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I Can Relate     Print Topic    
User Topic: Spouses/Partners of Sex Addicts-13
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Member
Member # 29410
Default  Posted: 7:14 AM, June 5th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

What's more, some of those slogans do pop into my head and bring me comfort.
I used to think the slogans were simplistic until I started using them in my life. I find that they are shorthand for all the wisdom I slowly gain in the meetings and readings.

Posts: 1266 | Registered: Aug 2010
imagrownup
♀ Member
Member # 29587
Default  Posted: 7:20 AM, June 5th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My spouse just realized he is a Love addict. This is a weird question but in my need to find out more about this - I have come across a very perplexing thing and would like someone else's opinion.
He continues to lie to me after years. He has been in treatment now for 6 months. These lies are often times so stupid and silly that I am dumbfounded at what would be the purpose.
I came across some info that states he feels so low about himself - that he can't beleive I would stay with him. That he does not deserve a relationship that could be healthy.
His low feelings are a self fulfilling prophecy -he lies to make me realize that he does not deserve me or his family.
So these lies are just a way to make me finally leave him. He cannot make this choice so in fact he is forcing my hand- to make this decision.
Does this make any sense to any one else??
I don't understand this addiction and it is backwards thinking and I am just confused.


Me BW 48
HIM WS 48
D-DAY1 11/5/09
D-DAY 2 11/28/09
D-DAY 3 3/15/10 Claims just talking
D-DAY 4 5/?/10 Says he quit talking???

Posts: 185 | Registered: Sep 2010 | From: midwest
sadone29
♀ Member
Member # 38597
Default  Posted: 10:04 AM, June 5th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I understand, imagrownup. H used to think "I'm a piece of **** anyway, so why bother trying to act better?"
It's the lies they tell themselves that keep them in their addictions. It's a struggle for them to detach from those thoughts and see them for the lies they are.
They actually believe these lies themselves much of the time. When active in their addiction, their thinking is distorted. They really are sick. As the spouse, I remember saying repeatedly, "I just don't get it". I couldn't understand the way he thought about things, no matter how much I tried. The good news is that once in recovery, they start to not understand it either, because they slowly get restored to sanity. H often says now that he doesn't really understand the person he was back then. That's because there's really no logic to it.


DDay Feb. 28, 2013
"I am pretty sure enforcing the boundary is the most important part of the boundary"- Jerry Seinfeld

Posts: 751 | Registered: Mar 2013
Sparkle0504
♀ Member
Member # 40379
Default  Posted: 11:09 AM, June 5th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

^^^^ My SAWH has never said this, but his behaviour says it. He's starting to piece together the puzzle though, I think.

T/j - Al-Anon first meeting last night. It's a small group, mostly long term members and the understanding was incredible. I'm so glad you guys pointed me there, thank you


Me 44 (BS) Him 52 (SAWH)
DDay (too many to mention), but 1st 06/2011

The truth hurts, but nowhere near as much as the lies
"Sounds harsh, but she's my wife and I'm supposed to be there when she's having sex" Sal1995


Posts: 209 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: England
CoSA1977
♀ New Member
Member # 43345
Default  Posted: 2:06 PM, June 5th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I've learned that sometimes I need to be reminded that my husband is a sex addict. When I forget I step into the world of denial and fantasy, and basically get all upset when my SA husband admits to acting out to porn.

I know he isn't in recovery. He can't even get through a 90/90. Its pretty sad really.

The thing is I know he loves me. That isn't denial. That's actual truth. He's an asshole for being a sex addict, but I know he loves me. I love him...just the "in love" feeling is gone since the disclosure. That won't be coming back. It might be something different...but that little fantasy feeling is dead and buried.

In my next life I want to be a gay man. I seriously believe I was meant to be one.


My doormat card expired the day of his disclosure...
-----------------------------------

God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things that I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.


Posts: 39 | Registered: May 2014
cds22
♀ Member
Member # 39083
Default  Posted: 2:42 PM, June 5th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Outta, I think with a decision comes not only fear but also some peace. Uncertainty and indecision are so taxing. I can completely understand your reasoning and that the odds were not in favor of the marriage. Frankly, I am a little jealous as I sort out yet another round of my H's treatment, this time for suspected add!!

You are a strong woman--with a loving family of siblings, children, grandchildren. You can do this.


Posts: 236 | Registered: Apr 2013
Notmetoo2011
♀ Member
Member # 32912
Default  Posted: 3:41 PM, June 5th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I haven't been here for a while and been trying to catch up on everyone's stories.

Sending strength and hugs to all of you.

Outta, I wish I had your strength and could actually make a decision about my future instead of vacillating back and for between thinking I can live this way, and feeling I should leave.

The question you asked your H about what his favorite memory of the two of you was, got me thinking. If SAWH asked me that, what would I say? Now that I know what I know, I have to go back a long,long way to come up with any memory that isnt tainted. So sad, because before DDay I thought we had so many good memories.

Every time I think about the extent of his acting out I don't know how I can ever put it behind me and let it go. But yet I can't bring myself to D him. I still care about him, probably love him on some level, but I'm definitely not in love with him. He is in recovery and treats me well (always did on the surface even when he was acting out), but I feel like there is a cloud hanging over everything we do.

It seems that throughout my life every major decision I have made I now regret. I guess the bottom line is I'm frightened that once again, I'll make the wrong decision. Maybe I'd be more miserable without him than with him. I'm frightened of living the rest of my life alone, and I'm scared the kids would blame me for breaking up the family. So I go around and around in circles, making no decision, and becoming more and more mentally exhausted. Some days I almost wish he would act out again so that the decision would be made for me.


Me-BW 49
SAWH 51
Married 27 years.
4 children
D-Day 26/07/11
Multiple PAs, ONS, Porn
In limbo land

Posts: 270 | Registered: Jul 2011
outtanowhere
♀ Member
Member # 39001
Default  Posted: 7:41 PM, June 5th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Its hard to hear people call me brave. I feel anything but. Im scared s*itless and wonder if I can trust myself to make a good decision, especially one of this magnitude. I worry about putting my family thru this only to see him "transform" into a normal person and end up back together. Worse yet, get into another relationship and have something like this happen again. I really don't think I would survive.

It really hit me hard when I got home from work this afternoon. I walked in and smelled that familiar and comfortable scent of home. There is nothing in me that wants to put all of this into boxes and drive away. Lord only knows how much I don't want to go thru that attic! I'm still playing devil's advocate with myself but, I keep coming back to feeling that this is what would be in my best interest but, that part of me that is comfortable with virtually every other aspect of my life, wants nothing to do with it.

I have IC in a couple of weeks so this will be the topic for that session. I'm not ready to pull the trigger but, I am taking aim. I hope I can stay on task and not be distracted but, that's a lot to ask of myself.

Our 37th anniversary is Tuesday. It doesn't even feel like it should count at this point. I thank you all for your kind words. It's what sustains me most days. Do any of you ever remember standing on the end of the high dive explaining to yourself why you should jump? I'm there. Hanging 10...in a way


BS - 58
SAWH - 61 multiple encounters with prostitutes and other sex workers
Married 38 years
Dday - 2/19/13 - found the emails
He promised me Heaven then put me thru hell

Posts: 747 | Registered: Apr 2013
suzukideb
♀ Member
Member # 4423
Default  Posted: 9:01 PM, June 5th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I have been reading the book Your Sexually Addicted Spouse: How Partners Can Cope and Heal. I'm about 45% into the book. It has been hard but beneficial so far to find that I am coping normal. I'm about 2 months past d-day (6 months from the first-day but he didn't admit to all of what he has been up to until March. I'm not sure if all of it is out. He is in a 12 step program and seems very committed.

Any thought on this book? Relational Trauma is a new term for me and fits my life completely. I have been through this in my first marriage of 12 years and now my second marriage of 10 years. I am educated as a RN so I understand theory etc. Actually I am in a Masters Program now.

I do not believe that I am a Co-Addict. I have set strict guidelines and a relapse is game over. Any thoughts on this? I suspected he was cheating for years but blamed myself because of my first marriage ending in infidelity.

Thoughts?


Me 43 WS 41. Married 10 years.

Posts: 190 | Registered: May 2004 | From: Southern Wisconsin
suzukideb
♀ Member
Member # 4423
Default  Posted: 9:02 PM, June 5th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I have been reading the book Your Sexually Addicted Spouse: How Partners Can Cope and Heal. I'm about 45% into the book. It has been hard but beneficial so far to find that I am coping normal. I'm about 2 months past d-day (6 months from the first-day but he didn't admit to all of what he has been up to until March. I'm not sure if all of it is out. He is in a 12 step program and seems very committed.

Any thought on this book? Relational Trauma is a new term for me and fits my life completely. I have been through this in my first marriage of 12 years and now my second marriage of 10 years. I am educated as a RN so I understand theory etc. Actually I am in a Masters Program now.

I do not believe that I am a Co-Addict. I have set strict guidelines and a relapse is game over. Any thoughts on this? I suspected he was cheating for years but blamed myself because of my first marriage ending in infidelity.

Thoughts?


Me 43 WS 41. Married 10 years.

Posts: 190 | Registered: May 2004 | From: Southern Wisconsin
scaredyKat
♀ Member
Member # 25560
Default  Posted: 10:28 PM, June 5th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Suzu, I came to sex addiction before Tiger Woods. Coaddiction was the SOP. When I read that book, the pieces of my life made sense. I had had NO IDEA of his acting out. How could I enable it?

The philosophy has changed quite a bit, and I believe Steffens and Means are largely responsible for that. I really like the respectful way Milton Magness treats spouses and suggest you check out his material and website next.

(Outta) my dear friend. If you weren't afraid of this next step, I'd worry. You WILL make the choices that are right for you. It's time to put yourself first, listen to your heart, move with deliberation, but with temperance. You will be fine...just put one foot in front of the other.


Me-BS-60
HIM-SAFWH-63
Damn autocorrect is responsible for the silly errors, sorry!

Posts: 3580 | Registered: Sep 2009 | From: In my head
whatgives
♀ Member
Member # 43395
Default  Posted: 12:08 AM, June 6th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Outta - Your thoughts are in place. You are moving in a direction that is very scary. I couldn't imagine doing that after 37 years. But My God women, if that's not brave I don't know what is.

I detached from him after 3 years and I'm still going through the motions. Each day is getting easier. It's been 3 weeks. I'm getting stronger, and feeling even more validated in the decisions I have made. I still break down and cry. I loose my marbles at times but once you make the decision you will start to heal and see change in yourself. Little things but change. I'm not telling you to bolt for the door, just that there is hope if you choose that route. I was very angry yesterday and today and I'm trying to let that go. He's out so there is really no point. Need to concentrate on how to fix me. See my therapist next week and S-Anon meeting on Tuesday. Baby steps.

Sparkle - Still waiting on that bloody STD. That will be the death of me. Had to give another pee sample as the lab screwed up. So many things about this suck! but I keep thinking there has to be a silver lining somewhere I think it may be that I dodged a bullet . Staying and dealing with a 20 year addiction was way to much for my brain to handle after reading so many stories on here. Not that there isn't hope, but it's a very long hard road


Posts: 51 | Registered: May 2014 | From: Toronto
CoSA1977
♀ New Member
Member # 43345
Flame  Posted: 8:56 AM, June 6th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

The most difficult part for me these days is my anger. I say HORRIBLE things when I'm angry. We had our counseling session last night and it was very difficult because I was so angry. A lot of shit came out. He's scared that I will divorce him because I want to prenup changed. He won't change the prenup because of it. So I have to change it, and he said that was fine, he'll sign it, but he doesn't want to shell out the cash. No matter what I say to him, he just won't do it. So I guess I'll have to do it. Its not like I'm going to up and divorce him. He knows this. He knows that he would have to fuck around on me again for me to leave him. That's my bottom line. But I'll be damned if when or if he does fuck around on me again that I leave with nothing. I'm getting mine. I don't give a rat's ass what he feels on that end. He would have to owe me something so that I can totally get on my feet if I have to leave him. I told him if he is that scared I am going to leave him, maybe he should have kept his dick in his pants and saved it for pissing and his wife. I have a way with words when I'm angry. Our counselor was a great mediator. He put things into perspective. My SA husband has to get his shit together. He has made progress in his actions by getting rid of his computer and smart phone. However, his progress to really be in recovery all the way hasn't happened. While I am not supposed to get involved in his recovery, I can't help but feel involved because his actions affect me. CoSA teaches me to detach from the behavior and not the person. I already feel detached from the person that my SA Husband really is and it hurts because I love him still. It hurts because I know he loves me, but he's fucked in the head and his addiction makes him selfish, narcissistic, and a disgusting human being.

What the fuck is wrong with me that I attract these people? He isn't the first sex addict I've attracted. He was just able to hide it better. I swear if this doesn't work out I'm staying single. I'm probably better off if I keep attracting these idiots


My doormat card expired the day of his disclosure...
-----------------------------------

God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things that I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.


Posts: 39 | Registered: May 2014
MomtoRoses
♀ Member
Member # 42271
Default  Posted: 9:00 AM, June 6th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi, I'm new to this forum and thread. My wh is in 12 step recovery and attends several meetings a week and works the steps w/ a sponsor and has a counselor trained in sa.
I do not identify as the co-addict. I had ZERO idea. Truly, zero. I knew we had problems in our relationship, but he hid everything very well. He knew I was 100% opposed to porn etc. I wouldn't have even married him if he wanted a bachelor party.


I just wanted to check in and join the thread. My latest struggle is he still minimizes how bad he is as an addict. He readily admits he's an addict, but he sees people who are worse at meetings----arrests, sex w/ animals etc, so he thinks he's only a 4/10. When he is REALLY bad. I spent the first 6 months walking around like a zombie bc I had no idea who I was married to. Finding his secret email accounts and many different disclosure dates etc. It's been really hard and I wonder HOW can someone who is this far gone really change???


i'm the bs
he is the wh.
7 ddays: affairs, online activities, ea, pa, longterm pa,longterm ea, one night stands.
I'm the last to know.

Posts: 84 | Registered: Jan 2014
sadone29
♀ Member
Member # 38597
Default  Posted: 10:11 AM, June 6th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi MomtoRoses.

My H minimized at the beginning too. There really were people who did much worse things, and he had a difficult time accepting that they suffered from the same thing.

Is your H new in recovery? As H worked the steps, the minimizing stopped. Once they have all of their actions written in front of them, they'll either run away or face it.


DDay Feb. 28, 2013
"I am pretty sure enforcing the boundary is the most important part of the boundary"- Jerry Seinfeld

Posts: 751 | Registered: Mar 2013
sadone29
♀ Member
Member # 38597
Default  Posted: 10:41 AM, June 6th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Yep, I feel like I shared too much.

lol

[This message edited by sadone29 at 8:49 PM, June 6th (Friday)]


DDay Feb. 28, 2013
"I am pretty sure enforcing the boundary is the most important part of the boundary"- Jerry Seinfeld

Posts: 751 | Registered: Mar 2013
Sparkle0504
♀ Member
Member # 40379
Default  Posted: 11:50 AM, June 6th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

That's fantastic news! So nice to see a positive post.

TMI would've been a 'blow by blow' account


Me 44 (BS) Him 52 (SAWH)
DDay (too many to mention), but 1st 06/2011

The truth hurts, but nowhere near as much as the lies
"Sounds harsh, but she's my wife and I'm supposed to be there when she's having sex" Sal1995


Posts: 209 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: England
Sparkle0504
♀ Member
Member # 40379
Default  Posted: 11:59 AM, June 6th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

In other news, my SAWH fell off the wagon (but I then I never expected anything else from a white knuckler).

Gps tracker in his car. Hardly ever check it, but the sleepy spidey senses woke up with a jolt today and he was way off the radar - and then came home and lied about it.

I feel sick, sad, angry, but I've detached as far as he's concerned, I've told him I'm done.

I can't physically move out right now, but we no longer share a bed, I've contacted my solicitor and I have walked away from our business (no loss there, mainly due to his addiction, it's in serious sh%t anyway). Monday I'll start job and househunting. No money, so will be tough.

I tried. He didn't.

[This message edited by Sparkle0504 at 12:01 PM, June 6th (Friday)]


Me 44 (BS) Him 52 (SAWH)
DDay (too many to mention), but 1st 06/2011

The truth hurts, but nowhere near as much as the lies
"Sounds harsh, but she's my wife and I'm supposed to be there when she's having sex" Sal1995


Posts: 209 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: England
sadone29
♀ Member
Member # 38597
Default  Posted: 12:49 PM, June 6th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((sparkle)))

I'm so sorry. It's sad to see all these men (and women) torture themselves and those around them when there's a way out. I guess it doesn't work unless they really want it. And we can't do that for them.


p.s definitely no blow by blows from me, ever! That would just be wrong. lol!


DDay Feb. 28, 2013
"I am pretty sure enforcing the boundary is the most important part of the boundary"- Jerry Seinfeld

Posts: 751 | Registered: Mar 2013
scaredyKat
♀ Member
Member # 25560
Default  Posted: 3:42 PM, June 6th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Oh, Sparkle, I'm so, so sorry. Many hugs to you.

@ Mom...most of us don't identify as Coaddicts, in the traditional sense. And there has been such backlash, and new thinking about spouses of SAs that even the "experts" think the term means something different when applied here. I was "co" in some ways, enabling him to continue his behaviors that I,too, knew nothing about. I stopped asking questions that led to arguments. Most researchers refer to us a coaddicts only because we are supremely affected by their selfish and destructive behaviors.
Welcome to a club no one wants to join.


Me-BS-60
HIM-SAFWH-63
Damn autocorrect is responsible for the silly errors, sorry!

Posts: 3580 | Registered: Sep 2009 | From: In my head
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