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User Topic: Betrayed Men Part 20
cvs2kkids
♂ Member
Member # 41298
Default  Posted: 10:26 AM, June 24th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Double post


[This message edited by cvs2kkids at 10:27 AM, June 24th (Tuesday)]


Philippians 4:6-7

6 Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. 7 And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your min


Posts: 219 | Registered: Nov 2013 | From: NB Canada
Razor
♂ Member
Member # 16345
Default  Posted: 10:34 AM, June 24th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I hear of step fathers abusing and even killing kids in the news. Its not a everyday thing but its frequent enough that it was a consideration for me when I was thinking about divorcing my WW.


Forgive and forget = Relive and regret.

Hope in reality is the worst of all evils because it prolongs the torments of man.
Friedrich Nietzsche


Posts: 3483 | Registered: Sep 2007
Sal1995
♂ Member
Member # 39099
Default  Posted: 10:36 AM, June 24th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Of course divorce is damaging to children. But only us faithful husbands worry about things like that. If we can't R, then not only do we have to deal with the betrayal, but also the guilt of breaking up our children's family.

Our unfaithful wives found harm to the children to be no barrier at all to satisfying their selfish desires. I doubt my wife spent 5 minutes thinking about any of us when she was with POSER. If she did, then she probably regarded the thoughts of us as a nuisance, an intrusion into her special time with her man.

[This message edited by Sal1995 at 10:38 AM, June 24th (Tuesday)]


Me (BS)-45, WW-42
DDay 2/17/13, 9-10 month PA/EA
Final NC late Feb. '13
M - 18 years, 4 children
Reconciling

Posts: 1387 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Texas
RyeBread
♂ Member
Member # 37437
Default  Posted: 10:38 AM, June 24th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I think the success of children of divorce in their adult lives has everything to do with how involved the parents are in setting a good example and being involved with those kids after the divorce. Kids model behavior they see in the adults they admire/respect. And unfortunately some kids don't even have parents they can admire or respect. But they will still model that behavior too. It's all they know. If one parent is batshit crazy and outright immoral, the other parent can make up for some of that but it definitely affects the kids long term. I have seen it in my own life and in the lives of others.

Going through life with a broken compass and a road map in a language you don't understand makes for a tough journey. Somewhere along the line you need to be given the correct tools by those who gave you the wrong ones, or you have to trash what was given you and seek out the proper orienteering tools that get you where you want to go.

ETA: Realizing you have broken tools is the hardest part.

[This message edited by RyeBread at 10:41 AM, June 24th (Tuesday)]


Let him that would move the world first move himself. - Socrates

Posts: 1030 | Registered: Nov 2012 | From: Midwest
Tred
♂ Member
Member # 34086
Default  Posted: 10:43 AM, June 24th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I doubt my wife spent 5 minutes thinking about any of us when she was with POSER

That was one of the hardest concepts for my wife to understand after DDay. She really believed that her cheating on me would have NO effect on our son, even though she knew what had happened to me in my childhood. That is one of the hardest things I grapple with, that she would expose him to what I went through.

Long story short - my mom was a serial OW. One day when I was seven, we had a knock on the door. Mom opened it and the BW of the dude she was fucking beat her bloody in front of me and my sister. When my wife told me that I couldn't tell the BW of POSER because she was a violent alcoholic I relived that trauma all over. She risked my son seeing that to suck someones dick.


Married: 17 years (14 @JFO)
D-Day: 11/09/11
"Ohhhhh...shut up Tred!" - NOT the official SI motto (DS)

Posts: 3932 | Registered: Dec 2011
Nitrobob
♂ Member
Member # 42021
Default  Posted: 10:59 AM, June 24th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

lol on the Bill Clinton analogy. He was the first person I thought of, just because I knew his history. Politics not really what I was going for! And I did not have sex with that women!


Me 50 WW 40, 3PA, 1EA over single summer 7/13-9/13, DDay 10/13
M 9 years,together 12, in R mode

James Russell Lowell 'Whatever you may be sure of, be sure of this, that you are dreadfully like other people.'


Posts: 133 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: Midwest
Razor
♂ Member
Member # 16345
Default  Posted: 11:03 AM, June 24th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

WW encouraged OM to befriend our kids. In particular he used to email allot with our youngest.

After Dday when I asked about this she saw no problem with this because OM was *such a nice guy*.

Toward the end of the affair she told OM to stop sending messages to our DS. NOT because OM was a bad influence and NOT because having her OM talking to our children was just wrong. She asked him to stop because she was afraid our kids would figure out what was going on.


Forgive and forget = Relive and regret.

Hope in reality is the worst of all evils because it prolongs the torments of man.
Friedrich Nietzsche


Posts: 3483 | Registered: Sep 2007
Nitrobob
♂ Member
Member # 42021
Default  Posted: 11:06 AM, June 24th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

God Tred, you're teasing me about my life being "days of our lives" and you and I share Ashley Madison as a nemisis. Now this. I think we could go on Jerry Springer. My daughter met him once, nice guy actually. Most of the audience is kids as extras because the people who get sent tickets apparently don't show up.

Anyway, sorry you went through that. Thats something that leaves a mark.


Me 50 WW 40, 3PA, 1EA over single summer 7/13-9/13, DDay 10/13
M 9 years,together 12, in R mode

James Russell Lowell 'Whatever you may be sure of, be sure of this, that you are dreadfully like other people.'


Posts: 133 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: Midwest
WearingTheHorns
♂ Member
Member # 37916
Default  Posted: 11:21 AM, June 24th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

And I did not have sex with that woman!

"I let her suck my dick, but I didn't have sex with her" - I always thought that was the unspoken rest of that sentence, as if that makes it better.


Dday: over a period of three days 11/14-16/2012.
EA/PA: ~ 2 1/2 years
EA/beginning PA: ~ 10 months

"What God has joined together, let man... no man put asunder" -Pastor at our wedding concluding the ceremony
2 Cor 12:9-10


Posts: 268 | Registered: Dec 2012
Sal1995
♂ Member
Member # 39099
Default  Posted: 11:42 AM, June 24th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

After Dday when I asked about this she saw no problem with this because OM was *such a nice guy*.

Someone should write a book one day entitled "The Shit Cheating Wives Say."

[This message edited by Sal1995 at 11:43 AM, June 24th (Tuesday)]


Me (BS)-45, WW-42
DDay 2/17/13, 9-10 month PA/EA
Final NC late Feb. '13
M - 18 years, 4 children
Reconciling

Posts: 1387 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Texas
RyeBread
♂ Member
Member # 37437
Default  Posted: 11:48 AM, June 24th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Someone should write a book one day entitled "The Shit Cheating Wives Say."

In my case it would be a trilogy at a minimum. Maybe one of those encyclopedia britanica time life programs where you can get a volume every month for twelve months.


Let him that would move the world first move himself. - Socrates

Posts: 1030 | Registered: Nov 2012 | From: Midwest
Schadenfreude
♂ Member
Member # 43075
Default  Posted: 11:51 AM, June 24th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Wrong hread

[This message edited by Schadenfreude at 11:58 AM, June 24th (Tuesday)]


Posts: 892 | Registered: Apr 2014 | From: Midwest
5454real
♂ Member
Member # 37455
Default  Posted: 11:56 AM, June 24th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Someone should write a book one day entitled "The Shit Cheating Wives Say."

Proceeds directed to *No MA'AM* for a gtg on the OBX.

FWW had a moment yesterday. Looked me in the eye's and apologized, then proceeded to basically say just that. She was absolutely incredulous that she actually said that she *loved* him. Asked me how that was even possible. Lol, I asked her if she was kidding. I don't have a frame of reference to navigate that universe.

On the good side? She still self examining, looking for answers. I told her I was proud of her for continuing the hard work.


BH 51, WW 42
DS 23(Mine),SD 21,SS 20(Hers),DS 9 Ours, DGS 3, DGD 1 mo
D=Day #1 5/04EA (Rugswept)
D-Day #2 3/10/12, TT til 3/13/12
Married 10yrs
I have no love for a friend who loves in words alone.
― Sophocles, Antigone

Posts: 2842 | Registered: Nov 2012 | From: midwest
Deeply Scared
♀ Administrator
Member # 2
Red  Posted: 12:03 PM, June 24th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Nitrobob...

Keep the political names off the site.

Our guidelines are very clear...this is your only warning.


"Don't give up, the beginning is always the hardest." My Mom:)

My tolerance for stupid shit is getting less and less.


Posts: 197785 | Registered: May 2002
Schadenfreude
♂ Member
Member # 43075
Default  Posted: 12:37 PM, June 24th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Does Jerry springer count as a political name? He was once, believe it or not, the Mayor of Cincinnati. You can look that up.

[This message edited by Schadenfreude at 12:38 PM, June 24th (Tuesday)]


Posts: 892 | Registered: Apr 2014 | From: Midwest
SWAT70
♂ Member
Member # 42915
Default  Posted: 12:55 PM, June 24th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hey guys. I'm back. Had a little episode a few days ago, but I'm fine. If you haven't been reading in JFO. I have decided to give R one more chance. I've gotten back into therapy, I've had PTSD for several years and I never treated it properly and along with the affair. Not the best for lil ole me.

WW has been doing a lot of work fixing herself and trying to figure out her "why's". She recently has really stepped up and done what she thought was right. I'm certain that I now have all the details. I'm certain she is and will remain NC. But I have a very deep seated fear. I'm afraid it maybe temporary and she will do it again. She has done nothing and I have no evidence she will, but it's a thought that just comes and goes. My father was WS and left my mother and me when I was a baby, he came back for about three years when I was six. Left at nine years old. Never saw him again until my grandmothers (his mom) funeral. I was a grown man 27 and in the army. He didn't even recognize me. Abandonment issues I guess.

I always thought of myself as a good person and man. Admitting to my wife and her family some of my issues is difficult for me. They get it and have been understanding, but I feel less in a way. If that makes sense. So I've got some work to do as well.


Me BH-45. WW-39
DD-11 DS-6 DS-3
D day was Valentines day 2014. Talk about a trigger.


Posts: 333 | Registered: Mar 2014 | From: Down range
LostSamurai
♂ Member
Member # 41347
Default  Posted: 1:15 PM, June 24th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Swat,
Nice to hear some good news for a change.
WW has been doing a lot of work fixing herself and trying to figure out her "why's". She recently has really stepped up and done what she thought was right.

Sometimes, I get on here and think nothing good will ever happen after an A.

I think daily what Divorce would do to our daughter. My WW think's DD would be fine, because she is only 3 and is loved very much...

I am hurt two ways by this.
1. My STBXWW, is raising my DD and no matter what, she has taught her that an A is ok if you been hurt in the M and you don't have to repair it.
2. The POSOM she chose are all bums and have no respect for others. Therefore they wouldn't respect my daughter.

When Lions mate, and the female already has cubs, the male normally always kills them. They are not his then why bother.

I could not imagine another man raising my daughter. And imagine getting remarried, and then having kids. My daughter would feel very unloved because she is at mommy's house with some JERK, and daddy is at his house with his super model, FAITHFUL wife, and has twins and all these other kids. Mommy is pregnant and doesn't have time for me and Daddy lives way over there...

Divorce to me seems like a real real sad option. If I want to be replace, I wanted it to be because I died. Not because my high maintenance WW, wanted attention, to feel important and safe.

Speaking of which, don't I want the same thing, but I didn't go out find another woman to get that from.

Truly, I honestly feel like my WW is not a good mother now because of this. How can she look her daughter in the face and say daddy and I are separated because of issues. Technically true but also a lie. She choose to separate after she had an affair. My daughter may not act like it now, but this is going to upset her once she realizes this is not normal. Living with her grandparents sleeping in her uncles room and not to mention her and WW share the same bed. It is basically like I have been cut out of her life. Eventually she will find out the truth and she will be devastated. How can they look the child in the face and say I hurt your daddy.


I am now nothing by a mere Ronin.

Posts: 1036 | Registered: Nov 2013 | From: Maryland
cvs2kkids
♂ Member
Member # 41298
Default  Posted: 1:16 PM, June 24th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Been following your story SWAT.

Although you have every right to be cautious, SS17 seems to be truly working on herself.

Personally, I would trade my legs in to have a WW who is trying as hard as her. As it is, I'm heading down the D path.

Work on both of you, take time to appreciate each other and call foul when you see the other spouse not being true to the relationship.

Things will never be the same, but consider it a second chance to appreciate each other and you could be ok.


Philippians 4:6-7

6 Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. 7 And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your min


Posts: 219 | Registered: Nov 2013 | From: NB Canada
Nitrobob
♂ Member
Member # 42021
Default  Posted: 1:17 PM, June 24th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Deeply scarred,

With all due respect, I brought up the former president not as a political reference but as a child of divorce who had done well. I voted for the other guy!

Second, I appologized when a political response came back, because it caught me off guard. I tried to make light of it, so as not to seem to be promoting a politician. In doing that, I went too far.

Sorry!


Me 50 WW 40, 3PA, 1EA over single summer 7/13-9/13, DDay 10/13
M 9 years,together 12, in R mode

James Russell Lowell 'Whatever you may be sure of, be sure of this, that you are dreadfully like other people.'


Posts: 133 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: Midwest
cvs2kkids
♂ Member
Member # 41298
Default  Posted: 1:24 PM, June 24th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

LostSamauri,

This is the hardest part of S/D, the what ifs. From all the what ifs we stayed together to the what ifs we are divorced.

Truth is, we can't predict the future and no sense in worrying about that.

We can control (through legal channels) visitation rights, moving and even if our children are put in harms way.

Your focus should be being the best dad you can, even if it's co-parenting. Your relationship will be as strong as you make it.

As BS, we need to let go of the uncertainty and focus on that which we can control. Our WS future lives aren't one of them.

ETA; Typo

[This message edited by cvs2kkids at 1:41 PM, June 24th (Tuesday)]


Philippians 4:6-7

6 Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. 7 And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your min


Posts: 219 | Registered: Nov 2013 | From: NB Canada
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