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User Topic: Spouses/Partners of Sex Addicts-13
broken1126
♀ New Member
Member # 43417
Default  Posted: 7:52 AM, May 18th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

@sparkle, I totally agree with your post about SAWH wanting to love and be loved. While I was reading I could have swore you knew my H. I hate feeling like a facade. But it also makes me feel sorry for him. My H has been talkin about how he thinks he is depressed. But doesn't feel like counseling would benefit him. WTF.


DDay 4/4/14
Me - BS (40)
WH - (41)
Married 11 yrs.
Two boys 8 and 10 yrs.

An arrow can only be shot by pulling it backward. When life is dragging you back with difficulties, it means it's going to launch you into something great


Posts: 18 | Registered: May 2014
anothermoron
♂ New Member
Member # 43237
Default  Posted: 7:55 AM, May 18th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Oh, and Nellie2, it took me 3 months to confess the whole thing to my wife, which I know in retrospect made it more painful for her. It may just be me, but I think it's a cowardice thing to cover up, cover up, and cover up. We're just really scared of being revealed for what we are. He just needs to decide what he wants. You can have a family life. Or you can have multiple casual sex partners. But you cant have both.

Posts: 43 | Registered: Apr 2014 | From: New York
Sparkle0504
♀ Member
Member # 40379
Default  Posted: 8:33 AM, May 18th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

@broken1126 THAT is what frustrates me the most. He's said to me "I don't want to do it anymore" (act out, etc) on more than one occasion, but he cannot wrap his head around the fact that he needs professional help. In fact, he has the absurd idea that if he does, he'll get locked up. This is an intelligent, 52 year old man. As you say, WTF?!

@anothermoron Three months is by most SA standards a short time to fess up. Many of will never know the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth. Good on you for not prolonging your BS's pain of being kept in the dark any longer than you did - it must have taken a lot to do that.

[This message edited by Sparkle0504 at 8:37 AM, May 18th (Sunday)]


Me 44 (BS)
Him 52 (SAWH)
DDay (too many to mention), but 1st 06/2011
Children - two, mine from my previous marriage
Final straw 6/6/14

The truth hurts, but nowhere near as much as the lies


Posts: 196 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: England
fyrebird
♀ New Member
Member # 43093
Default  Posted: 9:31 AM, May 18th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

thank you ladies for helping me support me through this.
There is more to the story. Apparently this woman contacted 3 others from the group. Her questions were on the logistics on how to respond (what sort of detail/verbiage)to the open share time at this specific meeting. Apparently, she has a sponsor in a major city 3 hours away and is on step 4.

This incident has opened another line of communication between safwh and myself. We sat by our firepit last night and talked about everything from the SAA group (I previously didn't ask specific questions b/c I didn't want to put him in a spot where he broke the anonymity) to our finances to the future.

One thing that stands out that safwh said last night (during my questions about the SAA meetings): "The comment you made about this coming into 'my house' was 100% correct, you have a right to know that any help I give to anyone will always be secondary to you"

I told him that I am starting to be able to put the two safwh's together. The great guy I thought I was married to and this horrible man who cut my heart out with his behavior. These two men are merging into the man I am married to.

eta- safwh answered her questions, but let her know that he wasn't comfortable in expanding contact outside of meetings. Apparently, per promotional material, the meetings are open to men and women.

[This message edited by fyrebird at 9:35 AM, May 18th (Sunday)]


Posts: 31 | Registered: Apr 2014 | From: United States
fyrebird
♀ New Member
Member # 43093
Default  Posted: 9:51 AM, May 18th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I am a recovered sex addict. I say recovered because I hit rock bottom earlier this year, confessed everything to my wife (porn, prostitutes) and am desperately trying to fix myself and my marriage (therapy, reading, putting others ahead of myself).

You are not 'recovered' you are recovering. There are people 5-10-15 years out who aren't 'recovered'. Due to brain chemistry, months 6-9 are the hardest. The arrogance of claiming you are 'recovered' is dangerous. Not bashing, but be aware.

But when I have a proper think about what I've done - this went on for five years, basically all our marriage - I feel that I don't deserve a second chance, because for her, our marriage will never have that feeling of innocence that it once did.

It will never have the innocence and naivete she had before. It is not whether you feel you deserve a second chance, it is whether or not she feels that she can accept you as the man she wants to share her life with, if your good qualities outweigh the monster underneath. She also needs to search herself to figure out if she can live with herself for staying.

Is there any hope?

In the beginning hope is like sand, falling through your fingers if you hold it too hard.

Also, did any of your SA spouses think you were cheating (or think they thought you were cheating) before they started acting out? (that is my story).

Your acting out is YOUR responsibility, whether you thought she was cheating or not is irrelevant.


Really sorry for all the pain you're all going through. Fwiw, reading your stories really helps us to "get it," in SI parlance. And also helps us to get ourselves. Should be compulsory daily reading to anyone trying to fix their mess...

I appreciate the sentiment.

I do not mean for my comments to come of s harsh, but as real. Kudos to you for recognizing there is an issue and wanting to salvage your life.


Posts: 31 | Registered: Apr 2014 | From: United States
scaredyKat
♀ Member
Member # 25560
Default  Posted: 10:33 AM, May 18th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Well said fyrebird.


Me-BS-60
HIM-SAFWH-63
Damn autocorrect is responsible for the silly errors, sorry!

Posts: 3535 | Registered: Sep 2009 | From: In my head
broken1126
♀ New Member
Member # 43417
Default  Posted: 11:27 AM, May 18th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My H says that it is easy for him to stop. Does he not understand the gravity of what has happened. Although I believe he had been behaving himself, his impulsive shopping online has increased. Not a good thing.
He was texting someone on his phone the other day and I approached him and asked what he was doing (probably not pursuant to the 180 right?) He said he was texting a buddy of his. He looked at me like I was nuts. I told him that he should be being completely transparent because of his recent shenanigans. He said nothing. Just looked at me and walked away. DDay was 4/4/14. We've only talked twice about it since. I feel the need to snoop all the time. I want to put a key logger on his computer. I HATE this.

I have an appointment to see an attorney. I gotta see where I stand. I'm an at home mom and haven't worked in 10 years. I've made copies of some recent financial statements as well as have copies of the little evidence I do have of his adult website profile. I'm sure there is more.

P.s. I don't know any of you, but love you all and have you in my prayers. Stand tall! Take care of you. I don't know where I'd b without this site. I'm sorry you're all here but glad I found you.


DDay 4/4/14
Me - BS (40)
WH - (41)
Married 11 yrs.
Two boys 8 and 10 yrs.

An arrow can only be shot by pulling it backward. When life is dragging you back with difficulties, it means it's going to launch you into something great


Posts: 18 | Registered: May 2014
QuietNoMore
♀ New Member
Member # 43410
Question  Posted: 12:18 PM, May 18th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Welcome Nellie2. Sorry you have found yourself here along with all the rest of us.

Anothermoon thank-you for sharing your story - it gives me hope. For what it's worth, I never accused or even thought my husband would cheat on me. I thought porn was the extent of it. Even when I found a sex for hire site on his computer last year, I never thought he would cheat on me. I thought it might be webcamming. Even that was a stretch for me to believe. So naive. I trusted him 200% to never cross that line and violate something so sacred. I thought he loved me and our marriage too much. I was wrong.

Fyre, your story gives me hope as well. I love my husband and I want him to get well. I think at this point he wants to, but primarily for me. I hope his IC tells him he has to do it for himself or it won't work. I want him to choose me and our marriage even when the going gets rough. Right now I think he doesn't he can beat this demon. He has his first IC on Tuesday. Today earlier, he was in a foul mood. Just cranky. I think the addict needs his fix. It's been two weeks exactly since I found out and I believe he has resisted porn until now. I hope he makes it to Tuesday.

Earlier today I cleaned the kitchen and completely removed everything off the counters. When he came in he was faced with bare counters and a box full of stuff. I think he thought I was packing (maybe he thought I did it deliberately to scare him?). Either way, I think he must have gotten a jolt. Oops. It wast intentional. I don't want to be a game player. But in retrospect, maybe a little reality check of possible consequences was helpful to him.

Two questions

Is there a link somewhere to the stages of recovery for the SA somewhere? I am calling earlier today's man angry addict but I don't know if I am right or not.

Also can someone please tell me what the 180 is or direct me to where the information is found? I don't know what this is.

[This message edited by QuietNoMore at 12:56 PM, May 18th (Sunday)]


BW: 49
SA-WH: 45
Married 4 years.
DDay: May 4, 2014

Sometimes life throws shit instead of flowers.


Posts: 28 | Registered: May 2014
fyrebird
♀ New Member
Member # 43093
Default  Posted: 1:00 PM, May 18th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

quiet,
for you: http://psychcentral.com/blog/archives/2013/09/12/6-stages-of-recovery-for-partners-of-sex-addicts/

for him:
http://www.recoveryranch.com/treatment-issues/love-sex-addiction/sex-addiction/

for your understanding- the addict cycle:
http://blog.palmpartners.com/tag/cycle-of-addiction/

There is no blueprint for our situations. This has been one of my biggest challenges... I never knew what happens next or for how long.

husga and support to you.


Posts: 31 | Registered: Apr 2014 | From: United States
QuietNoMore
♀ New Member
Member # 43410
Default  Posted: 4:04 PM, May 18th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

((Thanks Fyre))


BW: 49
SA-WH: 45
Married 4 years.
DDay: May 4, 2014

Sometimes life throws shit instead of flowers.


Posts: 28 | Registered: May 2014
Destroyed121813
♀ New Member
Member # 42657
Default  Posted: 4:19 PM, May 18th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

AnotherMoron: I saw your question. You might have better luck posting in the Wayward Side forum. This is for people who are dealing with a spouse/partner who is a SA. However, good for you in acknowledging you have an issue and wanting to get help. Good luck!


Married 11yrs, known 12
DDay 12/18/13
BW 42
WS 42 (SA with what can only be described as NPD)
2 great kids - Both 10

Posts: 40 | Registered: Mar 2014
whatgives
♀ Member
Member # 43395
Default  Posted: 5:06 PM, May 18th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Well another day just dealing with the trauma. Had to make my way to the grocery store to get some stuff and a song came on. I barely got out before I broke down in tears. My heart is breaking in a million pieces. I can't stop thinking about this crap. I can't believe a week ago we were planning our summer trip up north to the cottage with the kids like we do every year since we met. I am feeling so empty and void right now. He has left this big blank hole in my heart. He has moved out, started his thing again I'm sure and I'm left with this sinking feeling that wont go away.

One minute I think I got it all figured out and the next I'm a pile of tears on my bed. There is such a thin line between Love and Hate.......I guess it would have felt better if he had given it all up to me and begged for forgiveness, which he did at first but he had already moved out. But at least if he showed the remorse, showed full transparency, took the initiative to make the changes then I could make my choice to stay or end it. This way he just took the cowards way out and bolted for the hills so he wouldn't have to answer to any of that. I'm broken right now and I don't know how to fix me


Posts: 51 | Registered: May 2014 | From: Toronto
CoSA1977
♀ New Member
Member # 43345
Default  Posted: 5:30 PM, May 18th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I am going to start RCA (Recovering Couples Anonymous) meetings. My SA Husband is supportive of this. I find that this could be conducive to my recovery. He feels the same about his own. We both spoke to our sponsors (I have a step-partner and he has a sponsor. I have learned from my COSA meetings that being of service helps with my own healing. I am getting info from the I SO of RCA and from my COSA girls. My husband's sponsor thinks this is a fantastic idea and so does my step partner.

If anyone is in the Queens NY area and wants to come these meetings I will send you info as soon as I get it.


My doormat card expired the day of his disclosure...
-----------------------------------

God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things that I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.


Posts: 39 | Registered: May 2014
alleyk
♀ Member
Member # 42270
Default  Posted: 6:52 PM, May 18th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I need help. I feel so so stuck.

WH is now admitting he is a SA. He says he was molested by a family member growing up and is addicted to masturbation.

Last week I caught him in another lie and told him I wanted divorce. He went off the deep end acting out. All the while saying he wanted to come home and work on things, that he had been doing really good. I told him to give me my space.

Everything in my gut tells me I need to leave him. My friends and family that know he has been unfaithful more than once (with some details) want me to leave and D.

He was back in town for a gig and wanted to come home and get together to talk, whether it be about him moving out or us taking time off, etc. He brought me thoughtful gifts.

I told him all of my feelings and hurts. I said that if he has an active addiction only he can take charge of it and want to change. I told him I have to detach. I told him with his job taking him on the road for weeks at a time, I can't trust him. But he still isn't letting me go, crying and saying he will do whatever it takes. (though I've heard that before)

I didn't send him to a hotel, I let him sleep on the couch. We talked more this morning and he wanted to take me to breakfast. I can tell he wants to slip back into the old routine. I told him he hasn't made any efforts to attend to his addiction. I can't trust his words. He straight away starts looking for SA meetings, comes and tells me he is going to one tomorrow.

Part of me wants to see if he can follow through, give him that opportunity. Part of me has zero trust that he actually will change / get better.

I can't trust this man. I'm exhausted by all of my policing and monitoring. I do not feel safe with him. I don't feel safe having sex with him (I got tested and don't want to have to all the time!). His actions disgust me. And yet something in me is not allowing myself to say: yes please move out. This is over. Some part of me doesn't want to let go. I feel like a deer in the headlights.

I feel as though I'm losing it. I also feel if I don't follow through with filing as I told my Dad, sister, best friend, etc. then I will look like a weak fool and lose their support.

I've read through the whole Spouses/Partners of Sex Addicts 12 forum. So many insightful comments and similar experiences. It seems with a SA there is not much hope unless fully and completely committed to recovery. Not sure my WH is capable on his own. With me around perhaps. But then I am the parole agent. And thus far when I'm not around, he went straight to porn, maybe more.

I want to see a light at the end of the tunnel but all I see is darkness and despair either way. Staying with a monster, or losing the one thing I thought was forever. Probably fear of being alone, of letting go. I was making all of these plans for filing and I still may. I have looked up COSA meetings and SA meetings for myself. I've read a bunch. I don't know why I still feel so paralyzed. I've built my identity around this toxic person, I fear I am a hallow shell without him. Maybe that's my true problem.

My WH is somewhat famous, he has thousands of "friends" and hundreds of "close friends" that are 'hoping we can work things out'. Only a few know details, and he probably isn't fully honest about it all. They all feel sorry for him.

His fame is also why he has no problem finding women to give him attention, probably sexual encounters I don't know about. But he's also picked up low-life bar girls, ghetto trash, responded to CL ads, and has admitted to call girls (he says it was before, not during our relationship however).

I don't even think I really want to be there as he goes through recovery, but then I feel as though I'd be abandoning him. Even as I write that out I see my role in enabling. I just am in such shock. I married this person and promised my life to him. I was 100% faithful and loyal, and thought he was too.

Turned out, I recently discovered, right after we were married he went back on tour and while drunk messed around with the boss's daughter - a 17 or 18 yo. Ended up costing him the gig. He never told me that was why of course. And there is probably so much more I don't know.

I guess part of me is scared that if I do tell him to leave, he will in fact not recover, and will just be gone forever. I'm terrified of making any decisions. Why can't I let go?

[This message edited by alleyk at 7:37 PM, May 18th (Sunday)]


Posts: 111 | Registered: Jan 2014
Aspenstrong
♀ Member
Member # 41394
Default  Posted: 8:08 PM, May 18th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I am leaning towards separation. I'm not getting what I need to feel safe loved and cherished. He's not completely screwing up but I have given him a huge opportunity and I feel like he's sliding back to old ways of viewing me. I don't have to live like this. I'm thinking of a trial separation of 3 months and he can choose to step up or not. After thinking about this it feels serendipitous that we have an empty apartment for 4 months or so...
I'm not letting my kids down by doing this. I'm not the one who didn't get the help I needed for a porn addiction which eventually led to 'exotic' massages a lap dance and then a ONS. He is in therapy and 12 step but 7 months later still usually only makes it a week before looking at porn....which also puts his career at risk. He will be off or defensive or distant and then will tell me but I know it already just not the extent. Then he is saying and doing some of the right things and I feel like I'm cruel if I don't give him a chance. I saw a humble man last fall but feel like the glimpses of that man are too far apart. My emotional state isn't up to this new roller coaster thus the leaning towards separation...


WS- Came to me and confessed ONS end of Oct 2013
Dec 2013-found out about 1 happy ending massage and various fishing on hookup sites that didn't pan out/
His heart changes and voluntary confession changed things for me... Waiting to see

Posts: 61 | Registered: Nov 2013 | From: Southwest
Compartmented
Member
Member # 29410
Default  Posted: 8:52 PM, May 18th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Aspen, WhatGives and AlleyK,

You don't have to leave right away. You'll know when you are done. I myself had to hit bottom twice and then go to a weeklong group therapy session to get the decision made. People will either support your decision or not, but it's yours to make.

The reason I say take your time (while protecting yourself physically) is that there's plenty to do in the mean time, which needs to be done whether you are reconciling or not. Work on healing the trauma. That's all in your control...even an actively recovering addict cannot help you heal. Their focus in the beginning is on figuring themselves out. I made a self-care list of things that made me feel better, and when I got to feeling horrible, I'd pull that thing out and work on a few of the things until I felt better. I did loads of 12-step meetings and lots of therapy, including EMDR. Read, read, read...here and the books recommended on page one. Figure out boundary statements. That's something that helped me to see that FT was not doing what I needed to feel safe.

That's my recommendation anyway...take your time with the major decision, but plow into taking care of yourself. This includes legally. Hathnofury has a plethora of information on what she did. Hath, is your original long thread still available to be bumped?

The thing is, making the decision to leave doesn't make the pain stop. That's the sad part. All I wanted in the beginning was for the pain to stop. Therapy, reading, journaling and basically doing something ELSE helped the pain. For me, talking to FT never helped. He had no remorse and never even tried to stop cheating, from what I can tell.

I had an awesome divorce coach who told me I would know I was better when I could do something for someone else. That was really hard for me. She kept telling me, you will feel fantastic if you help someone with something. She was right!

{{{{ HUGS }}}}


Posts: 1257 | Registered: Aug 2010
OnlyDo
♀ Member
Member # 41991
Default  Posted: 10:18 PM, May 18th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm going to post a bit of a rant here because I'm pretty sure my husband is reading this thread. If obscenity offends you, just skip to the next message.

Fuck you for advertising looking for "providers "who gave the girlfriend experience while I was starving for any sign of affection.

Fuck you for spending our holiday money on prostitutes so that you could GIVE them back rubs while holding me at arms length.

Fuck you for offering cash to strangers so that you could perform oral sex on them "(all kinds)" while telling me you weren't ready to close the door on our marriage.


Fuck you for making me feel hopeful that I might win you back while you were licking whore's assholes.

Just fuck you in general you lying cheating piece of shit.


Sorry for the rant everyone else in the thread.


me BW 55
him SAWH 39
19 yrs, 2 kids
Multiple D days Sep 2011 - Jan 2014
EA's, PA, Craigslist, Backpages, strip clubs, lap dances, camgirls, "massages", prostitutes
Separated, heading towards divorce

Posts: 96 | Registered: Jan 2014
Aspenstrong
♀ Member
Member # 41394
Default  Posted: 11:44 PM, May 18th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Compartmented
I appreciate your advice and I'm not ready to jump at divorce though sometimes that is tempting. It has been 7 months since this dday and we lived for too long before with me waiting for more and him resenting me because I had to detach to survive. Lots more but really relational it was hell and I think some physical separation may help me heal and see if he's really going to do the hard work. I just can't imagine going back to that hell while dealing with his current mess. I am struggling with him being warm and tender and then lukewarm. I know I could handle my emotions better if I didn't have to deal with this so much right now.
At the same time I am mulling over this and thinking through it.


WS- Came to me and confessed ONS end of Oct 2013
Dec 2013-found out about 1 happy ending massage and various fishing on hookup sites that didn't pan out/
His heart changes and voluntary confession changed things for me... Waiting to see

Posts: 61 | Registered: Nov 2013 | From: Southwest
Sparkle0504
♀ Member
Member # 40379
Default  Posted: 2:05 AM, May 19th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

((((OnlyDo))))


Me 44 (BS)
Him 52 (SAWH)
DDay (too many to mention), but 1st 06/2011
Children - two, mine from my previous marriage
Final straw 6/6/14

The truth hurts, but nowhere near as much as the lies


Posts: 196 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: England
broken1126
♀ New Member
Member # 43417
Default  Posted: 7:22 AM, May 19th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

((((Whatgives))))
((((Onlydo))))


DDay 4/4/14
Me - BS (40)
WH - (41)
Married 11 yrs.
Two boys 8 and 10 yrs.

An arrow can only be shot by pulling it backward. When life is dragging you back with difficulties, it means it's going to launch you into something great


Posts: 18 | Registered: May 2014
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