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I Can Relate     Print Topic    
User Topic: Betrayed Men Part 20
LosferWords
♂ Guide
Member # 30369
Default  Posted: 1:03 PM, June 22nd (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

SWAT - Thinking of you today. Wishing we could all rally around you and be there for you IRL. Wishing you a speedy recovery.

Posts: 7017 | Registered: Dec 2010
Sal1995
♂ Member
Member # 39099
Default  Posted: 1:22 PM, June 22nd (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks fellers


Me (BS)-45, WW-42
DDay 2/17/13, 9-10 month PA/EA
Final NC late Feb. '13
M - 18 years, 4 children
Reconciling

Posts: 1376 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Texas
Nitrobob
♂ Member
Member # 42021
Default  Posted: 5:37 PM, June 22nd (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi gents. Need some advice.

Briefly 45 yo WW had 4 affairs, 3 PA 1 EA over a 3 month period of crazy that ultimately was diagnosed as hypomania, but not until 3 months later, well into R. The diagnosis helped explain a lot and made the pain easier, but the boundary crosses were more too, so I figure I break even with everyone else here. I wish I was able to just chalk it up to illness and put it behind me, but its still hard. She is doing all the right things, IC, MC open life, taking responsibility, taking the meds she was prescribed etc.

I've always been suspicious about the EA. they secretly spent night together at a friends house, but she insists no sex. Since she ultimately fessed up to the others including multiple meet ups, I figured she was telling the truth. But thousands of Texts with this guy, a surgeon 10 years younger, single, over last summer.

So I'm 9 months out and check her cell. I have the password, and so I find her texting this guy about how nice our anniversary was. Now I never talked about NC with this guy because he coincidently moved out of town. I'm not happy, but I also don't want her to know I'm checking her phone because I want to see what develops. I don't know. This stuff makes you crazy.

[This message edited by Nitrobob at 5:43 PM, June 22nd (Sunday)]


Me 50 WW 40, 3PA, 1EA over single summer 7/13-9/13, DDay 10/13
M 9 years,together 12, in R mode

James Russell Lowell 'Whatever you may be sure of, be sure of this, that you are dreadfully like other people.'


Posts: 131 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: Midwest
Sal1995
♂ Member
Member # 39099
Default  Posted: 8:07 PM, June 22nd (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Damn Bob, sorry to hear about that. You shouldn't have to talk to her about NC with any specific guy, she should have figured that out on her own.

Your restraint is impressive, I'd be raising hell about the text. Since you have the self-control for it, I agree that you should see what develops. Hopefully nothing. Even so, at an appropriate time you'll need to discuss boundaries with her. Doesn't matter how innocent it seems, this is how these things start.


Me (BS)-45, WW-42
DDay 2/17/13, 9-10 month PA/EA
Final NC late Feb. '13
M - 18 years, 4 children
Reconciling

Posts: 1376 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Texas
5454real
♂ Member
Member # 37455
Default  Posted: 8:11 PM, June 22nd (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Bob,
Radical honesty brother. I'd wait a bit, see what develops and then confront. I would let her know I'm checking. Open book right? Her reaction will tell you a lot.


BH 51, WW 42
DS 23(Mine),SD 21,SS 20(Hers),DS 9 Ours, DGS 3, DGD 1 mo
D=Day #1 5/04EA (Rugswept)
D-Day #2 3/10/12, TT til 3/13/12
Married 10yrs
I have no love for a friend who loves in words alone.
― Sophocles, Antigone

Posts: 2811 | Registered: Nov 2012 | From: midwest
Tred
♂ Member
Member # 34086
Default  Posted: 9:00 PM, June 22nd (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Nitro,

I'm not as subtle. I don't tell my wife if I check up on her - but I do tell her if I catch her, it's over. Period. I got nothing to lose anymore - and I really don't check up on her anymore. But I reserve the right, and she is 100% aware of that. Life isn't worth living watching your wife pleasure another man. Fuck that shit.


Married: 17 years (14 @JFO)
D-Day: 11/09/11
"Ohhhhh...shut up Tred!" - NOT the official SI motto (DS)

Posts: 3917 | Registered: Dec 2011
LosferWords
♂ Guide
Member # 30369
Default  Posted: 10:16 PM, June 22nd (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm not as subtle. I don't tell my wife if I check up on her - but I do tell her if I catch her, it's over. Period. I got nothing to lose anymore - and I really don't check up on her anymore. But I reserve the right, and she is 100% aware of that. Life isn't worth living watching your wife pleasure another man. Fuck that shit.

Bob - This is almost exactly what I was going to tell you, word for word.

I'm really sorry to hear you are dealing with that. Sending you strength.


Posts: 7017 | Registered: Dec 2010
Sproket
♂ Member
Member # 41262
Default  Posted: 11:32 PM, June 22nd (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks guys,
This weekend been crazy.

My WW found out this place and I think she's been reading.


ME:BS 40
W: WW 40
M: Oct 2009
D.D Nov 2, 2013

Posts: 80 | Registered: Nov 2013 | From: VA
MindMonkey
♂ Member
Member # 41679
Default  Posted: 7:33 AM, June 23rd (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks for all the support men. I can say the physical withdrawal symptoms are gone but my God, I wanted a drink. It's so easy to say, "I've been sober all week, I deserve a beer". But I passed. Just going to stay at home for the most part until I'm not so easily tempted.

We went to a outdoor concert put on by the National Symphony Orchestra. They played a bunch of themes to the Pixar films set to clips from the movies. Pretty cool until they played Up!. They did the whole scene where the boy and girl meet and grow old together and sacrifice everything for eachother and their dream. FTN.

We went for a nice hike on Sunday morning, watched the US play Portugal during dinner, and helped DS finish his science fair project. So altogether a good weekend.

Challange this week is a quick business trip. Normally drink at the United Club, on the plane, and at the hotel. I'm going to download some movies to occupy my time instead.

SWAT, hang in there man. I know how messed up I am. I can only imagine (not really) how I would react to the level of betrayal you experienced.


BH, 35, CoD, Military...sober since 6/17/14
FWW, EA/PA (x2) different OM coworkers
Reconciling since 8/1/13
100% ready to file at next dealbreaker...don't test me.

Posts: 209 | Registered: Dec 2013 | From: NoVA
yearsofpain25
♂ Member
Member # 42012
Default  Posted: 7:54 AM, June 23rd (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

@MM - Was thinking about you all weekend. Glad you made it through. It was a big ice tea weekend for me. Sending you strength to get through this week.

@Sproket

My WW found out this place and I think she's been reading.

Do you think she's onto you? Or just here in general because she knows she's fucked up and in on her way out the door?

@Bob - sorry to hear about that. I don't think I could restrain myself like that. Sending you strength.


25 years and counting of pain caused by mother's infidelity. Aftermath: 1 deceased sibling, 1 lost family, 3 lost souls.
"Each new day I am just glad to be alive and have survived all that I did." Ashland13

Posts: 2054 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: Northeast US
sisoon
♂ Member
Member # 31240
Default  Posted: 8:14 AM, June 23rd (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Nitro, 1) Sorry your W texted the guy. 2) I don't think the 'why' matters from the pain point of view. Being betrayed hurts like hell, even if the betrayer couldn't help it. JMO.


fBH (me) - 70 (22 in my head), fWW (plainsong) - 65+, Married 45+, together since 1965
DDay - 12/2010
Recovered, not yet fully R'ed
I share my own experience because it's the only experience I know, not because I'm a good model.

Posts: 10061 | Registered: Feb 2011 | From: Chicago area
LostSamurai
♂ Member
Member # 41347
Default  Posted: 9:19 AM, June 23rd (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I was doing good this morning until WW called. Long story short, during our discussion she said she loves me and cares for me.

It hurts to hear those words and not feel it...


I am now nothing by a mere Ronin.

Posts: 1036 | Registered: Nov 2013 | From: Maryland
Tred
♂ Member
Member # 34086
Default  Posted: 9:26 AM, June 23rd (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

she loves me and cares for me

Pretty words. But what are her actions saying?


Married: 17 years (14 @JFO)
D-Day: 11/09/11
"Ohhhhh...shut up Tred!" - NOT the official SI motto (DS)

Posts: 3917 | Registered: Dec 2011
5454real
♂ Member
Member # 37455
Default  Posted: 9:46 AM, June 23rd (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

LS, you KNOW those words have a different meaning for her. She's just pushing your buttons. She knows how it affects you and she is doing it to keep you off balance.

Don't play her game.

N/C N/C N/C


BH 51, WW 42
DS 23(Mine),SD 21,SS 20(Hers),DS 9 Ours, DGS 3, DGD 1 mo
D=Day #1 5/04EA (Rugswept)
D-Day #2 3/10/12, TT til 3/13/12
Married 10yrs
I have no love for a friend who loves in words alone.
― Sophocles, Antigone

Posts: 2811 | Registered: Nov 2012 | From: midwest
Sproket
♂ Member
Member # 41262
Default  Posted: 10:07 AM, June 23rd (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

@yearsofpain25

considering that I don't hide anything from her, she could be reading this and I wouldn't care because nothing I written didn't happen.

I think she saw me on here and just went to the home address and started reading some stuff.

My WW gave me her sneaky cell phone after I gave it back to her.
The craziest thing is our M.C. was very very upset with her. So much so that she doesn't want to go back to him because of the lies. My WW wants to find a different therapist for us.

I swear on my life i feel like the woman in this relationship because she went out and bought me a lot of new clothes and other items. Took me to diner at the place I liked and let me order what I wanted off the menu. My stuff was $50 lmao and I didn't even eat it I just ordered it because it was expensive.

She doesn't want to leave our Apartment, because I told her she needs to find somewhere to live. I am not moving, I am not sleeping on the sofa, I am not going to make myself uncomfortable. I got back to my last follow up on my knee surgery so I should be able to return to work.

I am very thankful I found this place, you guys and gals really should be what to look for.


ME:BS 40
W: WW 40
M: Oct 2009
D.D Nov 2, 2013

Posts: 80 | Registered: Nov 2013 | From: VA
LostSamurai
♂ Member
Member # 41347
Default  Posted: 10:08 AM, June 23rd (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Pretty words. But what are her actions saying?

That's what hurts the most. I can hear the words over and over and no action will ever demonstrate the truth of those words.

My FIL think's she is going to come around soon. I doubt it. As nice as it would be, but without the changes to make me feel safe or the work needed to move on, there is no way...


I am now nothing by a mere Ronin.

Posts: 1036 | Registered: Nov 2013 | From: Maryland
numb&dumb
♂ Member
Member # 28542
Default  Posted: 10:39 AM, June 23rd (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Again I miss so much over the weekends . . .

Swat- Thinking of you. I hope you are resting well and will say a prayer for you starting to feel some small moments of peace in all of his.

Sal- For the rest of your life you have to let the anger out. Everyone has different ways, but despite being further out, I still get them. My W hears about them most of the time and it makes her feel like crap. You bother recover and move on. For me that is what most of R is. Getting past the anger, expressing it and being able to come back together.

Another point of compensation the WS has to provide is a willingness to discuss the difficult things FOREVER and be OK with them. Most of the A discussions are one sided (I mean is there any valid reason for doing this to your husband ? NO.) If she wants to make it up to you, I mean really does, she will be willing to hear your vents. I know there is nothing they can do to make this up to you, but ti doesn't mean they get absolved from trying either.

Nitrobob- Observe, but looking to see if there were communications prior would be just as telling. FWIW if you wife has manic issues, despite medication so are known to hyperfocus on certain people. Former friends are going to be near the top of the list. I would draw a boundary around this one. The fact that you have to tell her is troubling.

Sproket- You have professional certification. It is NOT you.

LS- Work on making her less central to your life. Crazy needs an audience. Don't be that audience.

WAL- Just to see you posting again. FWIW I have mellowed, but the scorched earth were very helpful to me in my earlier BH days. It helps me to remember that.


Me-35 her-35

DS 1, DD 6
Dday 8/31/11. ONS that occurred 3 years earlier. Lied to for 3 years.

Every truth comes to light in a long enough timeline.


Posts: 2554 | Registered: May 2010
h0peless
♂ Member
Member # 36697
Default  Posted: 10:47 AM, June 23rd (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

during our discussion she said she loves me and cares for me.

That's from page 82 of the cheaters handbook, third paragraph. Mine did the exact same thing (several times, actually, but most blatantly in the form of an email that was a mixture of love letter and pity party. She probably write it right after blowing her new dad.) and it was just desperation. I had gotten to the point where I wasn't willing to be Plan B and I wasn't willing to engage her on anything beyond the details of the divorce and the short sale of the house and she needed her ego stroked.


I know it's tough, LS, but this is par for the course. She doesn't give a shit about anybody besides herself and there is probably a pretty healthy amount of self loathing going on there too.


Posts: 1677 | Registered: Sep 2012 | From: Baja Arizona
Razor
♂ Member
Member # 16345
Default  Posted: 11:45 AM, June 23rd (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

@Nitro

What do you know about this surgeon guy? Is he M?

As a start you might consider taking copies of those texts. Monitor and watch. If the texts suddenly stop look to see if they have switched to another way to communicate.

Talking to a xAP is a very slippery slope. The attraction is already there. There is a foundation of *feelings* and affection for each other. It would be a very SHORT slippery slope to get them in the sack together.

If this AP is M. I wonder if his BW knows about the EA? If not why not tell her? AND add the copies of the texts you found.

Your WW talking to this guy is a HUGE FLAMING red flag. Any WW that would do this really does not get that what they did is wrong. If your WW has any feeling for you she should totally cut all ties to the APs. This is not something you should have to tell her to do - if she gets the severity of what she did.

This situ is so bad that IMO you might start considering D.


Forgive and forget = Relive and regret.

Hope in reality is the worst of all evils because it prolongs the torments of man.
Friedrich Nietzsche


Posts: 3483 | Registered: Sep 2007
Sal1995
♂ Member
Member # 39099
Default  Posted: 11:59 AM, June 23rd (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Bob, the bottom line is your WW doesn't seem to be a safe person to have as a wife. Apparently "once bitten" doesn't apply to her. She needs to fix her shit, fast. There's simply no excuse for her to be focusing on any other man than you.

Either act like a married person or become a single person. It baffles me that so many (including my own wife, obviously) believe that they are entitled to the best of both worlds. The lack of respect they have for us is shocking.

Speaking of shocking - did anyone else find it shocking to get into your 40s only to discover that you have been married all this time to an overgrown, spoiled teenager with emotional issues?


Me (BS)-45, WW-42
DDay 2/17/13, 9-10 month PA/EA
Final NC late Feb. '13
M - 18 years, 4 children
Reconciling

Posts: 1376 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Texas
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