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User Topic: Spouses/Partners of Sex Addicts-13
sadone29
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Member # 38597
Default  Posted: 11:15 AM, May 17th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Love the new thread already! So many good topics that we all deal with daily, I'm sure.

In the old thread there was talk about hard ass sponsors. It's weird, because for five years, there was a hidden third person in my marriage (OW). Now, we're still a threesome, but he is very much visible. I know his new sponsor because he was also in s-anon. He's a good guy, and I know he has H's best interest at heart, so I do want to learn to work with him (he has given me his number so I can check with him if I'm panicking and wondering if H really is meeting with him). But H has told me that he's married to me and that comes first.

About checking up on him...I went months making myself not check because I thought it made me sick. But now I see that it's part of my healing. It was driving me crazy not checking! The key is to work together in this case. If the SA is really serious about recovery, they will make everything available and won't get upset at you checking. If he does get upset, that is a red flag to me. The goal is to get beyond power plays and begin to become a real team.

About kids....both H and I grew up in families where everything was a secret. I grew up not knowing anything and it led to me making terrible choices. So we know that we have to talk to the kids. They're still young, so it obviously has to be appropriate. Last week, we told them that H goes to a group that helps him be a better dad and husband. We let them know that they will know more about it as they grow older and we're not trying to keep secrets from them. Of course, I'm scared about how they're supposed to learn about healthy sexuality as they grow up. Today, we're going to go out and buy an age appropriate book about sex, babies and such. I never ever got anything like that growing up. I feel like I have to fight my natural instinct to not talk about these things. But they're more important than my awkwardness around certain topics.


DDay Feb. 28, 2013
"I am pretty sure enforcing the boundary is the most important part of the boundary"- Jerry Seinfeld

Posts: 767 | Registered: Mar 2013
whatgives
♀ Member
Member # 43395
Default  Posted: 12:12 PM, May 17th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi all - I'm in the Just found out section. Do I just post a link to my post in here to join in on the convo or just copy my story in and go from there. I like the feedback in here and I'm getting a lot of inspiration from all the feedback.

Posts: 51 | Registered: May 2014 | From: Toronto
Rubyrain
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Member # 42897
Default  Posted: 2:35 PM, May 17th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Quietnomore, I feel weird, too, almost two months out. I go through spells of this odd numb detachment, then rages, then hysterical sadness. The numb spells freak me out the most. It's very strange to discover how one reacts to emotional trauma. :(

Sparkle, about retail therapy, etc- we were pretty tight financially, then in March we received a small inheritance (H's mom died suddenly and tragically in February). March 17 he emailed a whore and one line I will never forget is: "money is no issue " fucking winky face and all. They were trying to schedule for the following week and I found out before they could pin down date, time and place, but you'd better believe I took his message to heart. I bought new rugs for the house, new clothes for the kids, new glasses for me... I didn't go nuts, but if we needed it, I got it. And all the while when spending-guilt threatened to creep up, I'd tell myself, money is no issue


Me: BS 37
Him: SA 34
Dday: 3/22/14
4 years together and 2 kids
Porn, strippers, contacted escorts... what more?

Everything was beautiful and nothing hurt.
-Kurt Vonnegut


Posts: 39 | Registered: Mar 2014
whatgives
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Member # 43395
Default  Posted: 3:51 PM, May 17th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I can't believe what this is doing to me. I am starting to find out more info now that I have decided to tell a sister-in-law. My stomach is in knots all the time even though he's moved back to his Dad's. I feel like he took the easy way out and left me hanging with all these unanswered questions. No owing up to anything here. He's just started a new life of being an online predator and escort searching. That I'm sure of and I know I have no control over. I'm so all of the place with my emotions. I have no kids this weekend which is good and it's giving me time to process and grieve. I don't think he was ever Truly in Love with me even though he acted the part. That's the way it feels. I think it was huge cover up to his lifestyle. I could throw up. So sad today. So emotional.


Posts: 51 | Registered: May 2014 | From: Toronto
fyrebird
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Member # 43093
Default  Posted: 3:52 PM, May 17th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

At 6 months in, he really is not in a position to help others, even with their question on the steps. In fact, part of the recovery process IS learning to be more intimate with others (not just in the physical sense, but emotionally), and so on that basis alone I think that having a relationship even as a friendship with a female addict is bad news. Part of the 12 step recovery is to foster relationships with others and to learn new ways of interacting.

He is learning to form new perspectives on people (he likens it to a light coming on in a dim room). He is leaning toward giving this woman a "I'd like to help you, but I am not comfortable" speech.
His choice. Given his profession, he is around many people including women constantly. I cannot live in constant fear, it would drive me crazy.

Is there any reason why these three females cannot form their own group? That would be the more appropriate response. They could find a CSAT willing to lead them as a group. If there is any help he really wants to provide, it should be in referring them to the appropriate CSAT and leaving it at that.

I cannot answer that question. There was only one other female previously and he knew she wouldn't last because she wouldn't speak to anyone. The more established members thought it was only male, but apparently there is noting in the rules specific to the situation. I think they'd be looking into establishing a female meeting, but I have no first hand knowledge on how all that works. I will bring it up to our CSAT, but she is not in the same town as the SAA meetings so she may or may not know of a course of action.

As much as I detest this addiction, it is now a part of my life. I don't get the whole addiction concept (be it drugs/alcohol/sex) so I am out of my element here. But I know how lost safwh was in those early days. He could have easily used the lack of a map to blow off recovery. I do not want any person (male/female/straight/gay/undetermined) to be blown off when they are asking for help. I cannot help to put myself in the shoes of this woman's significant other.... fear and pain then to hear that a group (SAA) shuns her just because her plumbing is inside instead of out.

I am not comfortable with telling safwh what he can and cannot do. I am not his mother and refuse to hold his hand like a two year old the rest of our lives. At the end of the day, if safwh is going to act out again, there is nothing I can do to help or hinder that. I have my boundaries set. He knows where my limit is.


Posts: 31 | Registered: Apr 2014 | From: United States
fyrebird
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Member # 43093
Default  Posted: 3:59 PM, May 17th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

hugs to you whatgives.

I remember the grieving part. It was the scariest part of my trauma. I am sorry that you don't have an opportunity to get the answers you are searching for. Not that it truly changes anything, but he may not have the answers you need. Practice self care. Eat, sleep and breathe. Allow yourself to feel. There is no time table on any of the stages, but you need to keep yourself physically well while your emotions are in turmoil.


Posts: 31 | Registered: Apr 2014 | From: United States
whatgives
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Member # 43395
Default  Posted: 4:30 PM, May 17th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks Fyrebird - I know it won't make a difference. I just have this underlying need to know the whole truth. If not whole then part. He's only owing up to what's he's been caught this time on....and email to and escort and their websites.....but yet says he didn't follow through. Didn't Cheat. It's haunting me. I need to hear the words because I know he has now in my heart. Why is that so important. It doesn't change anything.

The eating part is a challenge. I'm down about 10lbs this week and it's making me weak. I walk my dog, try to distract but I'm always in that place of thought.


Posts: 51 | Registered: May 2014 | From: Toronto
TooManyYears
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Member # 26108
Default  Posted: 6:25 PM, May 17th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

fyrebird,

He is leaning toward giving this woman a "I'd like to help you, but I am not comfortable" speech.
His choice. Given his profession, he is around many people including women constantly. I cannot live in constant fear, it would drive me crazy.....

I am not comfortable with telling safwh what he can and cannot do. I am not his mother and refuse to hold his hand like a two year old the rest of our lives. At the end of the day, if safwh is going to act out again, there is nothing I can do to help or hinder that. I have my boundaries set. He knows where my limit is.

Lest you think that I am a controlling harpy, I do not monitor my H's recovery at all. My H is a professional who deals with women coworkers and clients everyday. You are 100% correct that if he wanted to find a way to act out, he would; how many SA's scan at the grocery store? Nothing was stopping him before, including his job or the law. That being said, he has spent years working with his CSAT and working the steps and understands that there are lines that should not be crossed.

I don't know if you attend a 12 step group yourself, but emotional intimacy is an important building block of the group. Members are encouraged to make phone calls, check in, and meet up for healthy activities. Besides that, I don't think it is a good idea to mix sexes in a 12 step group that focuses on SA. A lot of people come and go in SA groups. There are individuals who are strong in recovery, but a lot of members are weaker in their recoveries and unable to discuss sordid thoughts and acting out without triggering. When I used to attend S-Anon, our group was closed to men, because most of us did not feel comfortable sharing intimate scenarios with a man. These are pretty basic boundaries. I don't think I am some backwards prude because someone has "different plumbing" than I do; I think it boils down to safety in recovery and appropriate boundaries. I realize that this addiction and living with it slowly skews our positions on many things and we can have difficulties defining right and wrong. I know that I felt like a frog in a boiling pot of water. I didn't get to the dysfunctional level where I was on the last d-day all at once, but slowly over time.

We also attended RCA for awhile. One of the problems we found with RCA was that most of the other couples were dealing with alcohol addiction, not SA, and their boundaries were far different. I think that maybe some of them were dealing with the alcohol, but not the behaviors of addiction, and I was very uncomfortable with some of the group dynamics, especially with some of the women alcoholics. I wouldn't have went and started drinking vodka in the fellowship, but a couple of them had no problems talking about things that were not appropriate for us as a couple in recovery for SA.

I think your SAWH has the right idea in giving the "I am not comfortable with this" speech. And honestly, if these women want recovery bad enough, they will seek it out. My H and countless others did when they hit their bottom. There was no one leading my H by the hand, he went out and sought the resources himself, because he really wanted this. This is the age of the internet and a wide variety of materials pointing the way toward recovery can be obtained easily.


Me- 40
H, rSA- 46 - 5 years of recovery with a CSAT and 12 step group
2 young adult children
Married 21 years
Last D-day 9/19/09 (Many before this)

Posts: 509 | Registered: Nov 2009
TooManyYears
♀ Member
Member # 26108
Default  Posted: 6:41 PM, May 17th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

whatgives,

I am sorry that you find yourself here. The sad reality is that you probably won't ever know the full truth. It is hard, because if you could have that admission you might feel that you could have closure, but from here on out taking care of yourself is now the priority.

I don't think he was ever Truly in Love with me even though he acted the part. That's the way it feels. I think it was huge cover up to his lifestyle.

When they are active in their addiction, they cannot love anyone, especially themselves. They may want to love us, but they can't. Most of them come from dysfunction and abuse and that is at their core. We are cover ups for their lives. We are their attempt to put on a good face to the rest of the world and appear normal. Some of them even think marriage will fix them and take away those desires. That is why they get married and have families. I think my H wanted to love me all those years and he wanted to be loved, but he was rotten in his core and needed to get to a point where he could love himself first.

Hugs and take care of yourself!


Me- 40
H, rSA- 46 - 5 years of recovery with a CSAT and 12 step group
2 young adult children
Married 21 years
Last D-day 9/19/09 (Many before this)

Posts: 509 | Registered: Nov 2009
TooManyYears
♀ Member
Member # 26108
Default  Posted: 6:50 PM, May 17th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Rubyrain,

I saw your post in General about failing to implement the 180. The 180 is truly for you, no matter what happens. It is a good way to focus on yourself and your kids. I realize that a lot of people shy away from the 180 because they think that it will harm their chances at R or that it is game playing, but I look at it as a way to empower you.

After the last d-day, my H and I were separated for 3 months. The first month was super hard, because I was in the post d-day fog, but after that, I cleaned house like you wouldn't believe, got my butt to the gym, got a post-nup, and bought the car I wanted (which was a mistake in hindsight, lol, as it was a foreign sports car that has been expensive to maintain). It was a time where he had nothing other than his job to go to and to focus on his recovery. He had to make that decision. It was good for him, too, to feel like he was choosing it for himself.

I don't blame you for the anger and rage you are feeling; that is a normal part of this process, too. You are only human, and I guess I would be more concerned if you didn't feel these emotions at the cards you have been dealt. Hang in there and keep working on you!


Me- 40
H, rSA- 46 - 5 years of recovery with a CSAT and 12 step group
2 young adult children
Married 21 years
Last D-day 9/19/09 (Many before this)

Posts: 509 | Registered: Nov 2009
whatgives
♀ Member
Member # 43395
Default  Posted: 7:54 PM, May 17th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks TooMany - Your words help and your right I'm looking for closure. I'm trying so hard not to harbour contempt and anger but it's a process. He's gone now so I'm alone to deal with what the coward left behind which is unanswered questions, kids that need me to have the talk with them, and being the responsible one. I am also left with al the debt. He moved in with me so we renovated the kids rooms to accommodate his son. 10 Grand later and he has no ties to that. He just walked out from what it seems and has started the whole process again because he knows he has been busted one too many times. I'm sure I will learn more as the days go on. I get things in pieces like a puzzle. I sit here alone. No TV, No radio just silence and try to gather my thoughts. God help us all as we try to find strength to get through all of these darkest moments.


Posts: 51 | Registered: May 2014 | From: Toronto
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Default  Posted: 7:56 PM, May 17th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I know from my Cosa meetings that I need to stop snooping but that has become my addiction over the past 9 mos :(
I was at an S-Anon gathering where Jennifer Schneider (author and researcher) spoke. Someone asked about snooping. She said it may be futile, as you can cheat so easily with today’s technology, but that it is being done because we want to feel safe. If we are staying with the addict, we have a right to want to feel safe. If you’re having sex with them, you NEED to make sure you are safe physically. Your very life is at risk.

The snooping does feel like an addiction; I can remember that. My CSAT wanted me to stop, for my mental health, but she also wanted me to see reality. In my case, my X didn’t ever quit cheating with prostitutes. I wasn’t safe. Verifying that by snooping eventually got me to see that I needed to leave. I was very reluctant to do that, as I was afraid of divorcing him.

It’s all a big mess, but if you are wanting to reconcile, you do need to verify that you are safe. So some checking will need to be done. I guess the thing to do to be healthy is to realize that your gut may be screaming at you for a reason, and you might have to face that the relationship may end. Or you might have to balance the snooping you do with some healthy self-care. I just think that the COSA and S-Anon thinking is missing something somewhere! I think the general thinking about sex addiction and relationships is evolving, and this is an area that needs more work. We are traumatized first, not just "co-addicted". I remember some of the S-Anon meeting material just didn't apply to me.

I hope this helps.


Posts: 1271 | Registered: Aug 2010
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Default  Posted: 8:02 PM, May 17th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Today I don't know if I can do this. I am so broken inside. He has destroyed my heart. I haven't really even cried yet. All I feel is horrified and numb. Is that normal? To stay in shock this long? D-day was May 3rd and I still haven't cried. I don't know how to bring the devastation to the surface. Can anyone relate to that reaction and tell me how you got through, how you got the tears to flow? I know they need to. The pain and confusion is at such a deep level that it hasn't reached my heart.

QNM, I can relate to this! I’m four years out from DDay #1, and there’s still some numbness in me. I think that EMDR would help you to feel, and to process the strong emotions that are buried. Our MC suggested EMDR for me early on and it helped immensely. I highly recommend it, as it works and it works faster than therapy. I also had a lot of turmoil that I had to “get out of me”. I found that journaling helped with that. I also used to look for images for certain things I was feeling….I’d google search images for “betrayal”, “rage” or “broken heart”. It helped connect the feelings in a different way for me. I think it is sorta’ “left brain” “right brain” stuff. I’d cut and paste the images that spoke to me, and print them out for a notebook. Music helped as well. I had certain “done me wrong” songs that I’d play in the car when I was alone. I’d sing as loud as I could, and tears frequently flowed with that.

Keep in mind, though, that these feelings are boxed up until you are ready to deal with them. It’s a self-protection thing, so you don’t need to worry about it too soon, you know? Let yourself heal slowly. It’s a horrible journey, but when you get to a new place of peacefulness, you’ll love and appreciate that so much!!!


Posts: 1271 | Registered: Aug 2010
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Default  Posted: 8:04 PM, May 17th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

{{{ hugs }}} to all the new posters. It breaks my heart whenever someone new comes in because I know how much it hurts.

Please know that you can process this and heal from it, and life is great afterwards!!! I didn't think I could bear the pain sometimes, but now I enjoy every day. Hang in there!!!


Posts: 1271 | Registered: Aug 2010
scaredyKat
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Member # 25560
Default  Posted: 8:23 PM, May 17th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I just think that the COSA and S-Anon thinking is missing something somewhere! I think the general thinking about sex addiction and relationships is evolving, and this is an area that needs more work. We are traumatized first, not just "co-addicted". I remember some of the S-Anon meeting material just didn't apply to me.

This is absolutely accurate. SANON and COSA were built on the Al-anon and Nar-anon frameworks where the addiction to drugs and alcohol was obvious, where testing could be done to determine use, where total abstinence could be enforced externally. None of these are true with Sex Addiction. Co addicts are those that put up with addicts and in many cases enable the behaviors often to keep the peace. I was definitely an enabler. However, I enabled bad behavior, I had no idea the sexual acting out was happening.
Carne's and other researchers are revising their definitions as they apply to spouses and families of sex addicts. Yes, it is a family disease in that it damages the family unit by the dysfunction it causes. But the "co" part refers not to the spouse having a parallel addiction, but one who shares and is damaged by the addiction. Researchers lean far more heavily on the trauma model as described by Steffens and Means than they do on the co addiction model. COSA and SANON haven't caught up with this yet.

Please don't be discouraged by this to go to one of their meetings
. Having people in real life to whom you can speak is priceless. You can get valuable feedback on boundaries, on therapists, on just about everything. You don't have to drink the koolaid. You don't have to work the steps yourself. But IMHO, 12step philosophy has much to offer everyone. Addicts need to work it far more than most, they need the structure, but we all can benefit from the wisdom.

[This message edited by scaredyKat at 8:25 PM, May 17th (Saturday)]


Me-BS-60
HIM-SAFWH-63
Damn autocorrect is responsible for the silly errors, sorry!

Posts: 3646 | Registered: Sep 2009 | From: In my head
Sparkle0504
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Member # 40379
Default  Posted: 6:13 AM, May 18th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Whatgives: I don't think he was ever Truly in Love with me even though he acted the part. That's the way it feels. I think it was huge cover up to his lifestyle.

TooManyYears: When they are active in their addiction, they cannot love anyone, especially themselves. They may want to love us, but they can't. Most of them come from dysfunction and abuse and that is at their core. We are cover ups for their lives. We are their attempt to put on a good face to the rest of the world and appear normal. Some of them even think marriage will fix them and take away those desires. That is why they get married and have families. I think my H wanted to love me all those years and he wanted to be loved, but he was rotten in his core and needed to get to a point where he could love himself first.

This is something I've been really struggling with recently - the possible "sham" aspect of our relationship and it's something that I won't really know the answer for some time, if ever. The realisation, though, that our whole relationship could well just be part of his sickness (even to the point that I now think of him driving over to see me in the early days, not excited to see me (as I was him) in the "normal" way, but "excited" to see me KWIM?

There are confusing parts to this, though. Eg why did I "slip through the net" of the many women that he's met up with - who he would see once or twice and then move on from, avoiding any kind of emotional attachment?

I think my H wanted to love me all those years and he wanted to be loved

I didn't think too much of it at the time, but I remember one evening walking home from a night out with him (very romantic, it was snowing big fluffy flakes and we were stood under a streetlamp), we told each other ily and he asked me, "yes, but how do you KNOW that you love me?" And I explained that it was that "swelly uppy" feeling I got, knowing I was going to see him and spend time with him. The happiness I felt with him, looking at him, talking with him, touching him. That we share the same interests, eg we love hiking. I could do that with anyone, but I loved doing it with him. The same about sex, I could have sex with anyone (well not "anyone" but ykwim lol), but I love having sex with him, well I did before the whole Madonna/whore complex shit kicked in , he totally "does it for me". And much more...

But he seemed to have trouble accepting that I could "love" him and I am positive he believes that even now. Classic SA belief system - "I am unloveable, unworthy", coupled with defensiveness and self-protection, blah blah blah - it makes a whole sorry, painful mess It's true, he holds me tight - but only in the night, when he thinks I'm asleep. He struggles with any affection at all during the day now

However, at last, I'm finding myself detaching. There are days when I feel like kicking, screaming, the whole deal. I cry. My heart is broken and trampled - I'm human! But my SAWH is white knuckling, refusing to do the real work to fix himself and it's just not good enough.


Me 44 (BS) Him 52 (SAWH)
DDay (too many to mention), but 1st 06/2011

The truth hurts, but nowhere near as much as the lies
"Sounds harsh, but she's my wife and I'm supposed to be there when she's having sex" Sal1995


Posts: 221 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: England
soconfusednow
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Member # 40078
Default  Posted: 6:30 AM, May 18th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

fyrebird I haven't read all your comments yet, but wanted to get this out there & I'm running out of time.

This person has questions on the steps. These three women came together to his SAA meeting because there are no female meetings. They have been to other meetings (aa, na, etc) to try and fill the gap for the lack of female meetings.
Three people are enough to call it a meeting. Some may disagree, but I feel the is no place for mixed sex SA meetings. That's like holding an AA meeting in a bar.

Have him give this info to the women & send them packin.
http://www.sa.org/meetings_email.php
http://www.sa.org/meetings_phone.php

I tend to be pessimistic but she’s asking your H for help after only 1 meeting? Are you sure the woman didn’t just go there thinking it’d be easy to pick up a new fling?


D-Day January 2013
prior EA in the 90's
me 50
WH 52
NC-several
last broken NC 7/2013 (hopefully)
Married 29 years
2 kids
Want to believe it's over, but is it really? Will I ever trust again?

Posts: 317 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: USA
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Default  Posted: 6:36 AM, May 18th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Please don't be discouraged by this to go to one of their meetings. Having people in real life to whom you can speak is priceless. You can get valuable feedback on boundaries, on therapists, on just about everything. You don't have to drink the koolaid. You don't have to work the steps yourself. But IMHO, 12step philosophy has much to offer everyone.
This is so true! I am still friends with the woman I met who was so kind to me at my first S-Anon meeting. We moved on to NPD/sociopath land, but she's my go-to telephone person when I trigger. She gets it like no one else. Priceless support!! I also love my Al-Anon meetings - they help me work on my peace, serenity and ability to deal with chaos/stress/worry. They help me define what is mine to work on, and what to let go of.

Posts: 1271 | Registered: Aug 2010
Nellie2
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Default  Posted: 6:57 AM, May 18th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hello! I don't know if anyone remembers me I was a long time reader then in January I finally plucked up the courage to register and post because I had decided to finally leave after recent confessions. But shockingly I didn't leave, I couldn't make myself do it, and so I never came back here, even to read because I was so ashamed. Well at Easter shockingly there were new confessions. Again. But I did it! I have separated!!! I have separated with the hope and plan of reconciliation but I am so proud of myself for finally finally following through. I know look forward to slowly re reading what's been happening the last 6 months.

Below is my introduction post from January.

Hi everyone. I have been reading on and off for a couple of years (and followed Hath's story in particular - "hi hath!") but it's time I come out and introduce myself, I am Nellie and my husband is a sex addict.

I knew when we got married 13 years ago he looked at porn, but I figured that was fairly normal. There were many warning signs, and partial disclosures when caught over that time. Always swearing THIS time I knew everything and this time he was a changed man. I always caught him at this point, he had never voluntarily come to me and confessed.

In August 2011 he confessed that he had been lying for our entire marriage. That he had been visiting strip clubs, peep shows, massage parlors and prostitutes. I was devastated but he voluntarily told me all this (was not caught in any way) and I had no way of knowing it so I had hope. Hope that he was broken and at rock bottom and that finally we could move forward. It was at this time that I found this website and found great comfort in following your journeys and feeling less alone even though I never posted. He did seek counselling with a CSAT, and my DH had support and accountability with a group of recovering sex addicts (though it was not SA).

I have had suspicions for a little while. About 2 months ago I again confronted him and asked him. He admitted he had been masturbating and lying for the last 12 months but swore it was nothing else. About 4 weeks ago I caught him looking at porn. He admitted he had been regularly viewing porn and listening to erotic podcasts (who knew that these existed) and masturbating but swore that was it nothing else. Today he admitted he had visited a prostitute 18 months ago and had been viewing porn and masturbating then too, but wait for it he swears it was just the one time and there is nothing else.

Shockingly I don't believe him. It's awful this staggered disclosure stage. He is not following any of the things his CSAT says though we have been pouring money into this for 2 blooming years. He says all the right things but it's all just talk and lies. I feel dissappointed in the CSAT and will be hoping to meet with him to discuss this next week.

But mostly I am just terribly sad and without hope. Last time I had the hope that this was a new start for us. This time I have none. I married so young (19) to escape an abusive homelife with the misguided fantasy that i could build a new healthy life and the family i always dreamed of, instead i have swapped one toxic environment for another. Whats worse is that I have bought 3 precious children into the world with him (all before the 2011 disclosure so at that stage I didn't know the extent of things) whose lives are tremendously damaged by all this, and without something happening are at a ridiculously high risk of doing exactly what i did.

I have never worked, never completed any degrees. How can I now find work to support my family when I am 32 with no experience or qualifications.

I am not decided on leaving. I can't bear the thought of it even now. I am codependant and stuck in this cycle. Anyone else I would be saying "leave, leave now" but here I am. Damaging my children. Damaging myself and I feel unable to change. Maybe I should have introduced myself as "hi, I am Nellie and I am a codependant".

Nice to finally meet you and join in.

Nellie x



Posts: 3 | Registered: Jan 2014
anothermoron
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Member # 43237
Default  Posted: 7:49 AM, May 18th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Apologies if this is not the appropriate place to post this. I am a recovered sex addict. I say recovered because I hit rock bottom earlier this year, confessed everything to my wife (porn, prostitutes) and am desperately trying to fix myself and my marriage (therapy, reading, putting others ahead of myself).
But when I have a proper think about what I've done - this went on for five years, basically all our marriage - I feel that I don't deserve a second chance, because for her, our marriage will never have that feeling of innocence that it once did.
Is there any hope?
Also, did any of your SA spouses think you were cheating (or think they thought you were cheating) before they started acting out? (that is my story).
Really sorry for all the pain you're all going through. Fwiw, reading your stories really helps us to "get it," in SI parlance. And also helps us to get ourselves. Should be compulsory daily reading to anyone trying to fix their mess...

Posts: 43 | Registered: Apr 2014 | From: New York
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