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I Can Relate     Print Topic    
User Topic: Spouses/Partners of Sex Addicts-13
cds22
♀ Member
Member # 39083
Default  Posted: 10:18 PM, June 1st (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank you for the advice.

He thinks he should see a psychiatrist and also he is going to look into a neuropsych evaluation. As far as I know he is open to some sort of executive function treatment. He is calling his IC/CSAT tomorrow to figure out who in our area can help him.

We have never had anything like this happen before with the kids. His executive function is terrible for things around the house but never, ever before with the kids. I am just shellshocked. He keeps on saying she is so new, he forgot he had a third child.

He is on meds for depression, he feels like he has anxiety issues and he said that all marital conflict we have due to his SA/other issues and also a conflict this weekend with a visiting inlaw was draining of his mental energy. Under stress he says he feels like he starts to partially shut down and become very inward focused. He has some narcissistic streaks in there but none of the multiple therapists we see things he has NPD, borderline, bipolar. What we have gotten is SA, depression, some anxiety, intimacy disorder.

I read about perfectly "normal" people forgetting their kids in the car and I don't know if I am over-reacting. But knowing that H does have very significant issues it feels much scarier and I am wary of shrugging it off as a one-time mistake. And I will document it def.

[This message edited by cds22 at 10:19 PM, June 1st (Sunday)]


Posts: 236 | Registered: Apr 2013
scaredyKat
♀ Member
Member # 25560
Default  Posted: 11:14 PM, June 1st (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Make sure he sees a GOOD psychiatrist, not just the HMO approved one. In fact, I strongly suggest he consider a university medical center. I don't always feel that is necessary, but these issues are TRICKY.

I often think we might have avoided years of escalation and heartache of SAFWH had done what was suggested and seen a psychiatrist long ago. Instead, he was treated for depression by his PCP. Once seen properly, his diagnosis of BP2 with comorbid ADD and anxiety and proper medication made a big difference. By then, the addiction was well established.

I don't think the brain disorder is an excuse. Nothing excuses being a selfish creep. But it help explain some pathology.

Hope, you have been in my thoughts and prayers. Here's hoping for a smart, logical, humane judgment....


Me-BS-60
HIM-SAFWH-63
Damn autocorrect is responsible for the silly errors, sorry!

Posts: 3692 | Registered: Sep 2009 | From: In my head
ChoosingHope
♀ Member
Member # 33606
Default  Posted: 11:15 PM, June 1st (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

That's good news that he'll see someone. Hang in there, and please watch your baby closely.


Posts: 1702 | Registered: Oct 2011
sadone29
♀ Member
Member # 38597
Default  Posted: 9:33 AM, June 2nd (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

@compartmented, I'm glad you had such a good experience at AA with your H! I'm terrified that I'll be that one exception where no one will greet me at all. I have that fear that I'm so awkward and anxious that I will repel anyone around me. On the other hand, I'm also terrified that I will be greeted and that will mean I'll have to open up. But, I am trying to deal with all this fear now at least!

@SK, sending you strength! I'm glad I'm not at the stage with the kids where I have to let go. My youngest gets sad at the thought of growing up, and she insists that she'll never leave.

@cds, wow, I'm so sorry you are going through this.
H does have ADHD. He does get overwhelmed if too much is happening. He does forget things when life is overwhelming. It's like he can't hold all of the information in his head.
I don't know if this is what's happening with your H, but even if it is, you know you need to protect the kids. I know it sucks. It means even more on your shoulders.


DDay Feb. 28, 2013
"I am pretty sure enforcing the boundary is the most important part of the boundary"- Jerry Seinfeld
Can't wait to D, but stuck financially until I find a way out of this SAHM position I'm in.

Posts: 788 | Registered: Mar 2013
sadone29
♀ Member
Member # 38597
Default  Posted: 9:43 AM, June 2nd (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

H had a slip, and we survived. I told him that I didn't have to know about the slips, but he can't even hide that from me anymore. It's incredible the difference in his personality when he's sober compared to when he slips or acts out.
And I'm getting better too. I didn't really think about trying to control him or his emotions. He got angry with our youngest. Before I would have been afraid to say anything about it and would passively try to get everyone to make peace. But this time, I immediately told him that I wouldn't put up with it (not in an angry way, just in a matter of fact way). He let me know he slipped and would get back on track. And he has been. It's a relief to know that I really won't put up with his problems and I won't let the kids put up with it either. I'm feeling stronger, and detached in a healthy way. I'm starting to believe that if he can't maintain long term sobriety, that I will do what I need to do.


DDay Feb. 28, 2013
"I am pretty sure enforcing the boundary is the most important part of the boundary"- Jerry Seinfeld
Can't wait to D, but stuck financially until I find a way out of this SAHM position I'm in.

Posts: 788 | Registered: Mar 2013
SadieMae
♀ Member
Member # 42986
Default  Posted: 9:53 AM, June 2nd (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

This is my first time posting here. He went to his first 2 meetings last week. I'm going to my first S-anon meeting on Wednesday and go back to my IC on Thursday.

I can't believe this is my life. 3 Months ago... I wouldn't have ever guessed this is where I would be now. I keep telling him my life is like a tornado went thru it.. Everything had been on track and now it's tornado wreckage.


Me: BW 40
Him: SAWH 40
Together half our lives.

Posts: 89 | Registered: Apr 2014 | From: North Carolina
sadone29
♀ Member
Member # 38597
Default  Posted: 11:42 AM, June 2nd (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Welcome SadieMae.
It took me quite a long time to just get over the shock that this is our life now. I'm glad to see that you're reaching out. I hope you keep coming back when you need to be heard.


DDay Feb. 28, 2013
"I am pretty sure enforcing the boundary is the most important part of the boundary"- Jerry Seinfeld
Can't wait to D, but stuck financially until I find a way out of this SAHM position I'm in.

Posts: 788 | Registered: Mar 2013
cds22
♀ Member
Member # 39083
Default  Posted: 12:29 PM, June 2nd (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Sadiemae, welcome! I know you must still be in shock and just reeling.

Sadone, when I think of you I always pin on "gracious, thoughtful, and kind." No one is going to be repulsed by you at the meeting. The opposite - - I suspect you will be surprised at how much people are drawn to you now that you are out and about more.

Choosinghope, fingers crossed here for a favorable divorce decree. I can't imagine waiting, waiting is always terrible and over this.

As for me, we went to our csat/MC this morning. It was awful, H was in tears. He seems like a shrunken, collapsed version of himself. We were both scared she would be a mandatory reporter and report us and H especially is in high anxiety mode and def. had to fight the urge to rugsweep. But obviously we need help here to protect the kids. I did recall another episode of poor attention/dmaking where H left the then week old baby on my three year old's lap, called upstairs to me he was going to work and kids were watching tv while I showered (this type of thing had always meant baby asleep in downstairs crib), and left forgetting the baby was on our little daughter's lap.

Anyway, MC said she thought it was most likely ADD coupled with anxiety which wipes out even further executive function. She said from working with us she didn't see any bipolar, borderline or NPD. She is putting us in touch with an ADD coach one of her clients use and the coach is going to refer us to a neuropsychologist. The neuropsych should be able to evaluate for ADD as well as other psychiatric illness. H will almost certainly try meds assuming the diagnosis goes as we expect. H is calling his IC to get referrals too. Until he gets his evaluation and treatment done we all agreed the kids shouldn't be alone with him so we will be getting more babysitting help on weekends. Sigh, more money and stuff to coordinate. :(

[This message edited by cds22 at 12:34 PM, June 2nd (Monday)]


Posts: 236 | Registered: Apr 2013
strengthandhope
♀ Member
Member # 37907
Default  Posted: 7:33 PM, June 2nd (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi SadieMae....welcome.

I am having anger issues today. It is getting close to the anniversary of the PA. I know a year ago he was acting out a ton. I can't help but rewind and grieve the life I thought I had. He has had problems for years, but this time last year he was seeing an IC, and we had a happy home life. We were taking the kids rollerblading at the park near our house. We were doing family things. We were enjoying our life. Too bad he had a separate sick life going on at the same time.

I had suspicions, but he was good at being the nice, good H at home, for the most part. I was not vigilant in checking his computer, I didn't want to be a detective. I just wanted him to realize he has issues and work through them with the IC. Well, the IC wasn't enough. He was lying to her, wasting money and acting out hours a week. He had the privacy at work (he was the boss) and the time to do all he wanted. The venue is now gone, he works from home. That gives me some peace of mind for now.

After the last DD on Feb 28, 2014 I have seen a real change and a person that has embraced the fact that he has issues that are beyond his control. He got his 90 chip from SAA last week. He also saw one of the group have to give up his chip. This affected him greatly. In a way I see him relieved. He didn't want to continue to live like that.

BUT for me, I still have fits of anger. The PA with the CL NSA whorebag really gets to me. I don't know how seeing an IC will stop this. I am functional and have happy days and joy in my life, it doesn't consume me, but it happens. I am just pissed. He says I should see someone. Well me seeing someone isn't going to erase what he did. It will not stop me from being angry about it. I do not think that support groups are for me either. SI helps me and so do the few close friends I have told. I am managing, but I know I may need to take that step in the future. It has only been 90 days, after all.....

SK...so sorry your DS had to go far away for a while. For me, my kids are my strength. I hold it together partly because of my duty to them. The love they give me heals and is pure and I need it. Mine are young, but I am sure one day I will have similar pains when they leave the nest! Hang in there....


Me: BS 30s
Him: SAWH, 30s sexting, pic sharing & phone sex with men & women
2 kids, M 8 yrs
DD#1 3/08, DD#2 7/11, DD#3 10/12 DD#4 2/14
OW #1 PA from 6/13-8/13 CL Troll
OW #2 EA from 11/13-2/14 online/phone sex A
Taking R 90 days at a time.

Posts: 184 | Registered: Dec 2012 | From: Mid west
scaredyKat
♀ Member
Member # 25560
Default  Posted: 7:44 PM, June 2nd (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks. This move may be permanent. It will depend on many things, job, who he meets, etc. Thankfully, he loves his career. That is what really counts.


Me-BS-60
HIM-SAFWH-63
Damn autocorrect is responsible for the silly errors, sorry!

Posts: 3692 | Registered: Sep 2009 | From: In my head
ChoosingHope
♀ Member
Member # 33606
Default  Posted: 8:10 PM, June 2nd (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((kat))) thinking of how so much of motherhood is letting go - and how hard that is.

Posts: 1702 | Registered: Oct 2011
Quakingaspen
♀ Member
Member # 41153
Default  Posted: 9:08 PM, June 2nd (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

((hugs to you all))

I'm reading and lurking, still just trying to figure out what to react to and what to just let go of. I appreciate you all so much, so thank you for being real here.

I'm struggling. I don't know what to do and feel like the only healthy thing I can do is give up. I told WH that I didn't feel good about our daughter spending time alone with him at his house because of the nature of his acting out (barely legal, stalking, etc.) He responded with a tantrum of epic proportions. Anger and just hate poured out of him, he called me unsupportive, uninterested in his (rather miraculous, according to him) recovery, and said that my words would forever haunt him and make him sick.

Now, for the most part, I realize I am justified and that I am doing the right thing for my daughter and my sanity. I have proof that he has not been honest about his sobriety, and that his acting out is still directed at the same type. I'm afraid he's already on some police list of pervs chasing teens on CL. I didn't want to confront him with my knowledge that he's still acting out because I am pretty sure it will just drive him further underground, as it has in the past.

I told him that I know he is lying about his sobriety. No details, just a simple I know. I told him that I cannot be more invested in his recovery than he is and that I am not seeing the changes he keeps telling me he's accomplished. I said I need him to address my concerns about his spending time alone with our daughter, because that is the issue. He's not speaking to me anymore.

I just feel so disposable and hopeless about him ever even really trying to get better. I'm really really devastated about this loss tonight.


I've seen enough.

WS-SA/NPD
D-Day: Too many in 17 years of marriage. LAST time 10/17/2013.


Posts: 122 | Registered: Oct 2013 | From: A little bit closer to Reality
scaredyKat
♀ Member
Member # 25560
Default  Posted: 10:23 PM, June 2nd (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

((((((Aspen))))))) You know you are doing the right thing. You MUST protect your daughter!!!

Now you have to work on you. Loving an active addict of ANY kind is soul crushing. They are incapable of loving you. Their love,their life IS their substance. And you deserve so much more, so much better.

Concentrate on that. You WILL have some grieving time, it is only natural. But then, Do some nice things for you.


Me-BS-60
HIM-SAFWH-63
Damn autocorrect is responsible for the silly errors, sorry!

Posts: 3692 | Registered: Sep 2009 | From: In my head
sadone29
♀ Member
Member # 38597
Default  Posted: 11:12 AM, June 3rd (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank you cds, you're going to make me cry! I find things so much easier on the internet, but I know that I need to get back into the world. I making some progress. I just came back from brunch with a friend. And I'm the one who asked her! I know it sounds silly, but that's actually a big step for me.

Aspen, sorry things are so rough. I know you want things to be different. You don't know what the future will hold, only what's in front of you now. It's difficult to tell the person you love and the father of your kids that you now have boundaries regarding their relationship. H was upset when I told him, but he handled it with grace. He didn't yell or go crazy. It's just further proof for me that he is getting stronger in his recovery. I hope that by protecting yourself and your daughter that your H will realize what he needs to do.


DDay Feb. 28, 2013
"I am pretty sure enforcing the boundary is the most important part of the boundary"- Jerry Seinfeld
Can't wait to D, but stuck financially until I find a way out of this SAHM position I'm in.

Posts: 788 | Registered: Mar 2013
lifeshattered
♀ New Member
Member # 43123
Default  Posted: 3:23 PM, June 3rd (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thought I'd give an update and ask a few more questions. My youngest daughters wedding was beautiful and I got through it without having a major melt down :smile : My grown children do not know what I'm going through but I was able to confide in my sister after the wedding. The kids knew something was off with me but assumed my H was having issues with his AA recovery. The after wedding company are now gone and it's time to work on me. I'm waiting to hear back from my doctor's referral to a physiatrist. My SAH is trying hard to do the all the right things. Going both to AA, SAA and IC. I'm still trying to wrap my head around the 33 years of lies & whores. I have no idea if I'll stay or go the pain is with me daily.

Here's my question of the day - My H stopped having sex with me 11 years ago because of supposed ED. If I stay and we repair with M - has anyone else been in this spot? I can't imagine being able to have sex with him again and all the mind movies I have, yet I feel cheated out of the sensual part of my life.


BS - 58
SAWH -57 - 22 prostitutes and online sex
Married 33 years
3 grown children
2 Granddaughters
33 years of lies

Posts: 25 | Registered: Apr 2014
kayaker55
♀ Member
Member # 41617
Default  Posted: 6:53 PM, June 3rd (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

No words of wisdom for you Lifeshat, just solidarity. My SAH also stopped the sex with me years ago citing ED, ya I bought it and felt badly for him. And I like you can't imagine getting back into it if we R. I am concentrating on processing this mess in IC, healing myself, and deciding if I want to R. I am leaving the physical part out until I feel stronger. We have had no physical contact for 15 months, I haven't been able to get past the admissions of the 30+ years of behaviors and the mind movies. SAH is doing all his work and is not pushing. Just can't get back into that yet. And that's ok, healing is on my time now.


Me: BS 56
He: SAFWH 56
Married 34 years
SA behavior + 2 affairs. I was clueless.
Future uncertain.

Posts: 69 | Registered: Dec 2013 | From: Vancouver, BC
Quakingaspen
♀ Member
Member # 41153
Default  Posted: 8:13 PM, June 3rd (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks scaredy and sadone. I have just gotten to a coping point where I am experiencing all the emotions and not just numbly getting through each day. I kind of wish I could go back, the emotional roller coaster is exhausting.

Taking care of myself, went to a movie and had a long nap. I've got to move on and make some big changes for me and the kids this month. I've been dragging my feet hoping that he'd pull it together by now.

lifeshattered, that has been one of the most difficult questions for me to face. Part of what has been so hard about our marriage for the last several years is that I need physical touch, it's my main love language. And is was the one thing he couldn't seem to do anymore. It's been 7 years since he kissed me.

kayaker, thank you for the reminder that healing is on your time.


I've seen enough.

WS-SA/NPD
D-Day: Too many in 17 years of marriage. LAST time 10/17/2013.


Posts: 122 | Registered: Oct 2013 | From: A little bit closer to Reality
scaredyKat
♀ Member
Member # 25560
Default  Posted: 9:18 PM, June 3rd (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Kayaker, Life...I can, unfortunately, relate to the sexless marriage. It is all too common in SA marriages. Reviving a sex life is a challenge I haven't been able to figure out. There are programs and therapies. And books. It hasn't worked for us, mostly because I have shut down. He rejected me viciously, even after his sobriety started and his recovery began. While he is completely contrite and regretful about his words, the humiliation was just too much for me to deal with. I recognize that his words were the result of his insecurity and selfishness, for too long I accepted "less than," accepted his poor behavior at my expense. No more. Others have successfully reintegrated sex into their marriage. It requires much trust on the part of the BS and has been the subject of many threads here on SI. If you figure it out, let me know!


Me-BS-60
HIM-SAFWH-63
Damn autocorrect is responsible for the silly errors, sorry!

Posts: 3692 | Registered: Sep 2009 | From: In my head
outtanowhere
♀ Member
Member # 39001
Default  Posted: 10:37 PM, June 3rd (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm so proud of all of you! Would anyone here ever have guessed that they had this kind of strength? I have always felt that I wasn't necessarily strong but, more *stubbon*, as I read this thread it's almost like watching the cavalry mount up. All the forces coming together to turn evil to good. Simply classic stuff coming from some of the most classy women I've never really met.

Knowing how much I have waffled in the past you may take this with a grain of salt but, I think I'm done. Everybody says you will know it when it happens and, I'm pretty sure I know that this is not something I can live with and, at this point, I think I'd rather live alone than to remain here. I asked H last night what his favorite memory of us is. "Ah..we have SO many wonderful memories" Ok, which one then?....nothing. I can't even get upset because for the life of me I can't remember the last time I felt truly in love with him. It's been years and, now so much water under the bridge.

Haven't let the cat out of the bag yet tho. I have a few details to get in order before we have that talk. I feel like for me there's no coming back from this and it kills me a little more everyday when I think of what we are going to tell our children. What a effin way to end a marriage that used to have hope and potential. Back before the whores stormed in and left all the carnage behind.

Prayers would be so very appreciated!


BS - 58
SAWH - 61 multiple encounters with prostitutes and other sex workers
Married 38 years
Dday - 2/19/13 - found the emails
He promised me Heaven then put me thru hell

Posts: 762 | Registered: Apr 2013
whatgives
♀ Member
Member # 43395
Default  Posted: 11:14 PM, June 3rd (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi Everyone - I have been reading for days and absorbing the amount of pain, patience, and self control everyone has to go through. It's certainly my story and all of yours, although they may be different in nature.

I started S-Anon. Had my second meeting tonight. was so down this week I wasn't even sure I would go. So glad I did. The inspiration you can get from people and the positive you can get is priceless. I have also started therapy with a Registered Sex Addiction Therapist. It's the same one I put my ex onto. We are seeing him separately but I'm wondering if anyone has any thoughts on that.

I went for STD checking last week and the clinic said they wouldn't call unless they found something. Well they called today. I threw up. I went in and it was Bacterial vaginosis. He said it could be something off on it's own but I don't have all the other results in yet. Anyone experience this with and STD as I have heard there is a connection although you can get it without an STD being present. The lab didn't do my testing on my urine so I have to do that again tomorrow. So stressful once let alone twice. WTH!

I continue to detach. I have to at this point. The lies still mount. He is in treatment and I'm glad but I can't get past the lies and the amount of deception at this point. I have cried so many tears, had so many breakdowns. I have managed to keep it between my sister and my best friend which I'm glad about as the days go by. The less people that know the better at this point.

I hope you all find some peace, strength and forgiveness for those who have hurt you. I'm still working on that one and it's a biggie but oh so necessary :-).


Posts: 51 | Registered: May 2014 | From: Toronto
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