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I Can Relate     Print Topic    
User Topic: Spouses/Partners of Sex Addicts-13
kayaker55
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Member # 41617
Default  Posted: 8:40 PM, May 31st (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I will chime in on the "how could they do this".
This is how my H explains it now after seeing the devastation, tons of IC and dealing with his shit in the hopes of not loosing me.
I am using his terms and describing it without input from reality.
It was duplicity. 2 lives. Compartmentalization.
Affairs and SA were ego driven, escape,narcissism and entitlement. He could take what he wanted. I didn't factor into the equation anywhere. What I didn't know wouldn't hurt me.
His life with me was family(children), the base for morality, and stability. He loved me and met my needs.
The 2 lives would never meet.
KABOOM
So how could the man that loved me do this to me?
That's how.


Me: BS 56
He: SAFWH 56
Married 34 years
SA behavior + 2 affairs. I was clueless.
Future uncertain.

Posts: 66 | Registered: Dec 2013 | From: Vancouver, BC
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Default  Posted: 8:52 PM, May 31st (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It was duplicity. 2 lives. Compartmentalization.
You see that's my name, right? I was up on the shelf in a little box that didn't matter at all. I like to say mine was living a triple life, because he also had a girlfriend and he didn't want her to know about the prostitutes! That was a wtf moment for me when he said that.

Posts: 1266 | Registered: Aug 2010
kayaker55
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Member # 41617
Default  Posted: 9:01 PM, May 31st (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

3 lives!! Busy boy!!!
My H told both affair partners about the prostitutes. They didn't care. They were obviously far more progressive than I.
Sheesh eh?


Me: BS 56
He: SAFWH 56
Married 34 years
SA behavior + 2 affairs. I was clueless.
Future uncertain.

Posts: 66 | Registered: Dec 2013 | From: Vancouver, BC
sadone29
♀ Member
Member # 38597
Default  Posted: 9:21 PM, May 31st (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Yeah, I'm 91 days sober...that's enough for now. There's no way I'm ready to give up caffeine!

I haven't been to a real life meeting. I'm still too scared. But I've been doing online meetings and working with an online temporary sponsor.

H talks about how he sees lust as a separate entity from the real him. He is now aware that he is in an inner war.


DDay Feb. 28, 2013
"I am pretty sure enforcing the boundary is the most important part of the boundary"- Jerry Seinfeld

Posts: 752 | Registered: Mar 2013
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Default  Posted: 9:58 PM, May 31st (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm still too scared. But I've been doing online meetings and working with an online temporary sponsor.
Sadone, I went to online meetings before in-real-life ones. It helped a lot for me to know the format. The first meeting I went to, I was told I didn't have to share or read any of the pass-around passages. I think I passed on speaking during that meeting. I know another Al-Anon-er who has gone to meetings about as long as I have....she says she didn't speak for the first six months, just sat and cried and listened. She also tells newcomers that she was so afraid to come inside that she did a drive-by her first time. Just rode through the parking lot and left. It is hard to come in, but if feels oh-so-good when you do connect. There's such acceptance and understanding of others' pain.

When my X scared himself drunk driving, he came to me and said he was ready to go to AA, and asked that I go with him to support him the first time. I did go, and when we showed up there were two meetings, one open and one closed. We'd walked into the closed one, which was for alcoholics only, so we left to go next door to the open meeting (open to visitors). As the meeting started, four women who had been in the closed meeting came in to ours. It turned out all four of them came to support me, as they thought I was an alcoholic coming for the first time. I was so touched by this! They chatted with me later after the meeting, too, even though they found out I was just a spouse.

People are very supportive. I like the camaraderie.


Posts: 1266 | Registered: Aug 2010
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Default  Posted: 10:02 PM, May 31st (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

3 lives!! Busy boy!!!
My H told both affair partners about the prostitutes. They didn't care. They were obviously far more progressive than I.
Yes, he was very busy. Very dedicated. Good thing for him I was keeping all the family stuff done (codependently).

And the AP's didn't care about the prostitutes? Maybe they used protection? My X didn't.


Posts: 1266 | Registered: Aug 2010
kayaker55
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Member # 41617
Default  Posted: 10:13 PM, May 31st (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Really Comp? No glove with prozzies? That is disturbing!!!
Since you asked, H always used glove with prozzies but went bare back with both affair partners. So once he came back to me, and was still in affair but lying, I the wife was insisting on a glove while SHE, affair gal was going au naturel. How screwed up is that!!!
Congrats on the 91 Sad.


Me: BS 56
He: SAFWH 56
Married 34 years
SA behavior + 2 affairs. I was clueless.
Future uncertain.

Posts: 66 | Registered: Dec 2013 | From: Vancouver, BC
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Default  Posted: 11:07 PM, May 31st (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Really Comp? No glove with prozzies? That is disturbing!!!
I personally think it's insane. But that's just me.

Posts: 1266 | Registered: Aug 2010
phoenix2015
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Member # 42039
Default  Posted: 11:10 PM, May 31st (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Just catching up on the last few days of posts and so happy to see the comments about attending the alanon mtgs. My IC recommended I start attending even though I already go to COSA mtgs. I have been reluctant to go as I did not see how this would benefit me. So after reading your posts and reading "A House Interrupted", I guess I will give it a try.
BTW, the book was great, it was recommended by one of you recently.....so thanks again to SI for all the support.
School is out soon ( 5 days...yeah), so I will have more time on my hands, maybe all these mtgs will help me focus on ME! I was hoping WH would have his detailed timeline done now so I could use this summer to process everything. Apparently, the reality is I may never see it. Again all your posts confirm that my husband is "normal", moving at a snails pace to work his recovery. I use the term "work" very loosely.
Sending hugs and prayers out to all


Me: BS, 43 yrs
Him: WH, 45 yrs
Married 23 yrs
4 daughters, 7-18 yrs
D-day:9/10/13
4 week EA
Porn addiction 15 yrs

Your character is what you do when you think no one is watching.


Posts: 77 | Registered: Jan 2014
kayaker55
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Member # 41617
Default  Posted: 11:38 PM, May 31st (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

So this could be 3 of us trying out Alanon this week.
Good advice from good folk.


Me: BS 56
He: SAFWH 56
Married 34 years
SA behavior + 2 affairs. I was clueless.
Future uncertain.

Posts: 66 | Registered: Dec 2013 | From: Vancouver, BC
scaredyKat
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Member # 25560
Default  Posted: 11:50 PM, May 31st (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Each time I try to post my words disappear. I'm out of town, at a family wedding, on a hotel server. Gremlins, I suppose.
Weddings trigger me. All those nice words, trust, devotion, faithful. Cynical me, says yeah, sure.

I have good news. DS#1 alcoholic in recovery, unemployed while he worked his recovery, did two 16 week sessions of intensive outpatient work and lived off his savings is gainfully employed!!! Yay! He will go back to nursing, that wasnt always certain, he was second guessing himself due to the high stress level, but the new job is not as bad as hospital nursing, the downside is not as much patient contact,more administration, but I think he will enjoy the science and the case management.

The BAD news....my baby, DS#2 leaves for Dallas tomorrow. We live on the east coast. He has a great opportunity to install a machine that treats cancer in a medical center there. He will be one of the head physicist/engineers overseeing this installation. Bit it's so damn far away! I'm getting very sad just thinking about it. We will talk and text a lot, and it isn't as though we see much of him now, he lives about 75 minutes away. It is just the idea of it. To make it WORSE, he travels on a motorcycle, meandering west, followed by a friend driving his car...

Sad day tomorrow, I'm going to need hugs. Ironically, THIS was the kid who always planned on going to the nearest college to our home (he didn't) and planned to buy the house next to ours. It was the other kid whose plan it was to move far far away, and who is currently residing WITH us.

Life is what happens when you are making other plans..McLuhan?

[This message edited by scaredyKat at 11:52 PM, May 31st (Saturday)]


Me-BS-60
HIM-SAFWH-63
Damn autocorrect is responsible for the silly errors, sorry!

Posts: 3583 | Registered: Sep 2009 | From: In my head
scaredyKat
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Member # 25560
Default  Posted: 11:57 PM, May 31st (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Ooops!
Life is what happens while you are busy making other plans. John Lennon


Me-BS-60
HIM-SAFWH-63
Damn autocorrect is responsible for the silly errors, sorry!

Posts: 3583 | Registered: Sep 2009 | From: In my head
scaredyKat
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Member # 25560
Default  Posted: 12:20 AM, June 1st (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

One more post. Some SI person posted it awhile ago. I saved it in my email drafts and thought it might help some of you crystalize the way you are feeling with SAWHs in early recovery and you feeling lost and alone.


"Living with sex addiction is like living on bluff surrounded by cliffs. We are tethered together. If you wander toward the edge it starts tugging me out of the safety zone in the middle. But what happened was, you got too close to the edge, you slipped and you fell. Your group and your counselor caught you so you didn't hit the jagged rocks below. But I was YANKED VIOLENTLY over the edge and I crashed on the rocks at the bottom. You're safe, you've been pulled back up onto the bluff. I'm hanging at the bottom of the tether and when you do dumb shit you drag me through the rocks again adding further injury. No one caught me, no one is trying to pull me back up. I'm desperately trying to climb but there are no hand or toe holds. I'm clawing at the sheer face of this cliff until my fingers bleed. It's hopeless, there's nothing for me to grab onto because I didn't do this to myself. MY recovery didn't fail, yours did. The only person who can pull me to safety is YOU. I'm tied to you and you fucking pushed me off a cliff. YOU have to fix this. You have to pull me back up to safety. If you don't, my only hope is to cut the tether and find my way out at the bottom."

Please allow us here to pull you up and cushion your fall as much as we can.

*******((((((((spouses))))))))))********


Me-BS-60
HIM-SAFWH-63
Damn autocorrect is responsible for the silly errors, sorry!

Posts: 3583 | Registered: Sep 2009 | From: In my head
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Default  Posted: 7:15 AM, June 1st (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

when you do dumb shit you drag me through the rocks again adding further injury. No one caught me, no one is trying to pull me back up.
This is a great analogy! It's such a painful thing and there's so little we can do to help the situation.

I wonder if some of the reason Al-Anon works for me is that there are people there who've really been working on themselves for a long time. The history of the old-timers in meetings is valuable. I found my S-Anon experiences to be mostly new people bleeding among the rocks.

Remember that in Al-Anon people won't tell you what to do; we just share our own experiences in case something we did could help others. Whenever we have a newcomer to a meeting someone generally points out that we won't tell them what to do (fix their problem). Last month after a newcomer spoke of his situation he said, "I was hoping you'd tell me what to do" and grinned. It's a slow, gentle process, but a very loving and supportive one.


Posts: 1266 | Registered: Aug 2010
Sparkle0504
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Member # 40379
Default  Posted: 10:23 AM, June 1st (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

No, I'm not expecting Al-anon to be a magic bullet, more a case of hoping others' methods of coping will rub off on me. Going with a very open mind...

[This message edited by Sparkle0504 at 10:23 AM, June 1st (Sunday)]


Me 44 (BS) Him 52 (SAWH)
DDay (too many to mention), but 1st 06/2011

The truth hurts, but nowhere near as much as the lies
"Sounds harsh, but she's my wife and I'm supposed to be there when she's having sex" Sal1995


Posts: 209 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: England
fyrebird
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Member # 43093
Default  Posted: 1:31 PM, June 1st (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You see that's my name, right? I was up on the shelf in a little box that didn't matter at all.

My safwh describes this box as protection for me, so I wouldn't be tainted by his other self. I was what was good and pure and he was dirty and sick. He needed me to remain 'good' as his lifeline.

Another way to look at being in the box on the shelf is that you mattered very much, so much that he couldn't let you see his true self.


Posts: 31 | Registered: Apr 2014 | From: United States
Sparkle0504
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Member # 40379
Default  Posted: 2:01 PM, June 1st (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

That's the approach my H takes Fyrebird. Only trouble is, I don't cope well with being kept in a box and keep busting out

...and then I run around ripping open all the 100's of other boxes.

Consequently, I'm tired, very tired. I'm not his mother, keeper, etc, etc. We're in make or break mode. I'm his wife and only human.


Me 44 (BS) Him 52 (SAWH)
DDay (too many to mention), but 1st 06/2011

The truth hurts, but nowhere near as much as the lies
"Sounds harsh, but she's my wife and I'm supposed to be there when she's having sex" Sal1995


Posts: 209 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: England
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Default  Posted: 3:02 PM, June 1st (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

fyrebird,
My safwh describes this box as protection for me, so I wouldn't be tainted by his other self. I was what was good and pure and he was dirty and sick. He needed me to remain 'good' as his lifeline.

Another way to look at being in the box on the shelf is that you mattered very much, so much that he couldn't let you see his true self.

I wish that more of this was true in my marriage, but judging by his actions, my X mostly didn't want to part with any of his money and that's why I was kept in the dark. I hope that there's a bit of truth to it, as it touched me and made me tear up to read this. I did care for this man very deeply, and he is a human being. I wish him no harm (just wish he'd stop bothering me and my children), and pray that one day he can hear the message of recovery that someone will attempt to offer.

Thank you for this.


Posts: 1266 | Registered: Aug 2010
cds22
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Member # 39083
Default  Posted: 9:11 PM, June 1st (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

State of emergency here, child safety issue, need advice from everyone here on what to do, mental health avenues, etc.

DH has been very anxious recently with our in house separate bedrooms/conflicts and he has longstanding executive function issues, mostly at home (he seems to hold it together at work and coordinates alot there).

He left our newborn baby in an extremely crowded amusement park alone in a stroller for 15 minutes because he forgot she existed, literally. I took the older kids on the merry go round for a couple of rides leaving H with the baby and also he needed to get us some additional tokens. When I got off there were a ring of security guards around my stroller. They didn't want to give the baby back to me and were asking why I had left her and telling me I had to prove she was mine. I kept on saying I hadn't left her, she was with my H! S left there for over 15 minutes. We had to give our licenses and they still didn't want to release her. Finally I found a picture of her on my iphone in the same outfit. It was one of the most awful experiences and we are lucky we weren't reported for child neglect or even arrested.

H is very upset, shocked and can't understand how he just forgot about her. He went to go get the tickets without her and then was videotaping the older kids on the other side of the merry go around.

What do I do? I am out of my league here. There is something wrong with the way his brain is processing. He is not a substance user, not even one beer that afternoon. He may have ADD or some executive function issues -- we have had longstanding conflicts related to huge mistakes he has made whenever he has to multitask.

Is there a professional I direct him to? Do we separate and I demand supervised visitation? At this point, my first priority is to make sure my kids are safe.


Posts: 236 | Registered: Apr 2013
ChoosingHope
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Member # 33606
Default  Posted: 9:53 PM, June 1st (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

cds

I don't usually post here anymore, but I am waiting for the judge to rule on MY child custody battle. I am divorcing a SA/NPD/possible sociopath. So your post really resonated with me.

The child custody eval testing revealed a lot of problems with my H's decision-making. Things I would have never guessed, given his high-profile jobs in the past. But once I read them, they made perfect sense. They explained a lot.

Without starting a debate on SA here, I just want to say that your H is not just dealing with SA. It sounds to me like he's dealing with multiple problems, and ADHD would also only be part of the issue.

If he's contrite enough to listen to you, he needs to see a psychiatrist. Someone who can really evaluate and diagnose him and hopefully get him on some meds. That's what I would do.

If you can get him to go and get evaluated, perhaps you can use it AS NECESSARY to work out appropriate childcare scenarios.

If not a psychiatrist, then definitely a psychologist - the most important thing I think you can do is get him evaluated. For his sake, your sake, and especially your children's sakes. The next thing he could do is forget to turn off a burner and blow up your house. Or something like that.

Also, he can not be alone with your children, obviously. I'm really torn about the fact that the police and CPS weren't called. Of course my heart goes out to you, and I can relate, and I don't want you to get into trouble, BUT it would have started a record, and he would be forced to be evaluated!

My only other thought is that you should document this. Send an email to your lawyer, or best friend, and detail everything you can remember. Keep it safe in several places.

(((((HUGS)))))


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