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User Topic: Just need a little advice
HealingInProgres
♀ New Member
Member # 20630
Default  Posted: 12:25 AM, May 17th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I could go on and on about the numerous affairs at the start of our relationship, both emotional and physical. I could even outline how we met and how, at times, I have felt I deserved this fate because we started our relationship out as an affair. That said, what I really need is some advice. I found out last night that my husband tried to pursue another woman (girl actually as she is only 25 or 26). She found out he was married with kids and flat out refused him though they stayed in contact via phone and met up a few times a month. All this can be seen in the emails sent between them; him, desperately pursuing her and she, stating that things should remain as they are. I confronted him about it. He was honest and remorseful, more so than with any of the previous affairs. He also made some valuable suggestions to try and prevent something of this nature from happening again. But, then he says, "I can't guarantee this won't happen again." And, honestly, that's true. Most people don't plan an affair; as many will attest to, they "just happen". So my question is (and forgive me if I sound absolutely ridiculous but be gentle in your judgment; I am 8 months pregnant and slept a mere 2 hours last night) is he being realistic or am I just bring stupid? We have two other children together and I really do love him and am committed to him and, for all of his mistakes (which occurred early on in our relationship before we were married and had kids), I know he loves me and loves our children. So what do I do with such a statement? I have been through this so many times now I need a more objective opinion.

Posts: 27 | Registered: Aug 2008
gotmylifeback
♂ Member
Member # 32693
Default  Posted: 1:02 AM, May 17th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

HealingInProgres,
A couple of things. First, I do not believe that affairs "just happen." Maybe they were not planned or expected, but they don't just happen in a vacuum.

Your SO was pursuing another woman. He had as you put it, "numerous affairs" at the start of your relationship. Being honest about his actions now is not the same as being remorseful. He may have made suggestions to prevent something from happening again, but words are cheap.

But I think this says all that you need to know:

"I can't guarantee this won't happen again."

So, basically he is already making an excuse for any future affairs. He is saying that he has no control over his actions. So, is he expecting you to not be upset, hurt, or surprised if it happens again?

The Wayward forum is filled with truly remorseful WS's. There are many threads where people are sharing what they are doing to help their spouses heal; or asking for help on how to help their spouse. They are being proactive and taking steps to prevent an affair from ever happening again. Changing jobs, moving to another city, IC, etc.

What has your SO done to show that he is remorseful? Has he done IC?

What are you wanting in your relationship and what are you willing to live with?


Her-Unremorseful, Wayward ex wife
Me-No longer a betrayed husband

Happily remarried.

"You are what you do. A man is defined by his actions, not his memory." - Kuato in Total Recall


Posts: 598 | Registered: Jul 2011 | From: between Oz and Wonderland
sunvalley
♀ Member
Member # 42952
Default  Posted: 1:13 AM, May 17th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Im sorry youre going through this and almost due! Gently I think if this statement is sitting wrong with you, and you didnt sleep last night, then you know its bothering you for a reason. Is it possible its a horribly miscommunicated message about how while he has every intention of staying faithful, he cant predict the future? Possibly. But what bothers me about it is there is no sense of determination and commitment to R and staying faithful in that statement. I realize that none of us know the future but I dont believe As just happen. In true remorse with commitment to recovery and IC a person can change the behaviors and coping mechanisms that allowed them to go down this path. My H has been remorseful, and focused intensely on self discovery and understanding. He does not want to ever go down this road again, after seeing the pain he caused me he is working his butt off to heal and grow. If he ever implied to me that he had doubts that he could stay faithful after all we have been through then I wouldnt feel he was committed to R or me. In fact usually its me telling him that he cant make those determined predictions of never doing this again or guarantee it wont happen because Im scared of being hurt again, but I do appreciate that he is trying to be committed to his promises and believes he can guarantee this wil never happen again. I dont feel I could R if he had any other perspective.

I do hope for your sake it was miscommunicated. I know people who have these I caanot predict the future therefore I will tell you worst case scenario perspectives...I dont find it fair. It makes it really hard to navigate their true intentions when they make these kinds of statements.


Dday July 2013
Me: BW mid 30s
Him: WH mid 30s
4PAs, multiple online As

Posts: 668 | Registered: Mar 2014
Ostrich80
Member
Member # 34827
Default  Posted: 3:53 AM, May 17th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

He also made some valuable suggestions to try and prevent something of this nature from happening again


I'm curious about this statement. Were his suggestions for you or him? He's not trying to say if you do xyz that it will help him to be faithful, is he?
Your going to be having a little one very soon so I hope for right now you can concentrate on taking care of yourself.
I know its hard when you have this info to think about.
I'm afraid I agree with the others, he's not making any promises this won't keep happening. I'm really sorry that at a time you should be feeling joyous, he's causing you this anguish. Take care of you and the little ones, he wouldn't be on.my.priority list right now. Let him take care of himself


BS..me
WS..him
Been with him over half my life
4kid
DD1 10-01-09 DD2 02-12-12 discovered it never ended
OW..nothing special. Just your average skank
Status..#$%@????

Posts: 5134 | Registered: Feb 2012 | From: midwest
NeverAgain2013
♀ Member
Member # 38121
Default  Posted: 4:28 AM, May 17th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I hate to say it, but there really is merit to the statement, "if they'll do it with you, they'll do it to you." And your husband is living proof of that.

He's a serial cheater whose cheated his entire life, and moral-less as he may be, at least he's honest when he tells you he can't guarantee it won't happen again. He knows it's going to happen again and I think deep down, you do too. He's not remorseful because this is a way of life for him.

I think it comes down to whether you want to spend your life with a serial cheater or whether you want to seek better for yourself.

I think your last statement about having been through this 'so many times now' pretty much sums up what you can expect for the rest of your life if you stay with him.

Good luck to you.


Be careful - that 'knight in shining armor' may very well be nothing more than an assclown wrapped in tin foil.
ME: 50+ years old and cute as a button :-)
Ex-WBF: Just a lying, cheating, gravy-sucking pig - and I left him in 2012.

Posts: 1819 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: USA
HealingInProgres
♀ New Member
Member # 20630
Default  Posted: 3:51 AM, May 18th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank you, everyone, for responding! Admittedly, much of what was said was not easy to hear but it needed to be said and I needed to hear it! I asked him to clarify his comment this morning prefacing it with the question, "If you knew I would cheat on you in the future would you stay with me?" Unsurprisingly, he said no. When I told him that his comment made me question his ability to provide the future for me and the kids we needed he said that what he meant is that he can't promise that another attractive woman/girl won't approach him again and that he might again face a similar temptation. That said, he also said he wouldn't cheat on me ... again. Honestly, if I wasn't living in a foreign country and about to give birth I would be much more inclined to leave but it is literally not possible at this moment in time. I am tired, physically and emotionally but I appreciate each of you taking the time to respond! I am a bit of a lurker (hence the lack if posts) but this community has made me feel a lot less alone in my struggles.

Posts: 27 | Registered: Aug 2008
Topic Posts: 6

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