 | From: Among the Gaurwaith
Better4it
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Member # 43420
Default  Posted: 1:17 PM, May 17th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Speaking from a man's perspective porn is NOT healthy for the marriage. Besides the negative effects of the women being used in the porn, it takes away from the intamacy that God gave husband and wife to share together. If I have to think about other people's sex acts or other women to reach orgasm when I'm with my wife? It sounds like cheating to me.


WW 40 (her)
BH 40 (me)

Posts: 63 | Registered: May 2014 | From: Southwest
Nature_Girl
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Member # 32554
Default  Posted: 1:28 PM, May 17th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It is cheating as far as I'm concerned, and I'll never tolerate it again.


Me = BS (Stay-at-home-mom)
Him = EX-d out (abusive troglodyte NPD SA)
3 tween-aged kids
Together 20 years
D-Day: Memorial Weekend 2011
2013 - I DIVORCED HIM, I'M FREE!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RBOJpIwF47Y

Posts: 9810 | Registered: Jun 2011 | From: USA
RipsInMyChest
♀ Member
Member # 41166
Default  Posted: 6:29 PM, May 17th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

But my biggest opinion is that it ABSOLUTELY desensitizes people to the real deal, changes expectations, and take intimacy and emotion out of sex.

^^^^This!!!!!

My H says a big part of his ONS was because "it was like a porn". He was desensitized to looking at other women to achieve orgasm.

He has not looked at porn in over a year and we are both better for it. Now his sexual focus is on me where it should be!


Me: BW 41
FWH 41
Together 21 yrs, M 18, 2 kids
DDay: 12/11/12 ONS with CW
Used condom, got chlamydia anyway.

His betrayal of me was not because I didn't shine brightly enough, but because he chose to put on blinders.


Posts: 260 | Registered: Oct 2013
BeyondBreaking
♀ Member
Member # 38020
Default  Posted: 8:09 PM, May 17th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Cheating is subjective.

In an open relationship in which spouses swing, and both parties are honest with each other and comfortable with it- nobody is cheating. Everyone is okay.

Some couples consider flirting to be cheating, some don't.


I consider porn to be cheating in my marriage at this point.
But the standards my husband and I live by are different than what my friends choose to do in their own marriages.

As a general rule, I consider anything you wouldn't do (sexual) with your partner right next to you to be cheating.

So the question is- what is your comfort level? What are your values and boundaries? Is your spouse honest with you about his viewing habits?


I have been cheated on by 3 different men, and I have more DDays than anyone ever should. I am here, just trying to pickup the pieces.

At least the current man "only" cyber-cheated.

"Love means never having to say you're sorry."


Posts: 840 | Registered: Jan 2013
steadfast1973
♀ Member
Member # 24719
Default  Posted: 9:04 PM, May 17th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/i-can-relate/201403/it-doesn-t-hurt-look-does-it

Interestingly enough, this was posted on Psychology Today, today.

And yeah, I also got the "it was the same thing as the porn" on dday2. He was so detached from real life, that it was perfectly normal for him to be doing it.

Before that? He couldn't go a full day without watching at least one video. And I no longer looked like the girls in the movies, so i was no longer an option. At that point, in my book, he was already cheating.

I had issues with the porn use even before dday1... But every one told me it was unfair... That it would be taking away his manhood... That it was controlling. Poppycock. It hurt me, and made me feel less than. He knew that, and kept doing it. That was what was unfair.

[This message edited by steadfast1973 at 9:08 PM, May 17th (Saturday)]


Me- 40- BS Him- 36- WH D-day#1 5/25/09 3 mo. EA d-day#2 11/06/13 Prostitute 11/5/13 in R
"I've seen your flag on the marble arch, our love is not a victory march, it's a cold and broken hallelujah."- Leonard Cohen

Posts: 2286 | Registered: Jul 2009 | From: Midwest
phoenix2015
♀ Member
Member # 42039
Default  Posted: 9:20 PM, May 17th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Is watching other people have sex considered cheating on your spouse....YES!!


Me: BS, 43 yrs
Him: WH, 45 yrs
Married 23 yrs
4 daughters, 7-18 yrs
D-day:9/10/13
4 week EA
Porn addiction 15 yrs

Your character is what you do when you think no one is watching.


Posts: 77 | Registered: Jan 2014
Adeahan
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Member # 43005
Default  Posted: 9:25 PM, May 17th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

thats a tough one, i would say that if it makes you uncomfortable and want him to stop, he should respect you and your wishes and stop.


Me 33, H 31,D-Day 03/30/14, Together 12 years, married 2, 3 kids, 3 dogs, Working on R
"nobody is gonna hit as hard as life. But it ainít about how hard you hit. Itís about how hard you can get hit and keep moving forward"

Posts: 138 | Registered: Apr 2014 | From: Ontario, Canada
kansas1968
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Member # 32214
Default  Posted: 9:40 PM, May 17th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I don't think so, but that is just my opinion. I think most men have looked at some form of porn since they were teenagers. Do I think it may lead to cheating, possibly, but I just don't know.


Me - BS
Him - FWS
DD - December 14, 2010
Married 43 years 1/14/2011
Affair lasted 7+ years
Affair had been over for 2 years before I found out. OW sent me a letter.

Posts: 1319 | Registered: May 2011 | From: Kansas
Topic Posts: 32
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