And on the subject of sex - he swears black and blue that he's been "on the wagon" for three months or so and tbh my spidey senses have been remarkably quiet, so who knows? And coincidentally(?) our once frequent sex life has dried up completely. It's hard to take...
You're braver than you believe, and stronger than you seem, and smarter than you think (A A Milne)
@Kayaker, congrats on going to a meeting!
@Sparkle, good luck on your first one tonight!
Three years to the day since D-Day #1 for me, so this is more than overdue. That said, I'm in surprisingly good shape today, so hopefully wont snivel too much and actually be able to hear what people are saying lol
It wasn't until recently that it crossed my mind that sex with me might be a trigger for him to act out. So I started watching his behaviour after we'd had sex and lo and behold, the SA appeared to ramp up again Which may have something to do with us NOT having sex at the moment (our sex life conked out at about the time he appears to have stopped acting out), I wonder if he is conscious that it may be a trigger? I can see why SAs in a programme do the 90 day abstinence now.
I'm a very "sexual" person, high sex drive, I love sexual intimacy with my husband and it's something I know I have to think about very carefully, should there be a "going forward" (yo-yo-ing on that front right now). How can anyone relax and make love, wondering if their WS is consequently going to be drumming up an escort booking the next day? THAT'S if our sex life recovers in the first place
That said, after some very frank discussions recently, we seem to be getting some non-sexual intimacy back and I'm pleased, although very, very wary.
It's all so surreal. I keep thinking about what I thought my life was 3 months ago. I went with him to his third SA meeting last night and he thanked me. I reminded him that I vowed for better or worse and I keep my vows.
So many things to face and deal with.
[This message edited by sadone29 at 1:33 PM, June 4th (Wednesday)]
The last 10 minutes are saved for the newcomer to speak only if they feel comfortable. I spoke briefly, said the addiction was something other than alcohol.
When leaving 2 women gave me lovely long silent hugs. Cue the tissues.
Hugs all around on the damage to our sex lives. There always seems to be so much focus on the SA's sex life. I always wanted to say, "What about me?? What about MY sex life? It was nearly obliterated! And I love sex, too!"
I'm divorced and no where near ready to trust again. I'm staying in therapy for a long time. I get it now why it takes so many years to recover. I think my nasty divorce was a detour from the recovery process though, as it was a big (stressful) distraction.
I missed your post, so sorry!!
I wish I could give you a real life hug.
edited to add: you are on my prayer list for tonight. Wishing you some comfort and serenity.
[This message edited by sadone29 at 3:34 PM, June 4th (Wednesday)]
Prayers appreciated and words of encouragement make all the difference.
I asked H last night what his favorite memory of us is. "Ah..we have SO many wonderful memories" Ok, which one then?....nothing.
About a week before the Big D-Day nearly three years ago, I asked my STBX what he even liked about me. I asked it because I knew something was up again, and he seemed incapable of making a SPECIFIC statement about me or our marriage. Like:
Me: Does this tankini look okay in the back?
Him, distracted: You're beautiful.
Me: Really? How?
Him: Ummmmm. Your eyes. Your, ummmm, hair.
Him: I love you and I'm so sorry for everything I've done.
Me: Really? Why do you love me?
Him: Ummmmm. You're such a GOOD PERSON.
I really think it's part of the disease (addiction or mental illness). It seems to take up so much room after a while that it shuts down anything normal or good.
I know how hard this is. You're very brave. Keep moving forward.
I think I'm almost angrier at myself than I am at him. I can get away from him but, I can't get away from me. I don't know what I'm stepping off into but, I figure it can't get any worse...please tell me I'm right!
I was planning to go Friday to open my own bank account but, just hot a call from my girlfriend who wants to take me to The Big Easy this weekend. It would be rude to turn her down, right?
I haven't said the words yet but, I know he feels it. I think I'm going to wait until our MC in a couple of weeks so that we will have a referee otherwise don't have a master plan on how to do this. I figure if I can get thru this it has to be brighter on the other side of hell.
Sex is so different now, isn't it? 8 years ago, when my WH was first diagnosed, we were abstinent for 6 months. Had it been necessary, we'd have gone longer. Sex--when we started up again--was more intimate and wonderful than ever!
After that, all seemed well for the first 4 years or so. Then, little by little, he started slipping, stopped going to counseling, lost his sponsor to a move, then stopped attending group meetings. Sometime in the next 4 years, he had a couple EAs (no protestations of love, no sexting, just building a new relationship whilst neglecting ours), discovered atheism ("not that there's anything wrong with that" ), slipped--despite meds--deeply into depression, then started a new slide off the wagon. And this fall was hard--PA, escorts, prostitute, hook-up sites, etc. A few months before his A started, he also started experiencing ED for the first time (not "cured" by the new sex partners).
Since his return to therapy (not a CSAT but an addiction specialist), we haven't been abstinent by design, but have been almost by accident. We've had sex 3 or 4 times in the last 3 or 4 months. And because we're both vested in his maintaining an erection, neither of us has been all too worried about MY pleasure. Not sure what I think of that because I just realized it. This may be unusual for a SA, but he's almost always been mindful of my needs, too. Just not recently because of these new ED developments. Obviously, we need to talk. Sigh.
Luckily for me, he's very tactile, and we touch a lot. I do feel loved. He's so focused on not acting out and on trying to wrap his mind around FOO issues and on surviving the shame of his actions these past two years that I'm almost an afterthought. But, again, we connect with hugging and cuddling and texting and hair playing and hand holding, so . . . Hope some of those comfort you, too. I know they help me stay sane and they give me hope.
My WH's AP just contacted him on Friday. He hasn't been schooled in how to handle something like that (he's not on SI), but he did OK. He ended the convo in 2-3 minutes, he asked her nothing, he immediately added the phone she used to her other blocked number, he unenrolled from a conference she was coming to town to attend, he told me the moment I got home from work, he realized the next time he gets an unknown caller from that state, he should let voicemail screen it--all these solutions were ones he came up with before ever telling me about the call. Decent. Of course, I'd like him to immediately hang up but her company works with his, and he must be professional. All I suggested is that he work on polite disinterest. No smiles when greeting. No acknowledgement of her other than what must be observed for the rest of the team. He's already disengaged himself from group meals whenever work meetings put them together (3-4 times a year?). I said, "She's really not your friend," to which he heartily agreed. We both think her M must be ending and she called to "fish." Freaks me out. And, he confessed, it does him, too. It took him a LONG time to unfog.
So the rollercoaster of love and drama and hope and distrust continues. Some days the ride is pretty sweet; some days, it just nauseates me. :( I thank my lucky stars for all of you who know exactly what I'm talking about!
[This message edited by RippedSoul at 10:41 PM, June 4th (Wednesday)]
hoping this works:
Have a good day ladies! Peace to us all.
I don't know what I'm stepping off into but, I figure it can't get any worse...please tell me I'm right!
I was planning to go Friday to open my own bank account
I figure if I can get thru this it has to be brighter on the other side of hell.