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User Topic: Spouses/Partners of Sex Addicts-13
Sparkle0504
♀ Member
Member # 40379
Default  Posted: 8:46 AM, June 12th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Ooops! Duplicate post

[This message edited by Sparkle0504 at 10:31 AM, June 13th (Friday)]


Me 44 (BS)
Him 52 (SAWH)
DDay (too many to mention), but 1st 06/2011
Children - two, mine from my previous marriage
Final straw 6/6/14

The truth hurts, but nowhere near as much as the lies


Posts: 195 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: England
ChoosingHope
♀ Member
Member # 33606
Default  Posted: 9:33 AM, June 12th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Wow sadone and choosing your posts above really hit me, my H has zero boundaries at work with the women as well and I thought it was just him, but maybe it's an SA thing. He's the person they always tell all their problems too, things that I would never want a co-worker to know about my life if it were mine. He tells me about these convos thinking it's funny office gossip, but it hits me hard, I wish he had boundaries while at work especially since he had a 7 mos EA with one of these women

Yes, it's a SA thing.

Homewrecked, you're awesome. I wish I had left years earlier than I did.

Kat, I think that the process of leaving is difficult because these men are mentally ill and therefore they make it very hard: the guilt trips, the self-pity, the fake recovery work, the relapses, the fake suicide threats, the vicious attacks on the BS who didn't do anything wrong. Plus the very real fear of leaving young children in their care part of the time after a D. Also, many of them are self-employed, and a strangely high percentage of them are married to SAHMs who are financially dependent on them. Like I was.

But if you choose to leave, life improves a million times over. I'm yet to find someone who regrets leaving a SA who is not in recovery! Also some women are not interested in a life of SA meetings and recovery. They tend to be younger women with careers and no children. Women with more options.

I think that this thread becomes so much more valuable to newbies (and perhaps to those who have unrealistic expectations about recovery and living a normal life with a SA) when people like Ghost and Homewrecked stop by.

The odds are that only one or two women here right now will still be married to their SAHs in five years. It's important to know that there is life after this sort of betrayal. Women have options. When I was pregnant in 2004 and first learned my STBX was a SA, I felt like their were NO options. I was wrong.


Posts: 1691 | Registered: Oct 2011
sadone29
♀ Member
Member # 38597
Default  Posted: 9:46 AM, June 12th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I agree about coworkers. I've found a few since DD that are questionable. They don't seem to have gone past the 'confidant' level. He doesn't consider them EA's since he 'wasn't interested'. I don't know.

I do think he's trying to flex those boundary muscles. He's trying, I get it. And yet, I still feel hurt. I often wonder if I'll ever move past it. The present feels okay most days, but once I look back, I don't know why I'm here sometimes. I'm mostly not in major vigilance mode. He can't even hide small slips that still happen every 3 months or so. He gets so moody when it happens. I can't believe I lived with that person for as long as I did. I no longer have patience for that crap.

On another note, H is getting baptized in his new religion this month. I'm happy for him, as I see religion as a personal journey. But I wonder what it means for the marriage. Am I wrong to feel off kilter about this? I go from having a righteous Atheist to a righteous Christian to deal with. My own beliefs have been steady and quite for a long time. I don't normally talk about it with him since I knew he didn't believe as I do. I feel like he always has to overpower everything around him. I get that this is new to him and a big part of his life. It's exhausting though.


DDay Feb. 28, 2013
5 year long EA (still believe PA), webcam girls, contacting hookers
Preparing for D

Posts: 702 | Registered: Mar 2013
ChoosingHope
♀ Member
Member # 33606
Default  Posted: 9:58 AM, June 12th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

On another note, H is getting baptized in his new religion this month. I'm happy for him, as I see religion as a personal journey. But I wonder what it means for the marriage. Am I wrong to feel off kilter about this? I go from having a righteous Atheist to a righteous Christian to deal with. My own beliefs have been steady and quite for a long time. I don't normally talk about it with him since I knew he didn't believe as I do. I feel like he always has to overpower everything around him. I get that this is new to him and a big part of his life. It's exhausting though.

Another similarity: STBX converted to Catholicism about six months after the first D-Day in 2004. I'm not very religious myself, but I really thought that having a religious foundation/community/moral code would help him.

Unfortunately, it did not help at all. He was really into it for a while, and it didn't hurt that the priest who taught the conversion classes thought that STBX was brilliant. He got to skip most of the classes and just hang out and chat and charm the priest.

But then his newfound religion fell by the wayside eventually, just like everything else.

I hope your situation is different.


Posts: 1691 | Registered: Oct 2011
sadone29
♀ Member
Member # 38597
Default  Posted: 10:21 AM, June 12th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks CH. I think at this point I have no expectations. It's his journey, but if he's going to throw in my face, like he did a few days ago, we're going to have serious problems!

And all the fears you posted are the ones I have every day. I actually never thought I'd fight so hard for the family. Sometimes, I wish he'd be the one to give up first. At least then I can say, 'see, just more of the same you've dished out for years. At least now you're honest about it."

I know how silly that sounds. I know I need to make my own decisions. I guess I have for now even if it doesn't feel right all the time.


DDay Feb. 28, 2013
5 year long EA (still believe PA), webcam girls, contacting hookers
Preparing for D

Posts: 702 | Registered: Mar 2013
scaredyKat
♀ Member
Member # 25560
Default  Posted: 10:34 AM, June 12th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Often addicts choose another addiction or two to replace sex. Religion is common. Sometimes it works, in that they use it to help them become people of integrity, sometimes not. Time will tell.

Hope, I agree, women need to see all angles in this life during, and after d-day. Of the 13 women in my original SANON group from 2009,that were married, only 6 of us are still in what I call functional marriages. One more appears to have accepted rugsweeping although her SAWH isn't acting out now, he is too ill.

Something you touched on, and I've mentioned before, I believe men and women should have independent means of support. Don't get me wrong. The idea of one parent staying home to be primary caretaker is the best possible decision, in most cases, for children. Too often a man and a wife make that decision, and he decides to blow it up because he can't keep it in his pants, and then she, who cannot get a good job because she has been out of the job force, has outdated corporate skills, or waited for his education to be paid for before she went to work. HOW IS THAT NOT BREACH OF CONTRACT AND PUNISHABLE AS SUCH!!!! But no, the woman is looked at as a leach because she " doesn't work" and accused of stealing him blind.
It sucks. It's wrong, and an example of how little kids are valued.

Off my soapbox. Hugs to all of you going through this.

[This message edited by scaredyKat at 11:42 AM, June 12th (Thursday)]


Me-BS-60
HIM-SAFWH-63
Damn autocorrect is responsible for the silly errors, sorry!

Posts: 3526 | Registered: Sep 2009 | From: In my head
CoSA1977
♀ New Member
Member # 43345
Default  Posted: 2:25 PM, June 12th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

So my SA husband and I are trying something new. We're talking things out. We're trying to listen to each other. This is as a couple in recovery. I find that being honest is good. I need that and so does he.

Tonight we're going to try something different again. We're going to try and have a romantic evening as husband and wife. I'm tired of stagnation. I'm done with it, really. I know what my husband is and he knows what I am. We're working on ourselves. We still love each other very much. I'm not ready to quit on us and apparently neither is he. We'll just see where the Higher Power takes us tonight.


My doormat card expired the day of his disclosure...
-----------------------------------

God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things that I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.


Posts: 39 | Registered: May 2014
Rubyrain
♀ New Member
Member # 42897
Default  Posted: 12:54 AM, June 13th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hello all,
Lots of good insight on this thread. I don't know where we are right now. I feel like I'm more open to trying to R than I thought I would be. I look at him and, while I know there are lots of fish in the sea (and that even excites me), he feels like family. I want to give it another shot before I say no way. One slip and I'm out, though. I swear.


Me: BS 37
Him: SA 34
Dday: 3/22/14
4 years together and 2 kids
Porn, strippers, contacted escorts... what more?

Everything was beautiful and nothing hurt.
-Kurt Vonnegut


Posts: 39 | Registered: Mar 2014
hathnofury
♀ Member
Member # 32550
Default  Posted: 7:07 PM, June 13th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Plus the very real fear of leaving young children in their care part of the time after a D.

I think that a LOT of people (who usually aren't spouses of SAs, or are childless) don't truly understand this when they wonder why we don't just up and leave them right away. It is not that simple. The truth is, at least in the US in most states, most courts want all couples to share custody at least 40/60 and ideally 50/50. The old EOW standard is now "Axe murdered custody", which means, best case scenario, if you can prove your spouse has anonymous encounters and engages in other behavior that puts the kids at risk, they will still probably get SOME visitation and it's likely unsupervised.

That doesn't even factor in the shafting that SAHPs get. I think we all know, when the shit hits the fan, all SAHPs that are BS can no longer 100% rely on their spouse for financial support and have to find at least a backup plan. But the visitation stuff is truly scary, because unlike the garden variety deadbeat parent who just stops doing anything and never shows up, SAs are so mentally screwed up they will insist on visitation for appearances/ego kibbles, will delay court crap like nobody's business, mindfuck you and the kids relentlessly, etc in addition to racking up bills and not paying their share.

It is really daunting when you realize the best case scenario may be to get them to agree to you having sole custody and favorable monetary terms in a post-nup or non-contested D while they appear to feel guilty and hope and pray they don't mess it up until it is a done deal. And even then they can still fuck it up.


BS 43, SAWH 38. M 15years, together 17. Body count in the triple digits. Both in recovery, trying to R.
Three kids under age 11.

Posts: 1473 | Registered: Jun 2011
ChoosingHope
♀ Member
Member # 33606
Default  Posted: 11:19 PM, June 13th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hath.

Yes. All true.

I hope everyone here reads this: If you haven't already, Do Not Have Children with a SA.

I'll report back when the judge makes his final decision. I think it's the week of June 23. Prayers gratefully accepted.


Posts: 1691 | Registered: Oct 2011
hathnofury
♀ Member
Member # 32550
Default  Posted: 10:38 AM, June 14th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Don't get me wrong. I have seen great changes in SAWH. He has gone from a horrific parent and partner, to someone who finally stepped up and did what is expected but often had to have it spelled out for him (by not just me, but IC/sponsor/etc), now is finally learning to be a real parent and partner. But he still struggles on doing the right things on a daily basis, still is gone a lot with therapy and recovery work, and still could slip and go down the rabbit hole at any time - and take us all with him.

Now being three years out, I really don't understand why anyone would choose this if they didn't have child custody issues to consider, or retirement/significant financial issues at stake. Why would you settle for this?

I'm not saying turn and run ASAP, although in many situations I would. I am saying always have a backup plan, and be ready to use it. Because you deserve that for yourself.


BS 43, SAWH 38. M 15years, together 17. Body count in the triple digits. Both in recovery, trying to R.
Three kids under age 11.

Posts: 1473 | Registered: Jun 2011
scaredyKat
♀ Member
Member # 25560
Default  Posted: 8:26 PM, June 14th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

For the newbies that don't know my story, Hath is right on. By the time I realized that I wasn't just dealing with depression issues, "normal" issues that could be dealt with in MC, I was 50 something. I had worked forever, sacrificing things so I would have an enjoyable and secure retirement, not realizing at the time that SAFWH had spent $$$$$ on his hobby. Divorce would mean that I would give up my home, half my savings, and half of the retirement income that we would share. It would also mean that I would be alone, the ONE THING I NEVER WANTED in my life, severe FOO issues there.
So I stayed. Under the conditions that he continue actively working a 12 step program, a CSAT treatment program and absolutely NO relapse. There were slips, with internet porn, with "slippery slope" stuff. But none for almost three years now. Any relapse with real life and I will leave, or more likely, he will. I do have an exit plan.

And as Hath said, there is considerable change in SAFWH. He is no longer a rager, he listens, he is patient, and he is living a life of integrity.
There was damage to my kids. My DS#1 is a recovering alcoholic. IDK if that can entirely be blamed on sex addiction, we are a family of addicts. DS#2 was quite a handful growing up. No major trouble,but I was always the bad guy. We have since made peace. But it was a rough 20 Years. Both are successful, handsome, happy, productive men. Neither is in a longterm relationship, I think they'd like to be, I do fret about that. They have had girlfriends, I guess they haven't met the right one yet.

If I had had a crystal ball, I would not have stayed. If I had known what was going on long ago, I would have not put up with it. But I didn't.
Our family is very close in spite of the problems, or maybe because of. Secrets are hard on families. The kids love and respect their father, AND me. They see our efforts to repair damage and forgive each other. I wouldn't wish this on anyone. I think have have survived the best we could.

[This message edited by scaredyKat at 8:33 PM, June 14th (Saturday)]


Me-BS-60
HIM-SAFWH-63
Damn autocorrect is responsible for the silly errors, sorry!

Posts: 3526 | Registered: Sep 2009 | From: In my head
ChoosingHope
♀ Member
Member # 33606
Default  Posted: 11:46 PM, June 15th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Well folks, you can see my post in Divorce and Separation.

My children had dinner tonight with the S&M CraigsList Dungeon GF. I could not stop it. It was done behind my back, while we're waiting for the judge's ruling.


Posts: 1691 | Registered: Oct 2011
scaredyKat
♀ Member
Member # 25560
Default  Posted: 11:56 PM, June 15th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Oh god, Hope...I don't know what to say. I wish voodoo dolls worked, wish I had a magic wand, a bubble of protection for your babies, something, anything...I wish I was certain the judicial system had children's best interests in the forefront of every decision.

Please hold them tight, teach them about reporting all and anything they feel isn't right, so hard when you don't want to be accused of alienating and don't want to scare them.

They are in counseling, right?

Wish I could bring you all here....safe and away from that monster!


Me-BS-60
HIM-SAFWH-63
Damn autocorrect is responsible for the silly errors, sorry!

Posts: 3526 | Registered: Sep 2009 | From: In my head
cds22
♀ Member
Member # 39083
Default  Posted: 12:03 PM, June 16th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Oh no. Why do all the truly sick and depraved individuals of the world have this burning need for contact with the normal and innocent? Isn't having each other enough for your STBX and his yuck, I don't even have a word.

Praying for judicial and divine intervention . . .


Posts: 236 | Registered: Apr 2013
OnlyDo
♀ Member
Member # 41991
Default  Posted: 1:38 PM, June 16th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm so sorry you're having to deal with this Hope.

It seems utterly bizarre to me how a formerly reasonable man suddenly loses his ability to think things through rationally. If you point it out they just dig their heels in deeper. I keep wanting to tell mine "re-read what you just sent me, does that make any sense to you?" He's a smart guy, I loved his ability to think logically. Now he's a self-deluded idiot. I guess it's the mental contortions they have to make in order to let themselves do the heinous things they do. They seem to have permanent cramps in their ethics, morals and common sense.


me BW 55
him SAWH 39
19 yrs, 2 kids
Multiple D days Sep 2011 - Jan 2014
EA's, PA, Craigslist, Backpages, strip clubs, lap dances, camgirls, "massages", prostitutes
Separated, heading towards divorce

Posts: 95 | Registered: Jan 2014
kayaker55
♀ Member
Member # 41617
Default  Posted: 12:25 AM, June 17th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Found myself a COSA meeting and went tonight for the first time. Comfy chairs, lit candles, herbal tea and women living with this. I talked briefly and was warmly welcomed. Isolation broken.
If it were not for SI I wouldn't have known about this support. Thank you.


Me: BS 56
He: SAFWH 56
Married 34 years
SA behavior + 2 affairs. I was clueless.
Future uncertain.

Posts: 66 | Registered: Dec 2013 | From: Vancouver, BC
strengthandhope
♀ Member
Member # 37907
Default  Posted: 11:39 AM, June 17th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Can someone give me insight of the difference between COSA and S-Anon? I don't like the co-dependent focus of what I read on the COSA website. I did not do this to him, I don't condone it and I know his recovery is his responsibility. I never participated in things sexually that were uncomfortable for me. He never pressured me for sex. He had a double life. I don't see how that has anything to do with me. I just want to feel better from the sickness that has crept into my life, none of which was my doing.


Me: BS 30s
Him: SAWH, 30s sexting, pic sharing & phone sex with men & women
2 kids, M 8 yrs
DD#1 3/08, DD#2 7/11, DD#3 10/12 DD#4 2/14
OW #1 PA from 6/13-8/13 CL Troll
OW #2 EA from 11/13-2/14 online/phone sex A
Taking R 90 days at a time.

Posts: 176 | Registered: Dec 2012 | From: Mid west
sadone29
♀ Member
Member # 38597
Default  Posted: 12:27 PM, June 17th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi strength,

I haven't found much difference in these groups. Maybe someone with more experience with them can help more with that.

I know lots of people go to them for the group support and don't go so far into doing the steps. I'm a pretty solitary person and found myself feeling out of place in the meetings.

If you can afford IC, try finding a trauma expert. Check out Barbara Steffens' website. She's one of the leading experts on the trauma based model for spouses of SAs. Also, you might want to check out Rational Recovery. It's aimed at addicts in general, but they are very clear that they do not believe in codependency or enabling...that you are incapable of triggering a relapse. This has been invaluable to me, in that I sometimes get caught up thinking that my behavior will cause him to do something.
Here's the page I'm talking about:
http://www.rational.org/index.php?id=40


DDay Feb. 28, 2013
5 year long EA (still believe PA), webcam girls, contacting hookers
Preparing for D

Posts: 702 | Registered: Mar 2013
sadone29
♀ Member
Member # 38597
Default  Posted: 12:32 PM, June 17th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

ChoosingHope, I'm so sorry you're going through this! What a nightmare.

I don't get it. Aren't the kids in the way of his 'lifestyle'? Why can't he just leave them out of it? I don't understand.


DDay Feb. 28, 2013
5 year long EA (still believe PA), webcam girls, contacting hookers
Preparing for D

Posts: 702 | Registered: Mar 2013
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