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I Can Relate     Print Topic    
User Topic: Spouses/Partners of Sex Addicts-13
Quakingaspen
♀ Member
Member # 41153
Default  Posted: 9:29 PM, June 8th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank you for this discussion about D-ing or not.

I also have the feeling that it is the only way I can regain my self-respect. I've put up with too much, and he doesn't just get to keep me in reserve in case he manages to pull himself out of this. I am worth more at this point, and I know it, most of the time at least.

It also felt really hollow to tell him that I can't be more invested in his recovery than he is, but still be married to him. To me, that implies a much larger commitment than I could maintain with him as things are. If I am still married to him, I am still invested in his recovery, and you guys have helped me see that he is not committed at ALL. He's done nothing but made some half-assed gestures and lied about his sobriety. Now he's not even speaking to me.

I'm hurt that he's not fighting for us, for me, for the kids, for anything good. But, I'm beginning to be more excited about what's out there for me and the kids without him. Without his tantrums and money siphoning, without our sadness at leaving a dad-shaped hole in the family for a man who never wanted to step into it. We can be complete without him.

But that makes me sad too.


I've seen enough.

WS-SA/NPD
D-Day: Too many in 17 years of marriage. LAST time 10/17/2013.


Posts: 122 | Registered: Oct 2013 | From: A little bit closer to Reality
OnlyDo
♀ Member
Member # 41991
Default  Posted: 12:10 AM, June 9th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Faith, Kayaker, Aspen thanks for the input. We're living separately and low contact now. He's told me he wants to spend the rest of his life with me but bristles at the mention of meetings.There's not really any pressing need to divorce right now. I was just hoping it might make the whole situation easier to bear. We actually have little interaction but he's taken up full time residence in my head.

Why do we continue to love these jerks? He's destroyed our marriage, it feels like he stole all those years from me. He's treated me with complete disregard and he's still doing it by continuing to lie about what he's done.

Writing it all out like that really points out how dysfunctional and delusional I am to want to have him in my life in any capacity ever again. Maybe on some level I'm buying into the excuses he's made for himself. I still don't know if I'm strong enough to cut ties completely.I'm just so tired of crying over that man. I want the grieving to be over, somehow it's excruciating and boring at the same time. I guess I'll know when it's time, right? And someday it will get better. Thanks for telling me there's life after divorce, Faith. It helps, you help. I so appreciate you taking the time.


me BW 55
him SAWH 39
19 yrs, 2 kids
Multiple D days Sep 2011 - Jan 2014
EA's, PA, Craigslist, Backpages, strip clubs, lap dances, camgirls, "massages", prostitutes
Separated, heading towards divorce

Posts: 104 | Registered: Jan 2014
Compartmented
Member
Member # 29410
Default  Posted: 7:18 AM, June 9th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I've got a question for those who are post divorce.

Did it help?

I'm not sure that my input applies, as my X was horribly abusive as well. Obviously getting away from that part was worth it. I've found peace in my life and I value that very much. I am so grateful not to wake up and wonder what trickle truth or new cheating discovery is going to bash my soul today.

I do think, as a person who is over four years out from the first discoveries, that my peace comes from repeated attempts to practice gratitude and living in the moment. It's something I still wrestle with, but it is what makes me feel whole and safe.

So, I don't have much advice, but I think that you should try to work on healing yourself along with considering changing the marital status. By that I mean if you are not sure you want to divorce yet, plow into what you are doing to recover yourself. Figure out what heals you, and then move beyond that and find what motivates you to grow. Focus on that. The decision to leave or stay can be seen more clearly as time goes by. (Unless he's abusive, and then try to figure out how to get out as soon as you can safely exit.)

As far as life on the other side goes, I love it!!! All of that personal growth is a side-benefit to being drug through the bowels of hell. As I said, I still work on my recovery, but I have tools to deal with chaos now and they are pretty handy! I'm still in therapy to see if I can ever trust again. I'm not dating yet. But was it worth it? Hell yeah - I'm so happy every day that sometimes I can hardly believe it!

Hope some of this muddled thinking helps...


Posts: 1274 | Registered: Aug 2010
SadieMae
♀ Member
Member # 42986
Default  Posted: 10:19 AM, June 9th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I just wanted to share. Today marks 3 Months since D-day. Today also marks 90 days of sobriety for WH. He is going to 2 SA meetings a week, talking with his sponsor, talking with other members in his groups, and talking to me.

My heart is broken, my spirit is crushed, but I have a small glimmer of hope. It scares me, but it's there.


Me: BW 40
Him: SAWH 40
Together half our lives.

Posts: 88 | Registered: Apr 2014 | From: North Carolina
FaithFool
♀ Member
Member # 20150
Default  Posted: 10:39 AM, June 9th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

OnlyDo, it took me six months of hard thinking to come to the decision. He was gone for work for three months of that.

When he was around he turned into this kind, open, caring guy who couldn't do enough for me. Except go and get professional help. Adamant refusal to discuss that at all.

And that was my dealbreaker.

You'll arrive at yours eventually. And yes, the grieving, it does go on for a really long time.

Read Journey from Abandonment to Healing if you have not already got it. It really helped me with the grieving process. It is like a death, and there is no way out but through.

Believe it or not, we are on speaking terms now and occasionally meet for dinner at one of our favourite restaurants -- we made a pact that those locations are off-limits for his dating activities LOL.

We have a long history together and still have things to talk about, people we mutually know. I got a tear-stained blubbering apology on a street corner last year. That was an eye-opener.

He knows he lost it all when he lost me.

Big hugs to everyone who finds themselves on this thread. It really is a special kind of hell.

[This message edited by FaithFool at 10:42 AM, June 9th (Monday)]


DDay: June 15, 2008
Mistakenly married Mr. Superfreak
20 years of OWs, WTF?
Divorced Dec 26, 2011
"Life is a shipwreck, but we must not forget
to sing in the lifeboats". -- Voltaire

Posts: 17498 | Registered: Jul 2008 | From: Canada
scaredyKat
♀ Member
Member # 25560
Default  Posted: 11:48 AM, June 9th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Here is the web address of Barbara Steffens' trained counselors. I suppose they would be in lieu of a CSAT for a partner.

I really connected when I read her book back in 2009. There are many therapists in the midwest and in Ca., some in Canada and one in the UK.

I hope it helps someone.

http://apsats.org/find-a-specialist/?action=viewlistings

And here is the web site on relational trauma

http://posarc.com/

[This message edited by scaredyKat at 11:49 AM, June 9th (Monday)]


Me-BS-60
HIM-SAFWH-63
Damn autocorrect is responsible for the silly errors, sorry!

Posts: 3658 | Registered: Sep 2009 | From: In my head
sadone29
♀ Member
Member # 38597
Default  Posted: 1:01 PM, June 9th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((SadieMae)))
Self-care is key right now. It's still very new. I'm over a year out and it still feels new sometimes.


On another note, H has a coworker who is very manipulative. She keeps trying to get ego kibbles from H. He's been very stand-offish about it, but it's still bothering me so much. He doesn't tell her to bugger off, but he is being blunt and not trying to feed her. He's just hoping she'll stop trying. He's not hiding it at all, and I have access to all of her attempts. I'm not sure how to handle it.

Another question: I've been looking at alternative recovery programs for myself and found the Rational Recovery program. Does anyone know of any SA using this?


DDay Feb. 28, 2013
"I am pretty sure enforcing the boundary is the most important part of the boundary"- Jerry Seinfeld

Posts: 769 | Registered: Mar 2013
ChoosingHope
♀ Member
Member # 33606
Default  Posted: 7:42 PM, June 9th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I've got a question for those who are post divorce.
Did it help?

I am not yet post-divorce, but I should be. My divorce has been going on for nearly three years.

I am taking a deep breath here and sharing some details in hope that it might help some of you on the fence. My STBX is not only a SA, after our S I learned that he's also an NPD who "engages in sociopathic behavior." Before the last big D-Day that ended our marriage, I did not see his behavior as NPD. He was very charming 99 percent of the time - but pretty mean and abusive whenever I got close to his secrets. He shoved me twice when we were fighting about his SA. He was always very self-pitying, and he lacked resilience. But overall, his personality seemed to be dominated by friendliness, charm, and success. I blamed myself for the fights.

I just learned about the sociopathic part from the custody evaluator. It simply means that he has no conscience, feels no guilt (though he's great at pretending), and engages in, well, SA behaviors - most of which fall into "sociopathy" or antisocial behavior.

I think the report said that when he feels under appreciated in his marriage or at work, or whenever he suffered setbacks, he reverted to antisocial behavior (SA).

I'm sharing because I can see things so clearly now that I've had the benefit of real experts analyzing STBX for nine months. He did not fool them. They acknowledged his charm. But they saw right through him.

If your husband is self-pitying (instead of feeling true remorse for you), or if he's blaming female coworkers for being interested in him, or if he's being abusive or unkind to you, PLEASE make sure you're in therapy with a very qualified person so you can identify your real problems. I wish I hadn't gotten myself in so deep with STBX. Our first d-day happened when I was pregnant. And I stayed. And then I had to get on the stand in a divorce courtroom and try to explain this. And explain why I stayed so long after he continued this behavior every few years.

It was the worst, my humiliating experience of my life. And now I see my life in an entirely different light.

If your H isn't in treatment, and doesn't show real remorse, or if he's making weird accusations about coworkers, please think twice about staying with him. He will not get betters. NPDs don't get better. Sociopaths certainly don't get better. And frankly, the vast majority of SAs don't get better.

As for life after him, it's a million times better in every single possible way, even though I'm still battling him in court. I've grown in every way. Every time he's near me, I see the chaos, the drama, the danger, and the self-pity. The damage he inflicts on himself and everyone around him. It's soul-sucking.

Yes, life is much better now.


Posts: 1702 | Registered: Oct 2011
ChoosingHope
♀ Member
Member # 33606
Default  Posted: 7:45 PM, June 9th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

On another note, H has a coworker who is very manipulative. She keeps trying to get ego kibbles from H. He's been very stand-offish about it, but it's still bothering me so much. He doesn't tell her to bugger off, but he is being blunt and not trying to feed her. He's just hoping she'll stop trying. He's not hiding it at all, and I have access to all of her attempts. I'm not sure how to handle it.

This is very strange, and it is triggering me. STBX always had bizarre stories like this. I'm sorry, but I'm 100 percent sure it's your H's fault.


Posts: 1702 | Registered: Oct 2011
sadone29
♀ Member
Member # 38597
Default  Posted: 8:01 AM, June 10th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Sorry CH, didn't mean to trigger anyone.

H works in an office full of women, which is hard enough as it is. They all gossip and talk about each other.
But you're right, it is his fault because for years, he thought he was doing a good thing by listening to everyone's problems. So now he's feeling awkward having to put up boundaries. Oh well, he's a big boy and can handle it.

We talked more last night about it and he sees that I'm not letting it go.

[This message edited by sadone29 at 8:01 AM, June 10th (Tuesday)]


DDay Feb. 28, 2013
"I am pretty sure enforcing the boundary is the most important part of the boundary"- Jerry Seinfeld

Posts: 769 | Registered: Mar 2013
ChoosingHope
♀ Member
Member # 33606
Default  Posted: 11:20 PM, June 10th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It's okay Sadone. I don't get triggered as much these days. My memories of life with STBX in the house are getting hazier. (Or maybe they've been replaced by my fear of him these days.)

But I do remember a series of co-workers through the years with whom he had very unusual relationships. He was their confidant. Now I look around at my friends' husbands, and my brothers, and my father, and I realize that normal men don't seem to have any issues like this with their female coworkers. I just wanted to point out that it's a weird thing and a red flag, but you already know that.

I have another memory of me telling STBX that I've always worked for/with men, and I've never had one of them approach me in any sort of inappropriate manner. I've always been casual friends with them. I recall STBX having nothing to say - for once.


Posts: 1702 | Registered: Oct 2011
Ghostwalker
♀ Member
Member # 31991
Default  Posted: 2:42 PM, June 11th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hello old friends (and new ones)!!! I am 3 years out from Dday and went away for awhile because this site was too painful and triggered me. But there are so many wise and kind people here, I had to come back.

My husband never sought treatment or counseling, but vowed he did not want our marriage to end. I foolishly joined him in his delusional thinking, only to discover his twisted behavior never stopped. Big surprise, huh?

We have lived apart for 2 1/2 years and cannot currently afford to divorce. I've finally cut off most ties from him, but like someone else said, he lives in my head. We have a 40 year history. But I no longer care, because he continues to damage me. This is a nightmare that never seems to end. Am I stronger? I am finally getting there and realize I have wasted so many years hoping for a different outcome. They prey on our emotions and loyalty.

To thine own self be true. Take care of yourself, my sweethearts, and realize your worth!


This is the Hour of Lead --
Remembered, if outlived,
As Freezing persons, recollect the Snow --
First -- Chill -- then Stupor -- then the letting go --

Posts: 1093 | Registered: Apr 2011
Compartmented
Member
Member # 29410
Default  Posted: 3:49 PM, June 11th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hey, Ghost!! Glad to see you and hear that you are doing ok. Thanks for checking in and offering support!

Posts: 1274 | Registered: Aug 2010
Jls0320
♀ Member
Member # 41192
Default  Posted: 4:33 PM, June 11th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Wow sadone and choosing your posts above really hit me, my H has zero boundaries at work with the women as well and I thought it was just him, but maybe it's an SA thing. He's the person they always tell all their problems too, things that I would never want a co-worker to know about my life if it were mine. He tells me about these convos thinking it's funny office gossip, but it hits me hard, I wish he had boundaries while at work especially since he had a 7 mos EA with one of these women


Me: 33 BS 2 boys (2yr & 5yr)
Him: 33 WH, too much too list, drowning in his sex addiction
Together 15yrs, married 7yrs
Dday 9/17/2013, more discovered 1/26/14
NC broken 7/28/14- pathetic piece of crap
Separated, divorce filed, he loves his whore lol

Posts: 453 | Registered: Nov 2013
scaredyKat
♀ Member
Member # 25560
Default  Posted: 7:41 PM, June 11th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Oh, Ghost, my dear, dear friend! I cannot tell you how often I've thought of you. I'm so sorry to hear you are still caught in this maelstrom... Is your son any better? Your parents? Your job?

PM me if you want, I'm retired and online often...I've missed you.


Me-BS-60
HIM-SAFWH-63
Damn autocorrect is responsible for the silly errors, sorry!

Posts: 3658 | Registered: Sep 2009 | From: In my head
ChoosingHope
♀ Member
Member # 33606
Default  Posted: 8:00 PM, June 11th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Ghost - so glad you're posting here again. As I've said before, I'm so thankful that you're separated.

I hope all the newbies here read our stories and take something away from them: it is not easy to leave these men. They make it nearly impossible. No Contact is the only way to go.

Thank you for all the support recently - I know I owe you a PM.

*****(((HUGS)))*****


Posts: 1702 | Registered: Oct 2011
homewrecked2011
♀ Member
Member # 34678
Default  Posted: 9:29 PM, June 11th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I work with an SA -- and I tell you HE is the one making sure all the women know he's open to talking about any issues they have. Some women talk to him who are immature, but the "normal" women have boundaries and don't talk about personal stuff with him..

My XWH (SA) was going to topless bars when I was pregant!!! I thought he stopped when I got so upset when I found out, but I learned during my D he was on craig's list, etc trolling for women.

I wish I would have left him before my child was born..

I also considered the fact that he would not go to counseling a deal breaker for our marriage. I told him I would NOT have a fake marriage --- I wanted it ALL! If he wanted me, he had to get into counseling. He didn't, and I filed.


me BS 52
him - 46
married 15 years DIVORCED 10 31 12
children - ds15 ds12
d-day 12-19-11
I gave a 24hour ultimatum then went to attorney next day
Divorce filed

Posts: 2214 | Registered: Jan 2012
scaredyKat
♀ Member
Member # 25560
Default  Posted: 10:47 PM, June 11th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

So many of you have chosen to leave your SAWHs. More posters than in the past. I think that choice is as difficult, or maybe more so, than the decision to stay.
But I also think my decision to stay is one that may always be in flux. He is sober, truly working a recovery program, and is willing to do anything I suggest to improve our relationship. Things aren't great, they also aren't bad. Most of the residual problems are mine, my walls remain high and wide.
I'm NOT on high alert. That would never do. I feel confident that, barring some major brain impairment, he won't, and couldn't, act out, due to the safeguards we have in place. We have other dysfunctions, some still stemming from his BP, FOO insecurities, blah, blah, blah. I don't think those will ever go away completely. Retrouvaille did provide us with some tools with which to better communicate when issues arrive.
I'm no longer a doormat. Like many of you, I was in the dark about the SA. But I did know about the rages, moodiness, lack of sex, fairytale explanations about absences and/or spent money, etc. And I let myself be fooled by it all because I didn't want to be "that" kind of wife. No more. If that makes me a bitch, so be it. SK has grown a backbone and it stays.
Whether you stay or go, I applaud you. I respect you and I support you if you care to have my support. We ARE in this together, even if only in cyberspace.


Me-BS-60
HIM-SAFWH-63
Damn autocorrect is responsible for the silly errors, sorry!

Posts: 3658 | Registered: Sep 2009 | From: In my head
Mandy7
♀ New Member
Member # 42645
Sad  Posted: 6:41 AM, June 12th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi everyone, I've been posting on newly found out forum for a few months now since I found out about my WH and getting some fantastic support it's literally been the only thing that has kept me going. Well the last reply I received opened a whole new concept and discovery for me and my WH that is he is a SA and today is day one for us! We have such a long road ahead And both he and I are both feeling very hopeful but at the same time scared by the journey we're about to embark upon. I know I'm going to be spending a lot of time here so I thought I'd introduce myself and say Hi!

Is it normal and expected for newbies to post their story or should I just be asking specific questions?

Thanks Mandy


Posts: 23 | Registered: Mar 2014 | From: Newcastle UK
Sparkle0504
♀ Member
Member # 40379
Default  Posted: 8:45 AM, June 12th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi Mandy and welcome:)

Post whatever you feel you need to post. Unfortunately all of us have btdt, bought the T-shirt when it comes to SAWSs and, as I have found, are a fountain of warmth, knowledge and support

Post often and let us know how you're doing. It IS a long and difficult journey with an SA whether you choose to R or D, but a battle in the war is already won if you have a WS who is not in denial.


Me 44 (BS) Him 52 (SAWH)
DDay (too many to mention), but 1st 06/2011

The truth hurts, but nowhere near as much as the lies
"Sounds harsh, but she's my wife and I'm supposed to be there when she's having sex" Sal1995


Posts: 224 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: England
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