What's more, some of those slogans do pop into my head and bring me comfort.
T/j - Al-Anon first meeting last night. It's a small group, mostly long term members and the understanding was incredible. I'm so glad you guys pointed me there, thank you
You're braver than you believe, and stronger than you seem, and smarter than you think (A A Milne)
I know he isn't in recovery. He can't even get through a 90/90. Its pretty sad really.
The thing is I know he loves me. That isn't denial. That's actual truth. He's an asshole for being a sex addict, but I know he loves me. I love him...just the "in love" feeling is gone since the disclosure. That won't be coming back. It might be something different...but that little fantasy feeling is dead and buried.
In my next life I want to be a gay man. I seriously believe I was meant to be one.
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things that I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.
You are a strong woman--with a loving family of siblings, children, grandchildren. You can do this.
Sending strength and hugs to all of you.
Outta, I wish I had your strength and could actually make a decision about my future instead of vacillating back and for between thinking I can live this way, and feeling I should leave.
The question you asked your H about what his favorite memory of the two of you was, got me thinking. If SAWH asked me that, what would I say? Now that I know what I know, I have to go back a long,long way to come up with any memory that isnt tainted. So sad, because before DDay I thought we had so many good memories.
Every time I think about the extent of his acting out I don't know how I can ever put it behind me and let it go. But yet I can't bring myself to D him. I still care about him, probably love him on some level, but I'm definitely not in love with him. He is in recovery and treats me well (always did on the surface even when he was acting out), but I feel like there is a cloud hanging over everything we do.
It seems that throughout my life every major decision I have made I now regret. I guess the bottom line is I'm frightened that once again, I'll make the wrong decision. Maybe I'd be more miserable without him than with him. I'm frightened of living the rest of my life alone, and I'm scared the kids would blame me for breaking up the family. So I go around and around in circles, making no decision, and becoming more and more mentally exhausted. Some days I almost wish he would act out again so that the decision would be made for me.
It really hit me hard when I got home from work this afternoon. I walked in and smelled that familiar and comfortable scent of home. There is nothing in me that wants to put all of this into boxes and drive away. Lord only knows how much I don't want to go thru that attic! I'm still playing devil's advocate with myself but, I keep coming back to feeling that this is what would be in my best interest but, that part of me that is comfortable with virtually every other aspect of my life, wants nothing to do with it.
I have IC in a couple of weeks so this will be the topic for that session. I'm not ready to pull the trigger but, I am taking aim. I hope I can stay on task and not be distracted but, that's a lot to ask of myself.
Our 37th anniversary is Tuesday. It doesn't even feel like it should count at this point. I thank you all for your kind words. It's what sustains me most days. Do any of you ever remember standing on the end of the high dive explaining to yourself why you should jump? I'm there. Hanging 10...in a way
Any thought on this book? Relational Trauma is a new term for me and fits my life completely. I have been through this in my first marriage of 12 years and now my second marriage of 10 years. I am educated as a RN so I understand theory etc. Actually I am in a Masters Program now.
I do not believe that I am a Co-Addict. I have set strict guidelines and a relapse is game over. Any thoughts on this? I suspected he was cheating for years but blamed myself because of my first marriage ending in infidelity.
The philosophy has changed quite a bit, and I believe Steffens and Means are largely responsible for that. I really like the respectful way Milton Magness treats spouses and suggest you check out his material and website next.
(Outta) my dear friend. If you weren't afraid of this next step, I'd worry. You WILL make the choices that are right for you. It's time to put yourself first, listen to your heart, move with deliberation, but with temperance. You will be fine...just put one foot in front of the other.
I detached from him after 3 years and I'm still going through the motions. Each day is getting easier. It's been 3 weeks. I'm getting stronger, and feeling even more validated in the decisions I have made. I still break down and cry. I loose my marbles at times but once you make the decision you will start to heal and see change in yourself. Little things but change. I'm not telling you to bolt for the door, just that there is hope if you choose that route. I was very angry yesterday and today and I'm trying to let that go. He's out so there is really no point. Need to concentrate on how to fix me. See my therapist next week and S-Anon meeting on Tuesday. Baby steps.
Sparkle - Still waiting on that bloody STD. That will be the death of me. Had to give another pee sample as the lab screwed up. So many things about this suck! but I keep thinking there has to be a silver lining somewhere I think it may be that I dodged a bullet . Staying and dealing with a 20 year addiction was way to much for my brain to handle after reading so many stories on here. Not that there isn't hope, but it's a very long hard road
What the fuck is wrong with me that I attract these people? He isn't the first sex addict I've attracted. He was just able to hide it better. I swear if this doesn't work out I'm staying single. I'm probably better off if I keep attracting these idiots
I just wanted to check in and join the thread. My latest struggle is he still minimizes how bad he is as an addict. He readily admits he's an addict, but he sees people who are worse at meetings----arrests, sex w/ animals etc, so he thinks he's only a 4/10. When he is REALLY bad. I spent the first 6 months walking around like a zombie bc I had no idea who I was married to. Finding his secret email accounts and many different disclosure dates etc. It's been really hard and I wonder HOW can someone who is this far gone really change???
My H minimized at the beginning too. There really were people who did much worse things, and he had a difficult time accepting that they suffered from the same thing.
Is your H new in recovery? As H worked the steps, the minimizing stopped. Once they have all of their actions written in front of them, they'll either run away or face it.
[This message edited by sadone29 at 8:49 PM, June 6th (Friday)]
TMI would've been a 'blow by blow' account
Gps tracker in his car. Hardly ever check it, but the sleepy spidey senses woke up with a jolt today and he was way off the radar - and then came home and lied about it.
I feel sick, sad, angry, but I've detached as far as he's concerned, I've told him I'm done.
I can't physically move out right now, but we no longer share a bed, I've contacted my solicitor and I have walked away from our business (no loss there, mainly due to his addiction, it's in serious sh%t anyway). Monday I'll start job and househunting. No money, so will be tough.
I tried. He didn't.
[This message edited by Sparkle0504 at 12:01 PM, June 6th (Friday)]
I'm so sorry. It's sad to see all these men (and women) torture themselves and those around them when there's a way out. I guess it doesn't work unless they really want it. And we can't do that for them.
p.s definitely no blow by blows from me, ever! That would just be wrong. lol!
@ Mom...most of us don't identify as Coaddicts, in the traditional sense. And there has been such backlash, and new thinking about spouses of SAs that even the "experts" think the term means something different when applied here. I was "co" in some ways, enabling him to continue his behaviors that I,too, knew nothing about. I stopped asking questions that led to arguments. Most researchers refer to us a coaddicts only because we are supremely affected by their selfish and destructive behaviors.
Welcome to a club no one wants to join.