We have all heard it time and again here and it's finally really making sense to me that we have to focus on ourselves. We can't swim with one arm trying to drag our H with us. We won't make it. They will take us down with them if we aren't careful. Throw him a life preserver, strap your on and for once, let him do his own work. We spouses have let them get away with not being the responsible partners they should have been and, IMHO, has in turn enabled them to feed their addiction while neglecting us. No doubt we did it out of love but, now it's time literally for them to sink or swim.
Do whatever it takes to keep the focus on you. If the relationship is still there when you get to the other side then that's wonderful. If not, you will be in a much better place to start your life over and hopefully be happy and peaceful. Imagine that! Peaceful. Wow!
Indeed you are OnlyDo and you will get better and better at it as time goes on
I know that feeling and it's the worst. You will get through it.
You're braver than you believe, and stronger than you seem, and smarter than you think (A A Milne)
(((onlydo))) rant away. It made me laugh. I look forward to the day when the numbness has dissapated enough for me to feel anger.
(((AlleyK))) Have you read "Your Sexually Addicted Spouse - How Partners can Cope and Heal" by Barbara Steffens and Marsha Means? I am reading it now, it will help you. You need to focus on you. HE needs to focus on him - or not. You decide at the end of the journey if he is worth keeping (or getting back with if you leave) but this won't help you "I guess part of me is scared that if I do tell him to leave, he will in fact not recover, and will just be gone forever. I'm terrified of making any decisions. Why can't I let go?" If he doesn't recover he doesn't recover. He has to do it for himself. He can't do it for you. Don't worry about abandoning him. He isn't a child, you are not responsible for him. Leaving or kicking him out may or may not wake him up, either way you have to look after you. Big hugs and strength to you.
(((Broken1126))) your husband is living in an illusion if he thinks it's easy to stop. My husband only woke up when he took the "Am I a sex addict" questionnaire. Now instead of excuses it is "I am sick. I need help." Get the keylogger. Best thing I ever did (and worst) but you have the right to know. Get the evidence, make printouts (in case he deletes everything).
(((Whatgives))) have you read the 180? If not please do - I read it yesterday. It helps you to move forward alone or with him: http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/faq_bs.asp#FAQ11
((((hugs))) to everyone on here.
[This message edited by QuietNoMore at 1:37 AM, May 20th (Tuesday)]
Sometimes life throws shit instead of flowers.
your husband is living in an illusion if he thinks it's easy to stop. My husband only woke up when he took the "Am I a sex addict" questionnaire. Now instead of excuses it is "I am sick. I need help." Get the keylogger. Best thing I ever did (and worst) but you have the right to know. Get the evidence, make printouts (in case he deletes everything).
Totally agree with this. Sadly my SAWH wont currently even take the test. He's just (claiming to be) white knuckling it. As things currently stand I cannot see a future for us.
Onlydo - I to laughed very ard at your post and I needed a laugh . I know it's so painful for you right now but we are here. I just wish you didn't have to give him your access to here. You need a safe place from him. I hope you are safe.
Broken - My boyfriend promised 3 times to get help and even admitted he had an addiction and couldn't control his selfish behaviour. I guess It was me that didn't realize until now how serious all this was. Well, my naivety in this area laid the platform for him to continue on with the behaviour and just go further underground with the secrecy. I have so many regrets about that. A year and a half ago I should have demanded full transparency, and access to everything like I wanted but I didn't want to nag. I though he had this after all we don't want to be babysitters. REGRETS.
I just read an article on why to leave a cheater and now I am really second guessing my resolve to even try and fix this mess my husband has landed us in. What am I doing? Am I just wasting my time? I am almost 50 years old. How many more years should I waste seeing if this man can right himself. And will I always be waiting and watching for him to fall again? I want off the rollercoaster. My dreams are shattered. Is this new reality ever going to be enough?
This woman makes a hell of a lot of sense.
I'm guessing most of us are partnered with SO's who aren't putting in half the work we are into dealing with their mess. I found this to be helpful
[This message edited by OnlyDo at 2:22 PM, May 19th (Monday)]
This occurred to me earlier. I have an 11 year old daughter. She will soon grow into a beautiful teenager with beautiful friends coming over. Do I want someone who has this level of sickness, gawking at her and her friends. Do I want them to start seeing a man that's been raising her as pervert or creepy because they catch the stares. Gives new meaning to the term dirty old man. I know he's not into children but children grow up. Just one more thing I add to my pile of why I wouldn't want him back. Sad really. Very, Very Sad.
Read the article and yes I agree with it. I'm with Chump Lady! Sorry to say.
Do I want them to start seeing a man that's been raising her as pervert or creepy because they catch the stares.
TooMany, thank you for responding. I am 37, been married for 17 years. I am in IC, but the resources here aren't great. I am moving soon though to be closer to family and hopefully better meetings, more opportunities. I'm applying for jobs, and working part-time, but it is all so overwhelming, and I feel so resentful sometimes that he gets to focus on himself, and have all his pity parties, and sobriety coins while I am picking up the pieces.
I do a fair job of focusing on myself, and have been enjoying more and more days where I am fine. But then, I cycle back down, or he starts something with me for attention, and I just have a hard time snapping back out of it.
A lot of things that probably should have been red flags have come flooding back over the past weeks, and I don't see my IC until Friday. We had a fight over the weekend because he wanted to take our daughter for the day to hang out. On the one hand, I want to believe this would be fine. She has been missing him, and I know it would be encouraging to him to have time spent with her. BUT, whatgives brought up something that's been nagging at me. I don't trust myself to say whether or not he is safe. I am not ready to really go into how bad he got, because I am still coming to terms with it, but he had rape fantasies and prefers much younger women. I recalled this week how relieved I was that he changed fields early on because I was worried about the temptation that access to young women would be to him. For so long I thought it was something he would grow out of, something that he would mature out of. He got really good at hiding it, and I put up with a lot thinking at least it was just going on at home. Plus, one of his last CL ads was that he was looking for a "daddy's girl type".
So, all this in mind, I told him that I don't really feel good about her spending all day with him, expecting some reassurance or compromise... something. But, I got anger and accusation that how dare I think he would do something to OUR daughter? I got lectured about how I don't care about his recovery or him, and if that's how I really feel about it, then just tell her he doesn't have time to see her. His behavior with the kids is a whole different level of bizarre.
And then, I KNOW his sobriety is a lie. He's bragging to me about his hourly struggle, how he's not done any of "those things" since January, when I KNOW, thanks to my access to one of his email accounts, that he's been doing those things as recently as two weeks ago. I am afraid confronting him would only drive him deeper underground. I'm afraid not confronting him is ennabling him. And THEN, I remind myself that I am not invested anymore in whether or not he's lying. It makes not one bit of difference to me right now if he's telling the truth or not because he's shown me that he cannot be depended upon, and I need to get a move on with my life.
But that's only partly true. I do feel invested because I want him to succeed for himself and the kids. I know this has been a long struggle, and I know there is a part of him that really hates this. I just wish this part were already over.
D-Day: Too many in 17 years of marriage. LAST time 10/17/2013.
I made the comment thinking ahead in life. I know my BF is not into kids. I just don't want to be that mother down the road that has to endure this. We all know the creepy Dad's growing up that we didn't know at the time but something just didn't seem right with the way they looked at you as developing teenagers. YUCK!
Sucks that we have the pleasure of knowing this world exists. I could sleep better not knowing but here we are. Now I'm going to cry and rant because I simply lost it tonight
In other words, there's no more hand holding going on over here.
My BF dropped of his son, he has to finish school here and I have been debating whether I should let him live here with me because it's a better home life and nicer area. That flew out the window tonight. I just can't do this. I love this little boy but I just can't take this on right now for so many reasons. I feel so manipulated in this situation and it breaks my heart that he will have to pay the price of going back to live at the Shit Hole. This is the first time he's experienced Family Life. Oh well, I can only do so much at this point.
My boyfriend tried to say that he was good for a long time when he moved in and that the selfishness just took over. He swears he only emailed the escort but didn't go for the massage. YA RIGHT! I asked if he had some swamp land to sell me while he was at it.
He cried, and said he knows he's ruined everything, and lost everything but truly loved my daughter and I. On some levels that's probably true but his excuse for doing all of this was he knows he's "Selfish". What a coward.
I got so worked up when I realized that he was probably heading out to meet up with someone. I was enraged that he has put me here, taking care of his son while he goes and has fun. I told him I HATED him. I told him he was a pathetic excuse for a human being. I told him I thought he was a predator preying upon unsuspecting women. He is so sweet, and charming and cute, so I know women will like that and I feel thrown aside like garbage. How did he go from being my best friend 2 weeks ago, my everything to this different person.
He told me I have been pushing him away for a while now. Well ya! He stopped being able to have sex with me and with all my emotions from the past on this issue of course I didn't try. Who would. Plus, recovering from spinal surgery and dealing with pain 24/7 had me a little preoccupied but never not present. And I always wanted sex... neck brace and all lol. Do any of you feel like this: I like sex, so I thought the more sex I wanted would be good right.....wrong! I felt keep my man happy at home and he wont have a reason to wander anymore. That goes out the door with SA. It has nothing to do with that but any normal guy would be like Hell YA!I sent him a really mean text to end off the night and I called him Daddy's Little Pervert living at home unaccountable for anything plus a number of other hurtful things. There goes my 180 I have been working on all weekend. Just blew that up in smoke! And at the end when he was leaving my heart sank into a puddle. I miss his smile, his loving eyes, his caring for me and the kids so much. Now I'm alone - profoundly alone.
You did the right thing. And now you MUST detach. Self care, self preservation. One day, one minute at a time.
Holding you in the ********LIGHT********
Things I am telling myself today:
You will be okay QuietNoMore.
You are a strong woman.
You will live through this.
Millions of other women and men have gone through this.
They lived through it.
This hell you are in is not a nightmare.
But it will end.
You are not alone.
Millions of other women and men have survived this and gone on and had beautiful lives.
No matter what you are going through now, no matter what you go through in the future, you will be okay.
If he decides he is happy in the mire and doesn't want to work on this, then you will leave and you will be okay.
Even though that would hurt, cut you to the bone, you will survive.
You will be okay.
You can start over and move back to your country and get a new job and you will thrive.
You can have a new life and the wounds will heal.
Regardless of the outcome of this mess, you will be okay.
YOU will be okay.
You WILL be okay.
You will be OKAY.
[This message edited by QuietNoMore at 5:43 AM, May 20th (Tuesday)]