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Newest Member: ReasonableDoubt (44577)

Divorce/Separation Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: *Now* WH wants to give full disclosure
hurtyetstrong
♀ Member
Member # 38372
Default  Posted: 7:30 PM, May 16th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I've talked on this site before about believing that WH has had PAs, even though he has only admitted to texting, skyping, cyber sex, etc.

I moved out Tuesday and filed paperwork (although he has yet to be served) I think it's finally sunk in to him how serious I am.

After barely talking this week, he sent me an email and called me telling me about all the self-work that has taken place. Apparently he's been praying and reading the Bible and is ready to talk to me about things and be fully honest about everything.

It has been over 3 years since this all started and I have confronted him repeatedly and even left him once before. But NOW he is ready to divulge everything.

I'm feeling a mixture of emotions. I'm looking forward to hearing what he has to say. I want him to confirm the beliefs I already have about what he's been up to. But I'm angry that it came to this. I'm also confused because his actions are not completely indicative of his dedication to reconcile.

He moved $8K from our joint checking account to start a military credit union account. He did not tell me about it ahead of time and only gave me that information after I questioned what he did with the funds. He also has not talked to our children at all, nor sought out how to spend time with them, even though I have communicated that I would have no issues with that.

I'm suffering through feelings of guilt, sadness and second thoughts because I know I'm hurting him. I'm also mourning the life I thought I'd have with him and our family.

*sigh* divorce sucks.


Me: BW (30)
Him: WH (31)
2 DDs - 4yrs & 18mo (as of May 2014)

multiple PAs

Filed for divorce May 16, 2014


Posts: 156 | Registered: Feb 2013
little turtle
♀ Member
Member # 15584
Default  Posted: 8:35 PM, May 16th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

((((hurtyetstrong))))

I'm sure you know it... but remember ACTIONS, not words!

I think I experienced this as well, a time when XH claimed that he was going to tell me everything and make it all better. It didn't work out.

I know I'm hurting him.

He brought this on himself. You need to look out for yourself. and your kids. He can lick his wounds. If he's truly going to fix himself and work things out, he shouldn't care about you hurting him right now.

See what he has to say. Don't mention anything that you know (or think you know).

When and where is this conversation happening? I'd suggest a public place in case you decide you'd like to leave.


Failure is success if we learn from it.

Posts: 4138 | Registered: Aug 2007 | From: michigan
Gemini71
♀ Member
Member # 40115
Default  Posted: 8:55 PM, May 16th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

What do you hope to accomplish with this meeting? Are you hoping he's seen the light and wants to R, or are you just looking to confirm your beliefs? Is there anything he can say that will change your mind? If not, then why put yourself through it?

With my Dipshit STBX, I know that I will never get full disclosure and "know it all." Eventually I "knew enough." Anything after that is just pain shopping.

You are not hurting him. He did this to himself. I'd be tempted to tell him to "tell it to the judge." He's a little late with the disclosure.


Edited to correct stupid typos.

Two steps forward and one step backwards, is still progress.


Posts: 1622 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: Illinois, USA
Softcentre
Member
Member # 39166
Default  Posted: 12:23 AM, May 17th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Don't meet him, ask him for a written timeline, emailed to you. If he's really willing to be open he'll do that. Then you can choose if/when to read it.


Me: BW
Him: STBXWH 'The Arse' likes strong but broken OW
OW - EA - 'Holy Chick'
COW - Suspected EA/PA 'The Ambassador'
COW - Susp EA 'The Baker'
COW - EA/PA 'Fat Bottomed Girl'
COW - Susp EA 'MiniMe'

Posts: 829 | Registered: May 2013 | From: UK
Harriet
♀ Member
Member # 34543
Default  Posted: 12:50 AM, May 17th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

That's a great idea, Softcentre. I wish I'd had my ex write it, since the story changes so much. It could also be useful in the divorce, hurtystrong. ((hugs)) don't feel bad - you are doing the best you can to survive this hell he placed you in.


D-Day Spring 2008
3 years false R
Divorce Final 6/7/12

Posts: 419 | Registered: Jan 2012 | From: California
hurtyetstrong
♀ Member
Member # 38372
Default  Posted: 11:58 AM, May 17th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

What do you hope to accomplish with this meeting? Are you hoping he's seen the light and wants to R, or are you just looking to confirm your beliefs? Is there anything he can say that will change your mind? If not, then why put yourself through it?

I don't plan to change my mind or consider reconciling. I just want confirmation of the lies I knew he was telling. I stayed so long because of second thoughts I had of 'what if he is telling the truth? Would it be worth ending the marriage based on what he's admitted fault for?'

I want validation that my gut was right all along. Because I chose D based on my gut feelings, not necessarily the facts presented before me.

And I guess I know I'm giving him another chance to lie to me. But either way I feel like it will strengthen my resolve to stay the course and silence some of the second thoughts I'm struggling with.


Me: BW (30)
Him: WH (31)
2 DDs - 4yrs & 18mo (as of May 2014)

multiple PAs

Filed for divorce May 16, 2014


Posts: 156 | Registered: Feb 2013
dmari
♀ Member
Member # 37215
Default  Posted: 12:12 PM, May 17th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((((hurtyetstrong))))) Please really think about this. Did he indicate that he would be "fully honest" about affair related issues? I don't want you walking in thinking that and he is actually going to be "honest" about you and the marriage but is actually blame shifting. Did he actually say he wants to reconcile? You are absolutely right ~ his actions do not indicate anything remotely to wanting to reconcile.

If he has been praying, reading the Bible and working on himself ~ that really is good news. Then perhaps your divorce will be less contentious. Even more important, he will be a better coparent and better father to the children.

YOU are not hurting HIM at all. I had those same feelings (I HAD codependent issues ) so I know where you are coming from. Focus on what is best for YOU. You will be ok.


Me (BS): 42 Children: DD 18, DS 15
Settled at mediation
Officially divorced ... SOON!

Posts: 2138 | Registered: Oct 2012
one2ndchance
♀ Member
Member # 14759
Default  Posted: 12:27 PM, May 17th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I moved out Tuesday and filed paperwork (although he has yet to be served) I think it's finally sunk in to him how serious I am.

Yup, this is when all of a sudden they want to be forthcoming. He had THREE years to be honest and now that he sees you are strong and ready to dump him, he's going to come clean. Yeah, right.

He moved $8K from our joint checking account to start a military credit union account. He did not tell me about it ahead of time and only gave me that information after I questioned what he did with the funds.

He does this^^^ and you feel "guilt, sadness and second thoughts"? Seems obvious that he cares about himself and himself only.

I'm also confused because his actions are not completely indicative of his dedication to reconcile.

And we all here know......actions mean EVERYTHING.

You don't need confirmation that he's a liar, but if you want to listen to his "come to Jesus" moment, do so with the understanding that this man is a weak, dishonest and selfish cheater and the reason he wants to talk to you now is to see if he can manipulate you.


Me: BW 59
Him: STBXWH 61
Married: 25 years
DDay1: 2/2002; DDay2: 6/2012
Gave him his second chance and he blew it.
Divorcing

Posts: 479 | Registered: May 2007 | From: California
hurtyetstrong
♀ Member
Member # 38372
Default  Posted: 4:22 PM, May 17th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You don't need confirmation that he's a liar, but if you want to listen to his "come to Jesus" moment, do so with the understanding that this man is a weak, dishonest and selfish cheater and the reason he wants to talk to you now is to see if he can manipulate you.

Thanks for the reminder, which I keep trying to focus on. I'm allowing this meeting to get information I feel I deserve, not to allow him a chance at winning me back. I know a lot of people here have said that knowing more doesn't change everything and we'll never know *everything*. But if he just admits to one of the PAs I suspect he's had it will be worth it to me. Because my gut and my brain have been wrestling with this information so long and he's made me question my sanity because I never had hardcore proof. I feel like I'll walk away saying 'I KNEW it!'


Me: BW (30)
Him: WH (31)
2 DDs - 4yrs & 18mo (as of May 2014)

multiple PAs

Filed for divorce May 16, 2014


Posts: 156 | Registered: Feb 2013
hurtyetstrong
♀ Member
Member # 38372
Default  Posted: 4:27 PM, May 17th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I just sent him this email:


WH,
I have been thinking about our 'meeting' tomorrow and wanted to clarify some things. What exactly is the purpose and what are you hoping to discuss? I see this meeting as a final chance for you to come clean about everything that has happened between you and other women as well as any lies you have told me. Nothing more, nothing less. If you have other intentions, we probably shouldn't meet. But if you do plan on being 100% honest I suggest you write it all out for me and be prepared for questions.

What time do you think you'll be here?
-HYS


Me: BW (30)
Him: WH (31)
2 DDs - 4yrs & 18mo (as of May 2014)

multiple PAs

Filed for divorce May 16, 2014


Posts: 156 | Registered: Feb 2013
norabird
♀ Member
Member # 42092
Default  Posted: 6:02 PM, May 17th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

((((HYS)))))

I'm sorry he has never confirmed your gut. I can understand wanting to know it was right. I hope you know you have nothing to feel guilty about no matter what, though! He made his bed, he can lie in it. You are not the one who made this the only option. And you should not feel bad for proceeding when it is the best thing for you.


Sit. Feast on your life.

Posts: 4019 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: NYC
Topic Posts: 11

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