I'm looking for a S-Anon meeting. Hopefully there is something in my area. I need to talk to some people who are going through the same things. I feel so much anger and hate. I want to forgive him, I want to live again in peace. I want to enjoy my children and friends and not always think about this. It's not an easy road we have to travel down but you are so right. Many have done it, and lived through it so can we.
Thank God for all of you, I get my strength in here. Now I can start my day and try to unload my dishwasher but that's it! lol. Other than that I don't have a lot to offer right now and I'm ok with that. It's only been a week so I'm trying not to be too hard on myself.
Thank you all so much. Quiet.....your husband is so lucky to have you as are many husbands on here. You are strong woman.
I know I should do it, but it feels so selfish that it feels wrong.
I know soconfusednow. It does feel wrong but, I finally figured out why at least for me. My belief is that marriage is all about two people who love each other each of whom are invested 100% in the other. Every day I did something I thought would make my H happy. Something that would make him realize how much I loved him and wanted him to be happy which would ignite the same feelings in him to do the same for me. Guess what? It didn't work.
What SA has taught me is that they are takers. They got stuck during an important developmental stage and they didn't grow up and learn to give back. They stayed planted in their selfishness and world of "its all about me". We, as the spouses, tend to be nurturers and givers at heart so it comes naturally for us but, now that we have come to the fork in the road and are staring down the SA monster it's time to step back and realize that they haven't been thinking about us at all. They have taken everything they could get from us. For me, I was sucked dry.
If they have never learned to put anyone else before themselves (it used to be called manners when I was growing up) then now is the time to start learning. They won't start to process this until they no longer have their surrogate mommy (us) "helping" and guiding them along. It's a crash course in consideration and learning to give back (adulthood)which, of course, might build up to that dreaded *intimacy* word. Shudder. It's about learning to be responsible as husbands and fathers and taking their place in society.
We have all been wounded in ways we never knew were possible and we cannot attend to the gaps in our heart and stop the hemorrhage while we are trying to put a sling on our SA's arm and drive them to the doctor. They NEED to do this work. It is vital to maturing and being complete. We also have work to do. We have to stop believing that we are the only ones that can get this done. We have to remember that we are NOT the mommy and its not up to us to make sure this turns out right. They may have a handicap but, they are adults and they NEED to figure this out. They will if their heart is in it.
Now, it is time for us to spend some time with ourselves and figure out why it is we feel like we are responsible for the worlds happiness and why are we ok with never getting anything in return. I'm certainly not there yet but, am determined to figure this out. I don't see martyrdom as a particularly good thing however, I have certainly played the part for many, many years. Something has to give so, I am going to step back and let H do HIS work and I will do mine. I refuse to let his effed up thinking hurt me anymore because it still does if I don't recognize it for what it is.
Didn't mean for this to become a novel. It's just something I've had on my heart for a long time now and for the first time in many months, something is finally making sense.
Whatgives - pm
You're braver than you believe, and stronger than you seem, and smarter than you think (A A Milne)
I schedule a polygraph for this weekend and just hammered out the questions with the guy, I feel sick to my stomach talking to a stranger about it and for even having a reason to need his services. Ugh I really hate the hubby right now for this. I dread what choices I will need to make should anything come back untruthful but need to mentally prepare over the next few days
Anyone here low or no contact with their spouse? I need it to save what's left of my sanity, but it's embarrassingly difficult for me to cut him out of my life. I think I'm addicted too. Anybody have any helpful suggestions? It's a struggle hour to hour.
I did point him in the right direction of the meeting last week and he made the call. He told me this morning through text that he loved me and he was going. I have little faith at this point as being selfish is far more easy then the hard work involved in therapy. Those of you who choose to stay witness that first hand with how they behave and suck the life out of you. I don't see him much and we hardly even text anymore aside from my blowout with him last night which leads me to believe it's better that way. If he's going to get treatment, he will have to want to do that on his own or he will only drag me further down with him. At this point I'm just trying to survive myself so I'm of no use to him. Nothing he can say, right now or do can take this pain away whether he is here or not. So it's better he's not here. It surely is a tough one!
@Jls Waiting is the last thing I want to do. He's unwilling or unable to be honest with me. He keeps saying I know it all and then adds more. He gets upset if I remind him of something he said 3 days ago because "now I'm telling you the truth ". I just need him to shut the hell up for now and stop lobbing grenades at me. I hope your guy means what he says, mine doesn't.
I'm just tired of feeling miserable. I know that I will feel the pain for a very long time, but as CoSA teaches me: I don't have to stay in it if I don't want to. These emotions have to be felt and endured. That's what I'm doing, but I also want move on from the pain and resentment even if it will take a long time. I want to heal. Because if it doesn't work out, I need to make sure that I don't bring this pain and resent to someone else...although honestly, if it doesn't work out, I'm not going to get married or be in a committed relationship. I'm going work as a counselor and professor of counseling, and on my vacations I'm going to have a good time and if it means I need to go out and get some (as long as the guy or girl ain't married) I will!
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things that I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.
((outtanowhere)) I think what you wrote about SA's being takers is true 99% of the time but my husband is a giver - flowers, cards, love notes, plans surprise concert tickets, always doing nice things for me, etc. That's my confusion. It's like a split personality. So mine is a giver but he definitely gets the Best Actor award.
Just got back from my STD testing. That was fun.
[This message edited by QuietNoMore at 5:29 AM, May 21st (Wednesday)]
Sometimes life throws shit instead of flowers.
For me, H just was happy when I was in control which, was always. He was always a workaholic (go figure) so I was in charge of literally everything else. The house, laundry, kids on top of my job. I found a way to make things work in his absence since he would never take any responsibility for anything other than work related. He would randomly try to step in and be "The Man" but, it usually just turned out to be a major disruption in the routine that everyone was accustomed to so, it usually was catastrophic.
I was the primary caretaker and disciplinarian for the kids. They didn't respect him and I was constantly trying to reel them in especially when they hit the teenage years. I know now that having so many work obligations was his way out of his head of the household duties. And, I let him do it. I thought I was helping to alleviate some of the stressors in his life by managing everything that I could possibly handle and, he let me. Major source of resentment there needless to say.
The taker in him drained me physically and emotionally. When our daughter died at age 6 he just bailed on me. It was just too much for him to grieve with me so, it hurt but, I tried to be *understanding* and didn't ask anything of him. Any time the task was to great for him he just passed it off for me to handle all by myself. That's what I mean by the taker.
I working to try to understand why I accepted that. I wasn't allowed to decline the task even when I thought it was going to kill me and, I just somehow accepted that as a fact of life. I have no choice now but to let him carry his own weight because, I am too broken and weary to even try and, I'm learning that is not such a bad thing. Accountability is a beautiful thing.
Your character is what you do when you think no one is watching.
I hope you find some peace. That's my hope for all us that are here. It's so painful and heart wrenching to know that what we give so much and got so little in return. In your case and many others, you gave a lot more than I could ever imagine. I feel your pain right now girl.
It isn't always easy to pick and chose meetings, although in my area there are many. Some are SLAA meetings, I'm not comfortable with their definition of sobriety. It's important to remember that to an addict, there is often as blurring of the gender lines, addicts seek sex with anyone.
Women are EVERYWHERE. Just because there is a female in his recovery group it isn't the kiss of death.