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I Can Relate     Print Topic    
User Topic: Spouses/Partners of Sex Addicts-13
outtanowhere
♀ Member
Member # 39001
Default  Posted: 7:58 AM, May 19th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I equate navigating through this trauma to trying to swim thru mud. It takes literally everything you've got to propel yourself forward thru the thick, unforgiving mass only to hit the occasional spot where it is a little thinner and requires less effort when you can temporarily catch your breath and rest your arms. Of course, it's a whole ocean of mud. I envision just focusing on getting to the next rock or island so I can get a much needed reprieve.

We have all heard it time and again here and it's finally really making sense to me that we have to focus on ourselves. We can't swim with one arm trying to drag our H with us. We won't make it. They will take us down with them if we aren't careful. Throw him a life preserver, strap your on and for once, let him do his own work. We spouses have let them get away with not being the responsible partners they should have been and, IMHO, has in turn enabled them to feed their addiction while neglecting us. No doubt we did it out of love but, now it's time literally for them to sink or swim.

Do whatever it takes to keep the focus on you. If the relationship is still there when you get to the other side then that's wonderful. If not, you will be in a much better place to start your life over and hopefully be happy and peaceful. Imagine that! Peaceful. Wow!


BS - 58
SAWH - 61 multiple encounters with prostitutes and other sex workers
Married 38 years
Dday - 2/19/13 - found the emails
He promised me Heaven then put me thru hell

Posts: 776 | Registered: Apr 2013
OnlyDo
♀ Member
Member # 41991
Default  Posted: 8:49 AM, May 19th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Sorry for that trigger filled rant. He emailed me some more information last night including his username on Eccie. No warning about the posts I'd find him leaving for prostitutes, the explicit details of what he was looking for. He knew I'd been having a racing, irregular heart rate all day. I couldn't drive, couldn't walk for more that 3 yards without having to sit down panting for breath. I suspect he might have been trying to kill me. HEY SHITHEAD, I'm still standing.(^_^)╭∩╮


me BW 55
him SAWH 39
19 yrs, 2 kids
Multiple D days Sep 2011 - Jan 2014
EA's, PA, Craigslist, Backpages, strip clubs, lap dances, camgirls, "massages", prostitutes
Separated, heading towards divorce

Posts: 108 | Registered: Jan 2014
Sparkle0504
♀ Member
Member # 40379
Default  Posted: 9:05 AM, May 19th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Indeed you are OnlyDo and you will get better and better at it as time goes on

I know that feeling and it's the worst. You will get through it.


Me 44 (BS) Him 52 (SAWH)
DDay (too many to mention), but 1st 06/2011

The truth hurts, but nowhere near as much as the lies
"Sounds harsh, but she's my wife and I'm supposed to be there when she's having sex" Sal1995


Posts: 246 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: England
QuietNoMore
♀ New Member
Member # 43410
Default  Posted: 9:26 AM, May 19th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank you (((Outtanowhere))). Thank-you thank-you thank-you. So sick inside here. Yesterday was a good day today is again. It seems to be one day up one day down for me. What you have written is helping me to refocus yet again.

(((onlydo))) rant away. It made me laugh. I look forward to the day when the numbness has dissapated enough for me to feel anger.

(((AlleyK))) Have you read "Your Sexually Addicted Spouse - How Partners can Cope and Heal" by Barbara Steffens and Marsha Means? I am reading it now, it will help you. You need to focus on you. HE needs to focus on him - or not. You decide at the end of the journey if he is worth keeping (or getting back with if you leave) but this won't help you "I guess part of me is scared that if I do tell him to leave, he will in fact not recover, and will just be gone forever. I'm terrified of making any decisions. Why can't I let go?" If he doesn't recover he doesn't recover. He has to do it for himself. He can't do it for you. Don't worry about abandoning him. He isn't a child, you are not responsible for him. Leaving or kicking him out may or may not wake him up, either way you have to look after you. Big hugs and strength to you.

(((Broken1126))) your husband is living in an illusion if he thinks it's easy to stop. My husband only woke up when he took the "Am I a sex addict" questionnaire. Now instead of excuses it is "I am sick. I need help." Get the keylogger. Best thing I ever did (and worst) but you have the right to know. Get the evidence, make printouts (in case he deletes everything).

(((Whatgives))) have you read the 180? If not please do - I read it yesterday. It helps you to move forward alone or with him: http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/faq_bs.asp#FAQ11
((((hugs))) to everyone on here.

[This message edited by QuietNoMore at 1:37 AM, May 20th (Tuesday)]


BW: 49
SA-WH: 45
Married 4 years.
DDay: May 4, 2014

Sometimes life throws shit instead of flowers.


Posts: 28 | Registered: May 2014
Sparkle0504
♀ Member
Member # 40379
Default  Posted: 10:23 AM, May 19th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage


your husband is living in an illusion if he thinks it's easy to stop. My husband only woke up when he took the "Am I a sex addict" questionnaire. Now instead of excuses it is "I am sick. I need help." Get the keylogger. Best thing I ever did (and worst) but you have the right to know. Get the evidence, make printouts (in case he deletes everything).

Totally agree with this. Sadly my SAWH wont currently even take the test. He's just (claiming to be) white knuckling it. As things currently stand I cannot see a future for us.


Me 44 (BS) Him 52 (SAWH)
DDay (too many to mention), but 1st 06/2011

The truth hurts, but nowhere near as much as the lies
"Sounds harsh, but she's my wife and I'm supposed to be there when she's having sex" Sal1995


Posts: 246 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: England
whatgives
♀ Member
Member # 43395
Default  Posted: 10:40 AM, May 19th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks Quiet - yes I have been reading the 180 over and over when I have those crazy moments. I don't call or text him now. We actually have no contact for days. I'm so glad I have you all. It's been my only serenity to be honest. I step outside my door the world has no idea that we are split up let alone that he is a frigging pervert .

Onlydo - I to laughed very ard at your post and I needed a laugh . I know it's so painful for you right now but we are here. I just wish you didn't have to give him your access to here. You need a safe place from him. I hope you are safe.

Broken - My boyfriend promised 3 times to get help and even admitted he had an addiction and couldn't control his selfish behaviour. I guess It was me that didn't realize until now how serious all this was. Well, my naivety in this area laid the platform for him to continue on with the behaviour and just go further underground with the secrecy. I have so many regrets about that. A year and a half ago I should have demanded full transparency, and access to everything like I wanted but I didn't want to nag. I though he had this after all we don't want to be babysitters. REGRETS.


Posts: 51 | Registered: May 2014 | From: Toronto
QuietNoMore
♀ New Member
Member # 43410
Default  Posted: 10:50 AM, May 19th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Ahhh ladies. I am so confused. I am trying to look at all options, look after myself, approach this pragmatically not emotionally.

I just read an article on why to leave a cheater and now I am really second guessing my resolve to even try and fix this mess my husband has landed us in. What am I doing? Am I just wasting my time? I am almost 50 years old. How many more years should I waste seeing if this man can right himself. And will I always be waiting and watching for him to fall again? I want off the rollercoaster. My dreams are shattered. Is this new reality ever going to be enough?

This woman makes a hell of a lot of sense.

http://beingabeautifulmess.wordpress.com/2013/08/14/why-you-should-leave-a-cheater/

Thoughts?


BW: 49
SA-WH: 45
Married 4 years.
DDay: May 4, 2014

Sometimes life throws shit instead of flowers.


Posts: 28 | Registered: May 2014
whatgives
♀ Member
Member # 43395
Default  Posted: 1:28 PM, May 19th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi Quiet - I feel your pain. Just finished reading about narcissists and sociopaths in the article. So many traits I can relate to my boyfriend. Not all, but there are quite a few. Scary. I think He "Aborted" LOL! I'm up and down with my emotions but I'm glad he's not here in my space as I deal with it. I find it very difficult, sad, lonely and times I cry non-stop. Having said that, I'm glad I'm doing it alone because if he was here he couldn't help anyways. I miss him but the Man I miss was never real in the first place.... I guess. I'm not sure we will ever know if they are real unless they do the work to prove it whole heartedly. Take your time. You don't need to do anything drastic yet but then again if you feel you need space it might be the best thing for "YOU". I couldn't imagine having my WS here now going through all of my emotions. I think it would prohibit me from processing it properly.......not easy not having him around either...so messed up the effing situation

Posts: 51 | Registered: May 2014 | From: Toronto
OnlyDo
♀ Member
Member # 41991
Default  Posted: 2:07 PM, May 19th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

((whatgives))
I've been going through it with my husband nearby. It's been nice being able to see him when I want, and being able to shut him out when I don't. That said, everything still sucks. I've realized I've spent a lot more time comforting him than he has me for the last few months. How messed up is that? I guess it just shows I'm a better partner than he is, as if we needed more proof of that

I'm guessing most of us are partnered with SO's who aren't putting in half the work we are into dealing with their mess. I found this to be helpful

http://chumplady.com/2012/06/untangling-the-skein-of-fuckupedness/

[This message edited by OnlyDo at 2:22 PM, May 19th (Monday)]


me BW 55
him SAWH 39
19 yrs, 2 kids
Multiple D days Sep 2011 - Jan 2014
EA's, PA, Craigslist, Backpages, strip clubs, lap dances, camgirls, "massages", prostitutes
Separated, heading towards divorce

Posts: 108 | Registered: Jan 2014
whatgives
♀ Member
Member # 43395
Default  Posted: 5:00 PM, May 19th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

OnlyDo- I can understand why you do it. You LOVE him but you need to focus on processing this yourself and take care of "YOU". I'm in no shape to give advice but this one seems like something we should all do. Mine walked out, without accountability at this point, but at least I don't have him around when I'm going through these different stages, nor do I want him here. On many levels I miss him but at this point I don't want him back.

This occurred to me earlier. I have an 11 year old daughter. She will soon grow into a beautiful teenager with beautiful friends coming over. Do I want someone who has this level of sickness, gawking at her and her friends. Do I want them to start seeing a man that's been raising her as pervert or creepy because they catch the stares. Gives new meaning to the term dirty old man. I know he's not into children but children grow up. Just one more thing I add to my pile of why I wouldn't want him back. Sad really. Very, Very Sad.

Read the article and yes I agree with it. I'm with Chump Lady! Sorry to say.


Posts: 51 | Registered: May 2014 | From: Toronto
Compartmented
Member
Member # 29410
Default  Posted: 6:42 PM, May 19th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Do I want them to start seeing a man that's been raising her as pervert or creepy because they catch the stares.
My X's escalation was towards younger and younger women. Frightening. Interestingly enough, when the children confronted their dad about his drinking and his disturbing comments to their friends, the comments they mentioned were to the young men.

Posts: 1322 | Registered: Aug 2010
Quakingaspen
♀ Member
Member # 41153
Default  Posted: 8:31 PM, May 19th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Sorry I posted and ran, it has been a very long weekend.

TooMany, thank you for responding. I am 37, been married for 17 years. I am in IC, but the resources here aren't great. I am moving soon though to be closer to family and hopefully better meetings, more opportunities. I'm applying for jobs, and working part-time, but it is all so overwhelming, and I feel so resentful sometimes that he gets to focus on himself, and have all his pity parties, and sobriety coins while I am picking up the pieces.

I do a fair job of focusing on myself, and have been enjoying more and more days where I am fine. But then, I cycle back down, or he starts something with me for attention, and I just have a hard time snapping back out of it.

A lot of things that probably should have been red flags have come flooding back over the past weeks, and I don't see my IC until Friday. We had a fight over the weekend because he wanted to take our daughter for the day to hang out. On the one hand, I want to believe this would be fine. She has been missing him, and I know it would be encouraging to him to have time spent with her. BUT, whatgives brought up something that's been nagging at me. I don't trust myself to say whether or not he is safe. I am not ready to really go into how bad he got, because I am still coming to terms with it, but he had rape fantasies and prefers much younger women. I recalled this week how relieved I was that he changed fields early on because I was worried about the temptation that access to young women would be to him. For so long I thought it was something he would grow out of, something that he would mature out of. He got really good at hiding it, and I put up with a lot thinking at least it was just going on at home. Plus, one of his last CL ads was that he was looking for a "daddy's girl type".

So, all this in mind, I told him that I don't really feel good about her spending all day with him, expecting some reassurance or compromise... something. But, I got anger and accusation that how dare I think he would do something to OUR daughter? I got lectured about how I don't care about his recovery or him, and if that's how I really feel about it, then just tell her he doesn't have time to see her. His behavior with the kids is a whole different level of bizarre.

And then, I KNOW his sobriety is a lie. He's bragging to me about his hourly struggle, how he's not done any of "those things" since January, when I KNOW, thanks to my access to one of his email accounts, that he's been doing those things as recently as two weeks ago. I am afraid confronting him would only drive him deeper underground. I'm afraid not confronting him is ennabling him. And THEN, I remind myself that I am not invested anymore in whether or not he's lying. It makes not one bit of difference to me right now if he's telling the truth or not because he's shown me that he cannot be depended upon, and I need to get a move on with my life.

But that's only partly true. I do feel invested because I want him to succeed for himself and the kids. I know this has been a long struggle, and I know there is a part of him that really hates this. I just wish this part were already over.


I've seen enough.

WS-SA/NPD
D-Day: Too many in 17 years of marriage. LAST time 10/17/2013.


Posts: 122 | Registered: Oct 2013 | From: A little bit closer to Reality
whatgives
♀ Member
Member # 43395
Default  Posted: 9:45 PM, May 19th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Quaking - I would understand your fears in all of this especially with those thoughts he's having. First and foremost we have to protect those who can not protect themselves. I don't have a lot of advice as I'm new to dealing with all this emotion as well. So I will let someone with more experience weigh in as I don't want to say the wrong things. I will say though, Follow your gut. If you don't feel comfortable, or safe for him to be with the kids alone then you need to trust that right now because he's not giving you much else to go on. Just make sure you are always present.

I made the comment thinking ahead in life. I know my BF is not into kids. I just don't want to be that mother down the road that has to endure this. We all know the creepy Dad's growing up that we didn't know at the time but something just didn't seem right with the way they looked at you as developing teenagers. YUCK!

Sucks that we have the pleasure of knowing this world exists. I could sleep better not knowing but here we are. Now I'm going to cry and rant because I simply lost it tonight


Posts: 51 | Registered: May 2014 | From: Toronto
OnlyDo
♀ Member
Member # 41991
Default  Posted: 9:47 PM, May 19th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Don't worry whatGives. I'm so over that part of this mess. If poor baby can't deal with his shame then he can just go back to fucking it away like he has the past couple of years. Right now I'm feeling like cutting him out of my life for good. That's what both therapists and everything I've read recommend. He's still justifying, minimizing and blame shifting. If I hear him say one more goddam word about how we both brought troubles into this marriage I'm going to puke.

In other words, there's no more hand holding going on over here.


me BW 55
him SAWH 39
19 yrs, 2 kids
Multiple D days Sep 2011 - Jan 2014
EA's, PA, Craigslist, Backpages, strip clubs, lap dances, camgirls, "massages", prostitutes
Separated, heading towards divorce

Posts: 108 | Registered: Jan 2014
whatgives
♀ Member
Member # 43395
Default  Posted: 10:55 PM, May 19th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

RANT:

My BF dropped of his son, he has to finish school here and I have been debating whether I should let him live here with me because it's a better home life and nicer area. That flew out the window tonight. I just can't do this. I love this little boy but I just can't take this on right now for so many reasons. I feel so manipulated in this situation and it breaks my heart that he will have to pay the price of going back to live at the Shit Hole. This is the first time he's experienced Family Life. Oh well, I can only do so much at this point.

My boyfriend tried to say that he was good for a long time when he moved in and that the selfishness just took over. He swears he only emailed the escort but didn't go for the massage. YA RIGHT! I asked if he had some swamp land to sell me while he was at it.

He cried, and said he knows he's ruined everything, and lost everything but truly loved my daughter and I. On some levels that's probably true but his excuse for doing all of this was he knows he's "Selfish". What a coward.

I got so worked up when I realized that he was probably heading out to meet up with someone. I was enraged that he has put me here, taking care of his son while he goes and has fun. I told him I HATED him. I told him he was a pathetic excuse for a human being. I told him I thought he was a predator preying upon unsuspecting women. He is so sweet, and charming and cute, so I know women will like that and I feel thrown aside like garbage. How did he go from being my best friend 2 weeks ago, my everything to this different person.

He told me I have been pushing him away for a while now. Well ya! He stopped being able to have sex with me and with all my emotions from the past on this issue of course I didn't try. Who would. Plus, recovering from spinal surgery and dealing with pain 24/7 had me a little preoccupied but never not present. And I always wanted sex... neck brace and all lol. Do any of you feel like this: I like sex, so I thought the more sex I wanted would be good right.....wrong! I felt keep my man happy at home and he wont have a reason to wander anymore. That goes out the door with SA. It has nothing to do with that but any normal guy would be like Hell YA!I sent him a really mean text to end off the night and I called him Daddy's Little Pervert living at home unaccountable for anything plus a number of other hurtful things. There goes my 180 I have been working on all weekend. Just blew that up in smoke! And at the end when he was leaving my heart sank into a puddle. I miss his smile, his loving eyes, his caring for me and the kids so much. Now I'm alone - profoundly alone.


Posts: 51 | Registered: May 2014 | From: Toronto
scaredyKat
♀ Member
Member # 25560
Default  Posted: 11:21 PM, May 19th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((((Only))))) I'm so sorry you feel this pain. SA is an addiction more damaging, IMHO than all others. Your post is proof of that.

You did the right thing. And now you MUST detach. Self care, self preservation. One day, one minute at a time.

Holding you in the ********LIGHT********


Me-BS-60
HIM-SAFWH-63
Damn autocorrect is responsible for the silly errors, sorry!

Posts: 3764 | Registered: Sep 2009 | From: In my head
whatgives
♀ Member
Member # 43395
Default  Posted: 12:03 AM, May 20th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Scaredy - I agree it's more damaging especially to the spouse. I have to look for support tomorrow. I'm just too angry and emotional right now. I want to forgive him and move on from this. I'm not staying with him but want to move away from this toxic shit storm he has put me him. Would S-Anon help me even though I have chosen to leave him. Would I benefit? So grasping at straws.

Posts: 51 | Registered: May 2014 | From: Toronto
QuietNoMore
♀ New Member
Member # 43410
Default  Posted: 5:40 AM, May 20th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((whatgives)) you will get through this. I will get through this. We WILL survive and if we choose, we will thrive. My husband had his first IC counselling session today. I sent him a note telling him I hoped it went well and that I love him and was behind him all the way. I haven't heard back. I am scared. I know I need to eradicate the fear in me, the fear of this marriage ending if that's what it comes to.

Things I am telling myself today:

You will be okay QuietNoMore.
You are a strong woman.
You will live through this.
Millions of other women and men have gone through this.
They lived through it.
This hell you are in is not a nightmare.
But it will end.
You are not alone.
Millions of other women and men have survived this and gone on and had beautiful lives.
No matter what you are going through now, no matter what you go through in the future, you will be okay.
If he decides he is happy in the mire and doesn't want to work on this, then you will leave and you will be okay.
Even though that would hurt, cut you to the bone, you will survive.
You will be okay.
You can start over and move back to your country and get a new job and you will thrive.
You can have a new life and the wounds will heal.
Regardless of the outcome of this mess, you will be okay.
YOU will be okay.
You WILL be okay.
You will be OKAY.

[This message edited by QuietNoMore at 5:43 AM, May 20th (Tuesday)]


BW: 49
SA-WH: 45
Married 4 years.
DDay: May 4, 2014

Sometimes life throws shit instead of flowers.


Posts: 28 | Registered: May 2014
scaredyKat
♀ Member
Member # 25560
Default  Posted: 6:49 AM, May 20th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Sorry I addressed that post to the wrong person. Just getting to know the new members! I'm really not quite that senile yet!


Me-BS-60
HIM-SAFWH-63
Damn autocorrect is responsible for the silly errors, sorry!

Posts: 3764 | Registered: Sep 2009 | From: In my head
soconfusednow
♀ Member
Member # 40078
Default  Posted: 8:01 AM, May 20th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

What is EMDR? I've seen it a few times, but don't know the meaning.


Do whatever it takes to keep the focus on you. If the relationship is still there when you get to the other side then that's wonderful. If not, you will be in a much better place to start your life over and hopefully be happy and peaceful. Imagine that! Peaceful. Wow!
I keep trying to wrap my head around this. I know I should do it, but it feels so selfish that it feels wrong.


D-Day January 2013
prior EA in the 90's
me 50
WH 52
NC-several
last broken NC 7/2013 (hopefully)
Married 29 years
2 kids
Want to believe it's over, but is it really? Will I ever trust again?

Posts: 328 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: USA
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