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I Can Relate     Print Topic    
User Topic: Betrayed Men Part 20
Schadenfreude
♂ Member
Member # 43075
Default  Posted: 12:05 PM, June 23rd (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Nitro, is she taking her meds as prescribed? Thousands of texts is what my kids did when in high school. Its simply far too many to ignore. Keep monitoring, but you need a game plan. Unless, of course, you wish to play Sherlock Holmes for an indefinite future.

She's having an EA, as its called here. There is no need for her to communicate with exAP many miles away unless she wishes to keep the A alive.

Absent the dx of hypomania (?) I'd advise immediate confrontation and demand to go 100% NC. With that dx, I'd be concerned about it getting worse or noncompliance with med regimen. If that's what it is, can you "consult" her treater? Even informally in the HIPAA mad era?

BTW, the only time I had enough energy to stray (and I didn't) was when I had hyperthyroidism. Felt 19 years old again, and left my W in the proverbial dust. Dx'd following annual PE. Thyroid destroyed, and I slowed down really quickly.


Posts: 892 | Registered: Apr 2014 | From: Midwest
cvs2kkids
♂ Member
Member # 41298
Default  Posted: 12:26 PM, June 23rd (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

swear on my life i feel like the woman in this relationship because she went out and bought me a lot of new clothes and other items. Took me to diner at the place I liked and let me order what I wanted off the menu. My stuff was $50 lmao and I didn't even eat it I just ordered it because it was expensive.

Sprocket, That made me laugh out loud.

I know where you're coming from. After 6 months of false R, I told Mrs. CVS to get out too.

I caution you that you'll need to see her working her ass off if you're really considering giving her another chance. Only you'll know what you can endure and if you can trust her.

Good luck!!


Me: BH (43) Her WW 41

R'ing going,going..gone!!
Divorcing!

She no more will have that power over me. I can make, and will make, my own happiness. We we're a good team at one point, but I am great as an individual!!


Posts: 218 | Registered: Nov 2013 | From: NB Canada
Nitrobob
♂ Member
Member # 42021
Default  Posted: 9:13 PM, June 23rd (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi folks, thanks for your input.

Surgeon not married, 37, chronic bachelor, tall and handsome, has issues wanting perfect girl, never finds her.

I know him a little, WW and i went out with him and his girlfriends early on. They were generally 20 and he was interested in our daughter. I actually think he may have slept with her, but I don't want to go all Jerry Springer on you! WW was prom queen, still looks good thanks to good genes, a personal trainer, and a fair chunk of my money. I say this not to brag, as none of us have any pride left regarding our wives. I say this because in a short cocktail dress WW is a loaded gun. Used to make me grin. Now the gawks make me trigger.

WW insisted all along the EA was friendship, then agreed crossed a number of boundaries, traveled with him, had dinners etc., that it w inappropriate. You would think I was nuts to think it wasn't physical except that 1) she admitted to fucking three other guys, one of which was his brother and 2) I had intercepted a text by let's say creative means before she knew I was playing detective in which she was discussing the other men with him as a friend. I saw no sexual texts. I saw at least 100.

So she texts telling him how great our anniversary went, and asks if he has a girlfriend. He replies no, but I'm on a date at the moment will call later. Hilarious almost, breaking NC to tell EA AP how great the marriage is going. I don't know whether to laugh or cry. She knows I can watch, but has forgotten, or she thinks its harmless.

[This message edited by Nitrobob at 9:13 PM, June 23rd (Monday)]


Me 50 WW 40, 3PA, 1EA over single summer 7/13-9/13, DDay 10/13
M 9 years,together 12, in R mode

James Russell Lowell — 'Whatever you may be sure of, be sure of this, that you are dreadfully like other people.'


Posts: 131 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: Midwest
Tred
♂ Member
Member # 34086
Default  Posted: 9:22 PM, June 23rd (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Nitro,

This isn't Days of Our Lives - do you want to live in a soap opera parody? Not trying to be harsh, but what is your goal here?


Married: 17 years (14 @JFO)
D-Day: 11/09/11
"Ohhhhh...shut up Tred!" - NOT the official SI motto (DS)

Posts: 3914 | Registered: Dec 2011
Nitrobob
♂ Member
Member # 42021
Default  Posted: 9:43 PM, June 23rd (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

No Tred, like I said, sometimes don't know whether to laugh or cry.

I love her. She may have been too sick to control her actions. Benefit of the doubt. In sickness and health, right. Mania as a sickness.

But it's not simple, these things never are. There is imperfection in people, and some degree of tolerance is required to R, hell to be married at all!

I figure 10 heads are better than one. So I post here. Help others when I can. I ether complain about the text, wait and see, or D for some. Latter seems overkill given R otherwise going well.

[This message edited by Nitrobob at 9:45 PM, June 23rd (Monday)]


Me 50 WW 40, 3PA, 1EA over single summer 7/13-9/13, DDay 10/13
M 9 years,together 12, in R mode

James Russell Lowell — 'Whatever you may be sure of, be sure of this, that you are dreadfully like other people.'


Posts: 131 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: Midwest
Ascendant
♂ Member
Member # 38303
Default  Posted: 9:43 PM, June 23rd (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Was driving home with my son about 20 minutes ago and the thought popped into my head:

He tried to destroy my son's future. The OM.
She tried to destroy my son's future. Her own son.

I don't care whether it was envisioned that way or not, that's the fucking truth. They were working together to destroy the future for my son that more than likely offered him the most stability and the best chance at long-term happiness.

I don't know if that's forgivable...I'm kind of still processing it. I've thought about it before, but for some reason it's really irking me today.


I refuse to let a wound ruin me.
**Guts over fear.**

Posts: 2064 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: Illinois
Nitrobob
♂ Member
Member # 42021
Default  Posted: 9:57 PM, June 23rd (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Ascendant,

Typically people in affairs don't plan on getting caught, so they don't perceive the children will get hurt. They take a risk, yes, but most children of divorce do ok, and few divorces actually site infidelity as the cause. The risk of harm is so far down the line, they ignore it.

Bottom line, neither WW nor OM had malice toward your son or his happiness IMO.


Me 50 WW 40, 3PA, 1EA over single summer 7/13-9/13, DDay 10/13
M 9 years,together 12, in R mode

James Russell Lowell — 'Whatever you may be sure of, be sure of this, that you are dreadfully like other people.'


Posts: 131 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: Midwest
Sal1995
♂ Member
Member # 39099
Default  Posted: 10:22 PM, June 23rd (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Ascendant, what you posted makes perfect sense to you and me. The typical WW? Not so much. Why, I couldn't tell you.

I asked my wife today if divorce ever entered her mind while she was screwing around. She replied "I never thought about that." And she said that with a straight face and with apparent sincerity.

Which I find beyond baffling. I don't know about you guys, but I always kind of assumed that running around on my wife would be a fast ticket to a variety of miseries - a distraught wife, divorce court, heartbroken kids, a broken family, cutting monthly checks to my wife that I probably couldn't afford, lost friendships, diminished respect and esteem, damaged reputation, and other assorted horrors. So that doesn't occur to some people? Get the freak outa here.

But apparently it doesn't. "Compartmentalization" is the term de jour here on SI. Maybe during the rare times that voice creeped into their heads they did the mental version of covering their ears and saying "la la la, I can't hear you."

My guess is that it never did occur to POSER or your WW what was at stake because (1) he didn't bother to contemplate something he didn't give a shit about anyway; and (2) she wasn't about to contemplate anything that would force her to actually see the destructive potential of her dirty deeds. That might take some of the edge off of the addictive high of the affair. Can't have that.

Not that I practice what I preach (not even close), but try not to waste too much time making sense of the senseless.


Me (BS)-45, WW-42
DDay 2/17/13, 9-10 month PA/EA
Final NC late Feb. '13
M - 18 years, 4 children
Reconciling

Posts: 1376 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Texas
LosferWords
♂ Guide
Member # 30369
Default  Posted: 10:30 PM, June 23rd (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

They were working together to destroy the future for my son that more than likely offered him the most stability and the best chance at long-term happiness.

Asc... I may be projecting a bit, but I wish you knew how much that statement hits home for me as well. I'm willing to bet there is going to be a lot of unresolved papa-bear anger bubbling up on your part. How do you plan to process that anger in a healthy way?

I'm sorry you are dealing with that. I do understand.


Posts: 7004 | Registered: Dec 2010
cvs2kkids
♂ Member
Member # 41298
Default  Posted: 6:31 AM, June 24th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Typically people in affairs don't plan on getting caught, so they don't perceive the children will get hurt. They take a risk, yes, but most children of divorce do ok, and few divorces actually site infidelity as the caus
e.

Nitrobob,

Couple of points I would like to being up;

1) "Don't plan on getting caught"- this is true, but it still means their actions are very self-centered. Reality is a reasonable adult thinks out possible consequences and takes the risk. They don't care if they get caught!!

2) "Children of Divorce do ok"- if ok means they learn they have to accept it, then good point. But the fact my DD15 needs to decide who she wants to live with, where to go to school, how to spend holidays ans the fact she'll be separated from one of us a majority of the time are decisions no child should have to make.

3) "Few site infidelity as the cause"- in today's world, where an uncontested divorce is fast and quick, infidelity won't be listed, it jist takes longer.

I'm just afraid you're rug-sweeping as to somewhat defend your wife's actions.

You are not second place, you are the prize.

It took me awhile to get mad (not uncontrollable), but when I did, it felt enlightening and I'm starting to get my dignity back!!

[This message edited by cvs2kkids at 6:31 AM, June 24th (Tuesday)]


Me: BH (43) Her WW 41

R'ing going,going..gone!!
Divorcing!

She no more will have that power over me. I can make, and will make, my own happiness. We we're a good team at one point, but I am great as an individual!!


Posts: 218 | Registered: Nov 2013 | From: NB Canada
BAMAC
♂ Member
Member # 39334
Default  Posted: 7:41 AM, June 24th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

3) "Few site infidelity as the cause"- in today's world, where an uncontested divorce is fast and quick, infidelity won't be listed, it jist takes longer.

This shit right here gets to me. I filed for divorce because my wife was fucking someone else. I guess that makes the marriage 'insupportable', but it's definitely not a no-fault thing. It's going to piss me right off if I end up with no-fault decree.


DDays - 1/26/2013 | 3/23/14
Divorced 7/10/2014

Posts: 83 | Registered: May 2013 | From: TX
Nitrobob
♂ Member
Member # 42021
Default  Posted: 9:30 AM, June 24th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Studies dont look at the divorce decree, they ask people.

"A recent national survey found that the most common reason given for divorce was “lack of commitment” (73% said this was a major reason). Other significant reasons included too much arguing (56%), infidelity (55%), marrying too young (46%), unrealistic expectations (45%), lack of equality in the relationship (44%), lack of preparation for marriage (41%), and abuse (29%)".

I agree divorce hurts kids. Just most of the time they do fine, despite it. Bill Clinton did just fine, Rhodes Scholar, President, etc. That's my point. In my case,the kids were grown already, so not an issue.


Me 50 WW 40, 3PA, 1EA over single summer 7/13-9/13, DDay 10/13
M 9 years,together 12, in R mode

James Russell Lowell — 'Whatever you may be sure of, be sure of this, that you are dreadfully like other people.'


Posts: 131 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: Midwest
Ascendant
♂ Member
Member # 38303
Default  Posted: 9:48 AM, June 24th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Just most of the time they do fine, despite it.
Define 'fine', and where can I find that survey?


I refuse to let a wound ruin me.
**Guts over fear.**

Posts: 2064 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: Illinois
Nitrobob
♂ Member
Member # 42021
Default  Posted: 10:00 AM, June 24th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

http://www.divorce.usu.edu/files/uploads/lesson3.pdf

is where i pulled it, but reference isn't on this pdf because part of a book I think.

also:

"Most children of divorce also do well in the longer term. In a quantitative review of the literature in 2001, sociologist Paul R. Amato, then at Pennsylvania State University, examined the possible effects on children several years after a divorce. The studies compared children of married parents with those who experienced divorce at different ages. The investigators followed these kids into later childhood, adolescence or the teenage years, assessing their academic achievement, emotional and behavior problems, delinquency, self-concept and social relationships. On average, the studies found only very small differences on all these measures between children of divorced parents and those from intact families, suggesting that the vast majority of children endure divorce well."

http://www.scientificamerican.com/article/is-divorce-bad-for-children/


Me 50 WW 40, 3PA, 1EA over single summer 7/13-9/13, DDay 10/13
M 9 years,together 12, in R mode

James Russell Lowell — 'Whatever you may be sure of, be sure of this, that you are dreadfully like other people.'


Posts: 131 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: Midwest
LostSamurai
♂ Member
Member # 41347
Default  Posted: 10:04 AM, June 24th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I agree divorce hurts kids. Just most of the time they do fine, despite it. **** ****** did just fine, Rhodes Scholar, President, etc.

Adulterer...

Those are successes. People who want to survive miserable situations do things to make it. Doesn't mean they ever dealt with the situation appropriately and therefore issues happen such as that.

She may have been too sick to control her actions.

I don't like that statement. That is like someone going on a killing spree and pleading insanity when they are caught. Can sickness mess them up, sure, but they are still clearly making decisions.

In my state, if you site infidelity as the reason you have to have evidence that they clearly were going to engage in sexual act and had the opportunity to do so.

I am going to go to a mediator. They make divorce easier.

And that whole thing about them destroying kids. I believe my WW is still in denial about that. She thinks I am the blame and will not take responsibility in my eyes.

Side note; Staying off the general...I get way too many 2x4's. I can probably build a cabin and out house with all the 2x4's I get.

Edited for political name reference.

[This message edited by LostSamurai at 1:17 PM, June 24th (Tuesday)]


I am now nothing by a mere Ronin.

Posts: 1036 | Registered: Nov 2013 | From: Maryland
Tred
♂ Member
Member # 34086
Default  Posted: 10:09 AM, June 24th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

FYI mates - best to keep politics/politicians out of this thread. Don't want it to get flagged. Big warning banner at the top of the page...


Married: 17 years (14 @JFO)
D-Day: 11/09/11
"Ohhhhh...shut up Tred!" - NOT the official SI motto (DS)

Posts: 3914 | Registered: Dec 2011
5454real
♂ Member
Member # 37455
Default  Posted: 10:09 AM, June 24th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Good point Tred.

Most children of divorce also do well in the longer term.

I didn't want to take the chance my kid would have been in the *most* grouping without giving it my all. Why gamble on my child's future?

That being said, I'm a firm proponent of a child being better off being *from* a broken home than living *in* a broken home.

ETA removed politician reference. Just being careful.

[This message edited by 5454real at 10:22 AM, June 24th (Tuesday)]


BH 51, WW 42
DS 23(Mine),SD 21,SS 20(Hers),DS 9 Ours, DGS 3, DGD 1 mo
D=Day #1 5/04EA (Rugswept)
D-Day #2 3/10/12, TT til 3/13/12
Married 10yrs
“I have no love for a friend who loves in words alone.”
― Sophocles, Antigone

Posts: 2803 | Registered: Nov 2012 | From: midwest
cvs2kkids
♂ Member
Member # 41298
Default  Posted: 10:13 AM, June 24th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Bill Clinton did just fine, Rhodes Scholar, President, etc. That's my point. In my case,the kids were grown already, so not an issue.

If his lack of morals and complete disrespect for the position of husband and President is doing fine, then yes, he's a swell guy.

I'm talking character, not life achievements. I would bet Chelsea has a different take on how her dad's character is.


Me: BH (43) Her WW 41

R'ing going,going..gone!!
Divorcing!

She no more will have that power over me. I can make, and will make, my own happiness. We we're a good team at one point, but I am great as an individual!!


Posts: 218 | Registered: Nov 2013 | From: NB Canada
LostSamurai
♂ Member
Member # 41347
Default  Posted: 10:20 AM, June 24th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I judge a man by the content of his character, not his professional success.

Exactly.
My uncle was running around on my aunt and still does. Since my one cousin found out when he was like 6, he has been doing martial arts, competing in sports. He does anything to not stay in the house because his father and mother would just argue about his A. He broke down one time. He got married, and his father told him right in front of his fiance, that there are always other women out there. She cried. He is still to my aunt but he is now living with AP. My parents won't let him bring her to the house.

[This message edited by LostSamurai at 10:21 AM, June 24th (Tuesday)]


I am now nothing by a mere Ronin.

Posts: 1036 | Registered: Nov 2013 | From: Maryland
cvs2kkids
♂ Member
Member # 41298
Default  Posted: 10:23 AM, June 24th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

"A recent national survey found that the most common reason given for divorce was “lack of commitment” (73% said this was a major reason). Other significant reasons included too much arguing (56%), infidelity (55%), marrying too young (46%), unrealistic expectations (45%), lack of equality in the relationship (44%), lack of preparation for marriage (41%), and abuse (29%)".

Obviously this adds up to way more than 100%, so they're all contributing factors. At 55%, infidelity is one of the major contributors.

Also, if you look at this link, children of divorced parents are less likely to get married and have a 50% chance higher of getting a divorce.

http://psychcentral.com/blog/archives/2012/11/09/is-my-marriage-doomed-if-my-parents-got-divorced-when-i-was-a-kid/

So again, if the basic family structure falling apart is fine, then these kids do fine.


Me: BH (43) Her WW 41

R'ing going,going..gone!!
Divorcing!

She no more will have that power over me. I can make, and will make, my own happiness. We we're a good team at one point, but I am great as an individual!!


Posts: 218 | Registered: Nov 2013 | From: NB Canada
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