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User Topic: Spouses/Partners of Sex Addicts-13
kayaker55
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Member # 41617
Default  Posted: 2:21 PM, May 30th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hey Only
I am unfamiliar with addiction programs. Never had addiction touch my life before or know anyone who's gone through a program. Rather surprising to me now I know how prevalent addiction is! I don't think I'd be comfortable bringing this SA stuff up in Alanon. My IC specializes in SA so I am able to open up there and following this site has taken away some of the isolation. I am reading Mending a Shattered Heart and find it empowering. Realized that I needed to step away from 3 years of insanity to stabilize and heal.
H's CSAT has not suggested he attend any groups yet that others here talk about. Not sure why but he is certified so must know what he is doing.
Thanks for the reply.


Me: BS 56
He: SAFWH 56
Married 34 years
SA behavior + 2 affairs. I was clueless.
Future uncertain.

Posts: 71 | Registered: Dec 2013 | From: Vancouver, BC
kayaker55
♀ Member
Member # 41617
Default  Posted: 2:29 PM, May 30th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hey SC
12 steps??? They must be pretty GIANT steps to get someone through this shit!!!
OK,I will Google this Alanon program and see what it's about.


Me: BS 56
He: SAFWH 56
Married 34 years
SA behavior + 2 affairs. I was clueless.
Future uncertain.

Posts: 71 | Registered: Dec 2013 | From: Vancouver, BC
scaredyKat
♀ Member
Member # 25560
Default  Posted: 7:13 PM, May 30th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Well, IMHO, unless he is attending a peer to peer 12 step program, long term sobriety is difficult to maintain. I don't know of any CSAT that does NOT insist on it. I am not all knowing. I am only speaking from my own experience. I had an alcoholic mother, have an alcoholic son and am married to an SA. I am a believer. There is a saying at the end of 12 steps meetings, "it works when you work it." I forgot to mention my heroin addicted brother, with 17 years of sobriety, a devoted NA member.

While I don't necessarily think that those of us "Co" or "anon" people need to work the steps in the same way addicts do, the lessons that 12 steps teach are well thought out and allow one to lead healthier lives. With or without the addict. You do NOT have to bring up the SA. Just let them teach you some of the lessons on detaching with love. The first meeting may be somewhat confusing but the steps, the slogans and the principals are very helpful to navigate this new reality. I don't know how else one lives with this knowledge without the help of the steps. They are the framework of my new thinking. "Good Orderly Direction."

In addition, my SAFWH's first attendance at his SA meeting, actually I think it was an SAA meeting, there are subtle differences, scared him straight. His continued attendance also reminds him of how far he has come, when he sees newcomers on the verge of losing their families, their jobs and in some cases, their liberty to their addiction.

SA IS A FATAL ADDICTION. Eventually, addicts risk more and more. They engage in more dangerous liaisons, riskier sex acts, etc. I recal the night my SAFWH came home from a meeting and told me of the member, who had been in recovery for several YEARS, but apparently relapsed. He went somewhere and dowsed himself with gasoline and lit a match.

Deadly.

[This message edited by scaredyKat at 7:14 PM, May 30th (Friday)]


Me-BS-60
HIM-SAFWH-63
Damn autocorrect is responsible for the silly errors, sorry!

Posts: 3763 | Registered: Sep 2009 | From: In my head
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Default  Posted: 7:32 PM, May 30th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I don't think I'd be comfortable bringing this SA stuff up in Alanon.
I didn't bring up much about my X's cheating at the beginning. It took years for me to mention that I belonged in another 12-step program (S-Anon), but I still got a lot out of my Al-Anon meetings. They are all different, and you might try several to see if you find one you like. I was in such pain that my CSAT wanted me to go to 90 meetings in 90 days!! So I tried a lot of different 12 step meetings, mostly Al-Anon, but several AA and S-Anon. I learned that I could go to a meeting and come out feeling better and calmer. It helped that there were meetings every day and every where I traveled, as well. This gave me great comfort!

When I was at my worst - most in pain over my X's continued acting out - I would go to an open AA meeting as a visitor, and that really helped me. For me what meetings all came down to was learning how others cope with their chaos and pain, so that I could start to cope with mine.

I'm four years out from DDay #1, and I still go to Al-Anon meetings because I enjoy them so much. I love the introspection.

{{{ Kayaker }}}

P. S. You don't have to talk or share at the meetings if you don't want to. There were many where I just sat and bawled. It seems wild to me that I did that with a group of strangers, but you know what? They get the pain. We all know that pain and there's no judgment, just a hug and a "glad you're here". And "keep coming back". Because of the sex addiction, I couldn't share with my IRL friends in the beginning. It was too horrifying!


Posts: 1322 | Registered: Aug 2010
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Default  Posted: 7:37 PM, May 30th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

SA IS A FATAL ADDICTION. Eventually, addicts risk more and more. They engage in more dangerous liaisons, riskier sex acts, etc. I recal the night my SAFWH came home from a meeting and told me of the member, who had been in recovery for several YEARS, but apparently relapsed. He went somewhere and dowsed himself with gasoline and lit a match.
Scaredy, this is so scary. It's a sad, twisted disease. I feel it's a matter of time until something awful happens with my X. He wouldn't even consider that he had a problem! I suspect his "escalation" has sped up. ICK! I worry for my children, what they might hear in the news or see for themselves. That's another reason I work on my recovery so much - it's all I can do for them.

Posts: 1322 | Registered: Aug 2010
scaredyKat
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Member # 25560
Default  Posted: 7:55 PM, May 30th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

They get the pain. We all know that pain and there's no judgment, just a hug and a "glad you're here". And "keep coming back". Because of the sex addiction, I couldn't share with my IRL friends in the beginning. It was too horrifying!

Amen to this. Just to be somewhere where NO ONE is judging, NO ONE is looking at you like you have four heads, NO ONE is trying to "fix you."

[This message edited by scaredyKat at 7:55 PM, May 30th (Friday)]


Me-BS-60
HIM-SAFWH-63
Damn autocorrect is responsible for the silly errors, sorry!

Posts: 3763 | Registered: Sep 2009 | From: In my head
kayaker55
♀ Member
Member # 41617
Default  Posted: 8:23 PM, May 30th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Wow. All this has me thinking now. Surprising that no IC has talked to me about these programs as they see me struggle. It sounds like most of you have included this into your healing. The isolation of SA has been crippling as you all know.
The Al anon website lists a meeting 2 blocks from my house, that's serendipity, so I will try it out next week.
Now I wonder why H doesn't go to meetings and perhaps it is time for me to ask H about his process. I see him tomorrow.
Thanks all.


Me: BS 56
He: SAFWH 56
Married 34 years
SA behavior + 2 affairs. I was clueless.
Future uncertain.

Posts: 71 | Registered: Dec 2013 | From: Vancouver, BC
Sparkle0504
♀ Member
Member # 40379
Default  Posted: 8:36 AM, May 31st (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Kayaker, it's spurred me to do the same - I live out in the sticks a bit, but find there's an Al-Anon meeting, at a time I can go, only 10 minutes away

My SAWH and I run a shop and often times when I'm posting on SI, I'm sat in our shop, biting back tears (but having to put on a big smiley face). I have a good IC and, the same as yours, she's never mentioned/suggested Al-Anon and I've always assumed there wouldn't be a meeting near me anyway. Today's a little different, after reading the above, I made the decision to go to Al-Anon next week and the relief has left me sitting here with tears streaming down my face. Very embarrassing, but, frankly, I don't care

So let's give it a go, Kayaker - what d'ya say??


Me 44 (BS) Him 52 (SAWH)
DDay (too many to mention), but 1st 06/2011

The truth hurts, but nowhere near as much as the lies
"Sounds harsh, but she's my wife and I'm supposed to be there when she's having sex" Sal1995


Posts: 246 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: England
Sparkle0504
♀ Member
Member # 40379
Default  Posted: 8:38 AM, May 31st (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

And thank you lovely ladies, again, for the info, suggestions, support ((((hugs to all))))


Me 44 (BS) Him 52 (SAWH)
DDay (too many to mention), but 1st 06/2011

The truth hurts, but nowhere near as much as the lies
"Sounds harsh, but she's my wife and I'm supposed to be there when she's having sex" Sal1995


Posts: 246 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: England
scaredyKat
♀ Member
Member # 25560
Default  Posted: 8:50 AM, May 31st (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Remembering the kindness and empathy I was shown when I stepped into those -anon meetings. I am fiercely independent, having had to rely on myself from a very early age, I had only let my SAFWH see Mt vulnerabilities and we know how that turned out. I'm not even CLOSE to healed, but I'm no longer paralyzed and shell shocked. Paying it forward is the best way I can further my growth.

If any of you head towards the Philadelphia, PA region, lunch is on me!


Me-BS-60
HIM-SAFWH-63
Damn autocorrect is responsible for the silly errors, sorry!

Posts: 3763 | Registered: Sep 2009 | From: In my head
kayaker55
♀ Member
Member # 41617
Default  Posted: 10:09 AM, May 31st (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

OK Sparkle, lets see what all the fuss is about. I'm a little scared but will be packin' a bunch of tissues for the inevitable. Mine is Tues, so I may be the first to dip my toe. Hope they serve tea and cookies.


Me: BS 56
He: SAFWH 56
Married 34 years
SA behavior + 2 affairs. I was clueless.
Future uncertain.

Posts: 71 | Registered: Dec 2013 | From: Vancouver, BC
Sparkle0504
♀ Member
Member # 40379
Default  Posted: 10:34 AM, May 31st (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Wednesday for me. Yep, tissues will be standard kit I think.

You know, I still, even knowing all (far too much) I know about SA, keep coming back to the angry question "How the f*ck can anyone do something like this to someone they claim to love [moot point], who loves and cherishes them so much?" Yeah, yeah, I know...

I don't know about cookies, I was thinking of taking a bottle of wine.

Oops...suppose it wouldn't really be appropriate, no?

Oh and that's another thing! I hardly ever drink now - I know if I had more than a couple of glasses, I wouldn't be, how can I put it? 'Constructive'.


Me 44 (BS) Him 52 (SAWH)
DDay (too many to mention), but 1st 06/2011

The truth hurts, but nowhere near as much as the lies
"Sounds harsh, but she's my wife and I'm supposed to be there when she's having sex" Sal1995


Posts: 246 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: England
cds22
♀ Member
Member # 39083
Default  Posted: 11:20 AM, May 31st (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Sorry to be offline and then asking for support but I am having a very.bad.time over here. MC has had some positives but in other ways it has made things worse, gotten my hopes up only to be dashed. H has some passive aggressive tendencies coupled with I am sorry I have to be blunt here some absolutely idiotic ones and he cannot manage to implement alot of what we agree on in therapy. To the point where it feels insulting, hurtful, and like I am banging my head against a wall most the time. At $150 an hour. And when I call him on it (at first relatively nicely per the MC) he gets confrontational, tells minor lies ("I told you X"), and somehow tries to turn it around on me for "yelling at him." He has also been neglectful again.

I have come to the horrible realization after the infidelity I need my husband to be awesome, to have a great marriage to counterbalance that terrible stain . . . and H is subpar. Even with therapy I doubt he is going to be the available, caring partner that I NEED to re-right the marital balance after the cheating/SA/years of neglect.

I am having a hard time figuring out if I should leave. I recently had a baby, our finances are not the greatest right now due to some tax things and also every last thing breaking in our house, and my rather vulnerable son loves our new house, adores his dad, talks all the time about how much he loves being part of our family.

We are trying an in-house separation. The worst part is I am acting like a crazy person, saying horrible things to him including wishing him dead, I came close to hitting him. I didn't know a person could have this much anger. Our anniversary is this week too.


Posts: 236 | Registered: Apr 2013
outtanowhere
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Member # 39001
Default  Posted: 1:18 PM, May 31st (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I always like to think that when someone falls off for a while it must mean things are going well. Eternal optimist! I should also apologize for my absence here. I just have a hard time thinking that I have anything constructive to offer since I haven't had much movement towards healing. cds, I'm sorry to hear things are not where you would like for them to be. I don't have any words of wisdom since I am wearing the same shoes right now.

Just today as I was caching up on the thread, I saw SK's post about how the years of effed up thinking takes a long time to right itself. That's my battle right now as well. I see how hard H is trying and, I feel bad about myself for being impatient. He is trying so hard but, he just doesn't get it and, I am slowly realizing that he has a very limited ability to understand where I am coming from. For 60 years his thinking has been self centered and, I don't know how that can change as significantly as it will have to in order to maintain a relationship. I was pretty low maintenance before but, all that changed on dday. My needs have escalated to a place that I think its unreasonable to even think he can meet them. At this point I honestly can't fault him because, his ability to deal with reality is almost non-existent. So many years spent in fantasy has diminished his ability to deal with reality. The only way that helps me is to lower my expectations so that I'm not constantly disappointed but, I didn't hold him to high expectations before and look where that got me.

Post partum has its own unique set of challenges as hormones are still surging and, we all know that this really wreaks havoc with our emotional state. Add financial stressors on to that and, you have a perfect storm situation. We did in house separation in the immediate aftermath of dday and, it worked to a certain degree. It gave me the space I needed away from him in order to process the situation but, it was still hard to be in the same house. I saw him everyday. I saw his sadness and I actually watched him begin to realize the horror of what he had Done. I have WAY too much empathy for hurting souls and I caved in and let him back into our bedroom earlier than I was ready for.

I've said some pretty awful things to my H too. It felt pretty damn good at the moment but, I always feel bad about it later and I end up doing the apologizing. It's stupid crazy. I have so much resentment that I'm not sure its even possible to get past it. I also felt very neglected for years and, now that I know why it pisses me off royally. It seems that this has all blinded me to any happiness that we may have had before. I truly don't have any wonderful memories to lean on to help me move past this betrayal.

I know my post is not very helpful because I don't know the answers. I'm struggling too. I'm 15 months out and honestly haven't had a sense of peace more than a couple of weeks at a time since my discovery. I have felt so strongly about keeping my family together because, its impossible to predict how far reaching the consequences of divorce are and, what the affects will be on the immediate family. Our grandchildren absolutely adore my H. They literally squeal when they see him. I can't imagine having to explain to them one day that gramps doesn't live here anymore but, I have that dialogue with myself on a daily basis.

Please take care of yourself. I know you are a strong woman.


BS - 58
SAWH - 61 multiple encounters with prostitutes and other sex workers
Married 38 years
Dday - 2/19/13 - found the emails
He promised me Heaven then put me thru hell

Posts: 776 | Registered: Apr 2013
sadone29
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Member # 38597
Default  Posted: 1:42 PM, May 31st (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I don't have much time to write this weekend, just wanted to give hugs to all those struggling today!

I am doing step one in A.A today. I resisted and resisted, but I'm slowly starting to see my own disease. I isolated myself even more than H ever did. It seems the universe is bonking me over the head with the 12 steps, and it's not going away, so I'm ready to admit my own powerlessness. I think this will help me to get back into s-anon too.

We've been having a rough few days. I finally got the 'you should be over this, I'm ready to move forward' talk. He didn't say it bluntly, tried to say it nicely, but he did say it. So, I did what he asked. I kept my pain to myself. Built that wall back up. He very quickly realized what he was asking for and made amends.

This gets so tiring some days.

[This message edited by sadone29 at 1:43 PM, May 31st (Saturday)]


DDay Feb. 28, 2013
"I am pretty sure enforcing the boundary is the most important part of the boundary"- Jerry Seinfeld
Can't wait to D, but stuck financially until I find a way out of this SAHM position I'm in.

Posts: 792 | Registered: Mar 2013
scaredyKat
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Member # 25560
Default  Posted: 5:32 PM, May 31st (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My wall is, at least at this point, impregnable. There are times that I want to create a window, reach out, but I stop myself, remembering the abuse, and I don't. I do physically reach put to hug him, or stroke his hair, etc. but not often, not as much as I should or as he would like. He knows he caused this. It makes him sad.

Working through some of the steps did help me. But I had no sponsor to bounce things off. That's a real problem, it works better with a sponsor/sponsee relationship.

Do it anyway even if you don't have a sponsor.


Me-BS-60
HIM-SAFWH-63
Damn autocorrect is responsible for the silly errors, sorry!

Posts: 3763 | Registered: Sep 2009 | From: In my head
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Default  Posted: 6:09 PM, May 31st (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm a little scared but will be packin' a bunch of tissues for the inevitable. Mine is Tues, so I may be the first to dip my toe. Hope they serve tea and cookies.
Tissues are standard at every Al-Anon meeting I've ever been to! For a long time at my regular meeting, they'd set up the table and just toss the box over to my seat. I eventually decided I should be the one to replenish the supply.

We have tea and coffee at our meeting, but now that I think about it, most don't. The AA meetings have coffee, for sure!


Posts: 1322 | Registered: Aug 2010
kayaker55
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Member # 41617
Default  Posted: 7:45 PM, May 31st (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Not a coffee drinker me. I like a nice cuppa char.(Sparkle, you know what that is being a Brit)!
We'll see how I manage with a few tissues at my first meeting. Then I will gage if I need to do a Costco replenish for the next Compart.
It sounds like we all need a hug this weekend.
((()))


Me: BS 56
He: SAFWH 56
Married 34 years
SA behavior + 2 affairs. I was clueless.
Future uncertain.

Posts: 71 | Registered: Dec 2013 | From: Vancouver, BC
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Default  Posted: 7:53 PM, May 31st (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You know, I still, even knowing all (far too much) I know about SA, keep coming back to the angry question "How the f*ck can anyone do something like this to someone they claim to love [moot point], who loves and cherishes so much?" Yeah, yeah, I know...
I still am floored by this at times. My guess is it's a slippery slope they start down, and they just keep going. It's a horrible sickness. I'm really not sure I will ever wrap my mind around it, you know?

Posts: 1322 | Registered: Aug 2010
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Default  Posted: 7:59 PM, May 31st (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

cds22 and outta, come here any time. There's always someone here to listen. {{{ hugs }}} I know I got very snippy with my X when we were in false reconciliation. My kids only saw that, and didn't know what he'd done, so their perceptions of what was going on were really messed up. It's so hard!! Take it easy on yourselves.

Posts: 1322 | Registered: Aug 2010
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