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I Can Relate Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: Spouses/Partners of Sex Addicts-13
scaredyKat
♀ Member
Member # 25560
Default  Posted: 8:59 PM, May 21st (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Duplicate post

[This message edited by scaredyKat at 9:01 PM, May 21st (Wednesday)]


Me-BS-60-Can't tell you how painful it was to change this number!
HIM-SAFWH-63
Damn autocorrect is responsible for the silly errors, sorry!

Posts: 3258 | Registered: Sep 2009 | From: In my head
phoenix2015
♀ Member
Member # 42039
Default  Posted: 9:32 PM, May 21st (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks ladies,
It always helps to get another's perspective. I can look for the posting, it is always helpful to look through past potsts. I am sure I will post here again as there is so much to work through.


Me: BS, 43 yrs
Him: WH, 45 yrs
Married 23 yrs
4 daughters, 7-18 yrs
D-day:9/10/13
4 week EA
Porn addiction 15 yrs

Your character is what you do when you think no one is watching.


Posts: 74 | Registered: Jan 2014
QuietNoMore
♀ New Member
Member # 43410
Default  Posted: 8:39 AM, May 22nd (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Have any of you had your WH diagnosed with Madonna - Whore Complex? MY therapist, after further discussion yesterday says this is possibly what we are looking at. He is split between his "good side" and his "bad side", and in his eyes, I am the Madonna (like his mother). All of us have good and bad traits, but for most of us, the two sides of the personality are integrated and we function as a whole person, making decisions to curb the bad and reinforce the good. But in a split or partial split, the good personality is not there to temper the bad. THIS makes total sense.

All I see is the good side - the wonderful kind caring generous sweet romantic - which is why this is such a shock.

[This message edited by QuietNoMore at 9:43 AM, May 22nd (Thursday)]


BW: 49
SA-WH: 45
Married 4 years.
DDay: May 4, 2014

Sometimes life throws shit instead of flowers.


Posts: 28 | Registered: May 2014
whatgives
♀ Member
Member # 43395
Default  Posted: 11:24 AM, May 22nd (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Quiet - I have no doubt that therapy will bring out a lot of what is going on with your husband and the deep routed issues. I have heard of The "Madonna Whore" Complex on here somewhere so I'm sure you will get responses. I'm glad he's embracing therapy and I look forward to your updates. I have no doubt that you will take nothing less than his full commitment to this for his sake and yours.


Posts: 51 | Registered: May 2014 | From: Toronto
whatgives
♀ Member
Member # 43395
Default  Posted: 11:36 AM, May 22nd (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I talked to my boyfriend last night for the first time with out hostility. It was the first time I have been able to do so since all this blew up and he left.

He has attended his first SA session and says he's serious about getting better. He says he is also seeking therapy which is a good sign for him. It's the first time we really had an honest conversation about his sickness. He knows what he has to do and his remorseful about what he had done to me and our family. I just hope he follows through. I did tell him that I have witnessed first hand the love and kindness that he has, and the goodness inside. That's why this is so hard. He was my rock. I have also witnessed the "Demon".

I know that I can't do this for him. I have decided this is something he has to start on his own and find his path. It doesn't mean I don't Love him but I just can't go there right now. I feel if he is really serious he will do it for himself. Like so many of us on here we have all heard it before. I have read, wept and decided as much as I want this to be true, too many lies have tainted my belief in him and this sickness makes them lie so easily to get what they want. It's now his turn to get better and prove otherwise to me. In the meantime, I have to focus on me. I am the one that is broken right now and finding it hard as well. I think everything has caught up. So much has happened in a short time. I think I have hit the wall. Now I need rest. My body and soul are in dire need of attention.


Posts: 51 | Registered: May 2014 | From: Toronto
QuietNoMore
♀ New Member
Member # 43410
Default  Posted: 5:21 PM, May 22nd (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

((what gives)) sending you strength and healing. I am too broken right now. I can't face my pain yet. Being ab;e to cry helps the healing. I envy you.


BW: 49
SA-WH: 45
Married 4 years.
DDay: May 4, 2014

Sometimes life throws shit instead of flowers.


Posts: 28 | Registered: May 2014
fyrebird
♀ New Member
Member # 43093
Default  Posted: 7:09 PM, May 22nd (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I am the one that has a SAFWH that has a few females in his meeting group. Tonight is the first meeting after he woman contacted my safwh for the 'rules of the game'. I, personally do ht have an issue with women in his group(s), That being said, he never ha an encounter with a person he had any kind of relationship with.... it was always nameless/faceless encounters.

He, himself is fine with women in the meetings, but admits is can be very uncomfortable for these women because of the derogatory relationships they place themselves in ('duh! weren't you doing the same... hello!!!) I wouldn't worry about women per se, but I would be vigilant about any emotional attachments... women can see help/kindness as something to latch onto.


Posts: 31 | Registered: Apr 2014 | From: United States
whatgives
♀ Member
Member # 43395
Default  Posted: 10:05 PM, May 22nd (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I hear ya firebird - and if you are not comfortable with this it's time to look for other meetings if available. I mean let's face it, The last thing a supportive spouse needs is more suspicion or worry. People can have all the opinions they want but if this is an issue for you, then it counts and should be taken care of without even questioning yourself.

You are doing enough right now just being supportive and handling your own emotions, take that off the table "IF" you can.


Posts: 51 | Registered: May 2014 | From: Toronto
sadone29
♀ Member
Member # 38597
Default  Posted: 8:36 AM, May 23rd (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

There are a few women in H's SA group. It definitely made me nervous at first, but now I'm okay with it. Of course, if he wasn't taking his recovery seriously, I probably wouldn't be so blaze about it now. They also impose strict boundaries and the women have stuck together. I've never known H to call or be called by any of the female SAs.

It's interesting to read about those of you who had spouses who were giving even when acting out. H was so distant and selfish that the way he is now in recovery is shocking to me. It makes me sad to see how much I put up with over the years.

But, I find that it's helping me with my fears going forward. I'm starting to trust myself again. I know what the red flags are now and I will no longer ignore them. And I've realized that living in fear just isn't worth it. My health has been taking a hit, and it's been a wake up call that I wasn't on the right path.


"I move slow and steady, but I feel like a waterfall."

Posts: 609 | Registered: Mar 2013
soconfusednow
♀ Member
Member # 40078
Default  Posted: 8:54 AM, May 23rd (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks outtanowhere I appreciate the insight you shared and the responses to your post. It was helpful to read.

Hearing about the good/bad sides of the SA, makes me realize why so many of us, myself included, stay instead of leaving.

I so love and desire to be with the good side and am hopeful, that the help we are getting from SA & S-Anon will turn the string that holds us together into a rope making us stronger.


D-Day January 2013
prior EA in the 90's
me 50
WH 52
NC-several
last broken NC 7/2013 (hopefully)
Married 29 years
2 kids
Want to believe it's over, but is it really? Will I ever trust again?

Posts: 306 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: USA
OnlyDo
♀ Member
Member # 41991
Default  Posted: 9:34 PM, May 23rd (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

So, I've decided to go low contact. I've let go of the hope of ever trusting him again. I've let go of the idea of possible reconciliation. The combination of more revelations and more lying has done me in. I just don't see the good in him anymore.

So, why am I struggling to not text him? I know he's done unforgivable things. I know he still hasn't shown true remorse. I hear the shadows of blame shifting, justification and minimizing every time he talks to me about anything important. He's still more interested in preserving his false front than he is in real intimacy.

Argh, I know this is the right thing to do. He's not fighting me on it, probably the most selfless thing he's done in years. How do I harden my heart the way I need to? Sorry, this is just a kind of venting I guess. My heart and mind are at war and it's getting very loud in here.


me BW 55
him SAWH 39
19 yrs, 2 kids
Multiple D days Sep 2011 - Jan 2014
EA's, PA, Craigslist, Backpages, strip clubs, lap dances, camgirls, "massages", prostitutes
Separated, heading towards divorce

Posts: 54 | Registered: Jan 2014
whatgives
♀ Member
Member # 43395
Default  Posted: 10:14 PM, May 23rd (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Only - It's a good move considering everything you have been saying you are going through. Time to start healing you.

I do totally understand about the heart being at war with the mind. It's the most difficult thing and one I think we will struggle with for a while. It's not easy to distance yourself from Love even though they have hurt you at times it seems beyond repair.

My thought is that we want some control over that behaviour. Sometimes we think by texting or calling it will make a difference in the big scheme of things. But at the end of the day it just adds more fuel to the fire because we never get the answers that calm our soul. We wonder what they are doing when they are not with us..... which if you let it can start to drive you crazy. Not a good place to be and we have all been there. I'm there RIGHT now but if he was here it would be now better.

We miss them Only, We Love them. But only they can change and if they make the right changes then things can start to happen. Not everyone can get through this living together. I personally, can't see how everyone has done it so it's a personal choice that works for some on here and for others they stay and just get more of the same crap.

Follow your gut and take care of you right now. This has taken a lot out of you and you need to heal.


Posts: 51 | Registered: May 2014 | From: Toronto
whatgives
♀ Member
Member # 43395
Default  Posted: 12:36 AM, May 25th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Well, here's my story. I wasn't going to post then thought writing may help me find some peace. Had our step sons Bday party today. All went, well. I didn't really speak with him until he came back so his son could open gifts. We got to talking and he did the usual, I've destroyed everything, I hurt everyone I love, I'm selfish and I need help . I asked him for his phone record passwords and he gave it to me. I don't think he realized what you can find in there. I wanted transparency from him and I and boy I got it.

Going back from June of last year Hundreds of calls to escort agencies, and those private adds usually about a 1-2 min long. There were a couple of the private that were on there a few times so to me it look like they were setting a date. Thousands of texts to those skanky girls on backpage. Some texts were non stop the whole time he should have been working. WTF!

I read some but picked out Valentines Day 2014. He bought me flowers, I went for a massage and Physio. He texted constantly the whole time I was gone and contacted 6 escort agencies. The texting started up again on his way to work and was non stop until he walked In the door all exhausted from working all night .

So this pretty much in my mind sealed this sick deal I had going on. How F'd up can a person be to need so much stimulation and game playing. And btw, I got no action when he came home that night on Vday because he was so pooped from working . How f'ing cruel is that. Had I known I would have pulled my vibrator down and had my own little party

He is sick on so many levels. The thing is, I don't think he's actually meeting these women as much as he is talking and chatting with them because they are strangers and he can say what he wants. I would always try to push a little dirty talk and he couldn't do it. I guess I was the good girl and he couldn't do that with his good girl.

Then I told him I loved our sex life but not because he was amazing in bed. That threw him for a loop. I told him I now understand why he was selfish in certain areas and I had to finish the job for me. He got a little pissed. Fact is fact. I told him now I get it. He had always been used to paying for it and having it done the way he desired. He never had to satisfy a women. He did what I asked but it didn't come naturally. I'm the first relationship he's had in 20 years. He has never been in love. This I know from his family and friends as well.

He says he's now doing SA and wants to get a therapist. I sure hope he does because this is bad shit and I can't see any good coming from it. I'm feeling better now. Tomorrow my be different but thanks for letting me put it out there. I did send him a nasty text. I'm glad he's not living with me any more or we would be at each other's throats. I hope everyone is having a good weekend and getting a break from all of this shit. Tomorrow is my birthday and I plan on doing something nice for me and my daughter. That's my first step to being good to myself in 2 weeks.


Posts: 51 | Registered: May 2014 | From: Toronto
OnlyDo
♀ Member
Member # 41991
Default  Posted: 12:44 AM, May 25th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks WhatGives. It's been so hard it feels like withdrawals. Now every time a sweet memory occurs to me some horrorshow video of what he's done starts playing over it. It's been almost six months and I still can't believe what's happened, what's still happening. I'm sure everyone here had been through the same thing. When does this shitty merry go round stop? Every time I think I've found some breathing room I start cycling again. I hate him, I know I'll never take him back. Why can't that be an end to it?


me BW 55
him SAWH 39
19 yrs, 2 kids
Multiple D days Sep 2011 - Jan 2014
EA's, PA, Craigslist, Backpages, strip clubs, lap dances, camgirls, "massages", prostitutes
Separated, heading towards divorce

Posts: 54 | Registered: Jan 2014
strengthandhope
♀ Member
Member # 37907
Default  Posted: 3:56 PM, May 25th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hello all. It has been a while since I have posted. It is great (and also sucky) to see so much activity on this thread. Thank you all for sharing. My SAWH has been attending SAA meetings every week for the past two months. He also sees a CSAT. Although I am very sure he is not actinv out for several reasons, I am getting impatient for full disclosure. I realize these things take time and that with SA, the whole truth may never be told.

I recenly dug up his personal checking bank statements. I found several calls to an 800 number the totals of these calls was over $1500. I knew he was into phone sex, but thought it was from CL people. The pay calls stopped about a year and a half ago. Maybe he forgot about doing that. I told him last night that he needs to work with his CSAT on full disclosure. I need to know how my life was a lie. When I brought up "how much mone was spent" he said he spent no money. I told him I knew he was lying and I will not tolerate it anymore. I did not reveal the proof.

I want to see if he can come clean on his own. This may be codependant of me, but I see it more as a guage of what direction my life will go. I have a plan for myself, and deep down I want to stay together, but I have to be sure the lying will stop.

Also I know what one poster means about good memories being tainted by the realization of their sick double life. It hurts and seems never ending.


Me: BS 30s
Him: SAWH, 30s sexting, pic sharing & phone sex with men & women
2 kids, M 8 yrs
DD#1 3/08, DD#2 7/11, DD#3 10/12 DD#4 2/14
OW #1 PA from 6/13-8/13 CL Troll
OW #2 EA from 11/13-2/14 online/phone sex A
Taking R 90 days at a time.

Posts: 161 | Registered: Dec 2012 | From: Mid west
Compartmented
Member
Member # 29410
Default  Posted: 8:06 PM, May 25th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

What is EMDR? I've seen it a few times, but don't know the meaning.
SoConfused, it's Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing. It's done by concentrating on certain memories while the therapist moves two fingers in front of your face (or with headphones alternating sounds in each ear or a set of little hand buzzers). You first identify a safe place so that you can calm down if you get upset. Then you think about how you feel (upset stomach? Tense shoulder?) when something upsets you. You try and think back to when you felt that earlier and concentrate on that while the eye movement thing is going on. The movement stops and you speak of what came up, briefly, and then focus on a part of that memory. For me that's how it worked anyway. I worked my way backwards to childhood events that were traumatizing, that I didn't even know affected me. The reprocessing to me seemed to be me seeing the childhood event again but now with 50 year old eyes, and understanding what went on and how it scared me. I really felt different after the EMDR sessions and found relief from current traumatizing things my X was doing which was lots of Ddays, basically.

It can be intense, but it is such quick relief that I found it worth the effort!! I did a few sessions, each about an hour long within a week of each other. I think I did groups of sessions three or four times. It was a huge help with the pain and PTSD.


Posts: 1204 | Registered: Aug 2010
BeHappyAgain
♀ Member
Member # 41289
Default  Posted: 10:45 PM, May 25th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Have any of you had your WH diagnosed with Madonna - Whore Complex?

Hi Quiet! My SAWH was diagnosed with this. If I can help you in any way please let me know! For me it was a surreal discovery; made this SA "stuff" even more complex.


Posts: 91 | Registered: Nov 2013
whatgives
♀ Member
Member # 43395
Default  Posted: 8:26 AM, May 27th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

OnlyDo - I know what you mean about the great memories and the horror show. I think that's the worst part for me. There were so many good times but they led a double life. I am starting to finally find my out of the ashes. It's hard but not having him here is the best way for me. How are you coping with distancing? I know you were struggling.

It's not hard for me, because mine is afraid to come around and have any kind of questions thrown at him especially after me seeing the phone records . I'm going to my for S-Anon meeting tonight to get some therapy for me. I don't want to go through life with this tainted view on men and relationships whether I get into another one or not at this point. I don't want to drag this with me.

Let me know how you are doing. Feel free to pm me. I'm sending you strength, hope and a little peace


Posts: 51 | Registered: May 2014 | From: Toronto
QuietNoMore
♀ New Member
Member # 43410
Default  Posted: 10:23 AM, May 27th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

BeHappyAgain can you PM please? I don't have enough posts yet to PM you and I don't want to take over the thread with this specific of a situation (but if you PM me first I can then PM you)


BW: 49
SA-WH: 45
Married 4 years.
DDay: May 4, 2014

Sometimes life throws shit instead of flowers.


Posts: 28 | Registered: May 2014
strengthandhope
♀ Member
Member # 37907
Default  Posted: 12:48 PM, May 27th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Questions for some veteran spouses that are still married regarding CSAT sessions.

At what point does the CSAT come up with a "treatment plan"?

Is it common for the CSAT to want to interview/meet with the spouse?

For an SA, is twice a month enough?

Is full disclosure a vital part of SA recovery, or is it determined as a case by case basis?

I welcome any thoughts or shares about CSAT experience. My husband has gone four times now, but it seems the process is slow. I do not see him doing any reading. He does go to SAA once a week, and has not missed at all, but for some reason I get the feeling that more should be done by now. I am fairly certain he is not acting out, and hasn't since Feburary 28. He now works from home and I have monitored his cell phone and computer usage. We are together or with the kids 100% of the time. I am glad he is finally taking his SA seriously, but still feel that he should be more vested in the process and "working the steps" of SAA.


Me: BS 30s
Him: SAWH, 30s sexting, pic sharing & phone sex with men & women
2 kids, M 8 yrs
DD#1 3/08, DD#2 7/11, DD#3 10/12 DD#4 2/14
OW #1 PA from 6/13-8/13 CL Troll
OW #2 EA from 11/13-2/14 online/phone sex A
Taking R 90 days at a time.

Posts: 161 | Registered: Dec 2012 | From: Mid west
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